12|15|2008
the nitty-gritty of love & domestication.
disclaimer: this piece that I’ve written could be deemed as “too much information.” So read at your own risk, & laugh while doing so.
____________________
When Lover & I first moved in together, I wasn’t very worried at all. I wasn’t worried about waking up with nasty bedhead, foul breath & a bad case of the “grumpies.” (He loves me still, even so.) I wasn’t worried about him leaving the toilet seat up. I wasn’t worried about putting my embarrassing toiletries in the cabinet for him to see; the tampons, the upper lip peach fuzz remover. & I was hardly worried about his reaction to me being sans makeup. (We had many, many sleepovers before making the big plunge to living together.)
What worried me the most — & I just know I’m going to regret talking about this in a few hours, but it needs to be said — was pooping in front of him. Yes, pooping; the funniest word I’ve ever heard, & one I use lightly to take the edge off. (I’ll say things like, “I’m having a poopy day” or “I’ve got a headache, & I’m feeling poopy about it.”)
Pooping in the presence of Lover terrified me. I mean, it literally kept me up at night sometimes. Because I am the type of girl who will not go in public restrooms unless it’s an emergency. Say, we’ve been traveling for 2 hours straight in a hot car & I just drank a half a liter of water. Or… I desperately need to change a tampon, as the 6-8 hour time frame has expired. Those, to me, are emergencies. If I just have the slight urge to “go” I won’t. I’ll hold it ’till kingdom come. I don’t feel like it’s appropriate to share my bathroom business with anyone, let alone perfect strangers. Same with the perfect strangers. I don’t want to hear the sound of your pee hitting the toilet water; & I certainly don’t want to hear the grunts & grimaces of people doing the dirty deed. No thank you.
So, with all of these privacy issues I have when using public bathrooms, it’s only appropriate that I would feel the same way when it comes to “going” in front of Lover. I had even tried to convince him once that women simply don’t poop; that they’re too pretty & lady-like to do such a thing. (Lover faked like he believed me, but naturally, he wasn’t born yesterday.)
One time, we were watching local television. I remember that an episode of Girlfriends was on, & it was about the main character’s fear of pooping in front of her boyfriend. Watching this made me feel less alone in my thoughts, but it certainly reinforced the fear. In the episode, she ends up “going for it” because she feels like their relationship is at a comfortable & trusting point, so she “goes” & ends up clogging the toilet, forcing a plumber to come in & fix the pipes. I laughed along with the show — that IS hilarious, you must admit! — but inside I was terrified. I thought, Oh my god… that will totally happen to ME!
So casually, after the show was over, I asked Lover, “Honey… what do you think about… poop?” He laughed & said something about it being a completely natural thing to do; then he said something about how he would worry if I didn’t poop. I said, “So… if I smelled up the bathroom, you wouldn’t think less of me?” Now I felt like I was going to cry, because the thought of this just shook me so. He laughed a little & said quite calmly, “No, I wouldn’t think less of you.”
His voice was kind & soothing; & I believe he even kissed me to reassure me that he was telling the truth. But I was still not sure about this whole pooping thing. I tried my best to think of ideas where I could evade it in such a way that I could prove my myth that “good girls don’t poop.” Everything I thought about, from holding it until after he went to sleep to not doing it at all (!!!), seemed completely irrational & totally un-doable. I knew that there was no other way around it; I was going to have to poop in front of him eventually. & it’s funny that I say, “in front of him” because naturally, I would close the door to give myself some privacy. I wasn’t raised in a trashcan, of course. But that’s how I viewed it; pooping at all would be like keeping the door wide open & letting it all hang out.
When we finally moved in together, I remember feeling complete anxiety about the whole thing, trying to prolong it as much as possible. To no avail; when nature calls, even if you don’t answer… it will leave a voice mail. There is no question about it.
I remember feeling the “urge,” if you will, & wishing that I could just drop dead right there. I was feeling complete dread & humiliation, & I hadn’t even entered the bathroom yet! So what did I do to calm myself down? I announced it: “Honey, I think I have to poop!” Oh, of all the mortifying things to say when you’re an adult, but it took the edge off. He laughed understandingly, if only he could, & said very dramatically, “Okay. It’s time.” He went on to say that I had no reason to act so silly about something so very natural. He said that it was ridiculous for me to feel so ashamed & embarrassed. I was feeling a little hopeful now. “So… you’ll still love me if I poop?” I asked. He nodded. “You’ll still love me even if I smell up the bathroom?” He laughed & said, “Yes! I will still love you if you smell up the bathroom, now go, Babe! Aye!”
So I went; no need to elaborate on this. When I walked out, I had a look on my face like I broke a priceless vase & the shatter could be heard all around the world. Lover saw my sheepishness & approached me with open arms, saying, “Aww, Babe. You did it. See, was it all that bad?” I nodded, humiliated & near tears, but happy to be in his arms.
& I suppose that is when I knew I had to marry this man. He was the only guy I had pooped in front of, & he was so understanding & loving about it. He didn’t make a spectacle out of it, exclaiming, “Woo, Babe! What did you DO in there? Lord, Jesus, help me!!” He just… let it go. How could I deny the endearingness of that?
Not just that, but I didn’t want to go through the bloody torture all over again with another fellow, so I felt it only necessary to marry him, so as to save me from my own embarrassment the next time around. (& this is the truth. I mean, of course I married Jonathan because he is a charming, considerate, sexy man… but the pooping thing played a huge factor.)
My advice to young couples: You might think you should be with your lover for the rest of your life. You might already have your wedding dress picked out! But before you make ANY legal attachments, please make sure that your relationship is secure enough that if you did happen to make a stinky in the bathroom, your lover wouldn’t think thrice about it. After all, us women are supposed to suck it up when our men fart & burp & carryon with such nonsense. We should be able to let it all hang out if we so choose — though I wouldn’t recommend taking it that far. What I’m trying to say is: before you marry him, for Heaven’s sake make sure you can poop in front of him. This is the ultimate indictation of trust & understanding.
:]
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 10:46 am:
Oh my gosh – you’re too funny, I thought you LITERALLY meant in front of him for a little while as I was reading this.
I’m glad that you’re getting more comfortable with yourself! This seems to me to be one of those growing up things, you have to come to terms with all aspects of yourself – not just the nice things, or you’re never going to grow as a person.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 10:47 am:
ok, that was funniest & sweetest thing i’ve read.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 11:12 am:
I have issues with pooping in public bathrooms too. I don’t even poop at work unless its an emergency, but at home, I’m strangely comfortable with it in from of my fiancée. I’m glad I’m not the only one who doesn’t do it in public though. :)
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 12:03 pm:
I really do think poop is a good relationship tester! Totally anecdotal evidence, some girlfriends and I were talking about it and only one of us was comfortable with her husband knowing her pooping situation, the rest of us were still trying to deny we ever went. We poo-time-hiders all ended up divorced…. and now I’m married to a man I can poop in front of.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 12:18 pm:
@ Kyla Bea: You’re so right. I’m just glad that I’m past that situation… although, I still have my moments of humiliation.
@ theshortchick: Haha! Thank you, love! ;]
@ Carla: Oh, pooping in public is such a no-no in my book. Actually, doing anything that involves your bodily fluids in public is a no-no to me… that being tears, vomit, & so on.
@ Belle: Aww, haha! Your story was so cute & inspirational. :] Thank you for sharing. I was reluctant to post this because I wasn’t sure people would be able to relate, or if they could see the humor behind it. I’m so glad it was taken lightly & seriously at the same time. =]
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 12:32 pm:
i have the same fear and when me and the boy went on our first holiday i was so scared, and was having worst-case scenario dreams. when we got to the hotel, he went and was like ‘oh my god the toilet’s really small and it won’t go down!’ and i was sooooooo relieved that he was the one to find that out! if that had been me i would have quietly run out and got a plane home! for the whole week i only went in the toilet in the lobby. i too share a fear of public toilets and never did a ‘number two’ at school or university.
love your blog x
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 1:48 pm:
What an amusing post! :)
I was very nervous about pooping (or peeing) in front of each of my boyfriends when we first started dating.
Gradually, the anxiety dissipated, to the point where I feel fine telling my husband that I’m pooping now.
Ha. Too much information?
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 5:55 pm:
haha, what a great post. and i am totally in the same boat. granted it goes both ways, we just don’t like pooping even when the other person is in the apartment, haha. but really who likes other people knowing that you pooped. oh well, i’ll get over it eventually. :)
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 6:18 pm:
This is going to sound totally ironic but *lovely* story.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 6:23 pm:
This is so true! I was always SO scared that my boyfriend would be so turned off by me if I were to make the bathroom smell…or even farting in front of him. My biggest fear was waking up in the morning next to him and realizing I had a “woman” leak on the sheets.
But one day, I accidentally had a leak on my jeans and he was so sweet about it. I was feeling so awful and crampy that he even cleaned it out for me! It was then that I realized I had an amazing man.
Hahaha! TMI, I know. But cute story, huh?
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 6:43 pm:
Aww, this is a very sweet and completely adorable story. I completely get what you’re saying, and your other is too sweet.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 7:07 pm:
Wow, I thought I was the only one with this problem! Your story made me laugh hysterically out loud.. my son looked at me like I was crazy.
I’ve been with my DH for 5 1/2 years now, and I still felt the same way as you after we got married. Not because I didn’t trust him, but my own personal reasons of just thinking it’s gross. I still refuse to poop in public restrooms, and I’d still prefer to go at home when no one else is there. But I think my husband would seriously think something was wrong if I never pooped, haha.
Thanks for sharing this! So glad someone feels the exact same as I had felt for a LONG time. And glad you got over it too!
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 7:10 pm:
I LOVE THISSS! i love your honesty, and your adorable anecdotes, and you! you’re just super fab.
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 8:26 pm:
That was totally amusing and truthful in a way that makes me appreciate you even more! This had a huuuge impact on me.
;)
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 11:16 pm:
This post had me rolling on the floor and giggling for quite some time :). But your advice is so spot on, and I wish more young women could understand this. You see so many young engaged couples out there where the girl is completely obsessed with the pomp and circumstance of a big and beautiful wedding. But you know these girls are going to get a big smack of reality the very next day.
Ugh, sorry to rant, I’ve been browsing a lot of bridal/wedding planning websites lately and it raises all sorts of hackles. Good post though!
on Monday, December 15th, 2008 at 11:30 pm:
Oh wow, you summed up my sentiments EXACTLY! I remember the distress I felt after breaking up with my ex, wondering how on earth I’d ever become comfortable doing it ‘in front of’ another man again!
I used to make up all sorts of excuses to rush home if I felt the ‘urge’, back when my Lover and I were in the first flush of our romance (pardon the pun). This post makes me feel better for being such a weirdo about it :-D
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 6:17 am:
It’s just hilarious, I couln’t stop laughing for 5 minutes straight.
And I’m with you in the poop- commitment issue.
As Chekov said “Any idiot can face a crisis, it’s day to day living that wears you out”.
by the way, I just discovered your blog last week and I’m hooked. In an ancient post you asked who were the people who read you, well I’m from Spain, I’m female, 28 years-old and a veterinarian.
So excuse my use of the Shakespeare language (I’m much, much better at the Cervantes language, I swear), and receive a big thanks for all the laughs and the good ideas you send our way.
Anna.
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 9:06 am:
Hey…I stumbled upon your blog, and have seriously been reading it for over an hour. You are great – so down to earth and real.
Plus, your fashion is amazing.
I have recently started my own blog
http://fabulosityfactor.blogspot.com/
and I would really love your fashion input and advice, if you have a chance.
Thank you so much for your inspiring words, my dear…
Indy
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 9:44 am:
I am rolling on the floor laughing at this! My boyfriend truly believes girls don’t poop and I’m happy to keep his beliefs well intact… :)
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 10:46 am:
@ everyone: I am so glad that this post was understood properly. I was afraid that it was too forward & would be taken like a gross thing. :] All of your comments have made me laugh. I’m glad we’re all not alone in this…
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 1:38 pm:
Lol this is so funny and sweet..
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 3:34 pm:
Hey darling. Your parcel arrived yesterday evening and may I just say THANK YOU SO MUCH! I sent off a Christmas card today, although it may not arrive until AFTER Christmas. Again, thank you so much darling. .It was such a nice surprise!
<3
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 7:32 pm:
As usual, I commend your eloquence and your candor! And I must say, I think I’m missing this fear of the stinky, corporeal self that so many ladies are plagued with. And this puts me in the minority! But I’m kind of glad to be weird in this way. I LOVE being able to effortlessly keep up with the guys in this regard. I don’t know how many times I’ve had some guy friend who thought he was giving me a hard time by going “Hey, why’d you take so long in the bathroom?” and just knocked him on his ASS by responding “Oh just now? I was just taking a MONSTER SHIT. Ten pounds lighter, I swear.”
Compounding this lack of self consciousness is the dynmic my boyfriend and I thrive on most of the time (and I guess always have), which is based largely on laughter, silliness and teasing. I don’t think we’d even been together a year before we were yelling “Did you just fart? HA! YOU FARTED! FART KNOCKER!!!” A couple of years ago, the card on the Valentine’s day flowers he sent me at work came with a card that said “I love you, stinkbat.” (I don’t remember where the “bat” part came from.)
You can imagine how years of unaffected, unadulterated intimacy have only made this all the more ridiculous.
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 8:59 pm:
I laughed out loud at this story!
on Tuesday, December 16th, 2008 at 11:26 pm:
I just laughed my head off. I think I might be laughing for days! This is both funny and sweet.
Two things:
1) Are you familiar with this Jonathan Swift poem?
http://plagiarist.com/poetry/8049/
2) It could have been worse. At least you’re not like my dog Gigi who poops then eats it. Imagine if you had to explain that? “Lover, I need to poop — then eat it! Do you mind?”
on Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 at 7:46 am:
HEE HEE! Your so funny! loved this
x
on Wednesday, December 17th, 2008 at 10:18 pm:
You are too funny — and I can def relate to this post! I had the same problem when John and I first moved in. Hmmm maybe I should blog about it, if I dare!
on Thursday, December 18th, 2008 at 7:07 am:
Ha, I didn’t think anyone could write so sweetly about the dreaded p-word. I’m really pathetic – I can’t even write it out. I loved your post, and best of all, it was wonderful advice. I will have to keep that in mind the next time I am at my boyfrieind’s house :-)
on Sunday, December 21st, 2008 at 9:13 am:
Oh my gosh. The fact that you wrote an entire post about poo makes you even more endearing, if that’s even possible! I love how you tackle these little pieces of relationships and all that – and in doing so, you make each of us feel less alone in our heads. Does that make sense?
I remember being so incredibly paranoid about my husband hearing me pee, especially when we were first together. I’d try to strategically sit on the toilet in a way that would make the least amount of noise. Isn’t that ridiculous? Well, maybe not so ridiculous, now that I think about it. Girls are usually a little funny about things like that.
And don’t even get me started on poo. Jay will poo while I’m doing my hair in the morning and I’m all, “Um, seriously? Gross much lately?”
Oh, married life.
on Friday, April 17th, 2009 at 8:47 am:
[...] On another note, I found Ev’Yan’s blog in my (constant) perusal of fashion blogs, but what really captured me and made me a regular reader of Apricot Tea is not just her impeccably cute and classy style, but also the fact that she is vegetarian, her husband is a raw vegan and motivational guru, and they are both compassionate and clearly have a fantastic love story (both in their past and still in the making). Oh, and here she blogs about poop! [...]
on Thursday, May 7th, 2009 at 5:59 pm:
this was the funniest and truest thing I’ve read in a while. I just moved in with the boy a couple of months ago and it’s been interesting :)
PS: I am just discovering your blog and I absolutely love it! ;)
on Saturday, June 27th, 2009 at 6:19 pm:
pretty hilarious… when I go, I lock the door and stay in there a long time after with the window open until whatever smell go away.