After I posted Jonathan’s interview, a small discussion was started in the comments section. One person in particular wanted to know more about the “interracial” aspect of our marriage & how that affects us & our families.
This is the comment that sparked the discussion:
“wait; no interracial couple questions? as a mulatto product of a biracial couple, i call bullshit. there’s no WAYYY this topic hasn’t been brought up, in your relationship and from outsiders. and if it hasn’t, it certainly needs to be discussed. start this over so I can ask the real questions.” — Alexis
While I admit that this comment seems very irate, I’m going to respond to it with as much kindness & understanding as I can muster. Because I don’t know Alexis, & I don’t know what she’s gone through. She might have experienced terrible kinds of discrimination to a degree that makes her feel so passionate about this subject. & I am going to keep that in mind as I respond to her comment.
Perhaps I am a square, but I was rather pleased that people didn’t give that topic (my interracial relationship) the time of day; that people focused on our love, rather than something as narrow-minded as the color of our skin. I think it’s amusing how people make such a big to-do about a subject so insignificant on the surface. Jonathan & I don’t really give our interracial relationship much thought until other people make a big deal out of it. We are just two human beings, desperately in love with each other. It’s a small trait in our relationship that I am black & he is white.
I feel that this is a subject that has been beaten into the ground to the point of irrelevance. I also consider it trivial in a lot of ways, simply because when I look at Jonathan I don’t see that he is white, just as he doesn’t see that I am black. We see love, we see commitment, we see compassion. The color of our skin & the “trouble” it might stir in others is the farthest thing from our minds, & it has been ever since we have been together. & even if it did cause a commotion, it wouldn’t change the way I feel about him, nor would it change the way I show the way I feel about him.
People might call our passivity & nonchalance to the “race issue” naïve. I call it wise. I call it mature. I call it positive thinking.
So Alexis, I’ll answer your questions, but only because you are curious. Please know that I am not trying to feed into the “hype” surrounding interracial relationships by answering your questions. Also know that if it seems like I am singling you out by seemingly addressing this post to you, it’s not directly my intention. Your questions — though filled with agitation — were good ones, & I feel like they could be easily shared by others. You were just brave enough to call them out.
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Alexis asks…
Have you always been predominantly attracted to white men? As a child, when you saw yourself getting married, was it to a white man? If so, what about white men attract you?
In a short answer, Yes. I was raised in a predominantly white community. My high school had no more than a dozen black people in it; maybe less. Because of that ratio, & because of my upbringing — most of my friends were of other races aside from my own — I found myself dating & attracted to guys mainly of Caucasian descent. In my entire life, I only dated two black guys. The relationships didn’t last long, & weren’t really that serious.
I really can’t say just what attracted me to white men. I just preferred them, & for the most part, they preferred me. The black guys I did date dated me for my looks. We often had little to nothing in common. & even in spite of them dating me for my looks, they weren’t satisfied completely. One guy told me my butt wasn’t “ghetto” enough; another told me that I talked “too proper.” I even had one guy [a black friend] tell me, in not so many words, that he could never date me because I wasn’t a “normal black girl” (whatever the hell that means). Since I wasn’t what he considered to be a “normal black girl”, he felt there was something wrong with me, & wouldn’t touch me with a 9-foot pole. My preferences in music, books, clothing, film, etc., scared black guys off. I wasn’t “black enough” for them, I guess. & that was their loss.
With white guys, however, I never received comments like that. From what I know, most of them were fairly satisfied with me as I was, & had no expectations of who I should be. Sure, they were surprised at how articulate & educated I was; their parents, especially. But no one ever gave it a second thought, especially after meeting & knowing me. I’d like to think that white guys dated me because we were compatible, because they thought I was interesting, or because I was a fun person to be around. Then again, I had one boyfriend tell me that one of the reasons he liked dating me was because he knew my nipples weren’t pink like white girls; that they were brown. (Yes, he seriously said that.) Otherwise, I don’t know the reasons behind white guys choosing to date me. You’d have to ask them.
& this isn’t to say that ALL black men feel a certain way, & all white guys another. It was just my personal experience.
& as for me envisioning me getting married to a white man… I didn’t “envision” anything. I just wanted someone who would love me with all of his might without hesitation.
I must ask how your family feels about this? Distant relatives and all? Even if their true feelings are just shown subliminally?
I can’t speak for my family. But I do know — from what they have told me & from what I’ve seen — that they adore Jonathan. They consider him a part of our family & care for him almost as much as I do. They have no qualms about him being white, & had no bad things to say regarding the other white guys I dated. They accepted every guy that I (& my sister, who is also dating a white guy) brought to their dinner table with grace, genuine curiosity, & kindness. The most important thing to them was that I was treated with tenderness & respect. Whether that be by a black man, a white man, a polka-dotted man, a man with no arms or legs, it made no difference. They simply wanted their daughter to find happiness & to be honored. I am very, very grateful to have such an open-minded & loving family.
I also can’t speak for Jonathan’s family. But I know that they love me as if I were their own, as I love them. They have accepted me with open arms & have never given Jonathan the third degree about marrying a “negro.” They don’t give my race a second thought. I am very grateful to have such a wonderful & kind in-law family.
Have you two discussed the confusion your [mixed] children may endure and how you will handle it?
We’ve most definitely discussed this. Even so, this specific subject (the prospect of having children) is so far-fetched that it’s really difficult to put ourselves in a position to answer that. At this point, we don’t even know if we WANT children, let alone how we would raise them. I’m the kind of girl that lives one minute at a time. I don’t have time to think about the future or our phantom-children.
Have you and Jonathan faced any backlash from being an interracial couple? Examples?
We’ve gotten some interesting looks, mainly from people of MY race (black women & men). But we have never had anyone directly say anything to us regarding our relationship, & we’ve been blessed enough to never have had to face discrimination or prejudice. We live in a very diverse, multicultural town. There are interracial relationships & mixed children all over the place. Blacks with whites, Asians with whites, Indians with blacks, & so on. Jonathan & I are just another very in love couple in the universe. People really don’t pay us any attention.
what Jonathan had to say:
“I don’t think about it much that I am in an interracial relationship. The thought rarely occurs to me. I guess it’s because it’s so integrated and so normal that it doesn’t feel like anything other than completely natural. Maybe it would be different if there was a push back, prejudice, or some kind of resistance from either from my or Ev’Yan’s family. But since neither of us have ever experienced that, it’s not something that I think about consciously very often.
I do think about it sometimes when we’re around other black people, particularly men. I get a lot of looks from black men where it seems as though they don’t assume we’re together. They treat me as if I’m her (Ev’Yan’s) friend or something. Maybe they’re jealous, or maybe they can’t wrap their minds around it, I’m not sure. Maybe a bit of both. That situation is probably when I think about it the most, being around other black men. Otherwise, I don’t think about it much, and even when I do, it’s not something that really bothers me or I feel like I have difficulty navigating my feelings around it. Like I said, it’s completely normal to me.
It’s strange that some people (some of Ev’Yan’s readers included) think that it would be a huge issue. Like we’re just automatically supposed to have some kind of stigma or issues because of it. But we honestly don’t. Maybe it would be different if our families weren’t so accepting, if we had kids, or lived within a more racially homogeneous culture (we live in a very diverse community). I really can’t say because I haven’t been in that situation. Either way, it would never affect my feelings toward Ev’Yan or my commitment to our relationship. Others can see and think what they want. But I think other people’s opinions are a petty tyrant when compared to your personal opinions. I don’t see an interracial marriage. I see two people in love, unreservedly committed, and absolutely supportive. I don’t see her as black and me as white. The colors of our skin don’t affect my feelings, thoughts, or opinions. The contents of our relationship, our intimacy, our character, and our love is what I see. That’s enough for me, and to be truthful, it is something I wake up every day grateful to experience.”
One last thing:
I want to make it very clear to everyone that we are in no way blind to the fact that prejudice & racism still exists in this world. But we’ve made a conscious effort to not let that be the deciding factor of our happiness, our love, or our marriage. By not brooding on something fueled by such hate & judgment, we’re changing the way we see the world, & in turn, we’re changing the way the world sees us.
I think it’s also fair to point out that we’re just of different races; our skin color only has an opposite pigmentation. People speak of our relationship so incredulously, as if he’s a rhinoceros & I a 7-foot-tall bearded woman. It’s really not as difficult & dramatic & queer as some people make it seem.
Let the message be clear: regardless of the color of your skin — hell, the preference of gender! — let love be the only thing that fuels you in this world, & don’t let any fool tell you otherwise.
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