my second attempt to be honest.

So it seems like I go through this thing once a month where I don’t know what to do with this diary. While I know that my fashion statements seem to be a hit — I just recently caught the eye of Teen Vogue; & yes, I’m more than flattered! — my heart isn’t entirely in it.

What I’m trying to say is that it gets kind of… boring after a while. Same with all the other fantastic fashion blogs I read. I take quick glances at certain ones & become practically bored to tears. & it has hardly anything to do with what they’re wearing. (Although, most fashion statements I’ve seen lately are not very original these days. We all seem to be copying someone else, one way or another. & I am not saying that I haven’t done it myself.) More to do with the question I find myself asking: What is the point? & then I ask, “Who cares?”

What is the point of taking pictures of myself, clad in the latest fashions? To prove to people that I know how to dress myself in the morning? Who really cares what I wore today? When I sit down & actually ponder it… it doesn’t really matter that much to me, nor does it make very much sense. I mean, compared to the other more important things I could talk about. It can seem so superficial.

& my thoughts are telling me, quite loudly, “Ev’Yan, darling… what is the point of your posting fashion statements on your blog? I mean, really… it seems a bit vainglorious, don’t you think? & vanity is far from your character. Maybe you should do something that makes more of a difference in people’s lives. Maybe you should do something that makes more of a difference in YOUR life. Because really, sweetie, you’re only proving to you & the rest of the world that you’ve got impeccable taste in clothing… nothing more than that. Maybe you should stick to your roots… that being writing. You’ve got a great thing going, after all. You’ve been writing much longer than you’ve been noting bloody fashion trends. & anyway, you’re not quite tall enough to be a model… which is really the only successful thing that could come out of it. Something’s gotta give, Love. You aren’t happy.”

& this is where I let out a deep sigh. No, I’m not happy, because I’m not being true to myself. & I don’t think I want to do this (“this” being pretty little fashion statements) anymore.

Well, not anymore; I think that’s awfully dramatic to say. What I mean is that I no longer want the responsibility or the pressure of being famous for what I wear. Writing appeals to me much more. When I die, I’d rather be known for being an amazing writer, than being a fashionable chick (even though it would be nice!). Writing is so much more about expressing your inner soul; it is full of substance, whereas clothes are just… clothes to me. Writing is the only thing that comes completely natural for me. Fashion is just something I’m good at.

So it seems as though I’ve been making a priority out of the wrong passion lately. I realize this now, plain as the sky is blue. Because something is terribly wrong when one feels envious of writers, even though she is one.

& to my readers: I have not been feeling pressured by you lovely people to keep going with the fashion thing. I have put it on MYSELF to keep at it, so much that it was starting to make me feel resentment towards my diary. I think it’s so important to do what you feel like doing; to follow your own bliss, rather than produce what you think people would prefer seeing. & while I do enjoy putting together outfits, fashion isn’t the most important thing to me.

& I must be honest: half the time I photograph these outfits, I end up taking them off. Most of these outfits would be worn if I actually had places to go & people to see, but I am at home mostly. If you saw me on a day-to-day basis, you would see that I don’t go grocery shopping looking like I belong at New York Fashion Week. There is a time & a place for looking debonair, & while I have the time, I rarely ever have the place. I feel that displaying the items in my closet has been borderline superficial & self-centered of me, & that is not the image I want to portray to anyone.

All of this said, I WILL continue to post my ensembles here; I do like dressing up, after all. I just won’t be doing it quite as often. I want to keep it in moderation, to focus more on my writing. I want to do what I did before, when this blog was a nobody; I want to write like this again. & like this, & like this.

It’s hard to believe that that was even me writing. I miss that very much.