how to… fight fair with your lover.

One of the biggest struggles in every relationship is that crucial moment when the couple is at odds with each other. It could be that they’re not agreeing with each other, or that one of them woke up on the wrong side of the bed that morning. Whatever the reason, it’s inevitable: arguments will happen. (Unless, of course, you shit rainbows; then none of this pertains to you.)

While neither Jonathan nor I shit rainbows, I am very proud to say that we very seldom argue with each other. But that is only because we got our fighting out of our systems very early in our relationship.

Usually, a relationship starts out completely distorted by googly-eyed twitterpatedness. The excitement of infatuation often goes straight to the heads of the new lovers, making it impossible for either one of them to do any evil.

This was not the case with Jonathan & I.

We fought like a crotchety, old married couple for the first 6 months we began seeing each other. Our fights were almost always temperamental outbursts, dripping with neglected emotions caused by the one of us or because of residual issues from a past lover. By the end of the fight, one of us ended up snot-faced, red-eyed, & headachey, our heads spinning as we tried to remember what we were fighting about in the first place. It never failed; no matter how trivial the fight, it always seemed to end up this way.

The only plus side to our frequent verbal fisticuffs was that they taught us how to fight fair with each other.

The art of fighting fair isn’t hard to attain. All you need is patience, an open-heart, & a whole lot of practice. Yes, you’ll need to fight in order to learn how to fight fair.

Fortunately for you, Jonathan & I fought so much that what we’ve learned (& what I’m about to share with you) will not require you to practice as often.

You’re welcome.

1.) Understand your fighting styles & how they differ.

Knowing your partner’s fighting style — & being cautiously aware of your own — is key to fighting fair. After all, if you knew that you’re about to duel with an angry opponent, only to find that he has but a toothpick to defend himself while you have an insanely sharp sword, you’ll be an asshole if you stab him his heart. This hypothetical situation is comparable to arguments with your lover. It’s okay to have opposite fighting styles, just as long as you don’t use it to your advantage.

Looking back, I now understand why Jonathan & I quarreled so much in the beginning. We had opposite fighting styles & didn’t know how to use them correctly.

Typically, Jonathan is the one who is always trying to move the fight along to get to the end result: making up. He is the peacemaker, the one that is even-toned, patient, & oh-so-understanding, even if he doesn’t really understand. He is the one who will do anything, say anything, to try to make the fight go in a more neutral, loving direction (he’s prone to randomly saying “I love you” mid-argument). Jonathan is the guy who fights in a style that oozes with fairness, tolerance, & love.

Me? I fight like an asshole. I am the tyrant, the irrational finger-pointer, the one whose attitude makes the fight much worse than it really has to be. I usually refuse to budge in my opinion, even if I’m the one that is in the wrong. I believe in stretching the fight as far out as possible, so as to drain all of the emotion so there’s nothing left. & when I see Jonathan so even-toned & not matching my yelling with elevation in his own voice, I become even more irritable, even more angry. I provoke, I stomp about the house, I give unnecessary silent treatment, I shut down emotionally.

Our fighting styles haven’t changed, but Jonathan & I have managed to fight fair, nonetheless. When I push, Jonathan gently backs off. When Jonathan is calm & rational, I try my best to listen. Because we understand our fighting styles, we’re not so quick to kill each other.

My advice: Identify your personal fighting styles. Think back to past arguments & analyze who had which role. By going back & recognizing your previous fighting traits, you’ll be able to fight from a level of understanding & that you didn’t quite have before.

2.) Pick your battles, & choose wisely.

Before you open your mouth to verbally attack your lover about his caveman-like table manners, take a deep breath & count to ten. Being aware of your breath & counting to ten will keep you from spewing word vomit all over the kitchen table. If you’re at all like me, you’ll realize by the time you count to 5 how silly you’re being. & you may not see it right away, but you might’ve just prevented a third world war from happening.

If, after you count to ten & breathe deeply, you’re still terribly irked by the way he’s chewing his food, then speak up… but with carefulness.

Which brings me to my next tip…

3.) Think before you speak.

When approaching his improper conduct, there is a wrong way to respond & a right way.

The Wrong Way: “My god, could you chew any louder?! Pretty sure you’re waking the dead right now. Disgusting.”

The Right Way: “I’m happy you’re enjoying the meal I prepared for you, but perhaps you could try to keep the food in your cute little mouth.”

It’s obvious that The Wrong Way is aggressive, attacking, & cold. & while The Right Way sounds very Stepford Wife-like, it comes from a tender & light-hearted part of you; he might even think you’re teasing with him a little. Humor is often a great way to carefully approach (& prevent) an impending argument.

My advice: Take a mental Rolaid before you word vomit. & when you do speak, come from a place of kindness, rather than rudeness.

4.) Fight with love. Always.

As the two of you are going at it like cats & dogs, you become a different person. You say things you wish you hadn’t, & you resort to defensive, hyper-sensitive behavior to protect your hurting heart. You accuse & attack. You dig up past mistakes to use against him to prove a point. Your words & actions come from a source of uncontrollable anger & defiance.

Or… you can fight with love.

This was one of the hardest things for me to accept while perfecting my fighting fair technique: the idea that you can (& should) make the choice to fight with love.

I will not lie to you; fighting with love is difficult, especially on the ego. But it is possible. You just have to put forth the effort.

Jonathan’s advice (since I fight like an asshole & haven’t quite grasped this concept yet): Try to understand your lover before you get her to understand you. Once your lover knows that you understand her, she’s more likely to listen to you because she sees that you truly care how she feels. She’ll also be much more receptive to understanding you. Also, during the fight, see your lover as the way she is when she’s the most loving, not in the way she’s behaving currently.

5.) Try to see what the fight is really about.

One of the dumbest fights Jonathan & I have ever gotten into was over plastic bags.

We were at the grocery store, picking up a few things so we could cook dinner for my mother & sister. As I was putting tomatoes in a plastic produce bag, I saw Jonathan taking celery out of the cart & out of its respective bag as he murmured, “We really don’t need to put these in here.” He then put the bare celery back into the cart, & continued shopping. I remember asking him why he took the celery out of the bag, & he calmly replied that it was a waste of plastic. To which I responded, “The reason we use bags is to protect the produce from getting dirty in those unsanitary shopping carts.” & Jonathan quickly shot back, “That’s why we’ll clean them with hot water when we get home.”

Believe it or not, that small exchange of words quickly turned into a full blown yelling match.

Back then, I didn’t understand why we were fighting over something as stupid as plastic produce bags. But I know now that the fight had little (if nothing) to do with bags at all, & everything to do with my fear of real commitment, my uncertainty surrounding our differences, & my inability to trust Jonathan. I realized that it terrified me to think that my life was to be heavily effected & changed by this man, when I felt like the way I did things was perfectly fine. His correcting my wasteful ways made me feel like I was a bad person, & it made me question whether or not I could deal with being with a guy who would change me for the better.

It took me a few years to understand why we had that argument, & now that I understand, I’m able to fight fair knowing that inanimate objects aren’t usually the source of a quarrel.

My advice: Realize that almost every fight has an underlying source of pain or fear behind it. Being aware of this will keep the argument centered on what it’s truly about — your (or his) trust issues. It will provoke a heartfelt conversation where you two can speak openly about your anxiety regarding your relationship. It won’t be comfortable, but doing this will promote a kind of intimacy that’ll make up for the awkwardness.

6.) Make up in a way that’s comfortable for both of you.

There’s such raw emotions in arguments; such vulnerability & sensitivity. I’ve learned that making up is no exception. It’s very important that the two of you know how you prefer to make up, because this will ultimately determine how (& if) the fight will end.

For instance, Jonathan knows that I need uninterrupted time to myself to cool off & clear my head after a fight. He knows that if I don’t get this time, I’ll feel rushed into forgiveness, thus making me feel that he is devaluing my emotions, thus provoking another useless fight. So, Jonathan understands that my road to making up is silence & sometimes isolation, just like I know that Jonathan’s road to making up is affection. He’ll want to hug, kiss, cuddle, & tell me he loves me to bring the animosity down a notch & get us back to a loving place.

So we compromise: Jonathan gives me the space I need to calm down emotionally, & I give him cuddles & hugs when I’m ready. Sometimes I’ll come to him without uttering a word, climb into his lap, & snuggle with him. In that moment, the fight is over.

Obviously, Jonathan’s making up style is physical & loving, while mine requires more inner-healing & settling down. But we have an equal understanding of our making up styles, which makes making up that much sweeter.

My advice: Making up is about patience. It’s about giving you two the time you both need to put your emotions in a safe place so that you can come together with love & understanding. Take time to identify your making up styles, & respect their individuality. When you’re ready, let your pride fall, give your apologies, & restore your relationship with intimacy. Hug, kiss, even shake hands to symbolize a truce. Physical contact often speeds up the making up process.

— — — —

All might be fair in love & war, but it doesn’t have to be a war. You don’t have to bicker like territorial animals. You can choose to fight with fairness & love, & still get your point across. Once you realize that, you’ll be more apt to keeping the peace, rather than blowing your top.

That is what fighting fair is all about.