Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008
brainstorms take me away from the norm.
It’s come to my attention that I hate conformity. Even if I am leaning more towards liking something that is very conventional & mainstream, I will either talk myself out of liking it… or I will make use of it in an unconventional way. This goes for music, clothing, jewelry, food & other things. I just don’t like seeming like a follower; like I’m going along with everyone else. I’d rather be a leader.
This isn’t to say that I call myself a Leader; the noble & stressful task of being a sole decision maker frightens me. No, I’d much rather accidentally be a leader. In that very effortless, casual, “Who? me?” sort of way. If I could lead without intentionally trying to, I would feel accomplished. If I could change people’s opinions about themselves, giving them something to think about, if I could influence someone in a positive way, be it physically or emotionally, I would feel absolutely honored. If I could quiet the useless mutterings of conformity in this society, & if I could do this based on my personal experiences & thoughts, while recording them diligently in this diary… I would feel utterly blessed. Maybe this is my true calling.
My mother always said that I had a gift with my words & mannerisms. Aside from looks, I think that would be the next thing people would notice about me: the articulate way that I speak & personable manner in which I open myself up to people & let them in; I wear my heart on my sleeve, so to speak. I care too much & this often gets me into emotional trouble. I think that is why I have a tendency to try to convince myself that helping a certain someone wouldn’t be beneficial; that is… if they have a bit of trouble regarding love or relationships, it’s better to be kind & butt out, than get totally involved in something that I have no power in really changing. I know this based on experience. When I get emotionally involved in someone & in their story, I cannot let it go. I will take them & their problems underneath my wing, wrap my head around their issues several times & never cease to try to fix everything. It’s a dangerous trait of mine, but one I am learning to accept as a gift & not so much a curse.
I am not bragging; I suppose I’m just being practical & very thankful that I have the ability to make people listen to me; something that I haven’t really noticed until recently. All thanks to this honest & eager diary of mine. I don’t know if I realize what I got myself into, really; with this diary & within this entry now.
I also noticed that ever since my entry about beauty — which was not at all meant to be a soapbox edition of attention & complaints — I have shied away from saying certain things for fear that I will seem pretentious & self-centered. & while I know that these things are not true, that I am very humble & modest & meek in my abilities to bring attention to myself, sub-consciously I have been feeling guilty. My husband called me beautiful the other day & after that, he immediately followed with a “Sorry, I know how much you hate that.” & while I understand why he would say that — I was really irate & passionate about everything that was said in my beauty post; I still am — I felt a little sad. I thought, Gosh… did I go about this in the wrong way? Because now I feel like am being misunderstood.
That got me into thinking: words are extremely powerful. I think they may even be more powerful than beauty itself. Because, words can be implied directly or indirectly; they can be mysterious & touching; they can bold & melancholy; they can nonchalant & intriguing; they can be silent & revealing. Which then got me into thinking that I should choose my own words wisely, in any situation, because I’ve seen that they have an obvious power to them. Always, my intention is only to stir up creativity. Most of the time, I am just thinking out loud, contrary to popular belief.
I am sporadic in my words today because my mind is a muddled mess of ideas & interesting thought processes. The proof in that is in the way that I wrote it all down here; if I can write something in 10 minutes flat, without much editting or brooding, then it’s coming completely from my heart & not so much my brain. Which means… this is a real, honest to goodness diary entry, revealing my innermost thoughts & notions.
Also… this is my 100th entry.
t-shirt, from American Apparel; pants are thrifted; shoes, from Ross; headband, from Target; jewelry is miscellaneous.
on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 2:36 pm:
So true - I often forget how powerful words can be…at least until I’ve hurt somebody and am reminded again. I have had to make a concerted effort to think more before I speak - I tend to be sarcastic and people don’t always realize that and take me literally. It can be a hard lesson to learn (at least for me).
on Tuesday, July 22nd, 2008 at 8:25 pm:
i completely feel your pain…while one’s blog is supposed to be a diary of sorts, it’s hard to simultaneously make sure you’re not offending others. i also walk the same line, but just remember that you’re doing this primarily for yourself, so your own voice is the most important thing. congrats on your 100th post, you’re doing a great job!
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 7:23 am:
Congratulations and your 100th post!
I think words are much more powerful than beauty. Batted eyes never changed the world, but many words have made worlds of difference…
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 8:48 am:
Not wanting to conform to things that seem typical because you feel the need to be a nonconformist seems conformist to me.
I was kindda the same way, but I realized that the trick is to like what you like… and be proud of liking it. Regardless of if said likeness is within or outside of mainstream ideology. Cuz, who cares… it’s what you like.
Also, I don’t think ppl should shy away from, or reject something just because it’s in the main, or it has become a “group think” standard. Given our personal space as bloggers we should feel comfortable with spitting it all out there… regardless of whether it ruffles feathers or not. If you say something to ruffle my feathers, that doesn’t mean you’ve lost me as a reader. I think it’s unhealthy when we all agree all the time. So say what you wanna say… stir it up.
And words are immensely powerful, and good writers such as yourself have the ability to utilize that power. So utilize it in your own way… whatever way seems appropriate to you.
Okay… my comment seems just as all over the place and full of randomness as your post… so I guess we have both done our jobs!
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 11:33 am:
yeahh i lovee having my walls collaged like that :)
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 2:13 pm:
@ Aaron: I agree with what you wrote there. Good point.
Hi Apricot, You have a really great house BTW. It always looks like its on a set of a professional photo shoot or something :)
Wow, that’s quite a quandary there. To say or not to say? Then when said, how will others perceive it? Since you enlightened me on your perspective of your Beauty post I now fully understand what you were saying. What’s more is that it’s obvious that you are deeply bothered by the possibility that someone could perceive you as “pretentious & self-centered”. I can tell by your last 2 entries that it seems to have bothered you. This enforces to me the sincerity in your claim that you are humble, modest and meek even though I already believed that.
We live in a world of perceptions. Mine has been aligned, and it doesn’t seem like anyone else was bothered by the sincerity and candidness of your entry so I think it’s safe to say that only 1 out a large group are the ones that will question your motives or forthrightness.
So how did you respond to your husband saying that? Were you/are you bothered by your husband telling you he thinks your beautiful?
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 2:15 pm:
*I always misspell you’re.
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 2:25 pm:
@ Meg: it’s good that you are conscious of this. I know many people who say the rudest things, but fail to see that they are hurtful with their words.
@ Cupcakes & Cashmere: You are 100% correct. Thank you so much for your insight. :] Your comment put things into perspective for me.
@ The Clothes Horse: Thank you. :] & you are right.
@ Aaron: You are right (man, all of you have some really interesting points). I agree that trying not to conform is a bit conformist. I suppose in other situations — such as fashion, for instance — it’s easier for me to feel this way. But certainly, it can’t apply to everything. I appreciate your input. :]
@ Jenny H: I was startled by your response because I was like, “What is she talking about?” but then I realized that you were replying to a comment I had made. :] Got it.
@ Sean C: You brought it to my attention that I DO have that fear (the fear of seeming pretentious) most often. I’ve noticed this before, yes, but I haven’t really thought about it lately. I think it comes from when I was younger; my father used to always call me self centered. I don’t know why, but he would. It stuck with me after all of these years & I am so very self-conscious about this. But thank you for the reassurance. I mean that. :] Your words have resonated with me. I appreciate that.
Also, thank you for the compliment about my apartment! It’s actually very tiny — it is a studio — so the fact that people think it’s so charming in spite of the smallness of it flatters me. :] Me & my husband do the best we can to make it seem less like a garage (what it was converted into) & more like a home.
& the comment my husband made… it surprised me & bothered me, yes. I did tell him that “it’s not even like that” when it comes to that compliment. I had a good talk with him about it. I don’t want anyone to think that I cannot accept a decent compliment, especially my own husband…
on Wednesday, July 23rd, 2008 at 7:29 pm:
hey, welcome to the 100 club! :)
i love what you’ve said about the strength of words and how they’re mainly something you use to elicit creativity. just don’t get bogged down like a lot of my peers did while i was an English major - to take words too seriously. i doubt you’ll get to that point since you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders, just keep this in mind:
words can be used as great tools. but they are more enjoyable when their profundity is set aside, and they are used as toys.
on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 8:44 am:
congrats on your 100th post.
& thank you for the comment!
and that’s so funny you stumbled onto my blog because i stumbled onto yours a couple of days ago and really enjoyed it. i even went so far to read a lot of your previous posts & appreciate the honesty you put into your writing….
so please, keep blogging…!
on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 11:09 am:
Happy 100th entry. I love that you’re so honest and never afraid to say what you’re really thinking. This blog is truly one of a kind.
on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 12:03 pm:
Congratulations on your 100th post babe. You’re doing awesome. =)
on Thursday, July 24th, 2008 at 8:32 pm:
I totally agree that words are much more powerful than anything else. And I really appreciate your honest writing. Keep at it :]
PS. Congratulations on your 100th post!
on Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 12:38 am:
Ev`Yan, I ran across your blog and I love it. It is such an interesting read. And I must say that you definitely have style! I love ALL your outfits. I just started a blog as well, please come visit sometime. Anyhow, congrats on your 100th post!
on Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 6:43 am:
you have the most adorable haircut! Beautiful =)
on Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 6:48 am:
[...] apricot tea- A beautiful person with a beautiful heart. How could you not love that? [...]
on Friday, July 25th, 2008 at 9:37 am:
@ Nico: thank you for the words of wisdom. :]
@ Nikky: Thank you very much. :] I’m flattered that you enjoy my writings.
@ ashley: thank you, so very much!
@ Jonathan: aw, thanks honey. =]
@ Val: thank you, & I will most definitely keep at it. :]
@ Mai: I visited your store. You have a lot of lovely items. Thank you for stopping in.
@ Ash1314: thank you, love!