It’s come to my attention that I hate conformity. Even if I am leaning more towards liking something that is very conventional & mainstream, I will either talk myself out of liking it… or I will make use of it in an unconventional way. This goes for music, clothing, jewelry, food & other things. I just don’t like seeming like a follower; like I’m going along with everyone else. I’d rather be a leader.
This isn’t to say that I call myself a Leader; the noble & stressful task of being a sole decision maker frightens me. No, I’d much rather accidentally be a leader. In that very effortless, casual, “Who? me?” sort of way. If I could lead without intentionally trying to, I would feel accomplished. If I could change people’s opinions about themselves, giving them something to think about, if I could influence someone in a positive way, be it physically or emotionally, I would feel absolutely honored. If I could quiet the useless mutterings of conformity in this society, & if I could do this based on my personal experiences & thoughts, while recording them diligently in this diary… I would feel utterly blessed. Maybe this is my true calling.
My mother always said that I had a gift with my words & mannerisms. Aside from looks, I think that would be the next thing people would notice about me: the articulate way that I speak & personable manner in which I open myself up to people & let them in; I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I care too much & this often gets me into emotional trouble. I think that is why I have a tendency to try to convince myself that helping a certain someone wouldn’t be beneficial; that is… if they have a bit of trouble regarding love or relationships, it’s better to be kind & butt out, than get totally involved in something that I have no power in really changing. I know this based on experience. When I get emotionally involved in someone & in their story, I cannot let it go. I will take them & their problems underneath my wing, wrap my head around their issues several times & never cease to try to fix everything. It’s a dangerous trait of mine, but one I am learning to accept as a gift & not so much a curse.
I am not bragging; I suppose I’m just being practical & very thankful that I have the ability to make people listen to me; something that I haven’t really noticed until recently. All thanks to this honest & eager diary of mine. I don’t know if I realize what I got myself into, really; with this diary & within this entry now.
I also noticed that ever since my entry about beauty — which was not at all meant to be a soapbox edition of attention & complaints — I have shied away from saying certain things for fear that I will seem pretentious & self-centered. & while I know that these things are not true, that I am very humble & modest & meek in my abilities to bring attention to myself, sub-consciously I have been feeling guilty. My husband called me beautiful the other day & after that, he immediately followed with a “Sorry, I know how much you hate that.” & while I understand why he would say that — I was really irate & passionate about everything that was said in my beauty post; I still am — I felt a little sad. I thought, Gosh… did I go about this in the wrong way? Because now I feel like am being misunderstood.
That got me into thinking: words are extremely powerful. I think they may even be more powerful than beauty itself. Because, words can be implied directly or indirectly; they can be mysterious & touching; they can bold & melancholy; they can nonchalant & intriguing; they can be silent & revealing. Which then got me into thinking that I should choose my own words wisely, in any situation, because I’ve seen that they have an obvious power to them. Always, my intention is only to stir up creativity. Most of the time, I am just thinking out loud, contrary to popular belief.
I am sporadic in my words today because my mind is a muddled mess of ideas & interesting thought processes. The proof in that is in the way that I wrote it all down here; if I can write something in 10 minutes flat, without much editting or brooding, then it’s coming completely from my heart & not so much my brain. Which means… this is a real, honest to goodness diary entry, revealing my innermost thoughts & notions.
Also… this is my 100th entry.
t-shirt, from American Apparel; pants are thrifted; shoes, from Ross; headband, from Target; jewelry is miscellaneous.