Today is my birthday; I am 21-years-old (finally, for heaven’s sake!) & desperately hoping to get used to this new age. It’s strange when you’ve been a certain age for so long. Really, I’ve only been twenty for one year (obviously), but why does it feel much longer? As though it’s been three years? I’ve grown quite accustomed to being twenty; so much that it’s become a part of my outer identity. But really, inside of myself, I feel much older. Older than 21, younger than 25. It’s always been this way. I always feel a few years older than what I chronologically am. My mother says it’s because I am “wise beyond my years.” I concur.
Even though today is my 21st year, I’ve been “celebrating” since Friday (the 12th). & while most newly-legals go hogwild with their new [drinking] privileges, I’ve opted for quiet evenings at home. Not one sip of alcohol was/will be consumed, & hardly any “partying” was/will be done. Does that make me boring? Probably. But am I content? Absolutely.
This has been one of the best birthdays I’ve ever had. Except for last year… when Lover proposed to me on my twentieth birthday. Yes, I’ll never forget that birthday; although… I must admit that the memories of that day almost slipped my mind. His proposing seems so far away now; again, like it was 3 years ago. Strange.
On Friday, I wore this…
shirt, leg-warmers, fishnets & cardigan, all from Target (bought at different times, of course); shoes, from DSW; jewelry is my own.
… while getting this early birthday present:
It means“breathe” in Sanskrit. I’ve been wanting to get this tattoo for years & woke up with the hankering to get it on Friday. & I did. Originally, I was going to do the word in plain English, but decided against it once I saw how beautiful it looked translated into Sanskrit.
I admit to knowing that this idea has been done before by somebody famous, which I feel is slightly irrelevant. I, personally, have wanted to get this tattoo as a simple reminder to “breathe”; because I do forget to breathe sometimes & our breath is the most important thing we can do to bring us back into the present moment.
While dealing with bouts of severe anxiety, my therapist would remind me of the importance of my own breath, & how that can benefit me if I was ever having a panic attack. During those maddening times, I would often forget to breathe, which would bring me deeper & deeper into panic & despair. Just thinking about all of that again makes me quite sad.
Today I feel like I’ve come full circle. While I don’t feel anxiety as often — except for the occasional, very normal butterflies in my stomach — I feel like this tattoo is still very important for me to have. Not just because breathing is a beautiful, powerful thing, but because it reminds me how much I’ve grown as a person, as a woman, in these last few years.
I’m not sure what else I will do today. Since I’ve been “celebrating” since Friday, I feel like my birthday has already been rejoiced. I don’t have a need for more good wishes or to be the center of attention.
I’m just happy to be alive today; happy that my husband took the day off so that we could spend my 21st year together; & happy that I finally go to the bar with him to watch UFC pay-per-view fights.