Today… I was going to write about how inadequate / fat / small / insignificant / lost/ ridiculous I feel, & how long these feelings have been permeating through my brain (consistently for a few weeks now).
Today… I was going to write about all the things I need to do: I need to exercise; I need to eat better; I need to dress better; I need to look better; I need to feel better.
Today… I was going to whine about the diamond ring / the pair of shoes / the tube of mascara / the new car I want. I was going to mope, wallow, & pout about every little thing that makes me uncool, unpopular, unhip, unloved, & unwanted.
I was going to go on & on about those silly things, those wretched lies… until I read these words:
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There has been a constant thought-ad campaign running since I was a little kid, though I like to pretend it has become more sophisticated as I’ve matured.
The basic message has always been the same: “You are not enough.” The longer version goes like this: “Face it— you were never one of the cool kids. In fact, you’ve never been close to cool. For this transgression, you shall forever remain unworthy of the blessings in your life. You are inadequate in ways you can’t even describe or pinpoint. But if you do THIS, if you get THAT, if you believe the other thing, then you might, maybe, possibly, be okay (but only for a little while).” I’ve become the worse kind of consumer– a consumer of unmeetable expectations. …So much time in life has been lost chasing the morphing ghosts of Cool, when I could’ve been learning how to be Kind.
Along with the hundreds of other images of women (& men) that we see every day on the TV & movie screens, the faces on the magazine rack form one vague but cohesive personality, one superhuman ideal that shifts slightly (& profitably) with whatever style is seasonally declared. This superhuman figure embodies a perfection of sexuality & a fulfillment of lifestyle. Call her MegaGirl—a superhero whose superpower isn’t anything specific. She doesn’t really do anything. …It’s not about what she does. It’s about what she has. She’s got IT. Just don’t ask what IT is, because you won’t get a straight answer from anyone. IT is a shadow; IT is a whisper; IT is something we could never possess unless we buy into the image & its accessories.
MegaGirl is the bane of the existence of every actual girl & woman I have ever known or loved. …Her ominous voice of judgment lurks in the back of their skulls. Even those women who revolt against MegaGirl’s oppression, those who’ve read or written a thousand essays denouncing the objectification of women in all its subtle forms—all of them live with MegaGirl. She is a psychic force to be reckoned with on that rack.
The mental impulse to chase an image of perfection is what keeps us coming back for another serving of inadequacy. …Of course, our modern culture of manufactured desires only intensifies the feeling of this inadequacy. We are utterly bombarded 24/7/365 by advertising meant to show us something we don’t have (but could rent pieces of, because, after all, we’re worth it!). The more bombarded we get, the less space we have to examine how our ideas of perfection are manufactured at the mental source, how they fountain out of our own insecure self-image.
When we have no way to rest with the present moment, its ups, downs, and scattered vicissitudes, we become rampant consumers of our own experience & colonizers of our own minds. We start using our natural resources to impose oppressive ideas of the way we’re supposed to be. This is how I find myself craving the latest iPod when a few years ago a cassette Walkman was more than enough. This is why so many people care where that A-list person of the moment eats breakfast…
There are certain traditional characteristics that an enlightened person is supposed to possess, certain ways such a person acts & moves through the world. A Buddha [which is just a Sanskrit word meaning "someone who is awake"] doesn’t act any differently whether she is among other people or all by herself. She doesn’t put on any façades; she doesn’t wish she were someone else; she doesn’t say what she thinks other people want her to say; she doesn’t worry if other people think she looks all right. She does look all right. She is all right. She has no affect, zero pretense. Her presence is 100% authentic. & that authenticity makes her a powerful person. Her inner strength comes from an underlying feeling of total adequacy. & this strength radiates out from her to the people around her, as if she were a living billboard blazing this slogan: “You’re great as you are. No joke.” She’s not trying to sell an image of herself to anyone–especially not to herself. & for this feat, she is, you could say, “extra” ordinary.
It sounds great, right? Being completely comfortable in our own transient skin sounds like an ideal way to be…
(From the book “One City: A Declaration of Interdependence, by Ethan Nichtern“; pages 16, 17, 22, & 23.)
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It was with those words that I was brought back to true reality. It was with those words that I was brutally woken up to the kind of harshness I impose on myself daily, both directly & indirectly.
I only started reading this book a few days ago — at the recommendation of Jonathan, who is part of the author’s project — & already I’m enamored by it.
If only the text written above could be permanently tattooed on the judgmental, perfectionist part of my brain…
Right on, Ev’yan. I just was telling a friend how I feel like life in my 20s is constant material for a “self help” book. if it isn’t my physical well being it’s finances and if not that it’s the career and it’s not that it’s spiritual growth. i’m trying to find a balance between self improvement but also making sure i love and appreciate myself and my life that i have now. my blessings.
i hope you do to. you’re beautiful in many ways! xo, L (yay book club!)
Well put; both you and Nichtern. I was just thinking about this as I passed a mirror today while running some errands. I’ve been doing a lot of inner work over the years, so I can say that MegaGirl does lose her power over time. She’s still there, but I’ve learned to tune her out for the most part … not buy into her whole philosophy.
It’s easier when I keep a long-term perspective. There will always, always be beautiful girls out there. Girls who are thinner, prettier and better dressed than I could ever hope to be. But when I’m 80 years old, it’s not going to matter how well I fit those rigid standards of beauty. What WILL matter is whether or not I’ve managed to lead an overall happy life. And MegaGirl makes me miserable, so screw her.
Thanks for sharing that passage. I’m happy to hear you got that personal shift out of the book. About that last part you bolded – I would say there’s greater power in accepting that the judgmental, perfectionst part of your brain is there. When you make it into an enemy, you strengthen it. When you accept it fully and don’t “feed” it with any more labeling, it will slowly erode with no negative traces left behind.
When you label that part of you as wrong, you layer it once again with more inauthenticity. It’s like trying to fight being human. You are as you are because you are as you are. Once you accept that, there’s nothing else that’s left to get to. And that’s where the current moment, or life, lives.
WOW. Reading that, you know (or I knew) that it was speaking to that one part of me that cares what other people think/do/say/want/expect. It’s amazing how much we let that part out, and repress the other parts of our brain that know we’re good enough/smart enough/beautiful/etc.
Thanks for posting this, lady.
I am literally in tears as I read this…wow. Just, wow. So much there, so much to learn. Looks like I’ve got a book to pick up.
I love this. We all really need to consider how to be genuine and more real. Women are especially bad about this too. And we feed off of each other thinking it is acceptable to keep on trying to reach the unattainable.
this is so true… I definitely need the same tattoo on my brain.
The book has been added to my wish-list on amazon.co.uk, to be purchased come pay day.
Thanks
I’m so glad you didn’t go on a self-deprecating rant. Ev, you are gorgeous, you have a wonderful husband, a loving family, cook beautiful food, and have somehow mastered how to live simply and look amazing while doing it.
This book sounds like a great read. I’ve been in many a funk caused by not just accepting and appreciating the present.
I think everyone needs to read this! It’s so true and powerful that we need to stop looking outside of ourselves for satisfaction and look inward. Loved this line “So much time in life has been lost chasing the morphing ghosts of Cool, when I could’ve been learning how to be Kind.” Great post!
I “know” you via Jonathan because I’ve had some coaching sessions with him (he’s a great coach!). I visit here occasionally, and I have always thought you were ultra cool, phenomenally beautiful, and effortlessly hip-looking. But I also realize it doesn’t matter what’s on the outside; the mind-tape set on auto-loop can be a mean ole scratchy tune filled with what we’ve told ourselves as well as what others have actually said (or what we thought we heard underneath their words).
Media and “the world” make it all worse, and yet we’re the ones who feed the system. I can’t help but buy the magazines now and then (gotta know what and who is cool) … and when I was 21, I was in one of the “Miss America Scholarship” preliminary pageants. (I was a very, well, ugly duckling through most of high school AND painfully shy, so this was a goal of mine, to show I was worthy.) It was one of the worst and best years of my life. My committee thoroughly dissected me and I just repeated yesterday one of the nasty things the lead woman told me — I hadn’t thought of it consciously in a while, but in a conversation with someone else all of these memories came pouring out. Good Lord, all that crap is still in my brain! Dear God, I still believe some of it!
I say all of that to make the point that often times when we’re not being directly/indirectly judged (and feel insufficient) by the media at-large, then we are our own villains, not only the perpetrators to ourselves but often to OTHERS. Not usually in all-out head-to-toe pageant critique style, but in a subversive, sometimes more harmful way (and tweens/teens seemingly employ technology for their ugly comments about people in their lives that hurt so deeply some people can’t bear to live with these judgments).
Yes, we must stop believing those wretched lies and false beliefs about ourselves (and others). They AREN’T true. Someone said, “A belief is simply a thought you keep having. Choose good ones.” Easy to say, tough to program — like you wrote, we DO need this stuff tattooed on the mind (and heart). I wrote not long ago that words are powerful symbols, and we do need to be much more cautious — and kind! — with what we say to ourselves and everyone else too.
Thanks for a great post. And you truly ARE beautiful, inside and out!
You should definitely look into the book The Beauty Myth by Naomi Wolf!
Ev’Yan. You are truly one of the most beautiful people I have ever met in my life, inside and out. I remember first seeing you in Vegas. I was beyond intimidated. You are gorgeous and you carry yourself with such grace. There I was, little Rachel from Jersey and you were THE EV’YAN. Silly? Of course. Because you were the most welcoming, friendly and genuinely nice person EVER. Oh, and you’re hilarious. :) I know it’s hard to believe these things about yourself and I know we all have our fat days or our ugly days or our days when we just don’t feel our best, but rest assured… even at your worst, you’re so much better than a lot of people’s best. You are such an amazing person. Stop being so damn hard on yourself. (Easier said than done, I know.)
LOVE YOU.
I wanna be a Buddha. What am i saying? I AM A BUDDHA.
Thank you too much for this text, it went through my heart and soul. Buddha is a legend for me and it makes me want to look at myself in a better way. I really hope it helped you a lot to get through things.
With love of a faithful reader.
I completely agree with Alicia’s comment: “you have somehow mastered how to live simply and look amazing while doing it.” IT’S SO FLIPPING TRUE.
Your words always have a way of completely hitting me in that certain part of my brain and making me realize a situation in a different light or just enlightening me on pretty much any topic. You are a fierce source of light.
Thanks for shraring this quote, it really is inspiring. Will definately take a look at the book.
Oh, Ev’Yan. This post really spoke to my soul. The entire first bit where you wrote about the insecurities you are feeling and all of that…to be honest, it’s just where my head is lately, too. I’ve been wanting to post about it all in great detail, but then I don’t want people to think I’m a selfish little ninny. Well, that, and I’m always afraid that if I post about things like that too much, that it will make all my insecurities REAL. If that makes any sense.
Argh.
Anyway, this post was exactly what I needed to read…thank you for sharing that amazing text. What’s interesting to me is how every single one of us seems to deal with these feelings at one point or another. Isn’t that crazy? It makes me wish that it were possible to just wash all this negativity away. Especially since we’re all needlessly putting these expectations on ourselves.
Of course, as easy as it is to say that I want to have a better outlook, part of me is scared that no matter how confident I sound, that I’ll always be that insecure, shy little girl. Kind of sad, really. I’m hoping that the steps I’m taking to gain a better self-image will pay off soon.
Love you, my dear! I can’t sing your praises enough. You are a gem.
It’s mysterious why the loveliest people sometimes feel so bad about themselves.
Wow, thank you for sharing this. It really is so true, time for me to take a second and think more about why I spend tons of money a month and feed into the consumerism because is it really making me feel better about myself? Probably not.
I know we haven’t conversed a lot but reading this was almost like reading my own mind (not the excerpt from the book of course) but the entire post is just what I needed to read.
As always your honesty, insight, strength and beauty (both inner and outer) shine through in your writing.
Also, if you a figure out a way to tattoo this into your brain, please let me know?
Thanks for posting! This reminds me of a quote I have on my blog…”Authentic living is effortless and liberating. I accept myself just as I am, just as I was created.” :)
Great blog BTW.
This is brilliant and so true. It’s hard to remind ourselves that we don’t need everything we think we need and to be content with who we are.
I Love this. You don’t realize how much I Love this. In fact this has inspired a post in my brain. Not today, because I have to flesh it out a bit more or it will not be as real as what I know this spoke to. Not that that makes Any sense.
It’s crazy how I got past all those Megagirl things, but now, it’s like Megawoman that is what I “should be/have” at 25 is just standing in my face. I sorta knew it, but I didn’t really Acknowledge what that was doing to me until I read this. So Thanks. Now I can go back to my own little blog and write about what I’m going through with my battle with this new Megawoman.
Ev’Yan, I just want to say I’ve been reading your blog for quite some time now and your posts always seem to speak directly to me. You have a talent for writing. And your posts- and reading others responses to your posts- let me know I’m not alone. Thank you for being you. xx
Thanks for reminding me things like that ARE wretched lies. I hate when I get all caught up in that ridiculousness, feeling sorry for myself that we don’t own our own home or I don’t have this or that or that I need to go to the gym but I’m so lazy and why must I be so lazy and I want to buy everything or blah blah blah. That book sounds amazing. You are amazing. You are enough. <3 xoxox
Thanks for posting this. I really need this at the beginning of the year.
I went through the comments that were left for you and never realized how other women can relate to this post/feeling of yours.
I have always felt alone for feeling this way and if I talk about it, it made me feel like I have a lot of issues. This weekend, my mom said maybe my boyfriend’s mom doesn’t like me. That made me really sad, not because of those words, but because she actually said it like she was thinking that. I know I’m a great girl and likeable. I’ve doubted myself for awhile now. I thought to myself, if my mom doesn’t believe that I am good enough for everyone, how can I be good enough for my boyfriend and his family.
I started molding myself for others, each day, little by little until the change became big and I have a hard time stepping back and finding that carefree girl that used to laugh and joke a lot.
Yesterday I had to chant everything that I believe in myself over and over, until and when I actually believe it.
Its difficult. I don’t know where/how/when this started, but I to not care anymore. I want to not compare myself to others. Sometimes I think if I wore a nice shirt that it would make me feel better/prettier/cooler but that is temporary. When I take that shirt off, its still me.
Thanks for listening and thanks for a wonderful post. :)
P.S. I love the picture of the clouds and the “me” saying by Lao Tzu that you had posted.