06|23|2009
sex.
I remember the very first time my mother & father told me about The Bird & The Bees.
I was about 10 years old, & my little sister & I were outside in our backyard building a snowman. I remember going up to my parent’s bedroom window, knocking on the glass, & showing them the immaculate snow creature I made. I had expected them to be filled with intrigue, & perhaps come outside so they could help name this snow creature. But instead, I was met with my father yelling at me to get away from the window, as he closed the blinds & told me to go back & play. Confused & hurt, I went back to playing in the snow. Several minutes later, my parents called me inside to give me… The Talk.
When I was inside, my father asked me, “What did you see when you were looking through the window? Did you see anything?” I had no idea what he was talking about. I never saw anything. Mostly, I was just hurt by my father’s reaction, & really confused as to why I was being talked to.
Thus, The Talk was given. While my sister was out frolicking in the snow, my parents sat me down in the living room, with books upon books, explaining the anatomy of a man & woman, where babies came from, & how sex was created by God for those who are married. During the conversation, I remember being really grossed out by men’s penises & pubic hair, & I remember having a hard time understanding what sex actually was. But mostly I remember being extremely preoccupied at the fact that my little sister was outside playing in the snow. I wanted to shout to my parents, “HELLO!!! The snow will be melting soon! & I need be out there playing!” But I sat there & listened intently, trying to soak it all in.
Remembering that story always makes me cringe. Not just because my parents should have just let me play in the damn snow, but because there was so much that they didn’t tell me. They didn’t tell me about orgasms, or masturbation, or what a healthy sexual relationship should look like, or how I should embrace MY sexuality because it is a gift from God. They barely scraped the surface. All I knew about sex was that it created babies, & having it before marriage was a sin. When I tried to find out more about sex from my mother, she would just blush & say quietly, “I just don’t feel comfortable having this conversation with my daughter.”
There is a big part of me that wishes that my parents had told me everything, without any sort of religious perspective, just to give me the wisdom I desperately needed & wanted. Perhaps if they had, my entire perspective on sex would be completely different today. Perhaps I wouldn’t be so baffled by it. Not to mention, I find it so very unfair that you’re all of a sudden supposed to just KNOW how to do things, & be okay with doing those things, after you’ve been told over & over that sex is bad, dirty, sinful, &, therefore, prohibited. (Unless, of course, you’re married, & then it’s all roses & chocolate covered strawberries.)
For instance: when I was little, I was taught that I had to wash in between my legs very, very well because it is dirty & smelly down there. I grew up feeling like my most precious parts were unclean & disgusting, & to touch them was inappropriate & gross. Yet, all of those messages are supposed to magically fall away when my husband would like to become intimate with me. I still find this so confusing.
My parents never taught me about the good kind of sex; the beautiful kind of love you make with your husband. The kind that isn’t sinful; the kind that is filled with love. I wish they would have; with every part of me I wish they would have. But I can’t entirely blame them; perhaps they didn’t know. Perhaps they were never taught the healthy way, either.
Unfortunately, though, the media has been that missing link for me; my most reliable, & unhealthy source of all information regarding sex, how it should be, & what it should look like.
I can’t glance at the cover of a women’s magazine without it boasting incessantly about the newest techniques to “make him go crazy in the sack!” Articles are consistently urging me to become a “Sex Goddess” in bed; if not for myself, then for my sex-starved husband. Companies will try just about anything to suggest sex to help their products sell. Billboards & advertisements are plastered everywhere with sexual innuendos & connotations blaring in my face. & every bloody song’s chorus seems to be “Do it to me, baby!” All of these things have done me more harm than good.
According to the media, those in healthy sexual relationships have sex several times a week; sometimes a few times per day. Since I’m not up to par with those stats — not even close — the media suggests that there could be something wrong with ME, & perhaps I need to seek medical attention. Rumor also has it that since I’m not giving it to my man “enough,” someone else will, if they aren’t already. & books specify that it’s not wise that I masturbate myself since I’m married. I should “save up” those sexual feelings & emotions for my husband when he comes home.
& then of course, there is pornography, which is an entirely different level of unhealthy expectations. The big boobs, the long hair, the mannerisms. It’s all so distorted. & while I shouldn’t be paying attention to such details — in porn, of all things — subliminally it makes me wonder if I should be that way.
All of this nonsense fills my head with such unrealistic ideas of what sex is & should be. & I feel that if I’m not doing those things, I am less of a woman, & ultimately, a horrible wife. I beat myself up so badly for not being that “Sex Kitten” & I blame myself for everything. Sometimes I think it really is all my fault. My husband doesn’t have any sexual hang-ups; he’s perfectly content & confident with his sexuality. I am the one with the problem.
Sometimes I think that if my parents — not my high school friends, or The Bible, or the internet, or my ex-boyfriend… but my parents — would have given me the information I so needed to know about sex, the intimate relationship I have with my husband today would be quite different. Maybe I would feel confident to make love to him. Maybe I would feel like sex is beautiful & sacred & wonderful. Maybe I would feel like I deserve to have sex & it’s okay to suffice those needs. Maybe I would want my husband to touch me & pleasure me, & I wouldn’t feel as though I were still sinning. My entire perspective would be changed, & I would be normal.
Sex is the hardest thing I’m trying to comprehend at this moment. I wish it were easier for me, for the sake of my marriage & my precious husband, who has been so very patient. Sex just doesn’t come naturally for me. For Jonathan & I, it is the source of many arguments & frustrations. There are tears, angry words, & broken promises. It’s such a heavy burden to carry, & because of all the drama surrounding it, I’m not sure I want it anymore. & then, of course, I think of how silly that sounds (to not want to have sex), & then it’s back to drawing board. It’s an ongoing cycle of aggravation, resentment, confusion, guilt, & hope.
I don’t know what it’s like to make love & to enjoy sex — truly enjoy it for what it is, with my husband, my very best friend. I don’t know what it’s like to feel sexy. I don’t know how to just let go, & view sex in a positive way. (With all of my might, I wish I did.) When I engage in intimate moments with my husband, I feel like a little girl all over again, & my thoughts keep repeating “This is wrong. This is sinful. This is disgusting. You shouldn’t enjoy this.”
I don’t know how to make those thoughts stop. But I’m trying my damnedest.
I’ve read sexually conscious books & erotica (Lonnie Barbach’s “For Yourself“; Shannon Ethridge’s “The Sexually Confident Wife“; Barbara Keesling’s “The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex“; Barbara Carrellas’ “Urban Tantra“; Nancy Friday’s “My Secret Garden“). I’ve done counseling — both with my husband & without. I’ve enriched my life with positive sexually explicit movies (Emmanuelle; Lust, Caution; Dangerous Beauty; Lie With Me; En La Cama; Vicky/Christina Barcelona; High Art).
All of things have been very enlightening, but it’s never enough. Obviously, or else I would not still have these issues.
Perhaps it’s my age; we all know that a woman’s sexuality doesn’t peak until she is in her 30s. Perhaps I’m what they call an asexual. Perhaps this is just a phase I’m going through. Or… perhaps there IS something wrong with me.
Regardless, I don’t think sex is supposed to be this complicated. & if it is, I want no part of it.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 10:54 am:
This is a beautiful, beautiful post, dear, and something I think many of us go through. I’m at work right now, but there’s so much I do want to say to you about the subject…
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 am:
Thank you very, very, very, very, very much for this post.
Minus the religious aspect, this post could have been about me. I adore you. Your insights, your opinions – they’re all creepily aligned with mine. That aside, this was an amazing post.
xo.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 10:57 am:
Hey Love,
Wow. What an honest and open entry! First question: 1) What was outside the window besides your snow creation?
I think you bring up such a good point. The Birds and The Bees convo is so black and white, awkward, and they don’t discuss the beauty of sex. Maybe if the initial conversation were more “scientific” and then having a second conversation later in life that discusses the emotional and mental part of it.
You sound like you’ve looked into a lot but sometimes certain pills could hinder the mojo as well. Just a thought!
You’re right thought, it shouldn’t be that complicated but sometimes it is – humans tend to do that…you don’t see any other animals struggling with it.
Great post – definitely got my hamster running! XO
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:05 am:
This post brought tears to my eyes. Thank you so, so much for sharing… I can relate to alot of the things you mentioned.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:06 am:
Wow. You are so brave and articulate… and touched on SOOOO many important points. I could honestly write an entire post in my comment!!
Suffice to say, I understand what you mean. I like having sex, but I won’t let my boyfriend go down on me because maybe some part of me still thinks there’s nothing bad about “down there”. Why is it OK for me to touch him, but if he wants to do it back to me…? Craziness.
I wish that the media didn’t treat sex as a commodity or a joke… or something that we should all take for granted. There’s a lot more that goes into “doing it” than most pop culture would lead us to believe…
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:17 am:
Thank you so much for the kind words, but most importantly, thank you for your honesty in conveying that you struggle with this too. I have been so fearful about publishing this post, because I KNOW it’s so terribly personal.
I want to make a point that I honestly didn’t want this post to be so melancholic. Originally, I wanted to touch on the taboo aspects of sex & how it has effected me, but it somehow turned into this very personal sort-of cry out for help.
I would also like to say that the books I mentioned are excellent. If any of you are having trouble in the least, consider reading these books. While my problem isn’t “fixed” per se, reading the books (as well as watching those movies) truly helped broaden my horizons & open my eyes a bit.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:24 am:
I don’t think that there is anything wrong with you. I do feel sorrow for you that you weren’t introduced to sex in a more open, shame-free way. I agree with you wholeheartedly that our society puts sex on a pedestal of unreachable expectations. Who in the hell are the women they’re writing to? One should never feel shame for being their own brand of normal AND different. Within my circle of close female friends, not one of us would be considered ‘normal’ in our sexual appetites or actions.
During my last relationship, my boyfriend had what a lot of people would consider a ‘normal’ sex drive but what I considered too much. Not only am I pretty ‘meh’ about sex in general, but for the past few years I’ve been unable to have sex because I have a condition (my doctor thinks it’s endometriosis but we haven’t been able to do surgery yet) that makes sex extremely painful. Obviously this condition did very little to ‘improve’ my sex drive. My boyfriend’s body, of course, wasn’t hindered by this pain and so we had many, many arguments and stressed days. I was so SICK of feeling pressured to PROVIDE something everyone else thought was normal, something that was very abnormal for me.
In a nutshell, I’ve never cared much for sex myself and have always preferred masturbation (which was a private act strictly for and by myself for most of the years I’ve practiced it). I have now allowed my husband what I consider the privilege of participating in some of my masturbation ’sessions’. I trust him wholeheartedly and thus I felt I could give up this private piece of myself. He has never pressured me into sex or anything of the sort. I love him for it and he is very understanding of my limitations. Granted, his sex drive is even lower than mine. Perhaps I wouldn’t be as ‘lucky’ if he had what society considers a ‘normal’ sex drive. I just thank my lucky stars that sexually we are pretty damn compatible.
I fear that I’m rambling on but what I’m trying to say is that I feel your pain. It’s rough being a sex-fearing, sexless and/or sex-apathetic person in our sex-saturated society. It’s hard to admit to being bewildered by sex.
But so many of us are.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:42 am:
I’m hesitant to respond with my name, because we sort of run in the same “blog circle,” so to speak.
But, you’re brave so I’m going to be, too!
I am with you in a lot of ways. Though, I definitely don’t blame my parents for anything – honestly having them go into great deal would have freaked me out a bit. :)
(They showed me a video of the biology of sex and said, “don’t do it till you’re married.”)
I got that message a LOT of places, actually. And I AM glad that I didn’t just sleep around a ton as a teenager – I’m pretty sure that would have done more damage to my emotional state than all of this. :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:51 am:
A-freaking-mazing!!! I love this post i felt like i was reading a good book!!! Ok S-E-X….i dont think something is wrong with you i think it’s more of being comfortable with your sexuailty. I was never ever and still to this day every told about sex with my parents. Like you I was told it was bad and that was it. All things that i learned were from friends & school. I think being comfortable in sex takes a whole lot of being comfortable. I love absolutely love to have sex sometimes i think i may be part NYMPHO (smh) but it took me getting to know my body and me to be able to be that way….at one point no one could touch me , rub me, or anything…everytime they would i would cringe & cry I thought something was wrong with me…but in time things changed. Just pray about it Ev’ I think things will turn around it just takes time…i think it’s more of a mental thing….BEAUTIFUL POST!!
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:55 am:
You are awesome. Just awesome.
I’m grateful that my mother has always been very open in regards to talking about sex. I think mainly because she had me so young she felt it was best to explain everything so that I’d make the right choices. My grandmother was the complete opposite scaring me into believing that sex would lead to hell. I would actually have nightmares thinking that if I engaged in any sexual activity or gave in to natural feelings, I’d be punished forever. Thank goodness for my mom stepping in explaining to me the importance of discovering your sexuality and owning it.
I think most parents just don’t know what to say & having two younger sisters I can understand that. Especially in these times when sex education does not start in the home. Even as adults, we begin to question ourselves, trying to decide what’s right for us. Its a process. The best you can do is be true to yourself, take the time to explore your needs and wants, and trust that sex is a natural, beautiful interaction between two people.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 11:58 am:
I have to admit that i just read this after dozing off at work all morning, and as much as i feel as though i can write a novel to you in a comment at this point, all i can seem to do at this moment is say thank you.
i don’t blame our parents for trying to raise us with good morals, but it has created so many obstacles in our lives.
as much as it became such a supposed “disaster” when our family learned of you losing your virginity, i feel like i would have (and most certainly did) made the same decision at some point in my life, but you took all of the suffering for it, while as it later just paved the way for me to fly by under the radar.
i never did understood why you had to go inside that day when we were kids. i thought you were in trouble. i continued to play and talk to myself and sing “i love love rain”, wondering where my big sister had gone.
i’m sorry that you unintentionally paving the way caused insecurity and difficulty with enjoying our “newfound” sexuality. i hardly became okay seeing myself in the mirror after showering! but john broke helped me break through a lot of my barriers. i’m so happy that you have jonathan who is patient and understanding, because god knows both you and i need it.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:04 pm:
I like this post!
I think there is a lot of pressure on parents to teach their children about sex, and they definitely don’t teach anything in school about healthy relationships, being a good wife, or how to enjoy sex. I find it frustrating that parents and sex-ed/health classes gloss over anything positive and stick to the “this will give you aids, make you pregnant, and give you std’s” kind of thing. I mostly learned everything from my friends and magazines and movies. I think that if my parents were more open about talking about things with me then I wouldn’t be as screwed up. I think it is terrible that little girls have access to Cosmo and other magazines that give an unrealistic view of sex and it can be really confusing with all the expectations. I remember there were stories about incest, rape, and molestation in my Seventeen magazine! And while those might be helpful for someone who might be struggling with one of those issues I began to think that that was sort of like what sex was like, you know? That there was only room for negative feelings and domination of men over women. Certainly watching R rated movies at a young age was disturbing and confusing too. Irreversible has a terrible rape scene that still scares me. All in all I think there is too much negative media available to young kids and it is messing them up. Thanks for this post, it got me thinking.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:06 pm:
Wow, that was pretty emotional, and I imagine hard for you to write. Stay strong. Jonathan rocks for being so understanding. :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:18 pm:
I have to admit I feel pretty lucky in regards to my sexual situation and mentality about it. Growing up I didn’t learn anything about sex from my parents (that I can remember anyways) and went to a Catholic school for 9 years. You would think that I would be totally, royally messed up but in many ways I think this was for the best because I was able to search it all out on my own.
I got almost all of my info from books and didn’t even have a boyfriend until I was in my Senior year of high school so I didn’t have sex officially until I was 18 and in college. Even then I didn’t sleep around a lot.
I have a few body issues (weight-related) and when I was much younger I probably “used” sex to get a guy to like me and even faked it way too much. I think these are pretty typical for most younger women.
Something that was great was that at one point I decided that I wasn’t going to fake it any more. I met this guy and when we were going to have sex for the first time I was pretty up front about what worked for me and what didn’t. So he knew right off the bat what to expect. We’ve now been married for 12 years and I can honestly say I’ve never faked it once. We are also lucky that we are pretty compatible in our stamina, sex drives, likes and sexual interests so that has worked out well too. It also helps that I’m honest with what I’m feeling. Some nights I’m just too tired, or it’s too late or just not up for it. And we make a point to talk about it out side of the bedroom to keep the communication open and going.
I feel your pain and frustration. I’m glad you have a good partner to be there with you and understand. It can be very hard when you don’t have that trust. Take your time and do what feels right for you.
I’m sure everyone here is in agreement that if you ever wanted to talk more we’d be here for you – to vent, to advise, to comiserate.
Poochie
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:19 pm:
I love reading this post. Very honest and I completely can relate to it.
To be honest, I’ve NEVER had the birds and the bees talk with my parents. NEVER. I was taught by my “yaya” (nanny) that even kissing is bad, it can make you pregnant.
I had my first kiss, the real one, not just a peek on the cheeks, when I was already in college.
I grew up in the Philippines where most, if not all, parents are very conservative and SEX isn’t really well discussed. We have no sex ed. Sure, we learn about the reproductive system but that’s about it. At least, in my experience.
Up to this day, I still don’t watch porn.
however, I’ve been blessed to have friends who are as curious as I am and we talk openly, researched and that’s how I got more info about sex.
Heck, my father freaked out when I went back home, when he saw I was taking birth control. Lol.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:40 pm:
You’re brilliant, Ev, this is a jaw dropping post – thank you so much for putting it out there!!
My mother was a big hippie when I was little, she was organic everything and positive parenting. I was knee deep in books likeWhat’s Happening To My Body? A Book for Parents and Daughters, and she made Reviving Ophelia (Amazing video you would enjoy here) her bible. When I bought fashion magazines she would let me enjoy them, but before I read them she would go through them with me and count the ads – and then ask me “Now what do you think this is really about?” And my 10 and 12 year old self would have to come up with the fact that they were trying to make me want things that were really, really hard to get so I would buy things along the way.
And you know what? I still didn’t get out of my teenage years in tact. I had a full fledged eating disorder and friends who were getting date raped left right and centre. Sexuality as a young woman can be really scary, but I’m really happy that I had the resources from my mom to pull myself out of the tailspin I got into, and that I pulled my sense of self & sexuality out in tact. I can’t imagine how I would have coped if I felt like there was something dirty about me.
There are all kinds of positive sexuality resources out there that you’re looking into, but know that feeling “sexy” doesn’t have to feel any different than being comfortable and happy. I dislike it when sexy is used to describe women who are being looked at by men, or being scoped out, because that’s about being an object- which is pretty much totally creepy!!
Sexy is whatever you want it to be. Sexy is saying 10 things about you that you love in the mirror every day until you really believe them. It’s working on your self esteem and working to throw off childhood stories you were told that don’t help you. Trust is sexy, and figuring things out with your partner is sexy.
You, lady? Are sexy. I promise = )
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 12:53 pm:
Wow! that was such a brave, strong, open post. Thank you very much for writing that.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:14 pm:
I’m really proud of you for posting this. I know it can’t have been easy, but you’ve articulated yourself very well and it’s a really fair portrayal. Thank you for being so brave and thoughtful, because this post has clearly gotten the rest of us thinking as well.
My parents never talked to me about The Birds and The Bees, as it were. That’s probably why I can be so shy about sex from time to time now. Honestly, I do have a fairly healthy sexual appetite, at least I think so. Maybe not according to CERTAIN publications, but I think we do okay. That said, though, I really do get sort of coy and self-conscious about sex from time to time. Because it seems so taboo still because I never talked about it. Even though I know, rationally, it’s not. And I’m fairly comfortable discussing it others (some people more than others.) But I do have these second thoughts when it comes to sex – is this okay? Am I doing that right? Should I do this more? I blame the media. I do.
All the media has taught us is just what you wrote about – unrealistic expectations. I have no other influences outside of pop culture media and my own personal experiences. All my parents taught me of sex was my mother putting me on the pill when I had a steady high school boyfriend. And, really? “Am I doing that right?” THAT’S NOT A VALID QUESTION. It’s SEX, for crying out loud! Between two consenting adults, is there even a WRONG way!?
Everyone is different. Every relationship is different. Every experience is different. What it should boil down to is – Does it feel good? Does it feel right? Does it feel comfortable? Does it make you feel confident, sexy, womanly?
See, I know this stuff. But I have a hard time convincing myself.
I’d love to talk more with you about this after I let it marinate a bit. Good thing we’ll be seeing each other soon. :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:15 pm:
Holy cow – that was like a novel! Sorry!! (Sheepish)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:18 pm:
I think this (raw) post speaks to a lot of little girls locked inside our now womanly bodies. We all have distorted views of sexuality in some way or another. I don’t think anyone can say their sex-life is 100% healthy. I know I can’t.
My parents were very open with me about the physicality of sex, but like yours, not the pleasure. I was told multiple times that sex was meant only for your husband, only to find out later after I had gotten “caught” with my ex, that my parents were getting it on well before they were married. We are all “educated” in sex with an underlying hypocrisy.
My husband was “with” a LOT of women, when I asked for the actual number I automatically wished I hadn’t. Because of some things that had happened to me in the past sexually, this was a really hard pill to swallow. I was constantly wondering, “Am I better than them? Am I prettier? Do I keep him entertained in bed?” In the end though, he chose to stay with me over everyone else and it took me 2 years + some therapy to realize that he really does love me. And yes, the sex is still great. :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm:
I’m not sure how much of a comfort this is, but here we go:
I had that perfect sex conversation – or conversations, rather – with my mother. My brother likes to say that none of us ever had a “sex talk” because sex and sexuality were discussed openly since we were little. When we wanted to know something, we were told, honestly and positively, and any references to genitals (ours or in general) were made with a celebratory yet informative attitude. (A side note: we were also respected insofar as our questions were answered privately and we were never made to feel embarassed, no matter how silly the situation seemed.)
Still – STILL – I ended up in sexually abusive relationships. STILL, I learned that sex was for men, and that my pleasure didn’t matter. STILL, underneath all of that sexual knowledge and celebration of cunthood, I was unhappy about my body and about sex.
Sometimes, the best parents aren’t enough to combat our social upbringing and the media. Though my mother and father were both supportive and loving, they couldn’t keep me from the negative influences that shaped my sexual being for years. It took therapy and lots of self-inflection to get past a lot of my issues…and I’m still not there yet.
So, even though my parents did the job right, I still came out “wrong”…but since most of us have seemed to, at least we’re not the only ones, right?
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:23 pm:
All I can say is thank you for posting this, and thank you for being so transparent.
I had this long comment typed out, and while typing it, i realized how hard it is for me to express my insecurities and frustrations with sex, but seeing everyone else’s response and reading your entry also helped me to realize that I’m not the only one dealing with these issues. Hopefully I can work through this… I can already see it affecting my relationships so I will give those books a try. thanks you again for this post.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:30 pm:
duh, i get the window now. wow…i was slow on that one.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:31 pm:
Love how you explained it all and with your post – not a lot of women realize that no one is perfect and have the perfect sex life. Everyone has their own problems.
I feel the same exact way with thinking it’s wrong or sinful sometimes – mainly because we were high school sweethearts and when we started doing it we were way too young and should have not been doing it so because of that I think we’re still not past that stage where it is okay to do it because we’re in love and married!
Back in elementary school one day my friends and I were interested in knowing about what sex meant and we assumed it meant just sleeping together in the same bed. :P I wanted to know more but didn’t want to bluntly ask because that’s embarassing. I decided to take out my sign language book at home and start practicing signs under the “S” section and asked my dad what words meant if I didn’t know it…then I came across sex. He told me to wait until Mom came home since she was almost home from work. HAHA!
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 1:38 pm:
I really loved this post and it hit a chord with me too. Less-so on the topic of parents not being open enough and more-so on the fact that society puts sex on a pedestal.
Sometimes I feel like a freak because not only do I not have but I don’t want to have sex with my boyfriend every. single. day. I enjoy sex, I feel comfortable in my skin, but it’s not something that I think about constantly or even enjoy enough to want all the time! Another thing is, I’ve never had the Big O (something I want to discuss on my blog but have been hesitant to because my parents read it). Friends who I’ve told this secret too don’t seem to understand how I could possibly have sex and enjoy sex but not orgasm. I love my boyfriend very deeply, and that is where my enjoyment comes from…
I just hate that my friends and the media have painted certain pictures in our minds about how sex should be. I think sex is DIFFERENT for everyone and ALL people enjoy it in different ways!
You are so brave for posting this and I think that ultimately, talking about it will help you!! XO
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 2:01 pm:
I think the main problem, from whatever perspective, is that people are taught that sex is bad rather than saying sex is “bad” when it’s with someone other than your life partner. We should remember that throughout human history, sex was meant to be between a wife and husband. By denying sex to any other couple or form, it helped societies of the day by preventing unwanted pregnancies, which was considered an economic and social catastrophe(if you were single with a child, esp. women). Coupled with the want of morality that came through the lenses of religion, it was natural then to “scare” young people from having sex.
I understand what you are saying, I am Muslim and religious myself and sometimes I feel awkward about my own sexuality. However, I understand that, and i’m only speaking for myself here, that my religion doesn’t teach that sex is bad. On the contrary, sex is a vital part of a couples relationship, and going further, sex is meant to be expressed fully by both genders. But sex is also for married couples. So what happens is what happens everywhere, regardless of religious affiliation: parents so desperately want their children to not have sex until they are married so they scare the kids off from wanting to do it by unfortunately describing it as bad. So kids grow up with this skewered version of sex, when in the example of Islam, sex isn’t supposed to be bad or shameful. It’s just bad if it’s before marriage.
Does that make sense? lol I hope so, but I just want you to know that whatever your religious background, you have to believe, truly, that you are married, have a husband, therefore it is your RIGHT as a human being to enjoy that right, just as your husband can and does. I would suggest being patient and perhaps having your husband help you with feeling comfortable during sex (not like he doesn’t already i’m sure) so that it can make you feel better.
Hope this helps clear some confusion, and I hope everything works out for the best between you and your lover :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 3:15 pm:
I know how u feel and it’s great that you have a good husband.
I’m feeling the same way especially the guilt.
I feel guilty and sinful when I have sex because I’m not married to my partner and guilty when I don’t have sex for months because I would love to be able to make love to my bf without any inhibition and thoughts of sin, going to hell and maybe I’m just too frigid.
I’ve never been relaxed when I’ve had sex with him and I long to be able to relax and experience what so many people talk about. I’m filled so many conflicting thoughts. Maybe when we do get married, it’ll all be fine.
But at times, I wonder if I’ve passed my peak…
The thing is there’s no one other than my bf that I can talk to about this and it’ll be nice to be able to talk to some other woman about these kinds of things like the many moods and environmental changes of the vagina… So many questions… is this normal – is it not? It’ll be nice to be able to get some answers.
I have three sisters.. one who’s 30 and the other is 21, myself 26 – but the talk of sex is a no no. My older sister is a virgin and committed christian. I’m like the “heathen” in my family.
Long story short… I understand and I’m going through the same thing. trying to find the beauty or understand it when it comes to sexual loving from a female perspective.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 3:18 pm:
Some of us were left with a video about the birds and the bees, and the sex-ed you get in highschool health class.
Thank you for writing this – it couldn’t have been easy.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 3:20 pm:
I’m so glad that you wrote this post, and I think many grow up feeling this way and dealing with these emotions.
It’s good to know that you’re not alone.
Beautiful post.
Lizabeth xoxo
http://euphoriaswarmsin.blogspot.com
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 3:54 pm:
Thank you for sharing this post. I can see a bit of myself in it, actually alot of myself. Even though I have never had sex or had the sex talk with my parents (im only 17 btw) I can say I feel exactly the same way. EXACTLY. I feel like there has to be something wrong with me because I think that being sexy is being trasy or not respecting yourself. But its so not that way. Its OWNING yourself and being comfortable with who you are.
So thanks for this post. Thanks for allowing me to see that I am not alone in thinking this. You are so brave and awesome to express this subject among people you don’t even know, but some, like me, who know what you mean. I always love reading you posts. I hope you somehow find the feelings your looking for.
One more thing, I would give anything to have a man like Johnathan. You are one lucky girl!!
touching post.
xoxoxox evian
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 4:04 pm:
Wow, what a wonderful post. Thank you for putting into words something that so many women feel but are too embarrassed to discuss.
I agree with you whole-heartedly… although it might sometimes be awkward, it would be nice if more parents felt comfortable discussing sex with their children. Not the anatomy of it, but what it means, what it should and shouldn’t be. I hope that when I have kids I’m brave enough to be their source of information.
I understand your struggle. I think we all have to discover what sexuality means to us in our own ways, and asking all of those questions is a great start.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 4:44 pm:
Thanks for writing this (personal) post, Ev’Yan.
My mom had a sex talk with me, but it was more embarrassing. I learned from friends, mostly … Which isn’t always the best source. Most of my friends were sexually active in high school though, while I wasn’t. (Husband and I both waited until marriage. Not for religious reasons, but just because we felt it was right.)
I’m not an extremely sexual person. We don’t do it every single day either. (Since we lived with his parents the first year of our marriage, it was difficult for us to do it at all.)
It is a very personal subject, but I feel like parents make it too personal and too scary. We should feel comfortable talking openly about it. It’s such a relief to read that there are many women in a similar situation. (Maybe it isn’t so abnormal?)
I feel like it’s such a wonderful growing possibility in marriage, though. With time, things will improve (any way you’d like for them to).
And I bet your husband thinks you’re sexy in just jeans and a t-shirt. :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 5:45 pm:
Ev, I love how candid you are…
I had a LOT of hangups about sex, mostly stemming from having religion define what sex was supposed to be from an early age. I thought it was fine during, but was inundated with feelings of deep remorse and guilt afterward.
I don’t know what changed, but after enough talking (and really, losing my religion), I was able to let all of that go. I don’t know what it may take for you, but your feelings can change.
Be encouraged, Ev…to not have to live up to the sexual standards of Cosmo and that trash on the stands or porn. Just focus on being comfortable with yourself and everything will fall into place.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 5:48 pm:
Hey honey.
This was me, 2-3 years ago. I was with my ex for 2.5 years and sex didn’t come easy for me. We slept together once a week, but I felt obligated, you know? At the beginning, it was more frequent, I wanted to know what was so great about it. I felt like the more I did it, the more I’d enjoy it. Well… my ex & me never had that kind of chemistry. He was too big, it hurt & I wasn’t attracted to him. He was my best friend but things didn’t click. I thought there was something off with me; in a sense, the issue was 1-non attraction BUT mainly, I was on the pill! the pill was killing my libido. It’s a very common issue. If you’re taking any hormones, get off them & get friendly with condoms again, or use a copper IUD (it doesn’t emanate hormones). When I got off the pill & changed partners, I wanted it ALL the time!!! My new partner couldn’t keep up, lol. So… That’s my experience. Don’t feel weird, Ive had this convo with many girls & they were all there at some point of their lives. There’s a way out, you just have to figure out what’s the issue; hormones, your bf (maybe he’s too big/small, or too rough or not rough enough? maybe you need more fore play) Thx you for sharing this, it really takes courage to open up like you did.
Good luck, hun, Keep us posted. If you ever need to talk, blackvelveteen@live.ca.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 5:53 pm:
My parents didn’t really have the talk with me. My mother gave me books, and told me if I had questions about them, that I could always come to ask her. She gave me very age-appropriate books, so that I could learn about puberty and sex and all that in terms that I could understand. I think my mom did a very good job with letting me be prepared. I knew I could ask her questions if I had them, but one book in particular (called Deal With It) gave the most detailed, most honest, most objective information I could ever read. I’ll be saving that book for my daughter.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 5:56 pm:
Thank you for writing this.
Sex is such a funny thing. Even though it is the most natural thing, the topic of sex is still so taboo. Thank you so much for addressing the way media distorts our expectations of sex and sexuality.
My boyfriend has a very low sex-drive. If I am to believe the media that could mean only two things: he is not attracted to me or he is getting it elsewhere. It has been a source of constant friction in our relationship. Even though I know he finds me attractive and he is definitely not cheating on me, I wonder if it is somehow my fault that he doesn’t want to have sex as often as I do. It would seem that we as women always measure our sex life against some intangible ideal that has been set forth by something or someone. The numbers of times a week or a day you have sex, what positions you prefer and masturbation are all deeply personal. Do not feel that you are somehow less of a woman because you have not yet discovered what you like. After all, who said that after you turn sixteen you must automatically enjoy sex? Because of your religious background it may take you longer to come to terms with your sexuality. There is no rules for becoming fully aware of your sexuality, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 6:07 pm:
I waited until I was married and it definitely was not roses & chocolate covered strawberries.
Feelings of insecurity, guilt and apathy still follow me in this area. As well as really not wanting children has always put a damper on my sex life. My husband and I are compatible in every other way and I can only be thankful that he is so patient with me.
I can relate to the religious factor and there is no magical switch once you do get hitched.
Thank you for being so brave and helping us to know that not everyone goes at it like bunnies.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 6:50 pm:
Your post really touched me. Growing up, we were very religious (in a cult actually) and sex was nasty, dirty, filthy, only one allowed position, and never, ever before marriage or else you’ll be destroyed when God says its time.
I think this kind of attitude really made me a little too rebellious (not intentionally though). Though I discovered sex at an early age and couldn’t stay away from it, I didnt really, REALLY enjoy it until recently. What they say about 30 is true.
Knowing myself (something that comes with age and experience), self-acceptance, getting out of the religious cult mindset, not feeling guilt, shame, fear helps.
Though our upbringing was different and I viewed sex differently, I totally understand what you’re going though at the same time.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 7:21 pm:
THANK YOU so much for this post. You are so brave, I don’t think I could write a post like this and publish it. And obviously it’s something that has resonated with several other people, too. In appreciation of your honesty, I’ll be as honest as possible too…
Our culture is really dumb when it comes to sex and that leaves all kinds of people (and, from what I’ve seen, mostly women) with all sorts of hang-ups. I was never a “wait until marriage” sort of person, largely b/c I’m of the non-Christian persuasion and have been since about 13, of my own accord. My parents never really sat me down and had a long “talk” – but if I asked a question I got an answer. I’ve known since the age of 15-16 that my parents lived together before getting married, so no delusions there!!
Our sex life has been so off and on, it can be REALLY frustrating at times…it was great when we first got together, but for the last year off and on I’ve been having issues (mostly, pain/burning during sex) that no doctor seems to be able to figure out; we’re both clean and we simply don’t have the cash to throw at doctor after doctor when two or three have just kind of shrugged or put me on meds that didn’t help. It will go away for two weeks and then come back, after I thought I had finally seen the end of it. I’m switching birth control pills and really, really hoping that will help. It’s SO frustrating – I used to really love sex but when you don’t know if it’s going to hurt or not until you get to the point of penetration it just becomes something I dread almost – I hate to get both of us that worked up only for it to be a failure. And then I feel like a bad wife who isn’t giving him what he needs, which makes me feel like a bad feminist for feeling that way, or I’ll get snappy if he tries to initiate anything because it makes me feel pressured and reminds me of what a failure I feel like. It is a big tangled mess of nasty and has resulted in many late night fights and cry-fests, so I can definitely feel where you’re coming from. We’re all inundated with so much crap from both sides – if you’re not pleasing your man, you’ll deserve it when he cheats on you, sex is bad and dirty and you shouldn’t enjoy it, etc. It goes ON and ON and is such an icky spiral.
And, I might suggest a book for you – The Purity Myth by Jessica…umm I forget her last name. But she’s a writer for Feministing and is really good, and I’ve heard good things about it. A lot of what you were talking about made me think of it. I don’t know if it would help any, but it might be worth checking out?
(just checked, it’s Jessica Valenti and it seems to have mostly good reviews, aside from one or two self righteous pricks)
Thank you again dear!! <3
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 7:32 pm:
My parents have NEVER given me The Talk. And like you, I have very conflicting views on sex. One side of me feels like it’s healthy and normal to have sex before marriage – most people I know do. The other side of me feels like sex is bad and not meant to be enjoyable, only meant for reproduction. The two views are totally in contrast and thus, I am stuck in an awkward limbo between the two.
I have yet to figure out which side I truly believe, so for now, sex is on the back-burner, something I won’t deal with until I have to.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 7:36 pm:
I am 33 yrs old and have problems with sex. It’s not always a source of pleasure for me. The other side of that is that when I am with a man I care about If I do not have an orgasm I’m made to feel as though I did something wrong. Sex for me has come to represent a way to gain closeness to the man in my life. The most sexual women I know do not have an orgasm every time. Sex for women I think is more cerebral.
Sex has for too long been focused on men. Think about the movies you listed alot of them (if not all) were written and directed by men. Our idea of how we should be sexually comes from men. That’s crazy.
I have a lot of issues with my mother while also being very attached to her. I have learned that I can not talk to her about the things that bother me about growing up because she has her own problems and regrets about the same things and you can not make someone confront what they are not ready to face. I get along so much better with her now that I have talked about those things extensively in therapy.
One final thought. Anti depressants inhibit the libido. Wellbutrin is an antidepressant that has been shown to increase the sex drive in women who are not depressed. I took it with my last medication to counteract that side affect. I just started a new medication and it’s too soon to say how the two will work together. So far no good.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 7:50 pm:
oh ev’yan, thank you for being so honest and brave with this post. i can so relate to this. after reading your sister’s comment, i think perhaps you went through a very similar situation as me in our teen years regarding sex/sexuality. i find it difficult to all of a sudden think its acceptable now that im older (and still with the same boyfriend) but when i was a teenager it was oh so wrong. its frustrating and confusing thrown in with a touch of resentment and regret. im yet to comprehend sex as something completely beautiful and wonderful, but dont find it difficult to see how it can cause problems. thank goodness for the patient men in the world :)
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 7:59 pm:
you are incredibly brave for posting this!
i feel you on the religious struggle with it. i went to catholic school for 8 years- everything having to do with sex is so incredibly looked down upon, you feel like using the pisser is a sin. just the fact that your husband is so patient should be motivation enough to let go-at your own pace. don’t force yourself to do anything or try anything drastic/ raunchy / porn-like because that will probably make you feel less like you and more like those girls we all feel sorry for in the porno (really though, aren’t they so sad-their lives couldn’t amount to anything more than an object of nasty sexual desire/fantasy?)
anywho, i remember reading The Color Purple in highschool and being absolutely intrigued when shug tells celie to look at her vagina. i ended up jumping in the shower with a mirror that very minute! that was the moment where religion jumped out the window and my womanly freedom burst. sometimes, you just gotta do it yourself and smother thoughts that hinder you, ya know?
good luck with everything you gorgeous, gorgeous woman… just take it day by day, there’s no rushin’ sex.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 8:17 pm:
This is an truly wonderful post. I hope I have the brain power left today to write a decent comment.
My mom was always very open and honest with me about sex. I guess I was pretty lucky in that respect. Still, I really struggle with my sexuality. I can honestly say, that in the year we’ve been trying to get pregnant, we’ve had more sex than the previous years of our marriage combined. It just so rarely occurs to me to be sexual. I feel like I’m no good at it. It’s a constant struggle for me, and I’m lucky to have a husband who is so understanding.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 9:17 pm:
I admire you so very much for putting this part of yourself out there. I never even had “the talk” with my parents…I think that would have helped me a little but I think most of my problems are self-esteem related.
on Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 at 10:25 pm:
thank you for sharing Ev’Yan.. i’m glad that you wrote this because I think that means you are on your way to acceptance. I mean, you are THINKING about it! and that’s definitely action.
i guess it is hard for me to relate, but i emphasize. in my own situation, the most ‘educating’ i got from my parents was when i was in middle school, my mom read me one of those puberty books and that was it! the rest i got from the internet.. seriously. i learned how to masturbate and all that looking it up when i was 16.
there is nothing wrong with you. you just have different experiences. sex is a very loving and sacred thing to me. its not something i can just waste on anyone. but the union can bring about a really amazing connection with the right person.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 12:47 am:
I agree with everyone who has commented on your bravery. Talking about sex in any sense is not that easy, especially when it’s *supposed* to be so easy.
Since the birth of my daughter almost 5 months ago, I haven’t been able to muster a single mote of enthusiasm for sex and feel as though I wouldn’t care if I never had it again. Which is sad, as I used to really, really like it. And yet, I can’t find enough literature about this phenomenon! Ah well.
Again, thank you (and good on you!) for bringing up something that still seems to be taboo..
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 12:51 am:
Speaking as an older woman, a mom and someone who also grew up with strict Christian ethics, I DO understand where you are coming from and appreciate that you’re able to express your thoughts so eloquently. Not everyone will understand or agree with the values you were raised with. After all, it’s hard to portray everything in a blog post.
I have a few thoughts I wanted to share though. As parents we often try to approach subjects in ways that are age appropiate. I introduced each of my kids to the subject of conception at approximately 8 years old. At the time, we discussed mainly how babies were conceived, only covering the details they would understand. The topic of sexuality didn’t come into play until much later as they entered their teens. Yes, we encouraged abstinence and challenged the kids to stay pure until marriage, even presenting each of them with purity rings. We also challenged them to read up on the subject and ask questions if they had any. Beyond that, if they chose to have sex before marriage, it was ultimately their own personal decision.
Personal ownership is essential as you revisit your childhood and the disappointments, fears and challenges you experienced growing up. When you recognized that your mother was apprehensive about sharing, did you consider that she may not have been prepared to go there? Did you try to approach her again with your questions? If not, did you use other means or seek out answers using books or the internet?
It’s important to remember that there is a difference between talking to your children about sex and the responsibilities that go along with it versus ways to please and satisfy your mate. Most parents steer away from sharing intimacy details because it is a personal aspect of a relationship. It seems that you caught your parents offguard and they were worried that you saw something you may not have understood. The timing may not have been great and they may not have shared it in a way that you cared about but nevertheless they made an attempt to explain things to you.
I encourgae you to move on. A lot of young women struggle with a skued image of sexual intimacy partially because of the way they learned about it early on and partially because when they experienced sex for the first time, it may or may not have been the way they envisioned it to be. Different things often taint our view of sex including society and the image portrayed through magazines and movies.
I encourage you to continue learning together as a couple. If you partner is sensitive to your needs he should be willing to take as long as needed in order to make sure you are secure and not hesitant. There’s nothing wrong with reading books together or even taking the time to re establish your sexual relationship. It really is all about you and your husband. Nothing that your parents did or may not have done should create such a distaste or reluctance to grow together as a couple. Parents often make judgement calls that sometimes become a source of resentment later in life but just bear in mind that despite the choices that you regret, they loved you unconditionally and only desired what was best for you.
Maybe in time it’ll be something you and you parents can discuss further if you feel there will be a pay off from it. If not, it’s best to leave it where it was…in the past, moving beyond and towards a place of emotional healing.
Sorry. I didn’t mean to write a novel. I just wanted to offer a different perspective.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 12:57 am:
I am so touched by your honestly and willingness to write on your thoughts and struggles with sex. I think this is a VERY important topic that most people are too afraid to touch.
It make me sad to hear of your troubles and my heart goes out to you. I think it is important to know that our parents don’t have all the answers themselves and thus feel hopeless when it comes to telling us as their children.
As to your point about how the media views sex, I think you are right on track! It sickens me to see how the world portrays such an amazing gift (sex) and cheapens it to sell products or ideas. It is important to find your own unique sex appeal and discover the power you have as a woman.
You are beautiful just as you are. Thank you for your post!
<3 Miss Mae
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 1:05 am:
I think you’ve really touched on something by suggesting your parents input has really affected the way you view sex. I was raised in a religion that is pretty conservative, but that celebrated sex between husband and wife as something beautiful and sacred. I’m grateful that my mother shared with me her enthusiam for sex and was very enthusiatic to answer my questions and was comfortable answering my most difficult questions. I spent many long car rides with her being intrigued and amused in our talks on the subject. I am 23 and not yet married, and not yet sexually active but regardless of all the media smut that I hear and see I still regard sex as something beautiful and sacred and I am very much looking forward to it. I think because of her attitude I feel sex is not all the ridiculous and crude things the world says it is, but a way of closely bonding with someone. I thank my mother for depicting sex not as something scary or dirty but as something both fun and meaningful. Don’t worry about what’s “normal” or popular. We are all humans with hangups and insecurities, so don’t beat yourself up for being human!Hopefully your experiences will help you to teach your children a better way. Best of luck, I think your very inquisitive mind will help you to find the answers. Thanks for your posts! They are fascinating to read!
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 2:38 am:
You’re awesome! We are pretty much on the same level, agreeing in almost every way. However, I had to learn it all ON MY OWN and it was not, and is still not, an easy feat. At least you had married, supportive parents to give you even an *idea* of what to expect instead of having to find it yourself among the media and your peers, which is pretty much the worst combination possible.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 5:47 am:
Wow. I can’t even tell you how much I needed to read this. I don’t feel so alone right now.
I have never read any of your other posts (wishcake twittered about this), but from just this one entry I can tell you are a beautiful writer.
Thanks again.
xoxo
Ashley
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 6:04 am:
Wow, I could have written this! (Especially the part about the patient husband & feeling like a “bad wife”)
I applaud you for writing this & being so open & honest about it.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 9:13 am:
Man, I’ve spent a lot of time in my life bitching about the ridiculous arbitrary guilt that Puritanical culture has dumped all over sex — but I feel a million times bitchier now. There’s no reason for you (or any of the other millions of other women) to feel this way! It’s just an abusive paradigm, even though your parents didn’t mean it to be hurtful. It still was, and it still is for all the other unthinking people who instill shaming ideas in their childrens’ heads out of their own fear and shame.
I’m sure that this uneasiness is why our culture overcompensates with an improbable, disproportionate depiction of sex and sexual life in the mass media. It’s sad, really, like a hurt 14 year old covering up their vulnerable nature by covering themself in black eyeliner and spiky boots. The pretense is so transparent.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 9:25 am:
Wow what a great post and right in time for me.
Honestly I’m somewhat dealing with something similar, but opposite you could say.
Pornography taught me sex. I was exposed at a very young age (like 7) and part of me believes that maybe somehwere before then “someone” else may have introduced me. All i know is what pornography has taught me.
I have no problem expressing my sexuality. Sex has been used to validate me, to comfort me, to make me feel alive. Its like shooting heroin for me.
I dont know what love making feels like, or what its like to have a warm touch. Everything was mechanical, physical, withotu feeling. Just an act to get me another high.
Now I’m still struggling with that dark part of me. I was taught the same views of sex and marriage but every act of sex was dirty for me. Even masturbation was dirty. And that sick part of me didnt mind playin in the mud. But the real Courtney wants so much more.
I also plan on blogging about this today. I’m going through so much right now and I just need to let it out. Maybe that is why I can relate to this post. Its not exactly the same issue but its still a struggle with our sexuality.
You’re absolutely beautiful, gorgeous, intelligent, and a truckload of other wonderful qualities. You will never be able to pull off society’s standard of sexy because yours goes way beyond what anybody except God, you and your husband will ever understand.
Pull from that place. Know that you’re sexy simply because you and your awesomeness exists. You’re not dirty in any way. It is only your perception of it that makes it dirty. You have the power to change that perception.
Your husband loves for way more reasons than how good you look in a thong and a teddy. Sex is more than getting intimate with the physical, its a connection that is spiritual as well.
I dont believe anything is wrong with you at all. It is all in your perception. We sometimes have to take the facts and separate them from what we perceive to be facts and deal with them. There is nothing unattractive or dirty about you, your husband, or any desire ya’ll may have to be intimate. I think its just one of those journeys that may take some time to get through because I know its definitely taking time for me to get through mine.
Be happy though, at least you do have someone who loves you the way you are and will go through this with you. ^_^
I hope this helps a little bit! *hugz*
♥ Tupieta
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 10:10 am:
Hey you :)
Lovely post – and yes, I think every woman goes through this. I do at times, it comes in batches. I think a lot can be attributed to your headspace at the time and that can last a day to years…who knows? But know you aren’t alone. So much comes from what we see each day and what we were taught in our youth and from all these comments, I can see other’s agree!
My trick is that the more I do it, the more I want to do it. The less I do it, the less I want to do it. Is it laziness on my behalf? Could be! It’s the same with exercise!
The thing is, I never turn down sex if it comes up but it seems my man is as lazy as I am. But when we do have it, it’s great. The best thing is to just be PHYSICAL with each other…you know, hugging, cuddling, pinching their butt. It all adds up and its what makes you motor along. Then sex happens when it happens.
I think women just need to step back and go by their own rythym and stop comparing themselves to others and other couples – it’s hard to do I know.
Anyhoo, lovely post as always – BIG HUGS!
PS I’m a Christian but was taught that sex is a great thing. Even Pope John Paul II taught couples how to have great pleasurable sex (before he was the pope) so please don’t view it as sinful or shameful. If the POPE didn’t see it that way, well, no one should!
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 10:44 am:
Ok, so I didn’t read the comments..so I have no idea if someone else said this:
- I applaud your openness and I may write similar post on my blog.
- I too grew up with the iron hand of God in my household.
- I don’t think it is your parents’ responsibility to teach you how to enjoy sex. Yes, they can eff you up emotionally and scar you when it comes to your attitude towards it. They just wanted you to be healthy…meaning, being promiscuous is not healthy for many reasons. As you get older, we must shed the layers of what our parents put on us and discover things for ourselves. That’s like your parents telling you no candy when you’re a child and then when you’re an adult…you say you’ve never enjoyed a piece. I think that it is up to you to knock down those doors and be comfortable enough with yourself first.
Do you know who you are? Sexiness is the epitome of self-awareness and self-love. Confidence!
Secondly, trust. You obviously trust your husband and love him very much. Being able to be open with your mate sexually is the peak of demonstrating how much you trust them.
I have faith that you will get to where you wish to be.
Good luck, sweetheart.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 11:36 am:
i really wish i could write something like this. i love your openness and honesty as always and hell i loved everything you just talked about.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 11:52 am:
I remember my dad kept referring to sperm as “My seed” and that made me think I had plants growing inside of me.
That was the weirdest conversation ever. I think I’ll let my kids find out the easy way.
Porn.
on Wednesday, June 24th, 2009 at 12:21 pm:
Ev’Yan,
You make yourself so transparent to others that it simply amazes me. This is a wonderful post and please understand you should never feel like there is something wrong with you because you may not do things the way society projects that everyone else is doing things. The # 1 thing that has always angered me is when people say “they say” or the only explanation that someone can give me for something is that “society says.” Now understand I have always been a bit of a rebel and questioned everything! I analyze everything sometimes to much and I don’t just accept what someone tells me by no means I have to examine things for myself. I don’t do this because I don’t have faith or because I don’t believe what someone is telling me. But I do this because there is always more to everything than anyone is ever willing to tell you or that they even know completely themselves. People who interpret the bible are good examples of this perception, some people use the bible to validate there behavior some for good and some for destruction. (but moving along)
I never had “The Talk” with my parents, so I what I learned in the beginning was from church, school, books, videos and my peers. But as you know even with all those resources I never really learned what sex really was and is about until I evaluated it for myself. Sex is more than any dictionary will ever be able to define, yeah sure at first glance it is intended for procreation by a married couple (man and woman) and by definition is:
Source: Webster Dictionary
1: either of the two major forms of individuals that occur in many species and that are distinguished respectively as female or male especially on the basis of their reproductive organs and structures
2: the sum of the structural, functional, and behavioral characteristics of organisms that are involved in reproduction marked by the union of gametes and that distinguish males and females
3 a: sexually motivated phenomena or behavior
And the act is considered:
1 : heterosexual intercourse involving penetration of the vagina by the penis :
2 : intercourse (as anal or oral intercourse) that does not involve penetration of the vagina by the penis
However sex is intimacy, emotions and stimulation, these are things that we all experience in some fashion daily. Hence this is why so many organizations have spent millions of dollars to create policies regarding what is considered sexual harassment. Some one touching you on a place as simple as your elbow is can be considered sexually harassing someone. This is so because sex is someone entering your personal space that causes a wave of feelings either exciting or uncomfortable but either way a series of feelings. Of course it is also much more broad than these statements as well but this is what I my experiences have taught me.I didn’t wait for marriage to have sex and I don’t believe that I am going to hell for it either. I believe in God and the many blessings he as bestowed upon me and also that there is an understanding that I will not be perfect as will no other human being because we are not the higher power. Of course there are people who disagree with my thoughts on this but someone will always disagree with something you think. Also those same people are passing judgment which they are not suppose to do either but they are doing it time and time again, making my point on this that everyone sins daily, not only are actions sins but so are thoughts.
But I say this to say whatever the level of sex you and your husband share is for the two of you to interpret. And I also say this to say that if someone is participating in sex outside of marriage don’t allow yourself to feel like you are less than a person or allow others to make you feel horrible about it.
As for how people feel about the actual act of sex comes with adjusting their thought process. As with everything else in life your thoughts are your reality and sometimes that means not indulging in any that will interrupt the way you would like to view it unless it give you a positive outlook. Society is geared towards telepathically controlling our thought process. So the more you indulge in what they display
the more you will be roped into viewing things in a way that they would not like you to see it. Only purposely indulge in things that will make you feel good and not the opposite.
The act of sex will be wonderful for some and simply awful for others but understand that you can share in sex without doing tricks or adding any other things in your process. Simply embrace who you are as a person, be comfortable with who you are in your skin and enjoy the process of you and your mate learning how to please yourselves and one another. If you can’t bring pleasure to yourself and make yourself happy how are you suppose to help create happiness with someone else. This is why I believe that masturbating is a natural act and shouldn’t be deemed as this awful thing. Again some will indulge in it and others will not but either way it shouldn’t make you feel bad.
Sometimes in life, things are not complicated they are simple and others make it complicated. As children we are taught to explore and learn which is done with such innocence. It is not until we become adults that things come with so many hang ups. You should feel comfortable exploring yourself for understanding as well as your mate that simple. As kids we used all of our senses for exploration.
There is nothing about the human body that is nasty and should not be paid attention to. Sex is not just for men but for woman as well and woman should understand they control that process with how they extend themselves and what they allow, sexually or otherwise. Most things in life are an experiment, experiment with the things that work for you and your husband and apply them- everything else is not important.
There are many reasons why people feel the way they do about sex and I have probably heard all of them from friends, family or simply reading about them but the one thing that I am certain of is that everyone can enjoy sex in a broader meaning of what it is. Orgasm or the ejaculation process takes place without penetration, some people all it takes is a good massage, a good dream, to be kissed in a certain way or on a particular body part, etc. Sex does not have to be complicated just understood and indulged in as each person deems necessary.
Sex can be simply wonderful and enjoyed. The act can be a beautiful process and make you feel so amazing that you always want to find a way to recreate that feeling.
I have shared with my girls that the vagina and penis are precious parts of the anatomy and should be treated as such. You should guard these parts of your body not allow anything to be done to them that you don’t feel comfortable with and understand that everyone is not worthy of being allowed to interact with these areas. Combined they can create life and pleasure but also used carelessly can create a great deal of problems with your health, emotionally and physically. Yes I have shared with them the religious aspect and feel that it would be simply wonderful if they waited until marriage to indulge in the act. But if they chose to indulge prior to that I will not make them feel like less of a person and would hope that they have practiced all the safety precautions that we have discussed. Even though I think I have expressed things openly with them I do understand it still may be a struggle for them, I think for most of us is was at one point in our lives.
I can truly say that it took me until I was 26 to really start getting the real joy out of sex due to my involvement with a passionate older man and I have maintain that enjoyment until present day…I am currently 37.
I truly apologize if I rambled on in any way or jumped all over the place in my response but I just had so many thoughts that I want to share on this topic.
on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 1:00 am:
Wow. Great post. I have so much to say but yet…I don’t know where to start…
Often times, we make things much more complicated than they actually are. If you try too hard to tell yourself to let go, it’s also only natural for you to think that you’re doing something wrong..
I can’t offer much but what I can tell you from my recent experience with…life- live it to the fullest of your potential each and every day. Focus on what you CAN do and not what you CAN’T (it’ll beat you..) Best of luck…
on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 7:17 am:
Oh honey – if I could hug you all the way from Australia, I would. Thank you for such a beautifully honest post … I don’t really have the words to be able to articulate what it felt like to read, other than that the clarity and transparency of your writing beautifully highlights the blurring of the boundaries between ’sex’ and ’sexuality’ and how confusing it can be when trying to navigate a path between the two.
Sex is confounding. Like many others, I never had ‘The Talk’ with my parents … for years I couldn’t understand why they weren’t more open with me but now, as a high school teacher, I think I can understand a little of the confusion and awkwardness they might have felt (and consequently why they chose not to address it at all). How would they explain that sex is messy, sticky, sometimes awkward, sometimes painful, sensual and beautiful all at the same time? I guess perhaps that’s the point – being open and honest about the complexity of sex, how awkward and uncomfortable it can make people feel is all part of the process of communicating and understanding.
Myself I’m not comfortable talking about sex with parents – abstract conceptions of sexuality yes, and the way in which aspects of our culture seem highly sexualized, yes, but the actual act of sex, not at all. I have a few close female friends that I can talk openly with and I think this has been key in developing confidence in my own sexuality and understanding of sex.
That said, understanding and coming to terms with ones own sexuality takes time … perhaps it’s a constant process of evolution. It’s only really now, at 25, that I’ve accepted my body (and even then that acceptance is based on a very precarious relationship!) and feel comfortable with (and in) my sexuality. I’ve always enjoyed sex but like many women, was secretly ashamed of ‘down there’ – the hair, the smell … on some days it still bothers me but for the most part I’ve decided to embrace it – the hair (to a certain extent!), the smell (which makes it sound more potent than it is … it’s just that before/during sex it seems somewhat heightened). I guess what I’m trying to say is (and I know this is far easier to say than it is to do) – don’t feel ashamed, don’t feel dirty, don’t feel like there’s anything wrong with you. Sex can be confounding but perhaps it’s a journey … give it time … and remember that ’sexiness’ is a highly personal thing, and I’d hazard a guess and say that your husband probably finds you amazingly sexy – so you need to feel that way about yourself too!
Wow, I’ve really rambled on and probably haven’t made much sense and repeated what everyone else has already said more articulately than I just have … I think it’s a testament to the skill of your writing that so many people have posted long comments!
One final thing – ‘The Delta of Venus’ by Anais Nin is erotica worth reading … whenever I read it, I’m reminded of the complex beauty of sex.
x
on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 1:11 pm:
First of all I want to thank you for being so transparent in this post. I was very impressed with your honesty and it is not always an easy thing to be open, especially about sex and sexuality. Secondly I would like to say that just you being open about your thoughts, discomforts, and etc, proves that you’re not asexual, but that you honestly want to overcome or at least gain some insight on how to erase the negative connotations towards sex and sexuality.
A few months ago I did a seminar with married couples for my Human Sexuality class when I was getting my Master’s in Social Work. I took the class because I want to eventually be a marriage and family therapist, but I also want to work to destroy the negative image of sex in the church. And I did the seminar because I’m in love with the thought of happy, prosperous, and amazing marriages and if I can help make that possible for married couples out there I will, because I want a happy marriage as well.
I know you didn’t ask for my advice, so I won’t give it, but I will just give some helpful pointers I’ve found to get the wheels spinning.
Anyway let me get to the point. I think you’ve already conquered the first step to any issue or curiosity and that’s talking about it. Secondly it is very important for that husbands and wives talk about what they know about sex, what they don’t know, what they like, and what they don’t like. A good way to overcome the “taboo” of sex is to talk about the stuff that makes you blush or shy away from it; as a matter of fact to even make a game out of it. I did a game called List the Slang name for Penis and Vagina and the married couples had a ball listing and naming the different slang terms for the male and female reproductive organs. The other thing is that if you’re coming from a religious standpoint that SEX is a GIFT FROM GOD!!!! PERIOD!!!! He made it beautiful and powerful and amazing, and we as man and the media and pornorgraphy has corrupted it and made people feel dirty about something so beautiful. So once we get God’s perspective about SEX and MARRIAGE we are well on our way to great sex with our husbands or our wives.
Another thing I shared in the seminar was setting the atmosphere in the bedroom. That the act of sex isn’t all physical, but there is some mental and emotional aspects in there too. Here are a few points I shared:
Your Bedroom should be what you choose it to be. (No one but the couple sharing the bedroom should have a say in what the atmosphere should be).
If you desire for your bedroom to be a den of love, romance, pleasurable sex, restful peace, then you BOTH must set the atmosphere for the Bedroom to Become just that.
Be creative when doing romantic gestures for your partner within your bedroom.
Light candles, cue up the sexy-love making music, read poetry, sing to one another in your quest to make your bedroom’s atmosphere romantic.
Learn to take things slow, explore one another’s bodies, caress one another, and memorize the sounds, the tastes, and the thoughts of your pleasurable experience in your bedroom.
Think about your partner’s sexual needs, have an understanding of your own, become comfortable with sharing your sexual thoughts and feelings with your partner.
Understand what the goal of pleasurable sex is…to be pleasurable for both parties involved.
Don’t make sex in the bedroom routine. (Spice it up)
Play games that builds sensuality and doesn’t always lead to sex, but gets you thinking in that direction.
Ask questions that spark discussion and not arguments about sex.
I know I just wrote a whole story and I’m sorry about that. But the most important thing is learning to love yourself first and learning to love your own body first before you can let someone else love it for you. Don’t follow the standards set by the world but follow the ones you and your spouse create for the bedroom. Although people try to make it unimportant sex is very important and it can be very positive if your thoughts and feelings are headed in the positive directions.
Again thank you for sharing and hopefully something was said that can be helpful.
jwriter
on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 5:53 pm:
I think you’re spectacular for putting this out there. I never get why sex is such a taboo topic.
I don’t know what to say really, because you and I are quite different on this topic, but I just wanted to comment and say that 1. I think you’re fucking brave as hell for posting this, and 2. I hope you find your sexy someday- because you’re gorgeous and lovely and totally deserve the orgasmic side of it all.
on Thursday, June 25th, 2009 at 7:37 pm:
You are so brave for putting this out there, Ev’Yan, and being so transparent about it.
I think what you’re going through is something many people — women especially — experience if they were given the same perspective as you while growing up. I was raised in the church, and ever since I can remember, we were taught not to have sex until marriage. It was wrong if you did so before then.
It’s taken me a while, but I have slowly learned to embrace sex and my sexy, despite having some significant hangups when I first lost my virginity. I hope that one day you’ll find it, too, because you deserve to experience it. *hugs*
I’m here if you ever want to chat about it.
on Friday, June 26th, 2009 at 11:29 am:
My mum gave me The Talk when I was ten, apparentally after I’d asked where babies were from. What she taught me was much the same as yours, that it’s for marriage, for creating babies, and worse that any pleasure was a gift from God because you were trying to have babies.
Luckily it didn’t affect me too much, what did affect me I’ve basically over come, and my mum admits now that her thoughts were skewed by religion.
The fact that you’re able to talk about it now shows that you’re already starting to overcome it :) Take it at your own pace and just find out where you stand on things yourself.
on Saturday, June 27th, 2009 at 1:00 am:
This is a daring, but also such a beautiful post. I think I would never have the courage to write about sex this way. About my own experiences and such, but I agree with you. It’s funny how sex is such a normal thing to do, but everyone is always beating around the bush because of it. Also I hate how the religous approach towards sex. It made me feel similar like you do when I was growing up. All that talk about sin – it sickend me. I don’t know how to put my words into thoughts right now, but all in all this was a good post that got me thinking. :)
Thanks for you comment, btw. MJ RIP
on Saturday, June 27th, 2009 at 8:50 am:
I’m sure a lot of people have posted a lot of comments to this post and I truly hope they have been helpful. I understand your situation where you wish your parents could have informed you more on the topic of sex but there are so many reasons why they couldn’t. One could be is that they probably got an ever shorter and more vague explanation from their parents. Another is they possibly still think of it as a sin but one they enjoy and feel guilty that they enjoy it.
As for your troubles, I don’t think I could write anything that you haven’t already heard or read. One thing for sure, keep on reading and reaching out because there are billions of people on this planet and at least one of them has gone through what you are going through.
Last week, I heard this line,
Sex is a nasty, awful, sinful thing that you should only do with the one you really love.
on Saturday, June 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm:
It’s a bit too late to blame your parent though. These things you have to find out yourself. Do some extra research if you are religious and how things with sex are handled so that you dont have to feel guilty.
on Sunday, June 28th, 2009 at 1:05 pm:
wow!!!!!
This is so HONEST! I totally understand where you are coming from, I am 21 going on 22 and most of what I know about sex I had to unearth for my self. My mother did not have a birds and the bees talk with me, because I think she knew I had a vague idea {I read all her Danielle Steel novels and her Jackie Collins and her Mills and Boons} LOL so you can imagine how DISTORTED my view was. When I was growing up sex was ominous really; it meant pregnancy, it meant that you were a ‘bad’ girl, it meant that you were beyond redemption and had gravely sinned etc etc, I remember finding a weird book telling me masturbation was wrong and hell is the definite destination for anyone who DARED to touch that forbidden place {which till now is not referred to by name….by my mother lol} all this came with a side of MTV telling me and showing me what ’sexy’ should look like. Then I don’t know exactly what shifted, maybe it was because my father came into my life and brought with him Nikki Giovanni and James Baldwin and Audre Lorde and Toni Morrison and Alice Walker…and I had never thought of being a woman, being a sensous being, being a person who is capable of LOVING in every sense of the word. But I read between the lines of these books and I recognised that living is a departure from what people make it out to be. That it is OK to feel sexual, and it is OK to want to express this {in your own way} and it is OK to feel good in your own skin and that no part of you is dirty or unclean, and it is OK to enjoy sex, and all these things are OK. The skies won’t fall, and no ne will go to hell, and it is OK.
I think realising you are not alone is a step :) :) you are not alone we are all here figuring it out. Sorting through myths and legends told to us in our childhoods and finding our truth. Our healthy, comfortable in our skin, truth. Be affirmed Ev’Yan. It’s all OK and it’s all good and I know those are just words and maybe won’t do much to help, but :) it will be fine. xxxxx
Much love xxxx
on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 1:19 pm:
wow. this mirrors how I feel about my relationship with my husband and my feelings about things. Kind of comforting to know I’m not the only one. I’m only 28 – which is meant to be my peak?! I worry that he will get bored and stray one day, despite our love for one another. Likewise, it is the cause of our disagreements. we hardly disagree over anything else. Just the lack of closeness. sigh.
on Monday, June 29th, 2009 at 8:55 pm:
Woot. Thank you for this. I passed on an award to you in my most recent post for this post of yours. <3
on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 at 11:08 am:
wow, my dear. I’m a little late to this party here, but I saved this post for a time where I knew I’d have the ability to read and absorb and react. You said so much so wonderfully and as others have said – so courageously. I don’t know if it’s our culture or WHAT, but sex is a TOUGH one. I learned of the birds and the bees from some presentation my mom took me to when I was in 5th grade. I signed a “True Love Waits” pledge as a 5th grader in my southern baptist Memphis church. I had arguments with boyfriends in college about sex – both of us being torn about what was right or wrong, dealing with guilty conscious. I’ve been a prude and on the other side of that fence, rebelling against what I was told I “should” or “shouldn’t” be doing.
Ultimately, now at age 26, I’m at a place where I’m ready to TRULY enjoy sex – WITH THE RIGHT PERSON. Not with the Mr. Right person necessarily, but not too soon or too easily with the all-around WRONG person.
Like Nicole said, I hope you find your sexy someday because you absolutely deserve it.
on Tuesday, June 30th, 2009 at 5:40 pm:
I just happened across your blog and it is lovely.
This post really struck a chord with me for many reasons, the major one being that I had (have) the same problems with my sexuality. Most of the sex stuff I learned came from my peers, and needless to say, all of it was false or exaggerated. My parents avoided the sex talk for years, not having the conversation with me until I was in my last year of high school and had, unknown to them, already had my first sexual experience – and even that talk was very bare and didn’t hit any of the points that would have been emotionally beneficial to me. Thus, a boatload of sexual insecurities were born.
I carried the insecurities with me for a very long time, even after I had met the boy that would eventually marry, and then, into my marriage. I felt like a failure for not being comfortable in the bedroom, and though my hubby was supportive, it caused problems for us. There were many times where I just went through the motions to please him even though I wasn’t into it, and that caused resentment towards him on my part. What a mess!
Over the years, I’ve become more comfortable with myself and sex as well. I attribute this to finally identifying my hangups and working to get over them, or at the least, better deal with them.
I hope the comments to this post show you that you are not alone. Many of us women have experienced or are experiencing the same thing you are right now. I hope that you find the key to unlocking your inner sex kitten. I’m keeping my fingers crossed for you.
on Wednesday, July 29th, 2009 at 11:32 am:
[...] blurb on the Lelos, a contest announcement, and when we’re lucky, someone comes out and speaks truth about themselves and their experience in a very revealing and courageous way. Besides this handful of people, not many folks talk about the thing we all do. There are people [...]
on Friday, August 28th, 2009 at 11:42 am:
[...] on it yesterday and browsed through some of her previous posts; one that I really, really liked was a post about sex. Not because it’s about sex – but because she exactly said what I think. She talked [...]
on Sunday, August 30th, 2009 at 10:20 am:
I can’t remember when, or who from, I first learned about sex. Most likely my parents, but I remember more clearly my Catholic schools drilling chastity and abstinence in my head. There’s nothing wrong with that, but I feel like a lot was left out. I had a health teacher last year who, despite the fact that we were in a Catholic school, taught us about birth control on the side. Nothing in detail, but because she thought it was better to tell us to be safe than to tell us things we may never listen to. The media also has a very misconstrued view on sex, I think.
I truly hope things work out for you. Just remember to take it slow. It seems that your husband loves you a lot and is very understanding, which is extremely important when going through things like this. (Not that I would know, but it seems like it would be.) And remember that there is nothing wrong with you. You ARE still young. Sex shouldn’t be the basis or focus on any relationship, but (in my opinion) a healthy sexual relationship starts with a healthy, loving relationship. Some things just take time… I’ll stop rambling now.
This was a beautiful entry. :)
on Sunday, October 18th, 2009 at 10:36 am:
You have such a great blend of excellent writing style and brutal honesty…
I think that diving deep into Tantra could maybe help you. I tried a weekend course myself and its much different from reading a book. Tantra or not, the main goal is to redefine how we think about and perceive this thing called sexuality. Start by setting aside the old way we were taught how we should feel etc. And start completely fresh.
This is the course I tried and I can highly recommend them
http://www.ecstaticliving.com/
and here Lokita is blogging about Tantra,, a very good post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lokita-and-steve-carter/beyond-sexual-techniques_b_273079.html
- I am not affiliated in any way to these two,, just wanted to share my experience,, good luck :) !
on Tuesday, January 19th, 2010 at 8:35 pm:
I have had similar experiences. You are fortunate enough to have found someone that loves you and is as patient as possible. I have actually had some negative experience because of how I feel about sex and they have made it worse. I wish I could share them with you but I don’t want the whole world to see just yet but soon I will because I think my personal story can help others on so many levels. Thank you for posting this.
on Thursday, January 21st, 2010 at 11:06 am:
It seems nobody has been honest and direct with you. You are fuckin’ broken. My girl and I read this and we were so shocked that we couldn’t even laugh. Sex is completely instinctive. No one has to make you want it, you’re born that way. Whatever is not operating properly within you needs to be fixed ASAP. Clearly your man loves you more than you can understand. To stick with a woman that doesn’t like fuckin’ you is torture to any man and I promise he’s screaming and crying inside. We REALLY do hope for the best but you don’t need therapy. You need a fuckin’ neurologist because it MUST be a flaw of the brain with you. I know this sounds insulting but a soft-ass ”Beverly Hills” approach won’t suffice. Fix the problem soon or watch him run off with a more pleasing version of you.