I want to thank you for your concern, your kind notes & messages of encouragement. It’s been a beautiful thing to witness such love coming to me from perfect strangers. Then again… we’re not exactly strangers, are we?

To the many that have asked: I am okay. Much, much better, really. The act of writing that last post in & of itself was enough to give closure to some of the emotions running through me. Admitting things out loud is a powerful, powerful thing. Despite the fact that I’ve spent most of my life writing, I tend to forget this.

One of the best things I could’ve done for myself was to get a new journal & physically write in it everyday, which is evolving into a unique project 365 all its own. I’ve been filling its pages with my thoughts, despite my hand being terribly cramped; I am rusty when it comes to writing in a journal. Something I’ve done for most of my life is now archaic; this saddens me. But the thrill & pleasure of putting pen to paper is inspiring me to keep going; it’s magnificent.

With this new journal, I’m reclaiming a bit of privacy in my writing. For the last three years, I’ve been conditioned to be a writer for an audience, rather than for myself. I poke & prod to perfection at the posts I publish so that when you feast your eyes on it you devour it with fervor (which is utterly exhausting). It’s been years since I’ve written something that seemed to flow out organically, without the need to incessantly backspace, delete, or edit my thoughts.

So I am learning to let go in my writing, & in the process I’ve produced some beautiful work. It seems punishing to write such gorgeous words & not share them with others, as though I’m depriving the world of some of my best work. Then again… that’s the whole idea. To deprive the world of my innermost thoughts. Not forever, of course, but at least until I find clarity within myself.

The whole thing has been a grueling & exciting process. I wish I could share it with you… & then I don’t. It’s been lovely to have secrets, to work things out within myself first rather than broadcasting it to thousands of people. My explaining this seems a bit rhetorical; I’m sure you understand the significance of it.

Through all of this change & soul-searching, both outwardly & inwardly, I’m quite sad to admit that I missed & sort of disregarded Apricot Tea’s birthday. She is three years old as of February 25th, which in blog-years means that Apricot Tea is fully grown. She has come into her own — as have I — & it’s been such a pleasure watching the little successes of it come about.

With all of that said… I have finally made peace with the fact that Apricot Tea will likely not live to see four years old.

I’m not quite ready to go into specifics or the reasons why, & I have no idea when the closing of Apricot Tea will happen exactly. But I feel the need to inform you that her lifespan is coming to an end, that it is imminent, & that it will very likely happen before this year ends.

Ultimately, my plan continues to be that I put all of my effort & love into my new project, Sex, Love & Liberation, because that is where my heart is residing. I know that the new blog has been difficult for some of you to embrace because it features a new voice of mine, one that you’re not familiar with. I’m not familiar with it myself, quite frankly. But I love the fire it sparks inside of me & I love the fire it sparks within you. I’m enjoying the challenge of redefining myself as a writer.

I know for most of you, your loyalty lies solely with Apricot Tea, which is wonderful & understandable. But I encourage you to welcome SLL into your heart as best as you can, for it will be Apricot Tea’s successor.

That’s really all I have within me to say right now.

:]