02|08|2009
before you ask, the answer is no.
A picture of me & my new little sister, Valerie Jane. I wish I could describe meeting her for the first time, but the feelings are still being processed. I’m sure I will articulate my emotions eventually but for now, it’ll be left unsaid. One thing’s for sure: she is a cutie pie; & she wouldn’t stop smiling at me.
____________________
It’s a constant question for any young married couple: When will you start a family?
For me, this question comes in many forms:
- “When’re you going to give me some grandchildren?”
- “When’re you going to give me some great-grandchildren?”
- “You guys should make some babies already!”
- “So… when will we see your belly start to grow, Ev’Yan?”
- “When you have a baby…”
- “You & Jonathan will make some gorgeous little babies!”
I remember when I first announced my elopement at work. It was met with a few raised eyebrows, but for the most part, a lot of congratulatory wishes. & the very first question that people asked right after I finished gushing about my rendezvous in Las Vegas was: “So… when are you gonna have a baby?” (Because, apparently, “first comes love, then comes marriage, & then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”)
I hate to admit that this bothered me — because it’s just a question, after all — but it did.
I mean, yes… babies are adorable; & yes, babies can be physical evidence of the love you have within your marriage, but is it mandatory for every couple? Well… no, of course not! I mean, it’s not as though people are actually demanding that you have babies right after you marry… But is it a preconditioned assumption? Is it automatically expected? Yes, I think so… & I hate that.
When I put myself in the hot seat, I found it quite interesting that one of the more popular questions — aside from, “What compelled you to get married so young?” — was “Are you planning on having children soon?” & my answer was…
“The saying ‘It’s a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there’ completely embodies my feelings about kids. They’re cute, they’re adorable… as long as they’re not mine.”
Lately, I’ve been thinking very much about this: about why society is constantly pressing this question, & about why my answer is “No.” I’ve realized that it goes so much deeper than “not seeing myself as mother-material” or “not having enough money” or “because we’re living in an apartment & would like to start a family in a house.” It’s so much more than that; & meeting my littlest sister reconfirmed this.
It’s the questions I have in my mind about having a child; the deep “What if?” questions that seem absolutely far-fetched, but are completely relevant to the type of world we live in today.
I’ve told myself that until I can answer these puzzling questions, I will not have any children — even if it means they’ll never be answered. Naturally, some of these questions could easily be answered with, “Well of course I would love/support/cherish/be there for the child!” But… that’s not enough for me; I need real answers.
& while many people will say, “Oh, you’re still young! You’ve got plenty of time to make up your mind about babies!”, I am completely firm on my belief about this.
The questions:
- What would I do if my child was born with some kind of birth defect/disability?
- What would I do if my child told me he/she was transgendered at a young age?
- Would I want to raise my child to be vegetarian as I am now, or to be a meat-eater as I was when I was growing up? (The answer seems obvious… but is it really?) & now that Jonathan is 80% raw vegan, would I want to raise my child in that way?
- What spiritual upbringing would I give my child? Christianity, like I was raised? Mormonism, like Lover was raised? Could I really tell them that they will go to hell if they do not ask for forgiveness of their sins? Could really I tell them that — by the Bible’s standards — they will go to hell if they are gay? (I want them to know the truth, & not from some institutionalized belief system.)
- Will I tell them about Santa Claus? (There are personal reasons behind my asking this question.) Would I want to give them every ridiculous toy for Christmas? & if I didn’t, how would I keep them from feeling left out among their peers?
- How would I talk to them about sex, & how would I talk about their sexuality? Would I tell them that masturbation & sex before marriage — by the Bible’s standards — is sinful? & would I tell them the truth about MY not being a virgin when I was married?
- How would I discipline? Could I really spank my child? (Again, the answer seems obvious… but is it really?)
- Would I homeschool my child — like my sister & I were — or will I put them through public school? Or maybe private school?
- Would I truly be able to keep my child’s morals intact, in a society full of hypocrisy, corruption, greed, & envy? In a society that is completely run by consumerism? How would I keep my child feeling confident & beautiful in the midst of those things?
- If I have one baby, does that mean I must have another? Am I comfortable with the idea of my child possibly being an only?
- Could I really feel right about adding another human life onto this already overpopulated planet, when there are so many other little ones without homes & families? It seems better to adopt…
- Am I prepared to face judgment (& racism) for having a bi-racial child? Am I prepared to face the insecurities my child might have for being two races?
I cannot answer any of these questions without some sort of hesitation or deep brooding.
I’ve heard it said once that being a parent is a learning experience; that as you & your child grow, so will your intuitions & maternal instincts. I understand this, but something just doesn’t seem right about diving right in; for me, at least. Yes, there are books you can read to guide you along… but I don’t think that having a baby should be like that; like a test you will be taking, & therefore, you have to study & study until you have the confidence that you will pass with flying colors.
I think, for some women, it’s doable: they can easily let the chips fall where they may, adapt to their surroundings, hoping for the best, while getting much needed advice from their own mothers or fathers. But for me… I can’t do it. It doesn’t feel right.
Or… maybe I am way off; maybe all of this is coming out of me because of lack of experience. Maybe I would be a great mother. Maybe I would get the hang of it eventually. Maybe all of the questions would answer themselves in time.
Even so, I feel that when it comes to life in the form of a tiny little baby, that’s an awful lot of “maybes.”
____________________
Q: what do you think about this? Are you a mother, & if so, did you experience the same kind of emotions I have right now about children? Did that change in time? Or maybe you’re like me… waiting for everything to fit just perfectly before you have a little bundle; if you decide to have one.
I’m curious to know what you think.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 4:20 pm:
I love this post. Sometimes I feel as confused about it all, and this says so much of what goes on in my head. Those are all very good, valid questions.
I just think that when the time is right, you and your husband will know.
And if you aren’t mean to have kids, you can still love other children in your life and help them be great people, and maybe that’s your place in the world. :)
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 4:31 pm:
i used to get a lot of questions about children, but they’ve kind of dwindled, as i’m getting closer to ‘that’ age, and after my sister had kids, my parents kind of lost that race to get more offspring.
i think about it, but mostly i think about my career now.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 5:29 pm:
This is a great post, Ev. You’ve put into words what I’ve never seemed to have been able to.
I think you’re absolutely right for setting your “baby bar” in this way. Too many people go into having children with the only condiseration being the love they can give the child (looking at the octuplet lady right now), but there is SO MUCH MORE to raising a child.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 5:35 pm:
that’s such an adorable picture you and your baby sis. there seems to be quite a lot of adoration between the two of you.
this is such a great post, i completely understand all of the questions/fears you have about motherhood.
i don’t know of any mother who had, has or will have all the right answers. like everything, certain situations are completely individualistic and you (in your heart) will know what’s right.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 5:51 pm:
All, very VALID questions and some of them I have asked myself.
I agree with Debi, though: You and your husband will KNOW if want to have kids, when the time is right.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 5:55 pm:
I just want you to know that I am definitely in the same boat as you. However, I don’t find kids “adorable” like some do… I find them annoying and kind of gross. At my wedding shower one of my friends babies spit up milk all over me and I was like “um, ew!” and she retorted “What? It’s just milk!” Yeah, milk that came out of your breast, was digested and then regurgitated onto me!! That is so not cute. I kind of avoid contact with babies or children (part of the reason I teach high school).
When Michael and I got married (and even before in some cases) people were hounding us for kids!! I complacently inform people for the most part that I have no pressing urge to procreate and IF one day I wake up and desire children THEN I will approach that subject. But right now, I am too selfish and happy and uninterested to create a child that I would regret.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 6:06 pm:
Even though Andrew and I aren’t near ready to get married, let alone have kids, we have talked about it. It’s something we both want. Adoption is something I definitely want–I’ve said all my life I wanted to adopt a child, especially because one of my mother’s best friends is adopted.
The only thing which worries me about having kids is the fact I know how emotionally unstable I can feel sometimes and I think it’s important to get past that before I dive into having kids. And my body issues are something I know I’ve inherited, at least in part, from my own mother and so I wouldn’t want to have kids until I got to a much healthier place.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 7:43 pm:
@ debi: you know, you are absolutely right; that even if I don’t want kids, I can find other ways to bring children into my life & love them just as much. :] Thank you for that.
@ jennine: Thank you so much for contributing your thoughts on this. I think it’s great that you’re focusing on your career, in spite of being “that” age — which I’m a bit uncertain to what that means. ;]
@ Alicia: Amen to that! I’m so glad I’m not the only one — at my age — that feels this way.
@ thatShortChick: You’re absolutely right. I definitely think it’s a learning experience, & one that I am not ready for in the least. & yes, the picture of me & my sister (which is still very weird to say!) it nice. I have to admit that there is a bond there…
@ san: Thanks for contributing, love. :] I’m glad that I’m not the only one who has asked these hard questions before. I started to think that maybe I’m just over-thinking things!
@ abby: Okay, “ew!” definitely at the baby who spit up on you. You know, I think babies are adorable… but only to a certain extent. Like you, I think they’re loud, obnoxious, troublesome & annoying. (Especially the ones over 4.) I am so glad to know I’m not the only one who has… stronger feelings about children, in the way that you don’t really like them. I actually commend you for telling me that, because I don’t think I could ever outwardly admit that I think children are gross! ;]
@ Shannon: I love that you have such a strong passion to adopt. The more I think about this subject, the more I feel like I would like to adopt. Maybe it’s because my mom has always loved the adoption idea (we’ve tried several times to find the perfect “fit” for a child, but it never worked). I definitely think I will adopt from another country, though…
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 8:04 pm:
I waver back and forth on the issue of children. Now that I’m in my twenties, and in a serious monogamous relationship, I’ve been getting this question more and more. I think it’s an unfair question for people to ask young women, and it can be kind of cruel. When my sister-in-law married my brother she was asked this question multiple times on her wedding day, 10 minutes after the ceremony. And I remember thinking about how terrible it is people don’t give women a chance to focus on themselves.
Every time people ask this of me the answer I come to is that I am too selfish to have a kid right now. I really enjoy life being just S. and myself because we have so much fun together, and we are able to pick up and go wherever we want when we decide what we want.
Another part of it is wanting everything to be perfect when we do finally have a child, and as much as people tell me “you can never really be prepared for a child” I think it’s possible to at least have a home and a decent income so you can make sure your child is well taken care of.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 8:51 pm:
This is a great post, and I’m going to write my thoughts about this for me this week or next. When I announced my ’secret’ was waiting over the weekend everyone guessed pregnancy and it kind of… well it was strange.
I think that those questions are good ones to ask, and at the same time there are years to be eased into answering them. I have co-workers with 10 year olds & 4 year olds and teenagers, and it has been really interesting to hear all the different stages of parenting they’re in.
I love children, but I’m not there yet. I’m happy we have time to figure it out. If I have unlimited resources I would have my own baby & adopt an aboriginal baby too, but adoption is so expensive and arduous. I’ve also thought that maybe one day we could become foster parents and be there for children who really, really need someone kind & stable in their lives.
I will say, that if you and both end up having transgendered vegetarian toddlers we have to move closer together. Srsly.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 8:59 pm:
I’m not someone that feels I need to have all the answers beforehand, but I’m very confident on a number of things. Mostly it boils down to honesty, my parents were always pretty honest with me and I think that did so much for me growing up. We were raised in a way that helped us find how to get our own answers, well thought out, researched answers. I will raise my children as vegan, but with the understanding that they are free to find their own way. I was actually forced to start thinking about dealing with bi-racial children as well, I was pretty oblivious until I got practically slapped in the face with it (G is hispanic and I’m about as white as white gets).
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 9:02 pm:
Whew. There is so much swirling around in my head that forming a coherent comment is difficult!
- I don’t think anyone has all the answers. As with most things, you figure it out as you go along.
- I don’t think most people are 100%, completely prepared and ‘ready’ to become parents. (Which is actually a luxury! My friend and her husband got pregnant a few months after getting married and were quite bummed about it. When she went to get bloodwork done, the nurse asked if she was excited and she replied, “Well, I was expecting to be pregnant…This is very unplanned.” The nurse shrugged, “Welcome to 80% of the people who come in here.”)
- I don’t think being a parent is for everyone. But I do think that couples in a loving relationship who are fairly financially stable would be, at the very least, capable parents. :)
- Personally – I’d like to be mother. I love, love, LOVE children and being a parent really appeals to me. (Maybe it’s the oldest child/oldest grandchild/teacher in me – shaping young minds is exciting.) Although Mike has been kind of uncertain lately about embracing parenthood. He doesn’t buy into society’s plan for life. :) (And we already fight, er discuss, the vegetarian issue for our kids. I maintain they are NOT eating hot dogs. Eww! We want our offspring to have a smaller carbon footprint than the average American. Ha. This comment is getting long. A great post, obviously!) :)
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 10:06 pm:
this post is amazing!
your questions are ones that i ponder all the time.
right now, i am far too young to have children. i do not have the patience or dedication or self-lessness it takes to raise them. i hope after a few years this will change.
more than anything i would like to retain and promote the idea of unconditional love for my children. if they grow up and have completely opposing ideals as me, i will love them no matter what.
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 11:56 pm:
Wow! You really do write excellently…you had the words that have been in my mind before hubby and I had our daughter.
I decided to stop the pill after nine months from the date of our wedding and fotunately, after three months our baby was conceived. I can say we were prepared but still there are a lot to learn. She was a difficult baby who never slept during the nights until mornings hence, I suffered from post-natal depression but thanks to all the support from my hubby, Mom and sisters going to a shrink wasn’t on the list. Fast forward to now, I still want to have another baby but the thought of going back to those first few years really hinders me. The good thing now is we can travel all together without hindrances or exclusions because she’s tall for an eight year old. What I’m trying to say is… we can go kayaking together or swimming or what have you’s. Take care!
p.s. it is indeed a lovely pic with you and your li’l sis. =)
on Sunday, February 8th, 2009 at 11:58 pm:
I’ve always wanted to have children. Even when it seemed I might not find someone to have them with I still wanted them.
However, I have some friends who were married or in committed relationships in their early 20s who absolutely didnt want children, but as they got older their maternal instinct really kicked in and they ended up leaving the relationships with the guys who’d been so vehemently anti-children. I am not saying you will necessarily change your viewpoint, but ten years from now you will look back at all these entries and be amused, I am sure.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 10:17 am:
I find being asked this question absolutely dreadful:(
I’ve been married for a few yrs. and am in my mid-twenties; so I guess it’s to be expected…
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 10:38 am:
This was a really great post. I’m fairly new around here and just thought I’d finally chime in.
I think it’s so great that you are taking this seriously. It shows some real maturity that you are examining many sides before you make a final decision. This is a decision that not only affects you, but could affect the life of another, so it deserves careful reflection. Maybe you’ll find answers that you’re comfortable with and decide to have kids OR maybe you’ll come close enough OR even decide that children aren’t right for you two. But either way, it’s good to take your time to make the decision that’s right for you and your husband.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 12:09 pm:
i have to say, ever since, and any time another person has asked, i still say i only have one sister.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 12:20 pm:
@ Muriel: Like you, I am far too selfish to have a child right now, too. I love that I have undivided attention between me & Jonathan. That we can pick up & go without worrying about someone else — other than our doggie, of course! So I totally know what you mean. :]
@ Kyla Bea: Oh yes. If that were to happen, I would move to Canada. :]
@ Alexis: That’s great that you are so open-minded about the idea that your child may not be vegan. I am unsure how I would feel about that, honestly. To this day, I still cringe knowing my family members eat meat. ;/
@ ashley.star: I think you would make an impeccable mother! You just have this way about you — through the way you speak on your blog, I mean — that seems like it would be an easy transition for you. For me, it’s different. I think you’re right though; that it takes time… but still, I am uncertain.
@ Lexie: I feel precisely as you do! ;]
@ i devour fashion: thank you for your input. Reading about your experiences sheds a light on the situation. :]
@ Camille: You’re probably right; I’m bound to change my mind. & I’m open to that. But right now, I’m keeping it closed. =] It’s just not the right time for a baby. Not now, or any time soon.
@ Chris: Yes, & I hate that. I wish people would stop being so damn nosy!
@ Raychelle: thanks so much for contributing! I definitely think it’s all about time… :]
@ tangerine: I haven’t ever had the opportunity to say “oh yes, & my other sister.” No one ever asks. But if they do, I’m sure I’ll say I only have one sister. It’s been like that for so long; to change it is weird…<3
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 12:22 pm:
I’m 26, single and from the ‘Deep South.’ I’ve lived in tons of big cities (on my own), including LA but find myself back at the place of my roots.
I get asked constantly when I will settle down and I’m thinking, “With who? Don’t even have a boyfriend at the moment,” and “I’m renting my house in Atlanta because I can’t afford to live there and looking desperately for a job to pay bills.” Does anyone else want to come in and deal with this? Would I want to deal with them while I am dealing? Someday I’d love to have a family and kids, but I can’t predict when that will be.
As for your present situation, congratulations on your recent marriage. Enjoy each other. The question will be asked until you have a child, and when you have one, they’ll ask when you’re having your next. Let them ask, but be the unique creation that you are. I’m still learning to tune out the undertones, implied stereotypes, that I hear.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 12:35 pm:
this post is ridiculous on so many levels & that’s NOT to be rude, it’s just my personal opinion.
The very fact that you ponder these questions is proof in and of itself that you would in fact be a FANTASTIC parent! People who should NOT bring babies into this world are the ones who dont think twice about a damn thing they do and give birth with their same mindset? THOSE are the people who should not be having children.
YOU on the other hand, you’re worried, you are already questioning your self with all the ‘what if’s’ you’re actually GIVING THOUGHT to the way that you would intend to approach important topics and THAT my friend is not only the sign of an intelligent person but is also the mark of a woman who would make an incredible mother.
You CAN’T on the other hand, spend all your time worrying about these things b/c if you and jonathan are in love, if you have a stable relationship that is full of love, then you NEED to have a child or children so that there will be more educated, empathetic, artistic, spiritual, economical, eco-friendly, beautiful (and the list goes on) people in this world…the good outweigh the bad by far…you bring a child into this world out of love and i PROMISE YOU, the rest will figure itself out with time.
all my love <33
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 2:52 pm:
what a beautiful brown baby…just a ball of deliciousness!
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 5:04 pm:
I like the comment by Alexis.
This post really opened my eyes–I had no idea, or rather, just didn’t really think about how complex having a child would be for some.
I’ve always wanted to have a child, and oddly, not in the same context of everyone else.
For a really long time, even though I am only 19, I have been thinking about how artificial insemination could play into my life. That is, I would want to be a single mother. I would also like to adopt a child, on my own but I know how hard that is to achieve, with the ‘ideal’ being: mother, father, child= happy family.
So you can imagine all the comments about selfishness that I get…and the “You’re still young[s]”
But still, it has always been a natural inclination for me–I always wanted my own baby–even when I held strong to the conviction that “I never want to get married” in my early teens [mostly because I feel no one would want to marry me--so I got myself used to the idea.]
I think though, it’s my personal view/ideal of love. I will love my child without reserve or question–pure love–whether she/he only has one foot and a kooky eye, or I adopted her/him as an abandoned or neglected baby.
You’re questions opened my eyes because It never even occurred to me that there could be reservations–silly thinking on my behalf of course, or not thinking at all.
I admire how you put exactly how you feel on the issue into words Ev’Yan, and how strongly you hold your convictions.
And as usual I really enjoyed reading this =]
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 5:32 pm:
okay ev’yan this is one amazing post. i’m pretty sure you’ve hit on every topic that most people think about when having kids. even though i am definitely years off from bringing some bebes into the world i am definitely worried and wonder if i’ll ever be like my mom and have all the answers and i can only hope that yes, i will. and that i’ll figure it out as i go and be certain of myself as a parent and that it’ll be okay. i think that’s the best anyone can really ever do.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 7:10 pm:
Congratulations!
I’ve given you an award!
http://vanitysfair.wordpress.com
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 10:09 pm:
I love that you always seem to approach things with such an inquiring and thoughtful mind. Honestly, I’m beginning to question a lot of things myself. Especially after seeing my sister and realizing just what a huge deal parenthood is – I was left thinking, “Wow. I’m so not ready.”
And although that should have been a bit comforting, part of me started to freak out, wondering what would happen if I never really “felt” ready. Should I wait for that feeling to creep up on me one day? How long should I wait, before just throwing caution to the wind and just hoping that parenthood is something you just learn through experience? But throwing caution to the wind for something like that sounds so irrational, so…what should I do?
Thus continues my incredibly overly-analytical mind. Gahhhh.
I read through all the wonderful comments on this post, and this stuck out to me:
“I think that those questions are good ones to ask, and at the same time there are years to be eased into answering them.”
I trust that you’ll know what to do, and when to do it. I think that when/if you’re really ready, then you’ll be ready to face all these things head on. Best of luck, my dear.
PS: I get the “when are you having babies” question all the time. What gets me is when the same person asks me that EVERY TIME I see them. I’m all, “No, I haven’t changed my answer since last Tuesday, but thanks.”
PPS: Absolutely adorable photo of you and your new sister. I can only imagine you have a lot of feelings swimming around in your head right now, but hopefully a smiling baby can calm your heart.
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 10:50 pm:
your little sister is gorgeous! and yes, i know that question..but now that we have an almost 3 year old, it is always WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE MORE? LOL
on Monday, February 9th, 2009 at 11:13 pm:
Judging from her expression, she’s madly in love with you :-)
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 3:18 am:
hey,
this is a brave post… but who actually feels ready to be a parent ? who can pretend that they know what to expect ? i personnally think that children are a parent’s teacher and that you don’t know anything until they teach you what to do or how to react.
besides, i am what you call a “bi racial” girl (gosh, i hate this term, which would not be accepted in France, where i’m from). And to me, is is only one more thing to learn for a child as they grow up. having the same religious orientation, or being both from the same culture doesnt mean that you and your husband would be less different. Having two different cultures can only make a person more open to people, and, seriously, our generation counts more “mixed” people than ever.
I know this question is only one among 10 000, but still, are you and Jonathan from different planets ? Does having a 100% somthing child would prevent them from facing rejection ?
please don’t get me wrong, this question is completely legitimate and your post is awsome, but to me, unless parents have a problem with raising a multicultural child, since this child is how he is, it’ll only seem natural and commonplace to him/her.
take care ;)
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 5:45 am:
Wow! I gotta say, I love your blog and sometimes the thoughts you articulate and questions you raise are so relevant and well-timed it’s creepy…and this post is no exception. I gave birth to my daughter two weeks ago, and I asked myself (and my partner) all of those questions at least 50 times in the 9 months prior to her birth. Some of the answers were easier (we’re both vegetarian and want our girl to grow up that way); others, not so much (like the Santa Claus issue – still not sure).
To echo others’ sentiments – the fact that you’re asking these questions and want to be able to answer them before having a child, if ever, I think shows that at least you wouldn’t need to worry too intently as to whether or not you’d be a good mum :-)
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 8:36 am:
your hair is so lovely. and congrats on the new baby sis!
check out my blog:
http://lovefashionrockandroll.blogspot.com/
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 1:49 pm:
okay so this is the first time I’ve wandered over here (after seeing that you met both sarahmariep and wishcake I knew I was missing out on something) and this post is an AMAZINGLY-PERFECT-EXACTLY-HOW-I-FEEL-MAKE-MY-DAY kind of post. haha. All the way down to the question on Santa Claus. Really it’s crazy to read an entire blog sayig “Yes.. mmmhmmm… exactly” the whole time through. We have kind of answered most of the questions between my husband and I, but now it’s just waiting until we have more money because we know we want to private school (a secular one up here in the bay area, NOT religious). And we really enjoy the time that is just the two of us, so we’re happy waiting.
(btw this logical person talking?? she will be gone in a instant that there is a baby in front of her and her uterus will take over for a bit.. but eventually my mind regains control)
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 2:17 pm:
@ VoteAudrey: Thank you so much for your point of view, as well as the congratulations! ;]
@ anonymous: I was completely expecting a ill-tempered response, but I was not at all offended! If anything, I was left thinking, because the way you expressed things gave me a different perspective. You’re absolutely right! & I thank you so much for being candid with me. You’ve definitely given me something to think about.
@ Nina: aww, thanks. :] (Even though I don’t feel like I should be saying thank you to a compliment you are giving HER! But I’ll speak for her.)
@ sensi: thank you so very much. I’m so glad that this post has spoken to you so deeply. & I find it interesting that I’m not the only “young one” who considers these things as well. Thanks. :]
@ katelin: thank you! & you’re right, I think that’s the only thing anyone can do. I’m realizing that now.
@ Vanity: thanks, love! How thoughtful! :]
@ wishcake: I am completely over-analytical too, if you haven’t noticed. & I laughed a little at the people who constantly ask you on a weekly basis if you’re going to have children. How annoying! I think I would scream the next time it was asked, lol. ;]
@ cassie: So I suppose it never ends! Sigh.
@ WendyB: that’s what my father says. He said that she doesn’t take to many people, & that she really liked me. Which is strange, because I’m not quite good with babies. =]
@ tiphaine: I’m a little confused by your comment, but I do hope that you weren’t offended by my question about bi-racial children. I don’t have a problem with bi-racial children, but I know that the world can be a gruesome place (I would know, I just got called an “ugly nigger” several days ago), & some people won’t accept a person based on their skin color/culture. I am not at all living in fear of racism/prejudice, but I am well-aware that it is there. & I feel that until I can fully accept the idea of racism & to have it not effect me so much on a personal level, I am not ready to teach any child about it… Period.
@ Iris: first off, congratulations on your new little bundle! & thank you so much for your feedback. ;]
@ nat: thank you very much!
@ steph: thank you, steph, for coming on my blog! I really appreciate your comments & your feedback on something like this. I feel happy to know that there are so many people who seem to be feeling the same way I am about children at this point in my life. & to know that you could agree, made me feel less alone! Thank you. ;]
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 3:13 pm:
I’m about to have a baby in May, and I have many (if not all) of those same concerns. The thought of being responsible for raising a child is terrifying. And at the same time, I’m so ready and excited to be a mother.
I know I’ll never be ready – I’m going to screw up, make mistakes, and have many moments of not knowing what I’m doing.
But I also have so much love to give to my future child, a great husband and partner, and the simple desire to be a mom.
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 5:10 pm:
This post was wonderful. Even though I am still young and unmarried, I often wonder if I would want to have children. I often wonder if I would even want to marry (which is it’s own other issue, lol.)
I often think how this world is so corrupt. How as time goes on it just seems to get worse and worse. I often ask questions- would I be able to raise my child as a Christian in such a secular society? But then I think of what the Bible says: Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6 But it is still so frightening to think of being a mother.
Honestly, from what I can tell- if you ever do decide to have children, you will be a great mother. You seem like a very loving person who would want the best for their child- what more can a kid ask for?
And I also don’t think anyone is every really prepared to have children. Just like we aren’t always prepared with any big experiences in our life- but you just live your life to the best of your ability.
I have often considered about adopting when I am older, but we shall see.
All I can say is go on living your life and loving others- even if one day that means loving a child of your own.
on Tuesday, February 10th, 2009 at 7:21 pm:
i’m sorry that you thought i felt offended, how could I :) ? I have been reading your posts for several weeks now and i think that you are a very, very sensitive young woman and your children – if you want to have some one day – would be so lucky to have you as a mom. please don’t think that i wanted to criticize your post, because what shock me is that racism has to be part of your life in 2009 and not that you worry about what your potential child could face.
i would never think you live in fear of racism, and i never experienced what you did, i only wanted to say that having two different cultures cannot be negative, even if it means being rejected sometimes.
but most of all, thank you for reminding your readers that marriage does not necessarily mean babies. you’re inspiring :)
on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 8:12 am:
awww, your little sister is adorable! =)
I’m mainly leaving a message though to say that I have a fashion competition on my blog which is closing soon, and I was wondering if you wanted to enter? As I think you have a pretty good chance of winning. All you need to do is enter a photo of you in your fave outfit, then finalists will be chosen on sunday. The finalists will be put on my blog & visitors will vote for their fave outfit over 2 weeks. There will be a ‘vote for me’ button you can put on your blog if you’re a finalist & want to get more votes. You can read more about it, the prizes, & enter here: http://london–rose.blogspot.com/2009/01/fashion-competition.html
♥ Hannah
((london–rose.blogspot.com))
on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 10:52 am:
Great post on this subject. I feel many people don’t ask themselves the right questions when making the decision to have children. It sounds like you have.
I have always wanted children since I was very young. I was positive I was going to be a mother before the age of thirty. Of course the realities of life…my life had to set in (horrible marriage, divorce that drained me dry financially, infertility, then stillbirth, now getting used to my recent MS diagnosis. I’m now 30 and no babies yet! I may never have them at this point and I have to be OK with that. I’m not sure if I’m OK with that yet.
I think many people decide to have children too young in life. Like I said, let adult life set in first before you make such a huge decision. Also consider that you may not have the choice to have children. You can choose NOT to have them, but you may not have the choice TO have them.
on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 11:50 am:
I have a sister who felt much the same as you. She took many years to analyze all sorts of family related questions. She was pretty sure she wanted children eventually, but she kept asking me “When will I really know?” I finally answered, “You won’t.” There is a leap of faith we all take.
But doing your personal “homework” in advance with your mate is crucial. There are many things to consider and the more you’re on the same page, the better it will be for all of you. Take your time and remember, there’s no right or wrong answer… just what’s right for you.
on Wednesday, February 11th, 2009 at 1:09 pm:
Amazing post.
I don’t want kids. I know society shuns me for this but luckily my parents totally understand and support this. My boyfriend’s parents? Eh, not sure if I will get off as easily.
Who knows, I may change my mind when I am 35. But I have not an ounce of motherly instinct. And I don’t have a single reason why I SHOULD have kids.
If I can’t think of a reason why I should have them or why I should want to have them then I know I don’t want them.
Nothing wrong with that but unfortunately you often have to answer to other people and not yourself.
on Thursday, February 12th, 2009 at 10:33 am:
@ Larissa: Thank you so much for giving your point of view. & congratulations!
@ Krissie: Thank you! I think sometimes I am too hard on myself, so to hear outsiders tell me that I would be a great mother is such a compliment. :]
@ tiphaine: No, thank YOU. :]
@ Hannah: I’ll be sure to check it out!
@ Carla: that is great advice (about letting adult life settle in). Thank you so much for contributing. Coming from you, it means a lot.
@ MODlin: thank you so much. I will certainly remember that. ;]
@ Wanderlusting: I’m with you. I can’t really think of a reason to have them myself — other than producing offspring. & that, to me, isn’t enough. :] So I totally know what you mean.
on Thursday, February 12th, 2009 at 7:51 pm:
I’m def not a kid/baby person at.all. Soooo I think it’s going to be interesting to just go about life and see if the “baby fever” hits me. I want to have a kid once I really, really, really want to have a kid. I think that will be soooo exciting! But before then, I’m just going to enjoy the life John and I have created for each other. I wonder how old I’ll be when I actually want to have kids? Guess I’ll have to wait and see! Oh, and although I don’t really like kids/babies I think I’d like my own kids so I can go on camping adventures and such with my own kids and Johnny one day. That sounds like fun!
on Sunday, February 22nd, 2009 at 8:02 pm:
I stumbled onto this blog and it was like I had written this post. I am always being questioned “when”. I find when I’m questioned I become even more defensive about my choice and most likely sound like I hate children, which I don’t, but I do find they have disgusting moments and for the life of me I refuse to change a poopy diaper.
I often think about the religion aspect which can be so tricky and half the time I am still questioning everything that I believe.
You are not alone obviously, I’ve enjoyed reading your post as well as the replies. I respect people who go into parenthood with their eyes open, but it seems in today’s society they may be mostly closed.
on Monday, February 23rd, 2009 at 11:26 am:
You’re right to ask these questions. Too many people create children because it’s “what comes next”, or even just what their husband/wife/parents/siblings/friends expect (or maybe what their friends are all doing too). And that’s not a good idea for anyone’s wellbeing – certainly not the child.
I don’t know if I want children. I tell people I don’t, because right now I don’t and nobody can predict the future. I think they interpret that as “she’s not met the right man yet” or “she’s just not at that age yet” (“just wait until your clock starts ticking”), which frankly hacks me off. I think it’s a valid choice and one that women are entitled to make, even when it doesn’t conform to the expectations of those around them. Now as I’m getting older I do sometimes see life more as a cycle, and wonder if I’m breaking it in a way that is going to come back and bite me in 20 years time… but there’s other ways I can contribute to the cycle of life, so I’m not too worried at the moment.
Good luck with reflecting on these big questions, and don’t expect your own personal answers to come immediately – even if everyone else does ;)
on Monday, March 2nd, 2009 at 6:42 am:
I’m twenty and my husband is twenty-two. We’ve been married for almost nine months… We have been asked several times about children, but we’re definitely not there yet. Before, I wanted to have children at a young age; now that I’m married and it’s a possibility, I’m definitely wanting to wait several years, at least!
I ask myself some of the very same questions, but the one big questions is, “Which would I regret more? If I don’t have kids, will I regret it in the future? If I do have kids, will I regret that in the future?” And I think my decision is, if I don’t have kids, I’ll regret that way more.
on Tuesday, March 10th, 2009 at 3:03 pm:
I’m a meat eater who does my best to be healthy, but does eat junk food in moderation. I’m also a good person but not at all religious. Makes your questions a lot easier to answer I suppose.
I’m white and my lover is Korean and people just know mixed babies are the cutest. That’s why we can’t escape the nagging from friends and fam wanting us to reproduce. ;) I’m assuming your sitch is similar.
on Thursday, August 6th, 2009 at 11:33 am:
[...] 6, 2009 by frogsinatree I was reading a blog posting today, over on apricot tea called before you ask, the answer is no which is actually an older blog posting. This posting [definitely read the posting before you [...]
on Thursday, November 12th, 2009 at 9:19 pm:
I think it’s semi-hilarious how long ago this was posted and I’m just now commenting. But, if/ when you have a child, I’m sure you will be a great mother, however, being an only child I do have something to say about that. Being an only does have it’s up side. There are several perks, one being that only children do happen to be a little more spoiled than children with siblings. On the other hand, I have three cousins on my mother’s side. All siblings, and extremely close knit. Watching that is honestly painful for me because I know I will never have that kind of relationship with anyone. And because they are so much older than I am, (I’m 17, the youngest of them is 24)I often wonder what will happen once my mother and aunt die. I always have a suspicion that we will no longer communicate. There have been several occasions where it’s been a cause for tears. Although this sounds mildy horrible, if you raise your child to be a strong, independant individual as my mother did, they will be able to get through anything.
Also, I have to say, don’t be surprised if when/if they get here, they walk around singing/talking to themselves all day long. Because when I was 4-7 I watched Disney movies like no other, and I would honestly just walk around the house all day singing the songs to myself. Apperantly, I was a talker too- Just talking- not to anyone in particular. I think as an only child, you spend a lot of time in your own head, even at a young age.
Best of luck, I really hope any of this gave you some insight on that particular question.
on Tuesday, December 22nd, 2009 at 10:51 am:
Wow, this was a great post.
I’m 24, have been married for 2 years and get this question a lot–or outright hints that it’s coming. I struggle with a lot of the same questions you do about raising a child and I also feel that while they’re fun to play with or even babysit, I can’t see myself being a mother right now (probably ever).
Additionally, there’s the issue of my husband’s mental health, which can get pretty bad. It’s something I accepted and knew I’d have to live with when I married him. And I do my best to help him practice good mental health habits he’s discovered in therapy. But I don’t want our hypothetical children to hear their dad question whether his life has any meaning or whether we should just all kill ourselves. His father is like that and sometimes I want to shut him up when he does it in front of my 13-year-old BIL. I know it had a bad effect on my husband as a kid and teenager.
Sometimes I get stressed knowing that people will KEEP asking until I have one, so probably until I hit menopause. But even then, it’s on to the pregnancy advice and the child-rearing advice, so I’m not having a baby just to shut them up!
on Wednesday, December 30th, 2009 at 2:23 pm:
You will never be truly ready for children. No matter what. I never wanted children, at all, I don’t like children either. But then surprise, I had one, and I love her. And all of these questions will be answered, with love. Not at first, but you will know in your heart the true answer. And you won’t know the answers UNTIL you have the kid. That’s the trouble with it all.