01|25|2010
chocolate/vanilla.
After I posted Jonathan’s interview, a small discussion was started in the comments section. One person in particular wanted to know more about the “interracial” aspect of our marriage & how that affects us & our families.
This is the comment that sparked the discussion:
“wait; no interracial couple questions? as a mulatto product of a biracial couple, i call bullshit. there’s no WAYYY this topic hasn’t been brought up, in your relationship and from outsiders. and if it hasn’t, it certainly needs to be discussed. start this over so I can ask the real questions.” — Alexis
While I admit that this comment seems very irate, I’m going to respond to it with as much kindness & understanding as I can muster. Because I don’t know Alexis, & I don’t know what she’s gone through. She might have experienced terrible kinds of discrimination to a degree that makes her feel so passionate about this subject. & I am going to keep that in mind as I respond to her comment.
Perhaps I am a square, but I was rather pleased that people didn’t give that topic (my interracial relationship) the time of day; that people focused on our love, rather than something as narrow-minded as the color of our skin. I think it’s amusing how people make such a big to-do about a subject so insignificant on the surface. Jonathan & I don’t really give our interracial relationship much thought until other people make a big deal out of it. We are just two human beings, desperately in love with each other. It’s a small trait in our relationship that I am black & he is white.
I feel that this is a subject that has been beaten into the ground to the point of irrelevance. I also consider it trivial in a lot of ways, simply because when I look at Jonathan I don’t see that he is white, just as he doesn’t see that I am black. We see love, we see commitment, we see compassion. The color of our skin & the “trouble” it might stir in others is the farthest thing from our minds, & it has been ever since we have been together. & even if it did cause a commotion, it wouldn’t change the way I feel about him, nor would it change the way I show the way I feel about him.
People might call our passivity & nonchalance to the “race issue” naïve. I call it wise. I call it mature. I call it positive thinking.
So Alexis, I’ll answer your questions, but only because you are curious. Please know that I am not trying to feed into the “hype” surrounding interracial relationships by answering your questions. Also know that if it seems like I am singling you out by seemingly addressing this post to you, it’s not directly my intention. Your questions — though filled with agitation — were good ones, & I feel like they could be easily shared by others. You were just brave enough to call them out.
— — — —
Alexis asks…
Have you always been predominantly attracted to white men? As a child, when you saw yourself getting married, was it to a white man? If so, what about white men attract you?
In a short answer, Yes. I was raised in a predominantly white community. My high school had no more than a dozen black people in it; maybe less. Because of that ratio, & because of my upbringing — most of my friends were of other races aside from my own — I found myself dating & attracted to guys mainly of Caucasian descent. In my entire life, I only dated two black guys. The relationships didn’t last long, & weren’t really that serious.
I really can’t say just what attracted me to white men. I just preferred them, & for the most part, they preferred me. The black guys I did date dated me for my looks. We often had little to nothing in common. & even in spite of them dating me for my looks, they weren’t satisfied completely. One guy told me my butt wasn’t “ghetto” enough; another told me that I talked “too proper.” I even had one guy [a black friend] tell me, in not so many words, that he could never date me because I wasn’t a “normal black girl” (whatever the hell that means). Since I wasn’t what he considered to be a “normal black girl”, he felt there was something wrong with me, & wouldn’t touch me with a 9-foot pole. My preferences in music, books, clothing, film, etc., scared black guys off. I wasn’t “black enough” for them, I guess. & that was their loss.
With white guys, however, I never received comments like that. From what I know, most of them were fairly satisfied with me as I was, & had no expectations of who I should be. Sure, they were surprised at how articulate & educated I was; their parents, especially. But no one ever gave it a second thought, especially after meeting & knowing me. I’d like to think that white guys dated me because we were compatible, because they thought I was interesting, or because I was a fun person to be around. Then again, I had one boyfriend tell me that one of the reasons he liked dating me was because he knew my nipples weren’t pink like white girls; that they were brown. (Yes, he seriously said that.) Otherwise, I don’t know the reasons behind white guys choosing to date me. You’d have to ask them.
& this isn’t to say that ALL black men feel a certain way, & all white guys another. It was just my personal experience.
& as for me envisioning me getting married to a white man… I didn’t “envision” anything. I just wanted someone who would love me with all of his might without hesitation.
I must ask how your family feels about this? Distant relatives and all? Even if their true feelings are just shown subliminally?
I can’t speak for my family. But I do know — from what they have told me & from what I’ve seen — that they adore Jonathan. They consider him a part of our family & care for him almost as much as I do. They have no qualms about him being white, & had no bad things to say regarding the other white guys I dated. They accepted every guy that I (& my sister, who is also dating a white guy) brought to their dinner table with grace, genuine curiosity, & kindness. The most important thing to them was that I was treated with tenderness & respect. Whether that be by a black man, a white man, a polka-dotted man, a man with no arms or legs, it made no difference. They simply wanted their daughter to find happiness & to be honored. I am very, very grateful to have such an open-minded & loving family.
I also can’t speak for Jonathan’s family. But I know that they love me as if I were their own, as I love them. They have accepted me with open arms & have never given Jonathan the third degree about marrying a “negro.” They don’t give my race a second thought. I am very grateful to have such a wonderful & kind in-law family.
Have you two discussed the confusion your [mixed] children may endure and how you will handle it?
We’ve most definitely discussed this. Even so, this specific subject (the prospect of having children) is so far-fetched that it’s really difficult to put ourselves in a position to answer that. At this point, we don’t even know if we WANT children, let alone how we would raise them. I’m the kind of girl that lives one minute at a time. I don’t have time to think about the future or our phantom-children.
Have you and Jonathan faced any backlash from being an interracial couple? Examples?
We’ve gotten some interesting looks, mainly from people of MY race (black women & men). But we have never had anyone directly say anything to us regarding our relationship, & we’ve been blessed enough to never have had to face discrimination or prejudice. We live in a very diverse, multicultural town. There are interracial relationships & mixed children all over the place. Blacks with whites, Asians with whites, Indians with blacks, & so on. Jonathan & I are just another very in love couple in the universe. People really don’t pay us any attention.
what Jonathan had to say:
“I don’t think about it much that I am in an interracial relationship. The thought rarely occurs to me. I guess it’s because it’s so integrated and so normal that it doesn’t feel like anything other than completely natural. Maybe it would be different if there was a push back, prejudice, or some kind of resistance from either from my or Ev’Yan’s family. But since neither of us have ever experienced that, it’s not something that I think about consciously very often.
I do think about it sometimes when we’re around other black people, particularly men. I get a lot of looks from black men where it seems as though they don’t assume we’re together. They treat me as if I’m her (Ev’Yan’s) friend or something. Maybe they’re jealous, or maybe they can’t wrap their minds around it, I’m not sure. Maybe a bit of both. That situation is probably when I think about it the most, being around other black men. Otherwise, I don’t think about it much, and even when I do, it’s not something that really bothers me or I feel like I have difficulty navigating my feelings around it. Like I said, it’s completely normal to me.
It’s strange that some people (some of Ev’Yan’s readers included) think that it would be a huge issue. Like we’re just automatically supposed to have some kind of stigma or issues because of it. But we honestly don’t. Maybe it would be different if our families weren’t so accepting, if we had kids, or lived within a more racially homogeneous culture (we live in a very diverse community). I really can’t say because I haven’t been in that situation. Either way, it would never affect my feelings toward Ev’Yan or my commitment to our relationship. Others can see and think what they want. But I think other people’s opinions are a petty tyrant when compared to your personal opinions. I don’t see an interracial marriage. I see two people in love, unreservedly committed, and absolutely supportive. I don’t see her as black and me as white. The colors of our skin don’t affect my feelings, thoughts, or opinions. The contents of our relationship, our intimacy, our character, and our love is what I see. That’s enough for me, and to be truthful, it is something I wake up every day grateful to experience.”
One last thing:
I want to make it very clear to everyone that we are in no way blind to the fact that prejudice & racism still exists in this world. But we’ve made a conscious effort to not let that be the deciding factor of our happiness, our love, or our marriage. By not brooding on something fueled by such hate & judgment, we’re changing the way we see the world, & in turn, we’re changing the way the world sees us.
I think it’s also fair to point out that we’re just of different races; our skin color only has an opposite pigmentation. People speak of our relationship so incredulously, as if he’s a rhinoceros & I a 7-foot-tall bearded woman. It’s really not as difficult & dramatic & queer as some people make it seem.
Let the message be clear: regardless of the color of your skin — hell, the preference of gender! — let love be the only thing that fuels you in this world, & don’t let any fool tell you otherwise.
— — — —
this discussion is closed.
A lot of excellent points were made during this discussion, & I thank you for contributing your thoughts & opinions on a subject so loaded & (obviously) so undead. I’ve had quite enough of the bashing comments against my character & others’. There was no need for this discussion to get ugly, & it’s a shame that, as adults, we stooped to that level. I refuse to have that kind of distastefulness on my blog. Of course, if you feel like you have something more valuable to add, you are more than welcome to email me. Otherwise, thank you for your feedback, & this discussion is closed.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 5:49 pm:
ev’yan i feel as though i could have written this myself. i couldn’t agree with you more about all of it and man our pasts (hell even our present relationships)are so similar too it’s sort of crazy and all sorts of awesome.
basically my point is that i am so glad you posted this.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 5:51 pm:
Well said — hopefully you won’t have to revisit this subject again.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 5:57 pm:
Beautifully put, Ev’Yan. (And Jonathan.) You describe love the way it should be. Honestly? Even when I see a picture of you and Jonathan, your different skin colors aren’t even something I think of. You two are so natural together. Like you said, you just have different skin colors; you’re both human, though!
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 5:59 pm:
Perhaps it’s just that I live where I do and have grown up the way I have, but it didn’t even cross my mind that you and Jonathan were an ‘inter-racial’ couple! I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, and have seen many many photos of you both, and it wasn’t until this post, where it was explicitly pointed out that I noticed. And my immediate reaction was ‘what does that have to do with anything?’. I think you handled this with supreme elegance, acknowledging that while this might still be an issue for some people, it isn’t for you. Well done, chicka. :)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:02 pm:
This was a beautiful, beautiful statement, both yours and Jonathan’s.
I absolutely agree with you on all the questions asked and I’ve never given your skin color – or Jonathan’s for that matter – a second thought.
BTW, being in a bi-national – or inter-national – relationship myself, me being from Europe and my husband being from the US, we might not get the looks from other people, but I am almost inclined to say that we have more cultural differences than you and Jonathan have based on your skin color. That should tell people something.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:04 pm:
Thank you. Your post has such resonance for me – I am also a black woman married to a white man. Further, we are not only of different races, but different cultures completely. I get the “why him?” questions as it relates not only to race but also to his not being from the same country. While I didn’t grow up among more whites than blacks, I did grow up in a melting pot of mixed kids – color is not an issue where I am from. At least, it wasn’t when I was growing up. I never learned to see color differently. I learned to look beyond into hearts and minds and I just simply found a man who loves me mind, body and soul and whom *I* love mind, body and soul. So again, thank you. =) And I wish you well.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:08 pm:
Well put. :) I don’t even see why it had to be much of an issue…. But whatever.
At the risk of sounding racist, it seems that in this day & age more colored people make an issue of their color than those who aren’t of the same race. (At least that’s been my experiences where I currently live. I’ve always been around numerous other races and to me people are people are people no matter how you dice them.)
Annoys me that people can’t just let it be what it is.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:09 pm:
Having met you and Jonathan both, I think it’s a fact that Jonathan and you both just “go” together. You’re such a natural couple and so clearly in love. I’m not surprised at all by the responses you got on twitter saying that it was the last thing on peoples’ minds. To be perfectly honest, I have never understood the big “to do” that some people make about interracial relationships. But then again, I’ve never really had that much experience with the negative aspects (discriminataion, etc) some other people might have. You two are just such cutie patooties that I would never give it a second thought. <3
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:09 pm:
Incredible post. Well written and thoughtful. Thank you.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:12 pm:
After reading your post, it’s obvious that race is still a troubling subject for Americans. I say Americans because I have friends from both Canada and Europe, who are black, but they only consider themselves either Canadian or European, as opposed to Americans who specially identify what race they are. Being multi-racial (black & Native American mother & Sicilian father), I’ve gone through nothing but hell growing up; mostly from African Americans. They saw me as something else…a mistake…however, I grew up embracing who I am. My mother and father obviously didn’t care about the ignorance that was surrounding them; they were in love and that’s all that mattered. And, that’s all that should matter to you and your husband. Should you decide to have children, just remember to give guidance, discipline, self perception, and a survival perspective to function in this society. Honestly, you really shouldn’t have to explain yourselves to anyone.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:13 pm:
Extremely well said. I’m a white girl with an Indian boyfriend. Not only are we different races, we’re different cultures…but it doesn’t matter. Yes, we’ve gotten looks before, and yes we’ve gotten questions…but that’s not important. We like each other enough that race doesn’t ever play an issue.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:13 pm:
You addressed these questions with such grace Ev’yan. I really appreciate that. I suppose some people would give my boyfriend and I weird looks (he’s half Mexican, half white) and I’m white, but I don’t give it a second thought. However with that said, you and I both live in an area in which people are fairly liberal and there are lots of multi-racial couples. I guess if I was a blog reader in another state, maybe these questions would seem like more of a pressing issue.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:15 pm:
[deeeelurk!] Awesome, awesome post. I think what also lends to the comfort of you two not having to think about it though is the fact that you both live in a major metropolitan area, where issues like interracial coupling is a non-issue in the public sphere.
Though, I think that as far as mulatto children issue goes, I can see that there may be a time when that child struggles to find some kind of cultural identity. However, it seems you two have figured out that you’ve decided to not worry about hinging on tradition and instead are more concerned about shaping an identity based on the content of your character. And that, my friends, is what the future should look like.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:16 pm:
“Not black enough”.
Yeah, I’ve heard that one more times than I can count even from my family, we’re talking immediate family here. If a girl I didn’t was not fully black or, God forbid, white then I would be read the riot act. I learned to tune it out long ago. Will never forget the day one of my ex-coworkers ranted about my ex “taking one of the good ones”.
Despite all the racism I saw as a kid, I somehow grew up colour-blind.
Like you, many black girls I know thought I spoke “too proper” and shared none of my friends. The two I have dated, however, did “get me” and remain good friends of mine even now.
“let love be the only thing that fuels you in this world, & don’t let any fool tell you otherwise.” If everyone practiced that belief, this would be a far better world.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:17 pm:
“People might call our passivity & nonchalance to the “race issue” naïve. I call it wise. I call it mature. I call it positive thinking.”
I wish everyone could be like this. Honestly from reading your blog, I’ve never seen colour. All I saw were two people who have a positive and healthy loving relationship. It’s great that your families have been accepting and have seen you both for what’s inside.
I’ve noticed from reading lots of American relationship-type blogs the issue of interracial dating is talked about constantly. Reading your blog is a breath of fresh air.
I’m also in an interracial relationship, my bf is Turkish and thankfully after 2 yrs, his parents accepted me. Feb will be 3 yrs together. Their issue was not because of my colour, but more of the old-fashion cultural side. They only wanted their sons to marry Turkish Cypriot women. They came around when they realised that their son is happy and that we’re good together.
I’m grateful for my upbringing in St Vincent (Caribbean. Thankfully, our island had only 30 yrs of slavery and so do not carry the deep pain of racial tensions. You can find all shades of white, caramel, light and dark brown in my family.
It was not until I moved to the UK that I saw the distinction between blacks, whites etc… but by then I had a different taste in music, books, music and social activities like the black british young people. I was the odd studious one. Also at uni, I did Physics and so became friends with non-black or Caribbean-born students.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Really good to read about healthy twenty-something relationships devoid of the seemingly common place drama and infidelity.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:18 pm:
Very interesting post and I like how you approached it. My experience: In college, I preferred white guys. (Mostly because they were usually taller than me and Asian guys weren’t!) But a lot of times, when I dated white guys, they would brag about how much they knew about Asia and how they’ve traveled to Japan and can speak Asian languages. LIKE I CARE. I mean, yeah, that’s cool and sorta interesting but it just gave me a weird feeling. (Of course, not all of them made me feel this way — I had a couple white exes who loved me for me and not for my Asian-ness, whatever that means.) I know you don’t choose who you fall in love with but for me, there is some comfort in marrying someone who’s Chinese. Just little things like he’s not gonna get grossed out when I crave fried spam and kimchi. It’s kinda nice. Anyway, I think you and Jonathan are beautiful together. Intelligent and hot. Great combo.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:19 pm:
beautiful post :)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:23 pm:
I think for some people, due to their or their ancestor’s experience, carry the distrust and pain that came from slavery deeper than others.
We have to pray that they put aside and pull down these barriers because they are only hurting and holding back themselves.
Let’s count ourselves lucky that they are not us, that we can see pass colour and differences. Not that we are better than them, but that providence/life has been good to us.
All we can do is educate/teach with our daily actions and how we treat everyone that pass our path.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:23 pm:
Tell you what I think?
I think you are amazing. And so is Jonathan. And so is your love for one another.
And so is this damn post!
That is what I think.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:23 pm:
It’s interesting reading how similar your upbringing was to mine. I also grew up in a small town where I was one of the one black people outside of my younger brothers and as a result, I developed different tastes outside of the stereotypical norm associated with being black. It’s always amazed me that those stereotypes still exist today. Though I never really experienced any real racism growing up, for me personally, as I’ve gotten older, it’s become more prominent especially as I’m getting closer to graduation and looking for jobs.
Dating wise, I’ve never dated a black guy and it still baffles me when a friend will try to set me up with someone who happens to be the only other black person they know simply because they are the same race as me and we’ll apparently hit it off as a result. Luckily, they aren’t people who I’m that close with but it always amazes me when this happens. Regardless of all that, I’m glad you touched on this issue because as you said, it really shouldn’t be that big of an issue. You fall in love with who you fall in love and it should matter what race they are, their religion, etc.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:26 pm:
I think you and Jonathan handled all of those questions with such grace. To be perfectly honest, I am guilty of falling into the ignorant assumption that interracial relationships are completely acceptable across the nation, now that we’re in the 21st century and have overcome so much prejudice. But the fact that someone posed such heated questions to you is proof that, while it may be MORE widely accepted, there is still a stigma associated with it among many people.
And as far as the biracial kids thing… I’ve known a LOT (like, I’ve lost count) of people who have parents of different races, and they are all pretty normal, happy, well-balanced people. Maybe, again, it has to do with the places I’ve lived — very diverse, very accepting of each other.
Anyway, I’m babbling. I love your willingness to address even the “tough” or taboo questions, and I think Alexis should be grateful for your openness. :)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:26 pm:
As a Filipina American, I have been attracted to all races at some point in my life. But the majority of the men I’ve taken interest in are white. My mother gave me a hard time, saying that I wasn’t proud to be Filipino and that the ones who understand you most are those of your own race. I resented her for this very much, because it was not that I was ashamed of my race, I just happened to have feelings for other people. I could not control it, it was not my fault nor was it a bad thing. All of my serious relationships have been interracial, and like Jonathan and Ev’yan, I never ever notice it. Neither does my partner. A lot of them like the difference in culture, being exposed to new things. The difference does exist, but not in a negative way. They are beautiful. I’ve really had no problems with it, other than people pointing out that their fellow peer is dating “that Asian girl”. These people are not important people in my life, so it makes no difference.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:31 pm:
Ev, you responded with such grace. I applaud you.
Call me overly-emotive, but I was offended as shit reading her questions. Seriously. It bothers me that race (for some people) is SO important that it overshadows any other attractive quality that someone could have. Well, that and her thinking that she is in a position to question what drives your relationship…because it couldn’t possibly exist without being frowned upon by everyone…miss me with that shit.
I honestly hope that she possessed some concern for you and your welfare, but damn. That was ridiculous.
Not everyone is raised in a racist family and around racist people. For some people, race really isn’t that big of an issue. Some people have friends that don’t require someone to be “black enough” or “white enough.” Anyone still thinking like that is extremely narrow minded and needs to spend some time outside where they grew up. Seriously.
Yeesh…it’s not like you two are different species. You’re people. You love each other. That’s ALL that should matter. Hell, that’s all that DOES matter. Fuck everyone else who thinks otherwise.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:38 pm:
Well said. I’m not surprised someone brought it up. I’m sure more people notice it than let on. Not because they think it is in some way “bad” but just that it is not as common to some people as it is perfectly normal to others.
I experienced much the same type of thing as Jonathan described when I would be walking hand in hand with a beautiful woman who happened to be black. It happened a lot when I lived in Vegas; the stunned looks I got were almost always from black men. Nobody ever said anything to me, but more than once I’d give an obvious wink and a nod to a man standing stunned with his mouth hanging agape. It generally snapped them out of it and they realized they were staring. I just chalked it up to her being gorgeous :-)
I choose not to give prejudices and racism any of my energy. Other people’s hang-ups are not my concern. But it does surprise people because it is still so unusual to see in so many places. I am as pasty-white as they come, but having a black stepfather and in particular driving around with my mixed little brother, I have seen more ugly from people than I care to say.
It’s always been fairly irrelevant to me how people get categorized in my mind, but it has obviously been something I’ve been exposed to my whole life. I go by the simple “Are they nice or are they an asshole?” method of determining whether I like people. I don’t look for a particular race. I’ve dated several black women…several Asian women…several Hispanic women…(I’m not a man-whore, I’m just old.)
Sweet, Beautiful, Intelligent, and Loving come long before silly stuff like where her great-great-grandparents once lived. My current Ladyfriend gets sunburned quicker than even me, but I hadn’t really given it any thought until just now (and we’ve been together 5 years). She is just my Love.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:41 pm:
I absolutely love that post and agree 100%. As a black female i hate when people jump to the assumption that you will marry a black man or have a black boyfriend.My family doesn’t believe in that they believe that who ever you love is who love no matter of color, or religion. My brother is dating white girl and i love her as if my own blood sister, they have been together for around 3 years going on 4 and they still get dirty looks and nasty remarks said about them in french and english i live in montreal his girlfriend by passes it but my brother finds it hard sometimes. But like you had said if your in love you don’t see color
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 6:53 pm:
I honestly did not think of asking the race question nor did it cross my mind. I too am in an “interracial” relationship, my boyfriend is Creole and German. I agree with what you said about the color of your skin. For me, race should be a point that should be thought about in a relationship, you can’t help who you fall in love with. I applaud you and Jonathan. Your now like an icon for me and my boyfriend.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:15 pm:
This is still so wild to me that someone would think that there’s NO WAY this hasn’t come up. You’re interracial, not inter cultural! At the same time, I still can’t totally get over how different the race relations are between Canada and the US. Here most of my friends are in bi-racial couplings, but *everyone’s* family is from somewhere else.
I’m just bad with race. I went to school with girls from China, Japan, Mexico, Germany, India, the Philippines, northern Canada and at some point I just stopped paying attention. It’s the cultural differences that are interesting to me, not the skin colour stuff. It sounds weird, but at my last job I was talking to Mister about the shocking lack of diversity in our workplace, when he asked about my asian manager and all the aboriginal people I worked with…and I’d forgotten that we weren’t all from the cultural background. I don’t know if that makes me really progressive or really tuned out. Can we go with the first? lol
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:22 pm:
My daughter is married to a black man and they have given me three of the most beautiful..bright..sassy and wonderful children. We see love…not color. I think you are wise to concentrate on love. Great read and thanks for letting me have my say.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:22 pm:
I had to weigh in on this, mostly because “not black enough” made me laugh. (not sure if that was intended, but the absurdity of it struck me) I am not sure if it’s the area you grew up in, but I know in Texas there is a very negative stigma sometimes attached to interracial couples. Unfortunate, but true. One of my good friends is in an interracial, lesbian relationship and let’s just say, they live in Pennsylvania now. So perhaps Alexis experienced something along those lines. Amusingly, black men love my booty. Shake whatcha got. (Okay, I am making myself laugh now, I will leave the comments to others…)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:25 pm:
I can relate to your experiences with black men. I’ve been told many if these same things, being told I’m not the typical black girl. Though I can’t say i’m primarily attracted to anyone race, my current bf is Hispanic( though he looks white). We weren’t so lucky, and received a lot of negativity bc of our relationship. I stopped talking to many of my black male friends bc they claimed I let “them” (Hispanics)take me away from them (black men). It was both upsetting and hurtful, and a huge learning experience.
This post meant a lot to me.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:28 pm:
“I feel that this is a subject that has been beaten into the ground to the point of irrelevance.”
When I saw you mentioning this issue on twitter, that was the exact thing that came to my mind, and I’m glad you wrote it down! For some reason, this whole thing made me feel offended FOR you, and I’m pleased (and not surprised) that both you and your husband handled it with so much grace.
Well written, well said, well done.
:)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 7:56 pm:
Dearest -
First off, lovely post & well written =]
Secondly, you know my past with Mike, who is indeed mixed – so it makes life difficult for me, especially since my family isn’t as understanding or accepting as some people in this world are. It’s understandable that it comes from the way that they were raised, yet it’s not something that I carried over into my life.
In fact, I never gave much thought about dating black guys, but that’s what happened. He came into my life & it has been drastically changed since that point – both good and bad. Indeed we’ve had plenty of people staring, but its nothing bad.
The area that I live in is quite multi-racial, so there is quite a mix of people.
It just breaks my heart to realize how some people are and how they treat others in this aspect.
It’s difficult, but it’s something that some of us have a tendency to overlook despite the issues that arise.
And personally thinking back over my dating past, I would rather stick with the one black man that loves me, than all the white guys that treated me like crap.
Again, well put & I thank you for your honesty.
Hugs.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 8:13 pm:
So much love! :3
While I never thought to question this aspect of your marriage, I do admit that I’m always curious about things that sound stupid when said out loud. I wasn’t raised sheltered or anything like that; I’m just curious at a very basic level. But that applies to all folks who are different than me (people from different races, people from foreign countries, people with different sexual orientations, and on and on). The questions are never anything malicious or angry; more childlike, if I had to classify them.
Although these not the questions I would ask, in my own weirdo way, it’s wonderful to see you address the issue in such a positive and loving way. Thank you for writing this.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 8:28 pm:
I’ve got to say, I’m kind of surprised that the whole “racial” questions was even asked. Maybe I just live in a bubble?
I don’t think its a huge issue (or an issue at all, for that matter). I’ve been dating my boyfriend who is Vietnamese for almost two years now – I’m Argentinian. NEVER have we received any form of prejudice from anyone. It hasn’t even been addressed in conversations; I think ONCE someone brought it up, and there words were: “wow, your children are going to be BEAUTIFUL.”; alright, maybe twice, someone complimented us on “spreading out the gene pool.”
Like you, Ev’Yan (gorgeous name, btw) I don’t give it a second thought, and I know my boyfriend doesn’t either. I’ve told people (and even then it only comes up because his name is Viet), and get zero reaction. No one I’ve ever met has given it a second thought either.
When I see biracial couples, I don’t give it a second thought because, quite frankly, I probably don’t even notice. All I see are PEOPLE. Because thats what they are, regardless of their race/skin color/anything.
However, my friend who is Mexican, has gotten some beef from Mexican guys (who have only ever dated her for her looks – very much like your situation) but have told her she’s not “Mexican” enough (wtf does that MEAN?). Now shes happily dating a Greek guy who appreciates her for WHO she is.
As for the children having confused identities, I don’t think race defines you. A youtube vlogger put it very well when asked a question about what he tells his half Asian half Irish daughter “I tell her she’s not HALF Asian, or HALF Irish, shes Asian AND Irish, and shes a person.”
Maybe I cant fully express my ideas here, or they aren’t coming across like I’d like them to, because it IS a tricky subject. But I’d like to think we’re moving forward from looking at peoples race rather than the person themselves. We’re all people.
I don’t know, maybe I’ve just grown up in a very privileged community. I hope some day the thought of a biracial relationship/person being associated with an “issue” doesn’t even cross anyones mind one day.
When I see you and Johnathan, I see two very beautiful people, in a loving committed and I think anyone would be lucky to be in that place. :)
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:04 pm:
so you’re obviously black and he’s white. before this post, i honestly hadn’t made it that far in my head (i’ve been reading for months now)…i can’t say that from a perspective of depth. i just thought you both were hot. (: (and of course, i was drawn to your articulate and honest writing)
i am a little sad this had to be brought up in this day and age. but grateful, nonetheless. i dream of racial reconciliation –personally that is by means of having a blended family. i’m not set out to adopt one race over another but i’m definitely open to any children and wonder about the consequences of my open-mindedness. that’s heart wrenching.
i hope my interactions with anyone of any race, would illuminate with love and invite others to do the same. this post is that in action. thank you.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:22 pm:
I’m not completely convinced and there’s something about the way you answered that question that bothered me. I am an african-american female, yes. I noticed the fact that your boyfriend is caucasian, yes. Im from California, however, irrespective of where Id reside race matters. Going on history, most black women are conditioned to believe black men are their only choices in mate. So to see you with a caucasian male is (albiet only slightly) “interesting”. But when you say you grew up in a predominantly white neighbordhood it begins to make sense. I enjoy your blog, check it often and I can dig your boyfriend’s blog as well. Both of you are intelligent individuals. Nonetheless, it bothers me the slightly condescending way you addressed this matter, namely the identifying of the african-americans who “threw you shade” with regard to your relationship and those you decided to date. I genuinely feel it sounded a bit ill-informed, smug, and it turned me off to majority of what you wrote. It’s understood your blind to race, you dont see color, blah, blah, blah. I’ve heard it all before. No one’s saying rag on your relationship…but keep it REAL. Race is a very serious issue in this country and it affects everyone especially blacks, regardless of how evolved you claim to be. Forgive me, but I just expected a more critically conscious answer from you. In addition, there is something to be said about ANYONE who chooses to date or “has a preference” for a race other than their own. It’s questionable.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:33 pm:
They’re married, moron. For such an avid reader, you missed a huge detail. (In response to Jasmine.) Ey’Van, you’re a great girl. You will never have 100% approval from everyone, but in your heart it feels right, so run with it.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:38 pm:
i think you answered the posed question perfectly.
you were asked how being of two different races effects your relationship. your answer: it doesn’t.
i really don’t understand why people can’t understand or accept your answer, or why it would put anyone off. haven’t we come so far to let this be such an issue? don’t get me wrong. i’ve been on the shitty side of how people treat people in an interracial relationship. its awful. but whats amazing is that for you and your husband, love is what determines the status of relationship, not the color of your skin.
and you did an excellent job of keeping your opinion “real.”
i guess you’ve got to expect some strong opinions on this subject.
my opinion? you took a chance and fell in love. you don’t need to explain that to anyone. and the fact that you ARE sharing the inner workings of your relationship is a wonderful example of one loving couple. no one should expect you to speak up for all black women who marry/date white men. everyones’ experiences are different.
enjoy all the love in your marraige. you deserve it!
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:43 pm:
Let me just say I look up to you so much & I’m with Wishcake on this one- I felt offended for you. You and Jonathan are a truly beautiful couple. & just being a follower and from reading your posts, you two seem like you are truly, truly meant for each other. xx
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.” -Dr. Suess
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:55 pm:
Honestly Jasmine she said that she isn’t blind to the fact that racism and prejudice still exist in this country, and there is nothing questionable or is there something to be said about ANYONE who has a preference or chooses to date someone outside their race. She said she grew up in a town that had mostly white people in it. OF COURSE SHE IS GONNA HAVE A PREFERENCE! OF COURSE SHE IS GONNA DATE PEOPLE OUTSIDE HER RACE! Why is her preference questionable? Also you called her comments condescending and ill-informed among other things. I call you ill-informed and Ev annoyed with the African-Americans who “threw shade.” One of my best guy friends since the 6th grade is white. I am Black, and I grew up in a pretty mixed town, but I also grew up in the South. My parents taught me that even though the world is racist, I should not see color. When me and my friend go out the only people that give us a hard time are Black people. MY OWN RACE! I remember one time we went out to eat and this Black man never touched his food as he stared at me dead in the eyes the whole time. How did you expect her to sound? All happy and cheery that some people can’t get over the fact that love comes in all colors. You completely misunderstood the whole point she was trying to make.She isn’t racism isn’t real. She is saying that she and her husband, not boyfriend, have gotten past that and they are completely happy with the love they share.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 9:56 pm:
Your blog never fails.
It’s nice to read something so honest and genuine especially on a cloudy day.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:00 pm:
I’m in an interracial marriage but I have to say that I have never once thought of it that way at all. I think if I ever did, I’d be focusing on something other than the actual relationship. Before getting married I dated different races and it was never an issue for me, what mattered was how we felt. It really amazes me and irritates me that some ppl think there is so much of a difference between people. We might have different cultures, but being with a Hispanic guy, Black guy, White guy has no differences to me. I get so many questions about what it’s like to be with a Black man….it’s ridiculous. He’s a man, I’m a woman….
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:23 pm:
Graceful and elegant as always. It literally blows my mind that people would even inquire…but well done anyways. Much love.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:25 pm:
Hey Ev’Yan, I think we need that coalition more than ever now! Wowie. Some of these comments are straight from the Jr. High school yard. Anyone who uses the word mulatto is obviously brain dead and needs to be schooled pronto. Sometimes I forget that not everyone has read the handbook on words that have been struck from the English language.
Your post was great because it was honest and heart felt. Genuine. My thoughts might not exactly mirror yours but the discourse you’ve constructed is worthy of all your reader’s attention. You ask questions, you state your experiences and that is what is most crucial here. Asael and I have been together 6 years now and there hasn’t been a big deal with our relationship either albeit we also live in the same community as you. Asael has shared many similar stories just as you did, such as people telling him he wasn’t “black enough” or people saying he was too educated. What? That’s nuts! I guess there’s a measuring stick going around or something.
I identify as Chicana and Asael is black (he prefers this over African-American). I understand I will never truly understand his experiences with prejudice and race is a constant topic of conversation among us – we’re both academics, so it is in our blood to constantly talk about injustice. When it comes down to it though, we wake up loving each other and go to sleep loving each other, and people who have a problem with that can go fuck themselves.
Truly, I can go on and on and on and on … but I’ll save that for another day! xo NJ
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:33 pm:
I live in a very, very racially segregated city in the south, so all my life I’ve known race to be everything. My father is a Haitian immigrant, and my mother grew up around a lot of hate due to the fact that her mother (my grandmother, of course) was a product of a rape by a white man. My grandmother and her family had a lot of resentment towards the man that did it, and unfortunately that translated into having issues with the entire white race at that time (early 1920’s).
That said, my mom never really taught me to hate or anything like that. However, what happened to my great-grandmother has been preached to me since I was old enough to understand, and it has always been clear to me that if I brought a white man home it would be a slap in the face to everyone in my family. It’s insinuated, not said.
That, along with the city I live in has shaped the way I think today. I’m ashamed to admit I’m very skeptical reading so many comments here from people saying that they “don’t notice” or “never thought about” your relationship. I wish I didn’t think about it, but I do. I’m envious you live in a diverse area. I’m a journalist for the local paper, and just covered a story over the weekend about a white cop here who admitted to racial profiling when pulling over people. Yeah, it’s that bad.
I am also not naturally attracted to black men as much as I am to white men, so it has always been an inner struggle with me. I hope that once I move away from here I can have peace and love who I want like you, lucky girl.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:39 pm:
Posts like this are why I read your blog.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 10:51 pm:
In the modern world I don’t see colour either, all around me there are “interracial” and “intercultural” couples falling in love and making futures together. The thought never comes up in my mind either.
I grew up in Canada, I was born in Europe, and in Canada we have every race you can think of, each person is unique in their ways, their thoughts, their cultures and traditions, but at the same time we are ALL the same.
I feel (I may be wrong, but I’m pretty sure I’m not) that parts of America are still not in tune to this, predominantly white states exist and it’s like a whole different world there (I’ve been to a few…), America is so huge and seperated, it’s sad at times when you think about it.
Beautiful post and well said.
on Monday, January 25th, 2010 at 11:06 pm:
Jasmine and Alexis, I’m Ev’Yan’s mom and although it is “expected” that I would agree with Ev’Yan because I’m her mom but the real fact is that I, along with her dad raised her to love everyone, irregardless of the color of their skin. She was taught that ignorant people come in all shades of color and nationalities. It may even sound like a cliche’ but it really is what’s on the inside that matters. This may be hilarious or hard to believe but when I read Ev’Yan’s post and then the comments, I said to myself, “Oh yeah, I forgot, Jonathan is white.” I don’t look at Jonathan any other way than that he is my son in law. I don’t look at their marriage any other way than that they are the cutest, especially made for one another couple I’ve ever met. It is hard to make any judgmental comment unless you’ve actually been around the both of them. There is a chemistry there, a relationship where true love really does shine through.
In this equation, if the tables were turned and Ev’Yan was white and Jonathan was black, I would feel the same way. Why? Because, ultimately, as parents, we raise them to make sound decisions based on their hearts and who I am to ever question what both of their hearts feel?
If they choose to have kids, trust me, they will not go into it blindly. That’s not like them. If anything, their kids will have a well rounded, factual look at who they are without questioning it.
Like she mentioned, what mattered the most to me was that the man in her life would be someone that would love her unmeasurably and I’m living proof that Jonathan does. When they are together, their love lights up the room.
Don’t take up too much time trying to put negative thoughts towards something that is positive and beautiful. You are entitled to your own opinions so if you choose to be a proud Black woman who feels that Blacks should only date Blacks, then that’s on you but Ev’Yan is a proud Black woman who loves her man…not her “white” man but HER MAN!!! And I’m proud of that!
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 12:38 am:
Thank you so much for this. Its so nice to see that I am not alone. Haha. I’ve been “white-washed” for my entire life. I used to beat myself up when guys would say I wasn’t “black enough” or what have you, my self-esteem was nonexistent. I’m 19 (I’m an old soul) and I’m just now becoming comfortable with myself. I’ve yet to meet a guy who shares my interest, but I do believe he’s out there. I have hope. Your marriage gives me hope.
Thank you.
Sophie.
Ps: new to your blog, I love it. Your a beautiful human being. =)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 12:38 am:
I don’t usually comment on your posts.. just read regularly. This one sparked my interest. I’m black and so is my boyfriend, but the most important thing I’ve always rememberer my mother telling me was to find someone who loves me for me, and respects me of course. When I first started reading your blog, I just saw you and Jonathon as a cute couple. Nothing of race ever really crossed my mind. As you said…racism/prejudice does still exist (unfortunately), however, for those people.. I feel bad. Love is not a color or a race, its an emotion..and it is the most wonderful emotion i’ve ever known! You addressed the comment quite well!
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:07 am:
firstly, since i’m reader of this A M A Z I N G blog i have Never thought about their colour of skin…it’s so irrilevant for me! through this virtual diary, the only thing i can see, is LOVE between this 2 young Girl and Boy! and i’m so jelous hahahah :-P
She got a heart + He got a heart = LOVE!
Skin doesn’t exist!
Love you guys :D
xxx
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:17 am:
So I’m way late to comment here, but I wanted to anyways. Coming from someone who is in a same sex relationship (and has been for 5 years) I can almost completely relate. How I can’t relate, is my reaction to it. You both are so at peace, which is amazing. Excuse me for being blunt, but I feel like I constantly am having to explain that it’s not about the body parts, but about how I feel when I’m with her. I’m always worried that in meeting new people, they are secretly judging us, and how we must be disgusting for liking the same gender. I worry that they think that just because we are “gay” that means we are dirty and all we think about is sex. This is entirely not true. In fact, she’s been a paraplegic since 2007, and has no feeling or movement below her sternum, so sex for us is not the same as it used to be. I can’t complain though, our families are NOTHING but supportive and take us both in as if we were their own. So that helps. I always feel the need to tell people when the subject comes up, that it’s not the gender, it’s the person. Don’t judge us, because if something were to happen between the two us and a man came and swept us off our feet? Sure, we’d be in love with him too. Technically, that would make us bi. But I hate labels. I hate that society puts a label on you just because of who you love. It’s not fair, that the people with the big open hearts are the ones who get the judgement. But, I guess in a way that makes sense, because the people with the big hearts would never be the ones giving the judgement… I hope I’m making sense, I know I’m rambling. I just wanted to say that I think you and Jonathan are amazing together, and it’s refreshing to see another couple so in love, even in the face of adversity.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 6:06 am:
I’ve been reading your blog for a while now and it’s never really occurred to me that you’re black and Jonathan’s white, in fact it’s never really occurred to me that you’re black. And I mean that in the best of ways – that I just see you as another blogger.
I think because people have made a deal of it in the past (and that was understandable with how things were) people nowadays expect it still to be a big deal when often it isn’t. It’s culture that’s more important, and upbringing. Both of those can be apparent whether you’re the same colour or not.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:07 am:
Funny, when you posted the call for questions, this one never once crossed my mind. Race didn’t remotely play into it.
You and Jonathon sound like lovely people; I wish you all the best.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:12 am:
I hardly every comment but I just wanted to say, this post is something my husband and I deal with everyday. I’m Korean/Hawaiian/Black/Hispanic and my husband is Greek/Italian/Cherokee, so we’re familiar with the whole interracial couple situation. While there are times we do get our fair share of silly questions and strange looks, I wouldn’t and couldn’t imagine myself with anybody else. His family has never made me feel unwelcome in any way and my father and sisters love him wholeheartedly. I totally identified with you’re statement about “not being black enough” for some people. I feel like this entire post read mine and Alan’s mind on the subject.
Thank you.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:12 am:
I think the minute people stop making race an issue, it will stop being an issue. Love is colorblind and it really shouldn’t matter what someone’s preference is. My younger brother prefers to date white and Asian girls and as a long as they treat him right I really don’t care if they were half-dog. I’ve dated white men and don’t think anyone should limit themselves on the basis of color or make it an issue in their relationships.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:44 am:
In response to Jasmine’s post…. How can Ev’Yan be “ill-informed” if what she said is based on her actual experience? I believe that if she was coming from a standpoint of “well, I just have a feeling this is the way things are…” and not a standpoint of “this is what actually happened to me”, then you might be able to call her ill-informed. However, I take a huge issue with specifically the last thing you said. How can you as a black female who is supposedly upset about the racism that still exists in this country, say at the end of your statement that “ANYONE who chooses to date or “has a preference” for a race other than their own. It’s questionable.”?? This blows my mind! You are saying that racism exists, and you’re not happy about it. So why in the world would you have any issue with people NOT BEING RACIST?? How is it that you can say that someone that prefers something outside of their own race is “questionable”? What I find questionable is the fact that you don’t see the racism that’s lurking within your own statements.
Anyway, Ev’Yan, I think your post was beautifully and respectfully written. You have a realistic view of the way things work, and your points are completely valid. I agree 100%. Race doesn’t matter. Love matters. Thank you for spotlighting this and writing something so awesome!
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 9:17 am:
I am really, really glad you posted this. Now that you mention it, I am pleased that only one person asked those questions, too. It is fantastic that your love was what was focused on. You and Johnathan are beautiful together! Your answers and his were spectacular. :]
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 9:39 am:
At first I was all, “Wait, I never would ask that question…” but then I realized it was ANOTHER Alexis & then I further cemented in my head that I’d prefer if no one else had my name because it always ends up catching me off guard at first… ;)
Anyway, I always find these types of posts of interest because I’m in what the world often looks at as an “interracial relationship.” I’m very much like you in that we never gave it much thought, we just knew we loved each other. He’s nothing like what I thought I’d wind up with, but that isn’t in regards to his skin color as much as it is his personality & background. For us there’s always been a lot of culture clash, our families are extremely different, but the one thing that we have a lot of is respect. We respect where the other one came from & how the families operate, those families produced the one person that we love more than anyone so how could we not love them & respect them too (even when we think they do things weird)?
Where we live is not quite as accepting, but it depends on what part of town you’re in. Around the area where my parents live, for example, we tend to get a lot of odd or mean looks but no one really pays that much attention in the area where I live & we spend most of our time. It’s a bit of a joke to us though, as we’ve never experienced any real animosity surrounding it. He’s Puerto Rican, so Spanish is his first language (& something I really ought to learn), so I used to joke sometimes if he says something in his native tongue. However, we’ve agreed that once kids enter the picture for us that any “racist” jokes will cease in our house.
I may need to do a little post on this myself, our experience is a bit different from yours but the same in that in means nothing to us…we just love each other, without regard to the deep brown of his skin or the extreme paleness of mine.
Oh, & I love you… ;)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:16 am:
Right on. This is so eloquently put, and so very wise.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:28 am:
Well would you look at what a healthy debate I sparked in your comments. Firstly, I’d like to note that I don’t believe all these comments about everyone never even noticing that you and Jonathan were an interracial couple. The first thing our eyes are trained to notice since BIRTH is contrast. And being that you two are not a black & indian, or white and asian, or whatever other mixtures you can come up with, but a white and black couple, it’d be a boldfaced lie for 50 people to say they never noticed. Sure, when I first visited your blog, I thought…’aww what a cute couple’…’they seem to really be in love’…’she’s beautiful and dresses really well’…but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t aware of the fact that you and him were 2 different ethnicities. Sometimes our avid readers are so loyal, they’d agree if we said the sky was red as opposed to blue causing bloggers to be self-righteous in our opinions because we have people agreeing with us…but that my friends, is not the answer. Like Bill Maher says, the patriotic thing is to critique and question, how else do you make things better? That’s my only motive.
Sorry if my questions seem to derive from an agitated place…but that’s because they do. A lifetime of scrutiny due to my racial backgrounds and people asking me “what i am” and getting pissed when they didn’t get the answer they’re looking for, then proceeding to tell me i “don’t look black” or i “don’t look white”. Hearing racist things white people wouldn’t dare say around me if they knew I was black. Every article of clothing I ever picked out, genre of music I decided to listen to, decision I ever made was followed by a ‘that’s your white side talkin’ or ‘that’s your black side talkin’. Strangers deeming it perfectly acceptable to approach me on the street and spout 20 questions about my heritage. Put yourself in my shoes. What if you had ignorant buttwipes hounding you every day of your life about your ~exotic parrot coconut island looks~ demanding to know why you don’t fit their perception of race? I even made a video on youtube a few years ago answering frequently asked questions about being biracial and to THIS day I’m getting comments about how mixing races is wrong and people want to have ‘pure’ children and how the thought makes them sick.
I wasn’t questioning whether you and Jonathan are truly in love, that’s evident, I was merely provoking thought. To say this topic has been beaten to the ground to the to the point of irellevance is gullible. Sure when you and Jonathan look at eachother, you just see 2 people in love…as I’m sure when Sally and Suzie look at eachother, they just 2 people in love; that doesn’t change the fact that the world percieves Sally and Suzie to be lesbians. So yes, I would say your passivity & nonchalance to the “race issue” is naïve, because just like you and Jonathan, my parents focused on love and chose not to discuss that they were an interacial couple, the scrutiny they may endure, etc and I’ve learned from experience – ignorance isn’t always bliss. But after seeing how you so eloquently answered these questions, I’m sure when the time comes, you will figure it out…together. For now, just feel blessed you live in a liberal and diverse community that hasn’t raised an eyebrow and realize, not all of us are as fortunate.
To Alicia and everyone else who felt offended for Ev’yan by my questions, I wasn’t attacking her, I simply expressed curiosity about something more people notice than let on. I saw the twitter rants, as if I’m ignorant for asking such questions, but clearly, it’s not as dead of an issue as you all would like to believe since it aroused so many long, drawn out and emotional responses about all of your own personal experiences. Perhaps it isn’t so “silly” afterall? I’m sorry that my questions “bothered” the both of you.
And this isn’t directed to you Ev’yan, but after reading these comments, I must say, we all have preferences but ANYone who will only date one race and will go out of their way to not to date their own is full of self-hatred about their own heritage.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:34 am:
I agree with wishcake, when I saw you mentioning this on twitter, I was deeply offended for you and Jonathon. I don’t know, maybe it’s because I’ve been reading your blog since the beginning and/or because of the way I grew up, but I NEVER thought for a second how you handle being in an interracial relationship. You two have an obvious connection, love, and passion for each other.
YOU ARE MEANT TO BE TOGETHER. simple as that.
However, I have dealt with the whole “you’re not black enough” or “you’re like an oreo – black on the outside, white on the inside” – cue head explosion. I don’t really give those people much time because they are truly ignorant and you can’t change someone with that mindset in a minute. What’s even more offensive to me is that some people are stunned if your skin color is darker and you are able to put together sentences with correct punctuation and/or know what’s going on in the world. Why is this still a commonly held notion?
But I thank you for choosing express yourself so wonderfully without a sense of spite (because that would’ve been hard for me to do).
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:46 am:
PS – anyone who thinks I have an issue with interracial dating is missing my motive. I would not be here otherwise and I think it’s beautiful. As much as I had to endure being biracial, I also had the best of both worlds because I was able to fom unbiased opinions. I’m well aware race doesn’t even mean anything biologically…but to say it doesn’t socially is…well..naïve.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:50 am:
Interesting to read your answers. I think all of us noticed in a “registering facts” way that you were an interracial couple, but most of us were more interested in other things. Maybe it’s because I live in DC and see people of every ethnicity all over.
With much more migration in the country and the world now than, say, 100 years ago, it’s a lot more likely that we’ll be meeting people of different races/ethnicities/cultural backgrounds/religions/etc and falling in love. My husband’s family is from the South & there are some cultural differences between his family and mine. He also grew up skirting the poverty line and I grew up comfortably middle class. That’s led to some definite differences. He’s conservative & I’m liberal, we make it work. Fortunately for us we’re not in any particular group that another large group looks down on
I don’t think living happily with each other and ignoring people who don’t like you is naïve. I think it’s the only sane way to live. There will always be someone who doesn’t like you, whether it’s a single person in your life or a large segment of the population. And sometimes their reasons will be valid and sometimes they’ll be invalid. But you can’t let that rule your life, you just have to live anyway, address it sometimes and ignore it others.
And Alexis, please realize that YouTube comments are about as low as it gets on the internet. Seriously. I’ve almost never read anything constructive on there except in response to tutorial videos. Music videos, clips of films, interviews, talks, etc, the comments are some of the worst sludge on the web. You can’t let the very worst of the very worst get to you like this or you’re always going to be challenging people and feeling challenged and you’re not going to focus on what you want to do with your life because you’re so busy defending it to everyone.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:57 am:
Mrs. Micah, my youtube experience was just a small example….the smallest, in fact.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:59 am:
This is such a sticky subject and you have navigated it so deftly, my dear!
I don’t often think about race, but as someone who is white, I don’t feel comfortable saying, “Well, it isn’t a big to deal to me, so *obviously* it isn’t a big deal.” There is this thing called “white privilege” where those of us in the majority have been given the “privilege” of pretending racism doesn’t exist, simply because for us, it doesn’t.
I love that you and Jonathan have been able to be in supportive communities and from supportive families that foster a healthy, loving relationship. :) You are obviously and adorably in love and meant for one another.
Thank you for always opening your heart to us and being insanely vulnerable.
I adore you.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 11:02 am:
“There is this thing called “white privilege” where those of us in the majority have been given the “privilege” of pretending racism doesn’t exist, simply because for us, it doesn’t.”
Wow. I never thought about that before. Very true.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 11:16 am:
I love the way you handled this. You’re amazing.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 11:34 am:
When I saw on Twitter that you were goin to write about your interracial marriage, my first thought was ‘Wait, what’s she talking about? She isn’t in a interracial marriage – oh wait.. She is.. hmm’
Well, my point is, that I had even consideret it being an interracial marriage, more a true-love-which-i-envy-kinda-marriage. You seem to be such a good match, and all I think abouyt now, when I’ve ‘realised’ this interracial marriage, is.. ‘oh, they’ll have damn cute children!’…
Keep up the nice writing :D
And I do looooove you’re 365-photo-project – but that’s another talk :D
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 12:08 pm:
After reading pretty much ALL the comments, my first thought was “WOW; I am SO sheltered.” It kind of scares me – the whole thought process people have, the fact that they even think about race- I’ve never experienced prejudice, and I’m thankful for that, but I guess I sort of have been blind to not recognize that it’s STILL there.
I really like this post though, very thought provoking and it’s really interesting to read other peoples thoughts, so I’m really happy you did end up addressing Alexis’ question Ev’Yan.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 1:35 pm:
Tell them girl! It’s just too bad people think this way as Alexis does. I live in the Netherlands en they don’t y bother if they see people together from a different collor. My boyfriend comes from Suriname and I’m a Dutch girl. So, if people have a problem with this type of relationships they can just shut the fuck off en eat some crap!
P.S. Sorry for my bad English!
P.S.P.S. Furthermore, absolutely luuuurve your blog!
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 1:45 pm:
Hmm. I’m surprised and disappointed this came up as a subject. Not disappointed in you, disappointed in the commenter. This isn’t even an issue. Some people have blond hair, some have dark hair. Some people have curvy bodies, some have less curvy bodies. Some people have white skin, some people have dark skin. I don’t see why someone would even ask such a question? We’re all people. We all fall in love with people of different race, culture and nationality. I married an American (I am Australian). It is all the same. We are two people who love each other.
I do like your answer Ev’Yan. Very nice.
I am frustrated as to why this even came up. All I have ever thought is “wow, you’re one hot looking couple”. End of thoughts.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 2:05 pm:
the last line? Should be engraved in our hearts and our minds at all times. Love is what it’s about, no matter what.
Beautiful, eloquent, forthright post.
You never cease to amaze me with your elegance either.
(You already know my thoughts on the rest of this!)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 2:10 pm:
Lisa, what exactly is so sad about the way I think? That I have enough life experience to be socially aware? That I know the human brain functions in a way that causes us to naturally categorize people and until we are all exactly the same, that will never go away?
You guys act like I have a problem with Ev’Yan and Jonathan as a couple. I don’t! I think they’re perfect for eachother. …or that I have a problem with her or her opinions? I wouldn’t have asked HER if I didn’t value her point of view…or maybe that I have a problem with interacial dating – hello! I am the product of it. Are you guys not paying attention or are you just basing your opinions off hers after a quick skim of the discussion?
Ugh. This is what I mean about bloggers and their readers. I could post this same topic on my blog in reverse and all my avid readers would flock in agreement with me. That’s the flaw in this particular form of self-expression. Bias. Think wrongly if you please, but for the love of God, think for yourselves.
But I guess in the end, the fact that this discussion got so heated proves my point, it’s not a dead issue. Need I say more?
(I’ll check back after work.)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 2:28 pm:
I read this blog from time to time and I guess I would say I’m rather shocked no one has ever mentioned anything about you being in an interracial relationship! I’m shocked because as a Multi-Racial person I’ve been being asked “What are you?” like Alexis all my life…then I go into my whole speech about how my Mom is Black and White(French) and my Dad is Japanese. I don’t look Black at all but I relate the most to being a Black woman. I listen to Rock, Indie, Classical, Hip Hop, and almost every type of music there is, I’m fluent in French, Japanese, Spanish, and Italian, play the piano, violin, and guitar as well as speak the most proper English any American can..
I was raised in the NY and LA in places where I was the only person of color. I’ve constantly been asked “What are you?” by everyone Whites, Black and Asians. My parents and grandparents love was very blind, in a time where the rest of the world saw clearly what they were and weren’t very nice about it and some people still aren’t today.
I’ve dated men of every race, and even in the company of highly intelligent people I’ve always gotten a look. A look of what is she and why is she with that Black, White or Asian guy. Therefore I totally understand how the questions can not be verbally asked but I’m sure people give you guys the once over…and most of the time “we” people in the interracial relationships qare so consumed by our relationship that we NEVER even notice it!
I understand both sides, as a Multi-Racial person whom has been questioned nearly everyday of my life in professional and social settings. As well as a person in an interracial relationship who’s friends, family and lifestyle for that matter had ignored the issue of race and focused on love.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 2:29 pm:
I’ll admit, when I first saw you mention that you were being questioned about having an interracial relationship I was taken aback. After sitting down and thoroughly reading the initial/follow-up questions, the answers from both you and Jonathan and the following comments – I’m not so “outraged”.
Ev’yan & Jonathan, there should be no doubt that your relationship is based on what matters most and you handled yourselves with grace.
I personally have been in only “interracial” relationships and I think the only inappropriate comments were made by my own race and people as Andrea mentioned referring to me as the “asian chick”. Annoying? Yes. Harmful? Not really.
As for our interviewer, Alexis, I have TOTALLY come across girls of hispanic and asian decent that REFUSE to date their own. “I only will date white guys.” And I agree, that sort of thinking is pretty ignorant to go about searching for love with that sort of agenda/criteria. I am pretty sure they would date an ex-con, puppy killing caucasian over someone of their own race. It’s absolutely silly. (surprise, both have been single for decades now…but I digress.)
So I think we are all agreeing that we should just plain and simply LOVE. Love blindly (well, unless he slurps soup between his teeth or something). ;)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:25 pm:
i couldn’t agree more about the content of this post
i feel like loads of people should read this.
i’m so disappointed that in 2010 those questions are still raised.
vanilla chocolat or any kind of mix is one of the greatest thing in the all world.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:51 pm:
@ Alexis: I completely understand where you’re coming from. I just wanted to point out that I believe my readers ARE thinking for themselves. I don’t think they are agreeing with me for the hell of it. (& if you don’t believe me, look back on some of my other more controversial posts, & you will plainly see that everyone has a difference of opinion.)
I think with this particular subject matter, people are choosing to be progressive & positive, rather than conservative & negative. & that’s a good thing! I think they are concurring with my words because of their life experience & personal stories. & perhaps, in this day & age, YOUR type of thinking is rare. Who knows.
I believe this issue IS dead, & people like me & my readers have been trying to KEEP it dead (for the sake of positive change) for quite some time now. It’s just when other people, who cannot let go of the past, bring it up incessantly & reactivate these wretched feelings, that’s when they become an issue again.
I do appreciate your comments & your point of view, but I think you should give the world a little more credit. It’s really not THAT outlandish if most of my readers agreed with my point of view. & even if it is, just go with it! Life really can be beautiful if you start seeing it in that way. :]
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:55 pm:
Ev’Yan, you are so amazing. Thank you for writing this. I am a child of an interracial couple and I feel as though my mother wrote this entry to me. My mother is Caucasian and my dad is African-American. My mom was not permitted to date my father when she met him in High School. When she continued to secretly do so for years, she asked to leave home. My grandparents were not racist by any means, but it was just not socially acceptable in my mom’s cookie cutter suburban lifestyle. My parents secretly dated for years and eventually were accepted back into my grandparents life when they decided to get married. They have been together for over 30 years and I have never met anyone more in love. They never looked at each other and saw race. They looked at each other and saw their soulmates.
People often comment about how hard it is to be a biracial child, being torn between to races. But, I can honestly say that I have never experienced that. I credit my confidence in myself and in my uniqueness to the absolute love and devotion my parents have shown me and my two siblings our whole lives. I never felt like I couldn’t fit in or I wouldn’t be accepted because my parents raised me in a home of unconditional love. Love from a parent is not a race issue. I know there are some biracial children who have been tormented their whole lives for never fitting in. I am by no means saying their parents didn’t show them enough love. I am just commenting on how I was raised and how very much I appreciate your beautiful post.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:57 pm:
Wow! People resorting to name-calling, exclamation mark-throwing…so unnecessary. Amongst other things, no one said blacks should date only blacks. Read what I said and don’t jump to conclusions. I think Alexis b. explained it best. Im done with this rediculousness.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 3:59 pm:
i should have read alexis long comment before.And i relate to her at some point. i lived the same situation before. i’m french born in africa living in london.I went to a private school, where we were like 7 out of a bit less than 1000. i have been criticised for the way i looked, the music i listened, and mainly from only one side :my family and my fellow black “friends”
i have been dating 1 black guy in my all life, even though i have a really dark skin i wasn’t black enough, ghetto enough, bootylicious enough and too white to be with him.
i just think that “white people” don’t have problem with interracial, because they spent loads of time ignoring it and avoiding it that it became normal for some of them.Or it’s just that they were not borned at that time to think that dating a black girl or a girl with ginger could be an issue, and they just find it normal to be or to get married with a black girl,as much as it’s normal to get married with a blonde girl, and we should do so.
it’s just a question of color.Can you imagine telling yourself or having your friend say :”You cannot date that girl cuz she’s a brunnette!!!”
??
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:31 pm:
First & foremost, I want to say I absolutely adore this post. I’ve been reading your blog for almost a year now and I recently decided to subscribe to Jonathan’s newsletter. I’ve also followed your project 365 (admittedly out of a quite embarrassing need to see the pictures of all the lovely dishes you prepare)so I’ve always seen pictures of the both of you. I’ve seen your vimeo videos. Oh no, does this sound stalkerish? Sigh. My point is that I definitely have seen you guys together & followed your respective websites avidly, but never have I once thought “Oh, here’s a black girl dating a white guy. Oh wow, it’s an interracial relationship.” Alexis’ question actually made me kind of notice that yes, the both of you are from different races for the first time. Sometimes I forget that race & prejudice are very, very present in the world we live in; the construct of race seems to affect every aspect of our life. & I’ve forgotten just how much.
I was taken aback at the question. I felt like I wasn’t sure what she was asking. I’ve conditioned myself to not think of race in this way. I’ve come to believe that while I may be both black & white, Jamaican, Portuguese or from the Caribbean, I’m human. I’ve disregarded race completely because I hate vehemently the kind of prejudice and discrimination that happens just based on different concentrations of melanin. We’re all human; we all dream, hope and aspire. We all feel pain and we all love. It took me a long time to get to this point-where race wasn’t a issue, especially after hearing the mantra that “black is beauty and brown is shit!”
Here if you’re “lightskinned” like me, you get called “browning” a lot. If you’re brown then you’re seen as the perfect girl. I always said I’d never date a Jamaican guy because of that- no one wants to know that the only reason a guy likes you is because you’re brown. Furthermore, I definitely don’t fulfill any of the local stereotypes when it comes to music, movies, books, “lifestyle choices”, etc.
Love doesn’t care about skin colour; you love who your heart desires. I can never understand why it is that we think of ourselves as different just because of skin colour. We’re all still human and we love who love regardless.
Don’t get me wrong though. I definitely understand the race dynamic in our lives. I come from a multicultural country that is starkly socially stratified when it comes to skin color. I’m very aware of it, but have tried to get rid of that kind of thinking in my own life. It’s very much in society’s psyche; it’s the way people taught us how to think growing up and it’s not how I’d like my children to think at all (if I ever have them).
Sorry to make this so long.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:33 pm:
@ Jasmine: I’ve read your first comment a dozen times, trying to grasp what you’re saying without jumping to conclusions. I think it’s quite sad that you don’t think I’m “keeping it real.” As if my answers to the questions sound too good to be true, or something. I’m sorry you feel that way. But like I was telling Alexis, what IF what I’m saying is true? What IF I am being 100% genuine? What IF I’m “keeping it real”? It wouldn’t be a bad thing, I don’t think! The world would be a much better place if people like you & Alexis believed that it’s possible for the world to be a better place. You know what I mean? :]
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:35 pm:
To think that an “issue” like this is dead is naive, plane and simple, wishful thinking at best. Saying such a thing gives weight to all those whom immediately adopted the “post-racial” identity of America after Obama was elected, it’s a liberal cloud of misinformation. While Ev’Yan and others may live in very liberal and diverse cities and are surrounded by family and friends of the like, it is easy to forgot the MAJORITY of America is not like this. As an African American female involved in long term interracial relationship I understand where Ev’Yan is coming from, however the dismissive manner towards the subject is a bit troubling.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:42 pm:
@ Destiny: I happen to think that my dismissive attitude toward this subject is a GOOD thing. Because when you dismiss something, the drama & confliction surrounding it stops… & it loses its power over you & everyone else. The more we acknowledge that this “issue” still exists, the more it keeps thriving.
I definitely appreciate your point of view. I just wanted to offer a little bit more of my own.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:45 pm:
I can’t speak for everyone else, and I admit I haven’t read ALL of the comments here, nor do I know anything about Alexis other than the stuff that’s going on with this particular topic, but I think that what’s bothersome about her questions/comments is the ATTITUDE behind them. The way she presented her questions on the original post seemed (to me) very combative and defensive, which gave the impression that she had a problem with Ev’Yan’s and Jonathan’s interracial relationship. I guess her real concern (though I could be mis-reading this) is that this “issue” is more important than some other things that were addressed in the interview with Jonathan (“start this over so I can ask the real questions”).
Alexis, if you had simply expressed a desire to hear about the interracial aspect of their relationship and how that may OR MAY NOT affect their daily life, rather than assert that all the other questions people had asked were of no value, maybe more people would be in agreement with you. Or maybe there would be nothing to disagree over. Instead, you pull out the big guns, claiming that “the human brain functions in a way that causes us to naturally categorize people” to prove that, obviously, everyone who looks at Ev’Yan and Jonathan sees FIRST the difference in the color of their skin before anything else (like, say, their visible love for each other and the respect that is mutual between them). You’re speaking as if you are an expert on the way that every human WITHOUT EXCEPTION views the world, and I feel like that is incredibly ignorant. There are so many things that play into a person’s perception of the things and people around them — their upbringing, their community, their educational environment, their religious beliefs… It’s not just a matter of brain activity. And I don’t think that all of the comments in support of Ev’Yan’s points are due to people’s loyalty to her as a blogger — you’re implying that if we choose to read someone’s blog, we have decided to take every word they write as the gospel truth just because we’re subscribed? Hell no. Half the blogs I read are of people who have DRASTICALLY different viewpoints than me.
Gah. I don’t know why this is getting me so worked up. I guess I just hate to see people categorized in such unproductive ways — and that goes for BOTH the assertion that every human categorizes people by race and therefore judges (to some extent) people who choose to date or marry outside their own race, AND the assertion that if I read a blog, I am going to fall in line like a friggin’ robot, agreeing with everything that person has to say.
No.
Just no.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 4:56 pm:
May I please refer all haters here: http://ifeellike.org/2009/04/haters/
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:33 pm:
@Tabitha I completely agree. That’s exactly what made me feel outraged. Here attitude towards the subject. Her tone implied that she had a problem. “I call bullshit!” She makes this seem like such a poignant issue. Offensive is what that is. The fact that they are in an interracial relationship is more important than any of the questions in the interview? T That, in itself, is especially sad. It’s sad to me when anyone thinks that way. Regardless of what you, Alexis, have said about your views so far on their love. Please do not generalize people. Society has taught many of us in the past, including myself that we should take issue with people’s skin colour when it’s a negligible issue.
No, I’m not agreeing with Ev’Yan because she writes a blog I follow closely. To imply that we are all robots and once again insult every single one of the readers’ and their abilities to judge for themselves is also furthering insult to injury. & making generalizations about the way people think? No. No. No. Tabitha said it all, or most of it.
I am also very worked up. Race is usually an issue that gets me riled up very easily . I am glad though that the interwebs provide a forum for discussion about these kinds of issues.
Perhaps all that was needed was:
“Race is a big issues in America. Interracial dating? Marriage? How have you guys dealt with it & what are your personal opinions concerning this matter?
Perhaps?
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:35 pm:
For as long as I’ve known you, you and Jonathan have been married. That’s just been fact for the past year. I’m sure that contributed to the fact that I never took notice of the fact that you’re different races. Another contributing factor? I grew up in areas Los Angeles that were pretty racially diverse. Another factor? I’m also biracial – my dad is Caucasian and my mother is Asian. So, yeah, you’ve always just been gorgeous Ev’Yan and hottie Jonathan to me. (And then I got to know you and I learned that you’re both really smart and inspiring and completely devoted to each other, too.)
I think that because I’ve grown up in such diverse surroundings and because I’ve never really experienced racism, it’s normal and beautiful for me to see interracial couples.
Unfortunately, not everyone can be so lucky, so I don’t fault your reader for asking. Although she did seem pretty emotional, I really think that she felt like asking you would have been a safe environment because you and Jonathan are so honest and understanding. As always, you responded with the wisdom and grace that I always attribute to you. I’m proud of you! I hope her questions were answered to her liking, and we can put this conversation to bed. :)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:43 pm:
What a heavy duty subject to address, and what class you showed in addressing it when it was proposed in such a (seemingly) confrontational way. I loved your response, as well as your husband’s – honest, forthright and authentic. Bravo to you both. I just want to note that, after reading the original post that sparked this follow-up, I never missed not having the question of inter-racial anything posed. Maybe I, too, am “naive.” But I thought the initial questions were lovely and conveyed, without question, the love, passion and strength of your relationship. That is what impressed and inspired me. A healthy relationship is so damn hard to have, and you have it. That (in my book) should be more than enough.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 5:51 pm:
I would just like to say that I am not agreeing with Ev’Yan just for the heck of it but because I truly feel the same. When I asked my boyfriend, who is mixed beyond belief, how he felt about the race issue and he gave me the following response. “I never had any problems from my own family or people that I grew up with. I experienced the misunderstanding from people who chose not to accept me as a person but rather for my race.”
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 6:38 pm:
In an earlier comment I said that I didn’t immediately notice that Ev’Yan and Jonathan were an ‘inter-racial’ couple. That doesn’t mean to say that I didn’t notice that Ev’Yan and Jonathan had different skin pigments, because you honestly would need to be blind to not notice the contrast. What I meant, and I’m sure others, too, is that even though I noticed their differences, the last thing from my mind was that they were inter-racial. Much the same way as when you see a man and woman together you don’t think ‘oh look, there goes a hetro-sexual couple’.
I read a study once, where each participant wrote a list of what they felt defined them. There were alot of interesting answers, but one thing that was noted was that when defining themselves, the prevalent attributes were that of the minority, ie most women said that one attribute that defined her was that she was female, but most men did not say that their sex as a male defined them.
What I’m trying to say, in a very round-about way, is that if mixed couples are common enough where you are, are part of your everyday life then you don’t feel the need to label it, point it out, or notice it. Where I am, mixed race relationships are not even remotely uncommon, so I personally don’t even think about it when I see a mixed race couple right in front of me. For me, they are a couple. I don’t think ‘oh look, an inter-racial couple’.
So no, it wasn’t a boldface lie. It was the honest truth. Just because Alexis noticed the contrast, because of her unique background, doesn’t mean that everyone else did.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 6:48 pm:
alexis b.™:
“Ugh. This is what I mean about bloggers and their readers…That’s the flaw in this particular form of self-expression. Bias. Think wrongly if you please, but for the love of God, think for yourselves.”
Maybe you don’t mean it like this, but it sounds like you think ALL of us are biased because we read Ev’Yan’s blog. While I’m sure there are some (you make a good point) you shouldn’t write us ALL off as biased; also, just because we don’t all agree with you, doesn’t mean we’re biased.
“That I have enough life experience to be socially aware?”
I’ve [also] personally had enough life experiences NOT receiving prejudice against being biracial, that I KNOW me dismissing it as an issue is also being “socially aware.” Perhaps it pertains to area, and upbringing, and a whole bunch of other variables, but, you personal experiences do not make your beliefs a universal fact, just like mine.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:19 pm:
alexis, I was upset because you came at her sideways. I was offended because Ev is a personal friend of mine. Trust, if the topic were about anything else and you asked her something else in the manner that you did, I would have responded similarly. She is too sweet for shade to be thrown her way.
Now, I really don’t think that any of us think racism and the x,y,z with it are dead issues, but they are alive and well in the people who CHOOSE to keep them alive and well. Ev is not that person, I am not that person, and apparently several people who have commented are not those people. Again, I am saddened by your personal experience, but you can choose to let that color (no pun intended) how you continue to look at the world.
At present, I am a LOT more progressive thinking and tolerant than I was when I was growing up. I could have been narrow-minded, sticking to “my own” and all the ill-informed b.s. that goes along with living your life like that, but I CHOSE to be more open and considerate of the fact that we are citizens of the world. We’re all human, and I view people as such. Sure, others may not share that view, but that has shit to do with me. I won’t kick what I view as a dead horse, but if you want to keep it on life support, go right ahead.
Side note: I LOVE EV’S MOM!
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:20 pm:
I think when you live in more liberal areas the interactions and reactions race gets aren’t at the forefront of most peoples minds. We connect with people over mutual interests and we grow culturally when those connections happen with different races/ethnicities. Those relationships start with the acknowledgment of our differences in race, but how long you hold on to that difference, or how long you hide behind that difference, or how you allow that difference to define your relationship is (at the core) a personal issue only the individual can deal with and get past.
We should always respect and acknowledge the beauty in our cultural and ethnic differences, but in my opinion racial differences should never be the DEFINING aspect of a relationship.
Those who left comments that are at the extreme on either end of the topic have had their own experiences that have brought them to their current opinion and we should respect that and learn from it.
This is a beautiful post. Thanks Ev’Yan
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:23 pm:
And for the record, I’m fully grown and capable of forming my own opinion. Just because I don’t agree with yours doesn’t make me biased toward hers or anyone else’s for that matter.
And to piggyback on Jinx, being socially aware and knowing what you know because of your life experience do not equate by any measure. I would submit that knowing that there is more to life that how yours was lived makes you more socially aware.
*kanye shrug*
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:35 pm:
Just grabbed a quote from my friend Krystal
“I was given this life, and it is nobody’s responsibility to coddle me into happiness, that is my own job here. Everyone has a sad story, some people have many, but it’s what we choose to do about our own life that matters, not the past–it’s dead.”
cherry.on.top.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:49 pm:
this is a topic i study at university, & to quote a favorite article of mine:
“Belief in the color-blind society protects White people from realizing that they benefit from racism; as long as it is hidden from consciousness, they can maintain the illusion that they are not responsible for the state of race relations because they do not knowingly engage in racist behaviors. Making the “invisible” visible is the first step toward dismantling the unfair and harmful nature of whiteness and the myth of the color-blind society.”
after viewing these comments i STRONGLY urge @apricottea & everyone else to please read – whitewashing race: the myth of a color blind society -
OR, if you don’t have time for that please PLEASE look at this article:
http://findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m0DXK/is_19_20/ai_111112046/
i’m not really interested in/attacking apricot’s personal life, she should live how she chooses, i’m merely recommending these readings for those who are promoting “color blindness” as a way of living in society – because i think that is a wholly irresponsible notion to promote, especially if you haven’t truly grasped this topic in its entirety.
being “color blind” may sound charming & idealistic, but is actually a very dangerous notion and is, in my experience, completely rejected in the academic world… give it some deep thought please. :)
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 7:51 pm:
Ev’Yan. Your comment came off ill-informed, smug, and a bit insensitive with regard to your comments about black people. I would just think you’d be a little less careless in your speech. I noticed you are a black woman with a white male, yes. Thoughts may have even ran through my head happening upon that information….don’t remember. Attractive couple maybe? Couldnt tell you. But the point is, I noticed. I always notice that dynamic. And the abundance of people, both on this blog and in this country espousing the “I dont see color” notion kills me to my core. Its a simplistic phrase to such a problematic matter — racism. Its slightly dismissive and insulting to anyone who deals with it day in and day out. There’s so much to say about this…
You don’t see race…but your preference is white men. It just doesnt register to me.
No one is saying you need to date and/or marry only black men. But as stated before, to prefer only white men says something about your regard for men of your own race –and like Alexis said — yourself. I gave that information to a Filipino friend of mine who only dated black men, and I maintain my stance.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:02 pm:
Jasmine, her commentary was based on her personal experience. I don’t know what more information than personal experience she would have needed to make it.
I also don’t see how one could expect her to be attracted to what she wasn’t really around. To say she is self-hating or any derivative thereof is ill-informed, smug, and a bit insensitive. You tend to like what you’re around, point blank. If she grew up in the Crenshaw district, I could understand your statement more, but she didn’t…she clearly stated that she grew up in a predominantly white area, so what you’re saying doesn’t really register to me.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:17 pm:
And it needs to be said that this needs to be discussed and several people on here, cursing, calling names, responding with such hostility is uncalled for. No one’s calling Ev’Yan stupid. No one is saying her and Jonathan shouldnt be together. No one’s attacking her. The topic of race came up and people will always have opinions about it. Its when it comes to attacking other people’s feedback on it that it becomes completely counter-productive. Dissent is not inherently bad. Those who have said they work to not consider race and don’t use it to make an informed decision about any portion of their life, I sincerey hope, are telling the truth. But read lots of books on it nonetheless, take a couple sociology and ethnic studies courses….simply blocking it out of your mind just doesnt sound like a practical solution. Because its out there, and its not going away anytime soon. My major is Sociology so Im very comfortable with talking about race, and yet still not allowing it dictate my life or my dealings with those outside of my race. Too often people are quick to trivialize and degrade those who bring up the race factor…
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 8:30 pm:
@ Jasmine: I am not the kind of person to go back & forth with another [faceless] person via the internet; especially not in the comment’s section of my blog. BUT, I’d like to make it quite clear to you — & to everyone else who might have also misconstrued my words — that I NEVER said that I prefer to “only date white men.” Never. I said that I dated MORE white men than black men, but I never said that I ONLY dated white men. If you read my post more thoroughly, you would see that I said that I dated 2 black men in my life & several of the “white” guys I mentioned I was referring to their SKIN COLOR, & not their ethnicity. Some were of Hispanic decent, some were of Native American descent. Regardless, you took my words out of the context. Or, rather, you read my words & inserted YOUR OWN beliefs & agendas on them.
Also, I never said that I’m “blocking racism from my mind.” Jonathan & I are very aware that racism exists. We just choose to not make it a part of OUR REALITY, because to do so would hinder our relationship. Again, I must repeat, when you dismiss something, the drama & confliction surrounding it stops… & it loses its power over you & everyone else. The more we acknowledge that this “issue” still exists, the more it keeps thriving.
Ahhh, it’s so incredibly stupid (& seemingly useless, at this point) that I have to explain myself to a bunch of strangers, when I made everything quite clear in my post.
Let it be understood: I’m all for healthy debate. I don’t mind hearing opposing arguments & I can take constructive criticism, but your comments are starting to attack MY character, & I won’t tolerate that. I’ve approved your comments because, while your points aren’t completely clear (or accurate, when speaking about me), I respect your opinion. But I’m not about to go back & forth with you on what I said, what I didn’t say, what I AM & WHAT I AM NOT. So I just ask that you save yourself the trouble.
& I really hope you mean it when you say you’re “done”, because I’m done, as well.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 9:05 pm:
Tabitha, Sasha & Jinx, I didn’t say ALL of Ev’s readers are biased, I stated that, that is the problem in having debates on blogs. Loyal readers of blogs (mine included) tend to get attached to the blogger and jump at their defense without approaching the topic from an impartial point of view. I’ve witnessed this on many blogs, even my own. Not to say all of you didn’t come to conclusions on your own, that comment was clearly directed to people who evidently didn’t read the entire post and even went as far as to insult me and insinuate that my way of thinking is stupid and conservative. (Trust me, no one is more liberal than I am.)
And yes, I’ll admit that my initial question was combative and confrontational, but know that it was intentional. I’ve had experience commenting on this blog or showing Ev appreciation for her writng through twitter before without getting any response and knew that the way I worded it, would not only get her attention, but arouse enough passion in her to respond. Don’t worry Ev, it’s natural that we feel compelled to reply to comments that don’t agree with us. A million people tell celebrities their beautiful everyday and they always choose to respond to the few who say otherwise. Honestly, I knew when I asked the questions the way that I asked them that Ev’Yan would not only make an entirely new blog to address them, but that they would spark an interesting debate. Kindly expressing a desire to hear about the interracial aspect of their relationship wouldn’t have. However, I would NEVER imply that the race issue is more important than any other aspect of their relationship, and I certainly would never say it’s more important than love.
I AM, actually an expert on the human brain and how we visualize things. I am certain contrast is the first things people notice about couples..just think of your initial thoughts when you see an extremely tall person with an extremely short person, or a very thin person with an overweight person. I’m also certain we our brains have what is called ‘group mentality’. It’s a good thing, being that it makes us want to interact with other humans.. yet is also what makes us want to fit into a group and to live up to society’s standards of what a perfect person should be which gives us a desire to fit that profile and discriminate against those who don’t (ie: different skin color, sexual orientation, gender, body types, etc)…which is why we categorize people, we have since evolution and always will.
You all are wasting your time talking about variables that contribute to your opinion. This point has been established. I may think the issue isn’t dead because of my life experience, you all may think racism doesn’t exist because by some miracle of God, all of Ev’s readers happen to come from such liberal and diverse and accepting communities and never experienced it. Cool. I get it. But those are still exceptions. Like Destiny said, MAJORITY of America is not like this. In fact, majority of the world. Despite the fact that everyone in places like Brazil and Cuba are ALL Brazilian and Cuban, the divide due to skin color is unsettling. I’ve lived in DC and NY and know and accept that not all places are are as segregated as NJ, but I’m shocked that so many of you are unaware that majority of the world is.
Destiny, I can’t agree with you more. Her calling it a dead issue is what struck me the most. Like George Bush saying Global Warming does exist. Like standing on my foot and saying ‘I’m not standing on your foot’. Dismissing it and calling it a dead issue is not only troubling, but damned near offensive to those of us who do experience backlash due to their ethnicity. It’s like those ‘you’re reading too much into it’ comments. Not only are you dismissing the issue, but your dismissing peoples experiences. I don’t know and will never know an entire side of my family due to an issue that is supposedly “dead”? I don’t see any other entries on this blog with 100+ comments and why is that? Because this is a subject that evidently cuts to the core of people. Clearly, it can’t be dead. I do respect Ev’s ‘ignore it and it’ll go away’ attitude, but I don’t think it’s the right solution.
I am done with this argument until someone makes a valid point that hasn’t already been made. I will say though, all of you should pay close attention to Erin’s comment. I too study this topic, and am writing a series about it and I think it would help you all understand where I’m coming from. Goodnight.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 9:06 pm:
This was good reading guys..Ev’Yan, I’m sort of new to your blog and adore your youthful wisdom and this is the first time I’ve ever decided to comment on a post. Honestly, I think the way an individual sees the world has a LOT to do with where you grew up, what you were exposed to, and where you currently live. You are a product of your environment.
Race is definitely still an issue in the south. I’m from Atlanta, which is a diverse city as a whole, but is still very segregated. I was blessed to grow up in a home where my parents preached love, regardless of race. I choose to surround myself with whomever I fancy, and although I’ve never dated a white guy,it wouldn’t be a problem in my family. Still, interracial unions are very taboo so I can understand Alexis’ point.
I don’t think at all it’s backwards are out of date thinking to want to know the answer to that question, because for some of us it’s real life. It’s sort of like trying to tell someone who’s ever experienced any form of prejudice that they are overreacting or reading into the situation. Bogus. It’s like a 6th sense of some sort, you know when it’s happening to you and it hurts like hell. It’s not quite so simple to write them off as ignorant and keep it moving…the injustice bothers you, makes you question why, and you practice what you would say the next time it happens…you get the drift. I think if it never happens to you or it’s as silly as name calling, then you don’t have to think about those circumstances because you can SEE the ignorance. It’s different when it’s woven in the fabric of your life and you have too…
So for me, I totally wanted to know how you dealt with the issue and decided that you must stay in a really diverse area with a bunch of diverse friends if it never comes up. But I don’t think my curiosity is feeding the fire, because the goal isn’t to get a melting pot of the races, but the goal is to eradicate the ignorance that’s associated with our different.
I think it’s beautiful that you and Jonathan love each other and only see what truly matters about one another.
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 9:18 pm:
I’m white. As fuck. So I’m probably fodder for being lambasted here (and if that’s the case, you can go to hell. My family is Salish and I’ve gotten funny looks for being the white girl on the Rez) because I believe that you can be goddamn “color blind” and that’s not necessarily the evil that article says it is.
In response to this idea that color blindness is bad… the article cited says:
“The pretense by some White Americans of not seeing color is motivated by the need to appear free of bias and prejudice, fears that what they say or do many appear racist, or an attempt to cover up hidden biases. To be color blind not only denies the central importance of racial differences in the psychological experience of minorities (racism and discrimination), but also allows the White person to deny how his or her whiteness intrudes upon the person of color.”
I call bullshit! I am not “whites” and I don’t live in a world where someone is less than me because they are ANYTHING. Color, creed, gender, whatever. I’ve had friends of African American descent and you know what? Just like Jonathan and Ev’yan, I didn’t see them as a certain color. I had a Columbian lover once. He was just like me, except he had boy parts and big muscles. That didn’t change the fact that we had a love and respect for each other. The idea of colorblindness as a problem stems from generations that came before us. Many of the younger (Younger than 30?? We’ll go with that for now) generations I’ve observerd don’t see color/creed/sex/gender/preference as ways to discriminate people. So go ahead and tell me I’m wrong. I live in a world where crimes against people aren’t crimes against a certain color or race. They’re injustices against people. That’s it. Fair and square.
/end rant. I have notes to take
on Tuesday, January 26th, 2010 at 10:22 pm:
Woah, this got heated real quick! I just wanted to say that my husband and I (I’m African-American, he’s Australian Aboriginal and Irish)could not be more different racially. When we first met, we didn’t really consider each other’s race as an issue. Through our experiences, however, we’ve grown to appreciate the differences in each other’s cultures and celebrate that fact. I’ll make Gumbo for Christmas, and then we’ll visit his family for Easter and have kangaroo stew (sounds strange, I know but it’s lovely). So we’ve taken another perspective on the whole interracial marriage thing and, instead of regarding it as unimportant, we’ve learned to celebrate our racial differences because they are part of what makes us who we are.
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 12:45 am:
@birdie
i’m glad it’s so clear cut for you. you should write a book that changes the entire tide of race studies – cornel west’s mind will be BLOWN.
all kidding aside, it is very narrow minded to only look at your own – apparently perfectly un-racist – experience.
injustices against people that occur BECAUSE of race are just that, BECAUSE of race. but that is a side point and not directly related to this topic, nor is your own experience and self proclaimed color blindness.
i will point out that your response, however, is typical, very typical, for the privileged class. obviously, you feel no guilt, and you probably shouldn’t, for the transgressions of your elders – however, it is unfair and most certainly untrue to say it’s an issue of the past – because it’s an issue of the NOW, and pretending that it’s not won’t help anyone. it will only secure a status quo where the disparity between whites and blacks is still giant and destructive.
racism still exists. pretending racial differences don’t exist & don’t matter in our society wont help anyone or solve any problems. of course, you should do what you like! what does academia know anyway right? YOU probably have it ALL figured out (hell, i used to before i went to college, i knew everything). so, carry on as you like.
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 7:31 am:
WOW! i completely agree with you. why should the color of one’s skin be an issue? u love each other. period.
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 7:39 am:
Many issues, topics and theories that are accepted in the acedemic world do not go hand in hand in the real world.
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 8:09 am:
I’ll preface this by saying, if you really aren’t interested in trying to see the other side of things, skip this comment.
Like a few of the commenters above me, I’m usually just a silent reader of your blog. But something like this…ha. I have to say something.
Ignoring a problem WILL NOT help solve it. While I usually find your posts clever, this one just seems ignorant. That doesn’t mean you’re stupid, just that there are somethings that you’re unaware of. Lots of the responses (especially the “I don’t see color” and the “race isn’t a big deal” ones) are just completely sad. Everyone sees color. My clinically colorblind father sees (albeit wrong) color. This mindset you have about “just seeing the inside” doesn’t make you progressive. Instead, it makes you someone who retards the progressive process.
” My preferences in music, books, clothing, film, etc., scared black guys off.”
Seriously? Because black guys are afraid of black girls that listen to Radiohead? Lol! I’m trying to keep this sweet because you’re a nice girl, but you’re coming off as being incredibly uninformed about the world and how it works.
“Because when you dismiss something, the drama & confliction surrounding it stops…”
This might be true when the kids on the bus are talking about you, that’ll stop eventually. But “race” is a bit more pressing than that.
To Birdie:
“I am not “whites” and I don’t live in a world where someone is less than me because they are ANYTHING. Color, creed, gender, whatever.”
If you live in America, you do live in that world.
I recommend that you and Ev read this article: http://bit.ly/1P7DyP
TO Jasmine:
I really can’t believe that you’re the only one that said something. Kudos to you!
Further reading:
There’s a great book you can pick up about this topic and more like it: Race, Class and Gender in the United States by Patricia Hill Anderson
http://www.lipmagazine.org/~timwise/NoNotEveryone.html
I know comments have to be approved. I hope everyone that reads this gets a chance to do some research and study the facts. If anything, I’m incredibly happy that this conversation was struck! :)
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 8:22 am:
what is this the 70’s?
seriously… i prefer that interracial families not make a big deal about it… my dad is white and my mom is native american, my stepmom is chinese, my uncle is philipino/white, his kids are from kazakstan, and my husband is german. at the dinner table none of that is an issue (except at my husband’s parents table..who think americans are novel and well, ’simple’)
but i’ve always lived in ethnically diverse neighborhoods, and i think when you make a big circus out of something that’s not a circus ‘hey look at us, we’re special because we’re multicultural.’ always makes me roll my eyes.
that said in response to johnathan… i think that kind of jealousy from men is normal (meaning the black men who think you are ‘just friends’) my husband is 8 years younger than me, and men my age and older often give us that treatment, but I don’t mind…often it’s the guys who are always after younger women, the kind that don’t find women their own age attractive… on the flipside, young women often think i’m the ‘friend’ and flirt with my husband… he’s always so clueless though!
on Wednesday, January 27th, 2010 at 11:14 am:
@ Airn: ”My preferences in music, books, clothing, film, etc., scared black guys off.”
“Seriously? Because black guys are afraid of black girls that listen to Radiohead? Lol! I’m trying to keep this sweet because you’re a nice girl, but you’re coming off as being incredibly uninformed about the world and how it works.”
I don’t understand why this bothers you so much. I’m just telling you the truth of MY personal experience. Perhaps those black guys were the one who were uninformed about the world & how it works… Because I agree, it’s quite silly for someone to be “scared off” by a girl who listens to Radiohead. But they told me straight-away that this is how they felt; this is not an assumption on my part. & again, this was just my personal experience.