11|07|2008
sweet love letters; you belong to me.
“I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for their religion – I have shuddered at it. I shudder no more. I could be martyred for my religion. Love is my religion & I could die for that. I could die for you.” – John Keats.
Thank goodness it’s Friday. I’ve been listening to swoon-inducing jazz music all week to get me ready for this weekend. (Thank you Stan Getz, Miles Davis, Vince Guaraldi, John Coltrane & Chet Baker.) There is just something about jazz that makes me fall a bit more in love. With the world & with my husband.
Tomorrow is the 2 year anniversary of me & Lover’s first date. I don’t know what to say, really. I am just awe-struck that it has been 2 years; it feels much, much longer. I’m proud that we’ve come this far, through heartbreaking obstacles & silly little fights.
To celebrate, we will be going to Long Beach tomorrow until Sunday, near the convention center where we saw Death Cab for Cutie for one of our first dates. It was a magical night, filled with so many memories. Ever since then, he & I have been dying to go back, to the same hotel we stayed at, just to recreate the ambiance of that night. (& that’s where we’ll be.) I’m excited that we’ve finally stopped talking about it & we’re actually going to do it already. He & I need this time together, to get away from our normal weekend routines, to indulge in each other. While I see him all the time, we hardly spend quality time together. One of us is doing something that doesn’t involve the other. Whether that be reading, writing, watching the news or sleeping. We’re often out of sync.
When I first met Jonathan, I was inspired to start a diary to document our first year of dating. In it, I saved all of the first text messages we ever sent each other, all of the love letters (via email), all of the memorable conversations we had. I wanted to remember every part of our beginning, because it’s so easy to forget. By keeping these letters & conversations, I’m able to put our memories together like a puzzle; it fits precisely together, without force. It’s like reading a story.
The other day, I was reminded of the diary, after not looking at it for over a year. & much to my surprise, I managed to save the very first letter I wrote Jonathan, professing my love to him. I didn’t think I had the letter; I thought I deleted it. But it’s here & it’s such a significant part of our history together. Not to mention… it’s one of the most honest letters I’ve ever written. As an [early] anniversary present, I want to surprise Lover by posting it here, because I don’t believe he knows that I’ve kept it.
(To Jonathan: if you DO actually have it stashed somewhere & you’ve read it since, just pretend like this is a surprise, okay? Please don’t rain on my parade, because I’ll be upset. I might even cry. & you know how ugly I look when I cry…)
A little history behind this letter: This is going to sound ridiculous, but I wrote this letter to him on the night of our second date. A few days later, we said our “I Love You’s” for the first time, & within a week, we were already talking marriage. Yes, the fastness of our relationship sounds absolutely absurd… & it is. But it’s so right & I cannot explain it any further than that.
Jonathan:
It’s very late right now, & at the moment, you are traveling home, but I know that I will not sleep if I don’t tell you what is on my mind right now. I wish I weren’t so shy to tell my true emotions to you — not that I was lying to your face, or anything — but I’ve always had a better way with words through writing, if you haven’t figured that out already. :]
The way I feel right now [which I'll explain in a minute] doesn’t make sense. Simply because I have only been “seeing” you for a week now but… I feel like I have known you forever. Kissing you wasn’t foreign; it felt right & comfortable. I’ve never felt so satisfied or stable with anyone else in such a quick time. Usually it takes me so long before I finally let my guard down; not just with boys, but with friends. With you, I feel like that hurdle came & went from the moment I saw you.
Telling you that I [really] like you doesn’t do much justice in how I really feel. & there is only one word to describe it for me personally, but I don’t want to use it for fear that it is too soon. You know what I mean. So, until then, I’ll use every other verb/adjective to describe how I feel:
I admire you so much. Every word that comes out of your mouth, I want to listen to & copy down in a book so I can read it over & over. You are extremely intelligent; I am very much attracted to your wit & your knowledge. You keep me thinking, you keep me guessing. & I never feel as though I have to dumb-down myself so that you will understand me. Everything about you seems so familiar. Like I dreamed you up somewhere… nothing about you seems like I am just getting to know you. I have never met anyone that I can relate to so well; you are perfect, in my eyes, for me. & this is with your faults — which I have yet to see — & your bad habits. I wouldn’t care. I care for you so much already that none of that matters. I long to discover more about you; you intrigue me, more than anything on this Earth. I haven’t ever felt the way I feel right now for anyone… except you. You make me want to be a kinder person. & I want to share every part of myself with you, my thoughts, my dreams, every stupid little thing I conjure up in my brain I want you to know them because I think that you would be the only one to understand them. & what keeps me so faithful that you will never change is that I cannot see you being a different person. You have never tried to win me over with false pretenses or actions, you are just you. & you will always be you, I know this. & that is why I find stability in you, somehow. There is something about you, I don’t know what it is, that is making my heart closer to you without me trying to. It’s a bit scary for me, but I’m trying not to ask questions about it. & the fact that I know this with only knowing you for such a short time is amazing, crazy & it speaks volumes to me, really.
Like I said before, none of this makes sense at all & I almost wish it did so that I wouldn’t sound so terribly crazy right now. I never spill out this much of myself for anyone. No one. & this isn’t like me at all. But I feel so compelled to tell you this because I want you to know. Not to provoke some thoughts into your head, or anything like that. No no. I just want to be honest with you. I feel like I have nothing left to lose, because if you’re not the one, then at least I tried & at least I cared & I met you & felt what I feel now. But I’d rather it be said. No matter how fast, how absurd, how soon… the feelings I have within me for you are real. I’m not a presumptuous person & I don’t have my head stuck in the clouds. I do hope you believe me & that this isn’t… scaring you.
I suppose that if it is, then you aren’t the one. & I mean that with the best intentions. I believe that if two souls, two hearts are meant to be with each other, they beat the same beat, at the same time with each other. They feel the same thing at the same time. There is no hesitation, there is no question. If there is one doubt… there is no way. To me, at least.
Now that I’ve completely worn my heart on my sleeve, I feel a bit silly for saying all of this with such specifics. But I don’t think I care much. You said tonight that I am a people-pleaser… & you are quite right. I realized on the way home tonight that me denying my feelings for you would only be to please other people who would look at me as if I were crazy if I admitted to those feelings. & I don’t want to do that, not with you. You are special & I do not want to treat you like every other guy that has come into my life… you are more than that. & what I feel for you is more than that. I want to please myself & give in to what I feel, for the first time in a while… & if I’m wrong, I’m fine with that.
Before I start scaring my own self into not sending this to you, I better stop writing. I’ll start thinking too much & end up deleting this entire masterpiece, haha.<3
I don’t know what more to say other than I adore you, really. & there isn’t anyone I’d rather be with right now than you.
Yours,
Ev’Yan.
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 3:45 pm:
That is one of the most beautiful love letters I have ever read. Your heart is soul is 100% in that one. Congrats on your two year anniversary!
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 5:22 pm:
This is so sweet – I love your love story = )
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 5:48 pm:
Happy anniversary, Ev’Yan! I have read some of Jonathan’s journal as well & you seem like two amazing individuals–separately as well as together. I really admire couples who are strong & beautiful individually. They don’t rely on each other to be incredible, but that seems to lend to their relationship…does that make sense? Hope so.
I am certain your life isn’t perfect–you’ve even touched on that imperfection &those lovers’ quarrels & whatnot here in your diary, but still the way you talk about your love for each other sounds like a fairy tale. That’s so beautiful.
I know we don’t know each other, but I wish I could express how happy I feel for you both at this moment. (your wonderful writing obviously has me carried away :P)
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 6:01 pm:
ahh, new love… I’ve been with my boy for seven years now and I still keep our first letters, silly little drawings that we make for each other, text messages. A few years ago I went travelling and left my boy at home for 6 months. Before I left, I wrote little love letters and drew funny pictures for him to find around the house while I was gone. That was over two years ago, and he STILL keeps the little messages exactly where I put them. Every day life means we dont spend enough quality time together, but all I have to remember is how much those little scraps of paper mean to him…and I melt.
Thanks for the trip down memory lane :)
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 6:46 pm:
aww this is so sweet. your writing is so soothing. so wish there were more of you!
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 9:09 pm:
Wow, that is a love letter. ;) <3
on Saturday, November 8th, 2008 at 9:28 am:
This is so incredibly sweet. You two are definitely a perfect match.
:)
I hope you both have a completely romantic and happy anniversary! You truly deserve it, you know.
on Saturday, November 8th, 2008 at 10:57 pm:
You guys are adorable. Happy 2 years! Hope you have a very wonderful weekend together!
on Sunday, November 9th, 2008 at 11:12 am:
What a beautifully touching post. Thank you for sharing this glimpse in to your life,
and I hope you are having a delightful weekend.
on Sunday, November 9th, 2008 at 7:39 pm:
Happy anniversary! It’s so warm and sweet to hear about people celebrating their relationship this way. Last April when my boyfriend and I celebrated our five year, he was in San Francisco for two weeks for a project at work, so i flew out for that weekend and we got to spend it exploring Northern California. :)
And your last comment is so cute — I admire your style too, and it always makes me smile to get such support from a gal I seriously respect!
on Sunday, November 9th, 2008 at 8:58 pm:
THAT WAS AMAZING. Happy Anniversary and I hope for many many more. Thank you for putting some hope in the notion that romance isn’t dead. Amazing. I’m happy for the both of you. Marriage is still honorable and blessed.
on Wednesday, December 10th, 2008 at 3:06 am:
know what, i felt the exact same way with my partner. i get your drift. its unbelivable sometimes ain’t it, love.
on Thursday, December 11th, 2008 at 4:45 am:
i have never ever read such a moving love letter.thanks and keep it up.
on Saturday, May 16th, 2009 at 11:04 am:
i discovered your website on my friends computer, and i’ve been sitting here, quite antisocially, for about an hour looking through your entries and admiring your wonderful outfits. (i especially love your short hair – mine was about that length for years, but i got tired of people judging me by it!)
i just wanted to say that this letter is one of the most beautiful, perfect things that i’ve ever read. it honestly made me cry. in a good way, though. congratulations to you and your man – you have the most incredible bond.