10|03|2008
turn smile shift; repeat.
Firstly… much to my utter excitement, I have been featured at the supermelon, in their Real Style segment. My very first feature! I am so very excited about this; I can hardly contain it (!!!). Not to mention, honored to be mentioned among the many other talented & fashionable women in the blogosphere. Thank you so much, Jenna, for doing this for me, & for being so kind. Yay! :]
On another note…
I am having a real, honest to goodness, semi-quarter life crisis. This has been claimed before, yes, but I was being melodramatic. This time, it’s so absolutely real that it’s horrifying. As in House on Haunted Hill horrifying, circa 1959, with Vincent Price. Let me try to explain…
I had a lovely conversation with my Grandfather, on my father’s side, last night. Even though we barely have a tangible relationship (I haven’t seen him in at least 4 years), I was blatantly reminded that it was his birthday & decided to reach out & wish him well. I’m an adult now, after all, & I couldn’t think of a good enough excuse not to call him. Guilty conscience, mostly. Surprisingly, it was nice to chat with him; except when he started raving about how many times he’s read the Bible, cover to cover. (29 times, he says. Each time we speak, that number grows a little larger.)
He was very attentive to what was going on in my life & asked questions about Lover & married life. I told him things were doing just fine; that married life was fun, an adventure, & that I was really happy. Then he asked how my job was going, & I winced as I replied, “Oh… I’m not… working right now.” He asked me why not, as though maybe I had an accident & was bedridden, or something of that nature. I completely stumbled over my words in a very un-confident way, telling him that I had left my salon job after recent drama & had the intention (yes, I really did!) of going back to work somewhere, but just got too comfortable being at home. & now, I’m simply stuck here, in my comfort zone, being a happy housewife.
At least I was honest; I could have used one of the many other stories I tend to conjure up so that my pride won’t suffer.
After my desperate & somewhat lengthy explanation about why I’m not working, he just said, “Oh… okay then.” He didn’t ask anymore questions. He didn’t drill me about how I should be in college, getting a degree to make him proud (with grandparents, there isn’t any other reason but that). He just said, “Oh… okay then” & went on to ask me how my mother was doing.
While I was feeling deeply relieved that the subject didn’t get pushed to oblivion, I was deeply disturbed by my own answer. For the rest of the night, I kept asking myself, “Ev’Yan… why aren’t you working? I mean, really… why not?!” I could hear the bloody answer loud & clear in my ears, but refused to except it & said to myself: “No, that’s not a good enough answer. Why aren’t you working, for Heaven’s sake? Why aren’t you doing something with your life? Where are you going, Ev’Yan? What are you doing??”
Last night, I couldn’t bear the sound of my own realizations, but I think today I am ready to face them.
Why am I not working, you ask? Well, it’s simple really… it’s because I am bloody scared. I’m scared to be confined to a job that makes less than rational money. I’m scared to find myself going through the same old routines; wake up, get dressed, go to work, get stressed, come home, eat dinner, go to sleep stressing about another lifeless tomorrow. (The “turn, smile, shift, repeat” syndrome.) I don’t want to sell my preciously creative soul to the 9-5 Devil.
I want to be free. I want to inspire myself with my own whimsical ideas. I want to bask in the glory of life daily. I want to live on my own schedule, MY own time clock, doing what I want to do. I don’t want the wretched commitment — the scary commitment — of going to work everyday.
That’s the honest to goodness truth; I’m a ‘fraidy-cat. I’ve gotten far too comfortable being the doting housewife, making dinners, cleaning house, running errands & taking care of our dog, Sofie. While this is all good & well (not to mention, helpful because if I don’t do these things, who will?), I am 21-freaking-years-old. I shouldn’t BE the doting housewife. No, [supposedly] I should be going to college. Or contributing to the world by working a seemingly endless job. If not that, I should be making babies.
It’s almost shameful of me, I think, to tell people that I don’t do anything; that I’m just… a housewife. I don’t have children; I should not be a housewife. (Although… I have to say that back in the olden days, women without children would stay at home & keep up the house, doing things like making pies & wearing aprons & vacuuming. This was in the 1950s, of course, & I do realize that this is 2008… but I am extremely comforted by those traits & wish that it would be socially acceptable for me to do so these days.)
That bloody question — “What do YOU do?” — is always asked to me. & each time, I quickly come up with something that doesn’t sound too pathetic while being completely believable. I tell people that I am an amateur writer; this answer only brings up another question: “Oh, what do you write?” to which I reply, “Everything.” Not the most stable or sufficient answer, but it raises eyebrows & keeps me honest.
I realize now that I need a resolution to this problem of mine. I need to find something to do with my spare time, whether it be a hobby or a bloody job; something that will make me feel less guilty & more confident when being asked that dreaded question. I need direction. I need a path to take because right now I feel as though I am wandering about in circles.
I need to find my spirituality. I need to find something (someone) to believe in; I need desperately to re-discover my faith. I need to know where I’m going.
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 11:35 am:
I am so glad you wrote this!! I needed to know that someone else was experiencing something similar to what I’ve been dealing with recently. I’m a single, recent college graduate with many talents but because of my fear of the “9-5 devil,” I’m afraid to commit to a job (although I have a part time and I play piano at my church). I could get a “real” job but I prefer writing, blogging, and all that other stuff. I want to be free to do what I so choose. Blah, blah, blah!! Thanks for writing another inspirational one!! I don’t feel so alone now!
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 11:58 am:
I’m a raging feminist, but I have to say that the entire point of feminism is to enable women to CHOOSE.
What’s the point if you are now feeling pressured to so something that you don’t want to do??
Anyway, you can always tell them you’re a blogger.
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 12:14 pm:
I am so glad you wrote this. My job at summer camp ended in August, of course, and I’ve spent the past two-ish months keeping house and doting on my fiance, and I’ve been feeling guilty. I should have a job, I need to pull my own weight, but I’m having a hard time bringing myself to commit to one.
And my reasons are the exact same as yours: I don’t want to be tied down to something I hate. I like having time to cook dinners for S., I like spending my days reading and (trying) to write.
It’s so nice to know that someone else is struggling with these feelings too.
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 5:07 pm:
Another great post.
I must say that I totally admire you for living your life on your own terms and not blindly going to school or working at some life-sucking job. I feel like too many people do those things to please others or even kid themselves that it’s what they want – when in reality they haven’t figured out what they want because they’ve been so brainwashed by friends, family, and society to make an informed decision.
Don’t feel guilty or stress out about being “just” a housewife. That is a complete waste of time — I would however advise you to follow your passions and do your own thing. You are so wonderfully talented, this is clear by your blog: ever consider freelancing? You could make a nice living writing or styling, etc and not be confined to the 9 – 5.
Anyway, I’ve blabbered on enough. Keep positive and stress free please :)
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 6:49 pm:
I can relate to this post so much. This is how all of my 20s have felt so far. I left college after trying three schools in three years until I couldn’t take it anymore and left because I felt like it was a necessity for self preservation.
Since then, I have worked on and off, part time jobs, full time office jobs, I even was a free-lance babysitter for a while which worked out better then I expected. I have realized I have an incredibly low tolerance for what you describe as the 9-5 devil. So now I work for the 3pm-11pm devil *grins*. I have taken six months off at a time over the years, simply to hang out with my boyfriend and play video games all the time. Not the most admirable, but I think now if I hadn’t taken those bits of time, I would not have discovered some answers to that horribly nagging question of what do you want to do with your life.
It is important to me now to contribute all I can to bills etc. but still keep a semblance of my life for me. So I compromised by taking a job that requires little from me personally in terms of decisions or energy, and allows me time, even at work sometimes, to be creative. I feel less wiped out when I get home, emotionally, spiritually, etc but can still pay what I need to.
As a fellow writer, I want to highly highly recommend you check out http://www.nanowrimo.com. Absolutely fantastic group of people who run a challenge every year to write a 50,000 word novel in the month of November. It doesn’t have to be good, it doesn’t have to make sense, what matters is you sit your butt down and write a novel. It’s exhilarating, terrifying, and one of the best things I’ve accomplished so far in my adult life. I did it back in 2002 and am ready to make another go at it next month. That way, if someone asks what you do, you can say you are a novelist ; ) Best of luck to you, from a sympathetic soul.
Katie
on Friday, October 3rd, 2008 at 8:55 pm:
I definitely understand your fear, as I’m sure a lot of people do. Before I got my current job, I had the exact same sense of dread about being trapped in the same routine every day, waiting for the minutes to tick by til 5.
But then I got my dream job. Now that I can spend my days writing, being creative, doing what makes me happy and fulfilled (I review movies and moderate the blog for allmovie.com), I love getting up and going to my job.
And something I’ve noticed is that even when I have just a few days off, the lack of structure makes me *less* creative and inspired. Getting up and going in and talking with everyone, being in the element, it’s all part of the process. Not to mention that if I didn’t go into the office every day, I’d have nowhere to wear my clothes! ;)
I’m 27 now, but i can remember feeling so similar to the way you describe just around six years ago. I really commend you for being so self aware, and I hope it’s some comfort to be reminded that even if you end up working a daytime job, that doesn’t have to mean being hemmed in or stifled at all — especially for a smart, creative person like you.
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 8:33 am:
As usual, I’m right there with you, my dear. :)
I actually had no idea that you aren’t presently working, and when I read that, I was all, “Uh! No fair! I want to be a housewife!” Heehee. I assure you, I am not kidding. And you know, I wish that life was still as it was back then, sometimes…when it was socially acceptable (not to mention affordable) to do such things.
Except then I’d probably have to learn to make pies. And I really have no idea how to make pies. I should probably work on this.
Anyway, you are in no huge rush. People who go to college change their major HOW MANY TIMES on average? Many. Or so I’ve heard. If you aren’t sure of what you want to do, don’t just do something just so you can say you’re doing something. (That’s what I’m currently battling against.)
I have no doubt that you’re going to be great at whatever you end up doing. You are talented, driven, passionate – all those things. Have you thought of being some sort of a entrepreneur? Most of my hopes and dreams at this point involve NOT having a boss. Doing my own thing. Working for me.
Take a few small steps; start looking into things that you may be interested in. But don’t feel bad for where you are at this point in time because you are doing just fine. I promise.
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 11:37 am:
Wow, I really did miss reading your writings. Its your honesty that I admire. You write just what you feel, which is something many people shy from. I relate to this topic so much. I have been on break from school for a year and I constantly get asked that dreadful question of, “how’s school going”? Which is so awkward to answer. I feel like I am at a crossroads and I need to pick a direction.
But as for you, I’d say follow your intuition. Although we always have that inside voice we don’t want to hear, its that same voice that tells us exactly what we need to pursue what we want. So just listen to it and it will help you be what you want to be.
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 11:45 am:
your first feature – must be exciting!
Congrats – you deserve it!
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 12:22 pm:
First things first, CONGRATS on your first feature. You look absolutely wonderful.
A part of me feels the very same way but from a different approach. I’m 19 and in my sophomore year at college and I’m already feeling that I don’t want it to end…well not any time soon that is.
It has very little to do with social aspect (parties and the like) of it and more to do with the fact that I’m just as petrified of you are of being confined in an unsatisfactory job/career. My goodness, I really can’t think of anything more horrific. Ok, well that was a bit of an exaggeration but you catch my drift.
But truly, don’t rush into anything your heart’s not into. You’ll find your niche soon enough.
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 5:46 pm:
@ Nicole: Aw, of course you’re not alone! & I’m actually surprised that I’M not alone, because there is always this misconception that everyone else has it together… except for you. Thanks for your comments. :] & here’s to looking for a muse!
@ Vered: Your comment thoroughly inspired me, & I think it’s because you strike me as very strong person. :] Thank you so much for contributing your thoughts.
@ Muriel Mercurial: Yes, we’re on the same boat, floating toward the same ocean. It’s actually trippy for me to know that there are other people who struggle & feel the way I do. Thanks for sharing; it really helped me, if you can believe it.
@ Always in Style: thank you SO much for your comment. It did wonders for my self esteem & my peace of mind. You are absolutely right & I really hadn’t thought of it in that way. :] I will definitely remember your comment when I am feeling down & awkward.
@ Katie: Your job sounds like heaven! What I wouldn’t give to have a job that makes me feel content. =] I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I feel better knowing that there are so many women who deal with this & that I’m not the only one. Also… I have NEVER even attempted to write a novel, but I am now considering it thanks to your comment! ;]
@ Cammila: Your job sounds fabulous! I went to the website & looked at some of your reviews & they’re fantastic! What I wouldn’t give to have a job like that; I’ve always thought I would be good at writing reviews for movies, books & music.
@ wishcake: Aw, thank you so much. I feel like you & I are kindred spirits, because we seem to be going through the same things during the same times. I thoroughly appreciate your comment; matter of fact, I appreciate knowing that you even still READ my things. =] Thank you.
@ Kelly: Thank you, love, for your comment. :] I was wondering where you ran off too! (I’m going to email you the rest of what I had to say.)
@ sue: Yes, I am so excited! Thank you very much! :]
@ itsokaytosweat: Thank you. :] I will most certainly take your advice, because you are absolutely right. :]
on Saturday, October 4th, 2008 at 8:50 pm:
You can do whatever you want to do, and I am incredibly glad that you are doing it. :]
My brother’s only real goal in life is to get married and have children.
on Sunday, October 5th, 2008 at 9:16 am:
Aw – congrats on your feature!!
This is a really hard one – I think that for most of us, work sucks, I know that many times I wish that I could just opt out of it….but for me actually calling myself a housewife and not working on that basis isn’t an option. It puts too much pressure on my Mister, and it means that we’re not sharing equally.
Like you say here, if we had kids, if there were a bunch of other factors then sure that would be an option – but not now. Any job will have its drawbacks, and right now I’m working on finding a way to work in a less traditional workplace, but in the mean time I’m on the same page as you – it’s scary and sometimes boring but working is the best way to get my family on its feet so that someday I can take some time off.
on Sunday, October 5th, 2008 at 4:31 pm:
“I want to be free.”
Amen.
on Sunday, October 5th, 2008 at 5:30 pm:
Congrats on your supermelon feature! I love your style! You’ll get thru this time in your life, just stay true to yourself and focused!
on Monday, October 6th, 2008 at 9:52 am:
firstly; let me say i love that title.
i work every single day [ smile shift; repeat ]
and ive realized recently that this isnt for me. im not a “paper pusher” i cant sit behind the desk for the rest of my life. i need to do something more fulfilling more something. i need change and i need it immediately. so .. as i did a lot of soul searching and found that everything that i wanna do requires a degree. so now i am back in school.
either way, i completely understand. even thought i hate my job and would love to just not work there is a sense of fulfillment that comes with woking every day and although i hate it i would rather be here than home.
just hang in there maybe you can find something that you wanna do that gives you freedom as well as that sense of “something” that we all crave at times.
on Tuesday, October 7th, 2008 at 5:22 pm:
I say enjoy it while you can :) Make the most of it, explore your talents, passions and enjoy being a housewife.
I love to cook, look after our home. But reality is we have debt and both need to work. Meaning our house isn’t as neat and tidy as I’d like it to be. Almost every day I wish I could stay home, clean, do some baking and read books, go for bikerides etc. Reality check, it takes both my husband and I contributing to the household expenses and **debt**. Fair is fair.
If your delightful hubby is happy to be the breadwinner, then congrats to you. There may be a time when things change, so enjoy it… relish it :)
on Thursday, October 9th, 2008 at 12:24 pm:
congrats! (on the feature)
on Thursday, October 9th, 2008 at 12:32 pm:
Congratulations on being featured! Yays!!!
Don’t beat yourself up! Housewife is a perfectly legitimate job description! And not only for women with kids, or women who are older than you are! If that’s what you’re happy doing and it’s working out for you and your husband, then all you need to do is find a way to feel confident about it (yeah, I know, that’s not going to be as easy as ‘all you need to do…’), not change what you do.
But if you’re not actually happy with the situation, then you need to change it. For yourself, not for what other people think…
I wish you all the best trying to work it out!
on Saturday, October 11th, 2008 at 8:27 pm:
yay!! i saw that!! soo amazing!! congrats sweets!!
on Monday, October 13th, 2008 at 11:18 am:
I read this entry last week, but didn’t have the time to comment on it. However, I wanted to come back and congradulate you!
I didn’t know you weren’t working and I must admit that I was quite jealous when I read that. :) (I know, I know – the grass is always greener!)
After going to college and graduating, I’ve been working 40+ hr weeks and I’m SICK of it. I want to freelance design…but, oh, wait – that requires design classes. And how to pay for those design classes? Sigh.
on Wednesday, November 12th, 2008 at 1:02 am:
[...] of Apricot Tea is uncomfortable with people’s reactions when she tells them she’s not working, but she [...]