It’s a constant question for any young married couple: When will you start a family?
For me, this question comes in many forms:
- “When’re you going to give me some grandchildren?”
- “When’re you going to give me some great-grandchildren?”
- “You guys should make some babies already!”
- “So… when will we see your belly start to grow, Ev’Yan?”
- “When you have a baby…”
- “You & Jonathan will make some gorgeous little babies!”
I remember when I first announced my elopement at work. It was met with a few raised eyebrows, but for the most part, a lot of congratulatory wishes. & the very first question that people asked right after I finished gushing about my rendezvous in Las Vegas was: “So… when are you gonna have a baby?” (Because, apparently, “first comes love, then comes marriage, & then comes a baby in a baby carriage.”)
I hate to admit that this bothered me — because it’s just a question, after all — but it did.
I mean, yes… babies are adorable; & yes, babies can be physical evidence of the love you have within your marriage, but is it mandatory for every couple? Well… no, of course not! I mean, it’s not as though people are actually demanding that you have babies right after you marry… But is it a preconditioned assumption? Is it automatically expected? Yes, I think so… & I hate that.
When I put myself in the hot seat, I found it quite interesting that one of the more popular questions — aside from, “What compelled you to get married so young?” — was “Are you planning on having children soon?” & my answer was…
“The saying ‘It’s a nice place to visit but you wouldn’t want to live there’ completely embodies my feelings about kids. They’re cute, they’re adorable… as long as they’re not mine.”
Lately, I’ve been thinking very much about this: about why society is constantly pressing this question, & about why my answer is “No.” I’ve realized that it goes so much deeper than “not seeing myself as mother-material” or “not having enough money” or “because we’re living in an apartment & would like to start a family in a house.” It’s so much more than that; & meeting my littlest sister reconfirmed this.
It’s the questions I have in my mind about having a child; the deep “What if?” questions that seem absolutely far-fetched, but are completely relevant to the type of world we live in today.
I’ve told myself that until I can answer these puzzling questions, I will not have any children — even if it means they’ll never be answered. Naturally, some of these questions could easily be answered with, “Well of course I would love/support/cherish/be there for the child!” But… that’s not enough for me; I need real answers.
& while many people will say, “Oh, you’re still young! You’ve got plenty of time to make up your mind about babies!”, I am completely firm on my belief about this.
The questions:
- What would I do if my child was born with some kind of birth defect/disability?
- What would I do if my child told me he/she was transgendered at a young age?
- Would I want to raise my child to be vegetarian as I am now, or to be a meat-eater as I was when I was growing up? (The answer seems obvious… but is it really?) & now that Jonathan is 80% raw vegan, would I want to raise my child in that way?
- What spiritual upbringing would I give my child? Christianity, like I was raised? Mormonism, like Lover was raised? Could I really tell them that they will go to hell if they do not ask for forgiveness of their sins? Could really I tell them that — by the Bible’s standards — they will go to hell if they are gay? (I want them to know the truth, & not from some institutionalized belief system.)
- Will I tell them about Santa Claus? (There are personal reasons behind my asking this question.) Would I want to give them every ridiculous toy for Christmas? & if I didn’t, how would I keep them from feeling left out among their peers?
- How would I talk to them about sex, & how would I talk about their sexuality? Would I tell them that masturbation & sex before marriage — by the Bible’s standards — is sinful? & would I tell them the truth about MY not being a virgin when I was married?
- How would I discipline? Could I really spank my child? (Again, the answer seems obvious… but is it really?)
- Would I homeschool my child — like my sister & I were — or will I put them through public school? Or maybe private school?
- Would I truly be able to keep my child’s morals intact, in a society full of hypocrisy, corruption, greed, & envy? In a society that is completely run by consumerism? How would I keep my child feeling confident & beautiful in the midst of those things?
- If I have one baby, does that mean I must have another? Am I comfortable with the idea of my child possibly being an only?
- Could I really feel right about adding another human life onto this already overpopulated planet, when there are so many other little ones without homes & families? It seems better to adopt…
- Am I prepared to face judgment (& racism) for having a bi-racial child? Am I prepared to face the insecurities my child might have for being two races?
I cannot answer any of these questions without some sort of hesitation or deep brooding.
I’ve heard it said once that being a parent is a learning experience; that as you & your child grow, so will your intuitions & maternal instincts. I understand this, but something just doesn’t seem right about diving right in; for me, at least. Yes, there are books you can read to guide you along… but I don’t think that having a baby should be like that; like a test you will be taking, & therefore, you have to study & study until you have the confidence that you will pass with flying colors.
I think, for some women, it’s doable: they can easily let the chips fall where they may, adapt to their surroundings, hoping for the best, while getting much needed advice from their own mothers or fathers. But for me… I can’t do it. It doesn’t feel right.
Or… maybe I am way off; maybe all of this is coming out of me because of lack of experience. Maybe I would be a great mother. Maybe I would get the hang of it eventually. Maybe all of the questions would answer themselves in time.
Even so, I feel that when it comes to life in the form of a tiny little baby, that’s an awful lot of “maybes.”
____________________