For the last several months, I have been bombarded with articles, stories, images, & conspiracies surrounding monogamy & whether it is healthy (or normal) for the human species to be in committed, seclusive relationships with one partner.
Many of the notes I’ve read on the subject argue that most species in the animal kingdom are not only not confined in committed relationships, but they have multiple sexual partners in their lifetime. Scientists say that the reason for this involves survival; the male must spread as much of his seed as possible, ensuring that his species will not die out or become extinct. & this is precisely the same for the females; they want to have as many offspring with the best possible mates as they can, even if it means sleeping (& sometimes cohabiting) with multiple partners. With that, these scientists conclude that because we are animals, we are programmed in the same way: the desire to survive, to spread our seed, to do what is biologically designed for us.
I’ve seen plenty of adults living their lives happily in open relationships, which makes the hypotheses of these scientists very tangible. Because it’s one thing to create theories based on generic scientific studies; it’s another to see it actually lived & fulfilled.
(& then of course you hear that wretched statistic that says “50% of marriages end in divorce” & scientists are quick to use that as an indicator that human beings just aren’t meant to be monogamous. But that is another post entirely.)
I have to admit that after reading the articles & personal stories about polyamory — the definition of which is “the participation in multiple & simultaneous loving &/or sexual relationships”; not to be confused with polygamy or serial infidelity — I was intrigued. The idea that people can break the mold of what is considered to be standard in our society, all for the sake of improving their sex lives &/or enriching it with love, was fascinating to me. Perhaps it’s because I could never truly see myself living that lifestyle. But mainly because it’s always quite interesting to witness people rebelling against what is expected of them.
It seems as though the myth of monogamy & the rise of polyamory are everywhere: in television shows, in movies, in music, in books. The idea itself isn’t new, but it’s becoming much more mainstream to ditch the conventional relationships founded by our grandparents & delve instead into a contemporary, more modern kind of union.
So it’s no wonder that the argument of monogamy vs. polyamory found its way into my own marriage. Then it became overwhelmingly real.
I’m choosing not to go into major detail about this situation out of respect of the privacy of my marriage & the other lives entwined into it. Not just that, but I’ve come to a certain resolve about the situation, & I don’t feel it necessary to spout off words here for the sake of telling a good story. But I believe that this ordeal is proving to be a huge growth experience, both for me & my marriage, & I think bringing awareness to this subject is not only relevant but mind-enriching. It’s still horribly uncomfortable for me to talk about, but I hope my openness will allow others to examine their relationships & ask why they live them the way they do. I am in the process of doing that myself.
I believe that monogamy (or polyamory) is a personal choice made by those who have a preference for it, & that just because “science” says I am one way, doesn’t make it so. I believe that I can choose to live the life that makes me happy, even if it means that I am rebelliously going against my traditional biological make up by being committed to one person for the rest of my life.
Of course, this is only my opinion.
When it comes to someone like Jonathan, he is, in a sense, ambidextrous. It wasn’t until he was completely honest with himself that he realized he could be satisfied in multiple emotional (not just sexual) relationships apart from — but not equal to — me. Likewise, he can also be 100% content living in a monogamous relationship for the rest of his life. He chooses not to define himself as one way or the other — monogamous or polyamorous. The most important thing to him is that he understands he contains multitudes, that he is fluid.
Through witnessing my husband’s courage in opening up to his true self, I’ve started to ask myself if I could be ambidextrous, too.
This isn’t to say that I am considering jumping on the polyamorous bandwagon anytime soon. (On the contrary, it is my wish that all of the love that resides in my being will only be given to Jonathan.) I truly cannot see myself having emotional, romantic relationships with others outside of my husband (I find emotions to be deeply sacred; I cherish mine above anything else, & to share them with Jonathan makes him precious to me). But I do think it is possible to have multiple sexual relationships with others, provided there are boundaries set & communication is open. Because sex doesn’t equal love; you can be stimulated to orgasm without having romantic feelings (& if this weren’t the case, I would’ve married my vibrator a long time ago). Being aware of this while understanding that humans have sex not just for procreation but because it feels incredibly good, really puts polyamory into decent perspective when it comes to a sexual sense.
So perhaps polyamory isn’t such a terrible thing.
But then my thoughts begin to wander in the opposite direction.
What about the sanctity of marriage? I can understand being emotionally & sexually polyamorous while you’re exploring new relationships & your sexuality, allowing yourself to be & experiment. But to be in a lifelong partnership with someone, a person you exchanged sacred vows with… it seems a bit counterproductive. Why get married at all if you’re considering having an open relationship with others?
& then of course there’s the intricate emotions involved & the complications that will ensue because of them. To say that I could be psychologically okay with Jonathan having another sexual partner — or perhaps having one or two of my own — is quite the long shot. For I know that I am deeply affected by sex within my inner self. I hold sex to a high & holy esteem, thanks to social conditioning & religious brainwashing. I might even begin to equate love with sex. What kind of damage & confusion would that do to my marriage? & what about jealousy?
There’s also the recognition that unlike animals, human beings contain a myriad of complex emotions, thought-processes, & desires. Yes, we have animal-like urges, but our general make up is more than just survival. We want to feel love, we want to feel connected to someone else, we long to feel complete & understood. We might be mammals, but a lion doesn’t contain anywhere near the mental & emotional capacity as humans do. So I think it’s unfair to compare ourselves to the hectic & short lives of those in the animal kingdom.
When Jonathan revealed to me his feelings about his polyamorous self, I was heartbroken. The idea that he could find himself emotionally & romantically involved with someone other than myself devastated me. Yet, his identifying with the polyamory lifestyle made perfect sense. He is a person that exudes love & because he has so much of it, he feels that he could share it unabashedly with others. To Jonathan, love has no container; it is infinite, unconditional, & with its own life force.
His thoughts surrounding love are undeniably beautiful. We should all be so generous to want to share our love freely with others. Our world would be a much better place if we did.
But in order for this to work — ‘this’ being his polyamorous side — both parties have to be on board. I would have to give Jonathan my blessing to seek relationships outside of our marriage; to have a girlfriend or two. I don’t think I can do that. I don’t think I could ever be fine with sharing Jonathan intimately, emotionally, physically, & spiritually with someone else, nor do I think he would be fine if it were the other way around.
I’ve seen several talk show segments regarding open relationships in the last year. The most recent was of a married couple who, on both sides, had multiple partners & sometimes invited their individual partners to love their spouse’s individual partners as well (see: one big love orgy). What I remember most about this couple was their self-assuredness & the love they shared for one another. While watching them explain to the baffled audience just how & why they continue to make this work for them (& their children!), I was enthralled by their openness, but wary of what they might be hiding. Namely the woman, who laughed when the talk show host asked her if she ever got jealous of her husband’s girlfriend & the time they spent together. She seemed as if she had never given jealousy a decent thought as she said, “Of course not. I know he loves me. He just loves her, too.” In that moment, I noticed a bit of pain behind her eyes, with a hint of fear, worry, & insecurity. As it should be. A polyamorous lifestyle can have its benefits, but there is bound to be a bit of hurt feelings, jealousy, & resentment. How could there not be?
My thoughts on monogamy & polyamory & how it has affected my marriage are still processing; this post is a testament to that. Even though it has brought me a great deal of pain, I am grateful that Jonathan & I had (& continue to have) such open conversations regarding love & the openness he feels surrounding it. I think that every committed couple should allow themselves to go down that treacherous (or perhaps delightful) hypothetical road of what it might be like to be polyamorous; that is, to have an open conversation about what nature & our biology intended for us to be — open loving, non-monogamous beings.
& while I’m quite staunch on my feelings of not opening up my marriage, I know that my opinion could change at any time.
After all, I am a human being. I contain multitudes of emotions — some of which even contradict themselves — & it is my prerogative to evolve & change my mind.
Regardless, I think it’s better to be fluid rather than to remain stagnant. It’s better to have an open mind than a closed one.
recommended reading:
- Polyamory
- So, humans aren’t naturally monogamous. Now what?
- Polyamory chic, gay jealousy, & the evolution of a broken heart
- Are humans hardwired for monogamy?
- “In avoiding extinction, it pays to be promiscuous.”
— — — —