01|16|2009
scary movies.
[disclaimer: as serious as I can seem in this blog, I am really very goofy. I laugh at my own jokes & make up silly stories with my overactive imagination. & while I don't fully believe in disclaimers, I felt the need to warn you, if by chance this post comes out of no where. For people who know me, this is just typical Ev'Yan nonsense.]
A few weeks ago, Lover & I watched the movie The Strangers (which features supermodel Gemma Ward as one of the maniacs, if you didn’t know) & I was completely engrossed. Not so much in sheer belief — because I knew it’s just a movie, after all — but because I was so wrapped up in it emotionally. I was absolutely baffled by the decisions this victimized couple have made together while being tormented, & I couldn’t help but wonder things.
Here, I’ll give an example:
The demented bad guy has made his presence known; he’s been in the house, & is making sounds just to mess with the innocent couple. It seems as though he is outside now, planning his next move… & it could be a fatal one.
The attractive boyfriend is in a panic, which is mixed with high levels of roaring testosterone. He looks at his pretty girlfriend — who is near ballistic — & says: “I’ve got to go out there! I’ve gotta settle this once & for all!” He then cocks his rifle & starts for the door.
The pretty girlfriend blurts out incredulously, “What?! You’re leaving me?!! You can’t leave me alone in this house! Are you crazy?! What if he comes back? You CAN’T LEAVE ME!!!” She starts to cry. The attractive boyfriend reassures her in a firm tone, saying: “Get a hold of yourself! I’m coming back, okay? I just need to teach this asshole a lesson. Just wait here & don’t make a sound, okay? I’ll be right back!”
Naturally, those are the last words he utters. There are some sharp screams, a few groans, & alas, he has met his demise. The demented killer will inevitably go after the pretty girlfriend next.
Now, I’m staring at the screen completely dumbfounded. I shout out loud, “He did NOT just leave her in the house! Oh my god, are you kidding me?! He would leave his girlfriend, the love of his bloody life, in the house with that psycho?!”
As I’m getting myself all worked up, I look over at Lover, who hasn’t seemed to have heard me. Again, I start up: “Babe!? Can you believe this mess? This is so jacked up! How could he do such a thing?!” Lover mumbles something in agreement & goes back to watching the movie. (Apparently, I am the only one silly enough to get emotionally involved with the characters in this film.)
Suddenly, I turn to him & I ask right in the middle of the movie, “Honey… would you leave ME there in the house, all alone, with that psycho roaming about?” He looks at me & says “No” … & I believe him.
That is when I decided there needs to be a conversation that wives (or girlfriends) have with their significant others about how a situation might go down if by chance there is a psycho (or a ghost) terrorizing them. Because no one ever talks about these things, & I feel it is just as important as an emergency evacuation plan. It desperately needs to be discussed!
So while the ending credits rolled for the movie, I proceeded to ask my husband these series of questions, just to make sure all bases were covered. I strongly suggest you have this discussion with your lover.
- “If there was a creepy knock on the door at 4 in the morning, would you be manly & answer it, or would you use common sense & ignore it?”
- “If you heard a strange sound coming from the bedroom — which is completely dark — would you proceed to check it out without the proper tools: a flashlight, full body armor, & a loaded gun? Or would you go in nothing but your skivvies, blatantly unprepared?”
- “If you know that the bad guy was creeping around outside, would you try to be the hero & catch him, leaving me alone in the house, or would you stay & protect me?”
- “In the whole scheme of scary events — weird phone calls, scratching noises on the windows, whispering voices, footsteps –would you leave me at all?”
- “What if the bad guy was standing right in front of you, with an axe in one hand & the head of one of our friends in the other… would you calmly ask, ‘What do you want from us? Why are you doing this?’ Or would you charge towards the bastard, & try to kick him where it hurts?”
- “If we ever had to move, would you choose a house that was in the middle of no where, with no neighbors, no barking dogs… just trees & dirt?”
If any of these vital questions have been answered insufficiently (& use your best judgment), you may need to come up with a better plan. I am proud to say that my husband passed the Scary Movie test. Will yours?
In every horror film, there are always a series of mistakes made that are detrimental to the victim. Because, had the ground rules been established in the first place, the situation could have easily been avoided. For this reason, it’s crucial that you do not make these mistakes, unless you want to find yourself up a creek without a paddle:
- Going outside, in the middle of the night, in the middle of a windstorm, just because you heard something “funny.”
- You know someone is in the house. You’ve heard them walk in & they have made their presence known. Thus, you feel the need to announce your own presence. So you loudly say, “Hello? Who’s there? Jim, is that you?”
- It’s a dark & stormy night; there is no power & your cell phone isn’t working. You are alone when you hear a repetitive knock — more like a bang! — on the door… & you answer it.
- You & your lover start getting frisky in a dimly lit forest area, away from the nearest highway & no where close to civilization. Naturally, this is a very bad idea.
- You buy a house that is 200 years old, knowing some “rumors” that it might be “haunted” by angry ghosts. You ignore the rumors & hope for the best, while cracking jokes about the house being “haunted.” Not only is it a bad idea to be so naive, but ghosts do not like jokes.
- You see a shadow creep by your bedroom door; you don’t wake your husband because you know he has to work early in the morning, so you investigate by yourself, without any kind of weapon.
Of course, there are many more mistakes that can be made; watch any scary movie for yourself & take note of them. Regardless, I feel like this is something that must be talked about right away. Ask those valuable questions to your lover; tell him to clarify what he means by “It was probably just the wind.” & if he ever utters, “I’m sure it’s just nothing”, make sure that he will reassure you why he thinks it was nothing.
Your relationship depends on this! & here is why:
Suppose you & your lover survived the brutal happenings of a dark & stormy night? & suppose you weren’t able to ignore the fact that he was completely oblivious (or just down right stupid) in those events?
Now… would you really want to sleep next to a man who left you in the house with a crazy person roaming about? Would you really want to have children with a guy who insisted that it was “nothing”, yet he’s missing a leg to contradict that statement?
& how could you EVER help someone who didn’t think to help you in the middle of danger? You probably won’t want to get him that glass of water, or even make him dinner, for that matter! The disappointment & embarrassment of your lover’s actions will haunt you more than the ghost ever did…
:]
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Q: what are your favorite horror/psychological thriller movies?
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 12:24 pm:
Hahaha, you are so right. Great analyzation. I mirror your feelings about scary movies and thrillers when it comes to the “mistakes” and other “he/she did not just do that” moments.
As for my favorite thriller, it’d have to be a tie between”Gothika” and “The Ring.” But more the former than the latter.
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 12:57 pm:
that blog is great!! I too recently watched that movie with my fella and thought the same things. I agree those are questions you must ask if your relationship is to survive. tee hee.
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 4:35 pm:
heee, this is delightful. it’s funny, i told the lover living here that if i ever went missing, i’d bite something & leave a clue… i have crooked bottom teeth so it would be pretty unique. i saw an episode of forensic files once where a woman did that and they figured out where she was. i thought i was being paranoid, glad to have a partner in such! :)
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 6:18 pm:
Ok, so right now I’m a little upset with you for putting that picture up. I am very skittish and easily freaked out by such things, seriously…I couldn’t sleep for a week after seeing the TRAILOR for that movie.
My boyfriend definitely knows better, he’s a horror buff so he’s pretty down with the rules for staying alive in a horror movie. ;)
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 6:48 pm:
Hahahaha, great post. Great advice, getting frisky in abandoned areas isn’t always a great idea.
I think my fave horror movie is Shutter. The Thai version. But I also have a fond memory of my ex and I watching The Ring and he made us walk out after the first 30 minutes!
on Friday, January 16th, 2009 at 11:20 pm:
this is fabulous! i saw the strangers this past summer and the only part i really liked about it was the joanna newsom song that skipped on the record player.
on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 4:41 am:
first time on your blog :) very nice!
on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 8:39 am:
Oh I love this post lol You make me laugh, Ev’Yan.
I can’t handle ANY scary movies at all – I lose my shit. They’ll be in my dreams & thoughts for months afterward, and because Mister leaves on business semi-frequently that’s a recipe for disaster.
So my favourite psychological thriller?
Probably Wall-e.
on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 5:09 pm:
haha, too funny!
My favourite psychological thriller would have to be The Machinist–but there were no lovers in that movie.
The movies I usually watch with couples and scary messed up things happening are like movies about drug use and the messed up whirlwind that causes in a relationship.
Like: Requiem for a Dream…that movie will reduce you to tears if you haven’t already seen it, and so will Candy starring Heath Ledger and some…very pretty girl or other….Abbie Cornish! Yes, lovely movie…in a very very sad sort of way.
Those movies really make you yell “why the hell would you even do that?!” but at the same time you’re sympathizing…really messed up.
on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 6:58 pm:
I love this post! I have always been a horror movie fan. When I started dating my now living boyfriend, I asked him similar questions to the ones you posted. It’s a good thing he pass or we wouldn’t be living together right now. My favorite horror movies is always going to be Halloween. There are a lot good horror movies out there, but that one always comes to mind when someone ask that. Interesting post!!!
on Saturday, January 17th, 2009 at 10:39 pm:
Oooh, I can’t stand horror movies. They freak me out! But I love all of Hitchcock’s films. They keep me on my toes, but feeling safe enough.
You know, while in Greece I actually had to deal with a situation like that…these two creepy guys followed a girl into our apartment building and some of us had to rally and come to her rescue!
on Sunday, January 18th, 2009 at 9:16 am:
You now have me intrigued to watch.
As cheesy as it may sound, I really like When A Stranger Calls (with Camilla Belle) xx
=]
on Sunday, January 18th, 2009 at 2:39 pm:
You have no idea how much this entry made me smile and laugh! I suppose a true test of a relationship would be when the psycho killer is coming after you.
As for my favorite scary movies–”I know what you did last summer” (the first one) and “Scream” have a special place in my heart always. “Psycho” is also a personal favorite because it freaked me out so much the first time I watched it.
on Sunday, January 18th, 2009 at 4:29 pm:
Haha, I must say, your analysis is pretty impressive.
My favorites are The (new) Amityville Horror, and Hide & Seek. Check ‘em out! =)
on Monday, January 19th, 2009 at 1:02 am:
haha this one was one of the best post ever written and read. i totally agree!!!! i also never understood why the protagonists would never put on the light when they enter dark rooms. well…
i liked the first part of the exorcism of emily rose, but then again, as a horror it was average. i have not come across a really good horror just yet. i want to REALLY be frightened. i have tried several for a couple of months, tho. dont know if i am too demanding?
on Monday, January 19th, 2009 at 6:56 pm:
oh my god, I so agree with you. I got that movie out to watch by myself and so i did & the things that made me wonder was exactly what you said. Just the other night me and by boyfriend heard noises outside in the backyard and instead of him “being the man” and go out there to check himself he actually got a torch and a knife and asked me to come with him just in case it was really something. I automatically called back to that movie and i cant help but thought it was sweet of him ahaaa. But in the end it was just a stupid dumb cat trying to get my dog’s food.
on Saturday, January 24th, 2009 at 9:11 am:
I laughed during this entire post, because this whole thing is SO ME. I love it! I am always like that – even after watching crime shows and such. I’m always, “Eh, Jay? What would you do if a serial killer was hiding in the closet?” or “Jay? You’d never leave me for a dental hygenist and murder me in cold blood, would you?”
Oh, the things husbands must deal with. Heehee.
I remember really liking “What Lies Beneath” and “The Ring” when I was younger. I hate gory movies, and have always been a fan of the psychological triller type movies, instead. To get my creepy-fix. Although, I must say, I can’t watch “The Strangers” because just thinking about the preview gives me nightmares. During the day, even. Gahhhh.
on Tuesday, January 27th, 2009 at 10:37 pm:
This is incredible advice, I’m going run through these questions with S. in a bit to make sure he truly is perfect :).
Wherever I am, I always make sure I know where all the exits are, and I make sure I know a few places to hide and all of the objects that could possibly be used as a weapon. I am only a little neurotic…
on Sunday, February 1st, 2009 at 12:58 pm:
Loved this entry. So true and made me laugh. And also inspired me to write my own thoughts on scary movies. :)
on Friday, February 6th, 2009 at 10:59 am:
I thought those same things when I watched that! And I think about that stuff all the time LOL. Here’s a great scary movie survival guide you’ll probably get a kick out of – http://nac.tamu.edu/x075bb/survival.html
on Friday, February 6th, 2009 at 11:00 am:
Oh yeah, PS, after I watched The Strangers I couldn’t sleep for 2 nights. But, I did think it was really “based on a true story” when I watched it so that’s my excuse LOL.
on Thursday, April 16th, 2009 at 4:37 pm:
haha! This is insane- we watched this about 2 nights ago, and at one point I turned to my husband too and went ‘WOULD YOU LEAVE ME LIKE THAT?’ and he just said ‘Course not baby!’
Didn’t think so.
Still, had to be sure.
AND, I also kept insisting that THIS was why I never want to move to the countryside in Ireland (where he is from) and live in a big house far from anyone else.
Our largest debate as husband and wife thus far.