07|16|2008
memories at midnight.
Even though it happened over a year ago, I am still brutally affected by memories. When I try to overlook the past, the emotional scars stare me right in the face, making me recall that night in graphic detail. I just cannot forget, even while I try my damnedest. This bothers me so much.
After everything, I haven’t been able to look at substances in the same way (alcohol, cigarettes, drugs of any kind). What used to be harmless alcohol is no longer; it is a door into deadly & addicting worlds. The same kind of worlds that almost took my Love away from me. I become uneasy when I know these substances are around me or Lover. I do not drink because of this. I haven’t had a drink in over a year. It’s true that the past (&, shamefully, fear) has aided this decision, but it’s my own choice.
When he comes to bed smelling like booze & cigarettes, my heart falls. When I see him reach for another beer, everything inside of me cringes. I begin to feel all of those emotions I felt back then, when I suspected his dishonesty & bad behavior. All those lonely nights, waiting for him to call; worried sick about him in my bed, trying to reach him during the late hours. I was never relieved when I found out that he was too drunk to remember to call me & so he passed out before even having a second thought about it. He was safe, yes… but not sound. Whenever I brought my ill-feelings to his attention, telling him that I was worried about the people he was around & the habits he was forming, he would soothe my fears, saying that everything was okay; that I could trust him. If there is one word I cannot stand it would be trust. Not just for the meaning — I don’t believe it’s possible to truly trust anyone but yourself — but because it’s such an ugly sounding word. Trust.
Always, he would assure me that I was being silly & worrying over nothing, making me feel foolish for even thinking that something was the matter. Imagine the stupidity (mixed with a bit of pride) I felt when I knew he overdosed. I didn’t know if I should have kicked my own ass for being too dumb to see the signs, or if I should have been proud of my intuition on a matter [drugs] that I knew nothing about. Both completely legit feelings, yet, very contradictory. Regardless, I have never turned my back on an intuition, even when it’s uncomfortable to face. In my heart, I always know; my brain is reluctant to catch up, of course, but I always know.
All of this is not to say that I am in regret; no, everything happens for a reason. I love my husband, more than that small statement can contain. But how do you forget? Rather… how do you really & truly move on? There are days when his overdose is the farthest thing from my mind. Where I feel like it never happened, almost as if it were a horrible nightmare I had. Nothing in our lives now mimics anything of that time, so it seems almost silly to have such vivid recollections. But then… there are days where all I can focus on is the frightening feelings & the deceit that could have — should have — torn us apart.
I wish it would all just stop & let me be alone to be happy in the present. I wish for normalcy. I wish to not be so paranoid. I wish that the scars of the past would stop popping up at all the wrong times. Most importantly, I wish I could have an answer to these questions: do I wish the overdose never happened? or… Am I okay with everything that has transpired, indefinite healing processes & security issues included? I don’t know.
I can’t explain why I find myself talking about this, of all things, tonight & so terribly late, too. Maybe it’s because he is lying in our bed, snoring & stirring, smelling like that of a bar. Maybe it’s because he was a little dishonest with me tonight; or… maybe I am wrong.
One thing is for sure: this particular wound is taking the longest to heal & acknowledging it reopens it.
“We cannot change our memories, but we can change their meaning & the power they have over us.” — David Seamands.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 12:57 am:
I’ve always loved reading your entries. Very poignant. Personal grief is much like grief/mourning. It takes time. A year ago reaches people just like a yesterday memory. As long as you acknowledge it and as long as you know that it is still something within you, you are making progress.
Stay strong.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 5:32 am:
You express so beautifully what I cannot. I so know that feeling – my hubby quit drinking 4 months ago (praise the Lord!) – and it’s hard for me to be lighthearted about alcohol anymore. I just have so much…anxiety about it.
Now, when he’s with his friends, I get so nervous when he hasn’t called me, or is home a little later than he’d told me.
I wish I knew how to get over this as well. Thanks, love. You write so well, it helps me articulate what I’ve been feeling. xo
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 7:10 am:
You have your answer in that last sentence you quoted. The past is the past… it has happened… and you shall remember it for probably all your days, but you just have to attempt to change the effect those memories have on you. That’s of course a lot easier said than done, but that doesn’t mean it’s not to be said. I have no real advice as to how you’ll go about changing that effect, but as they say, the first step to any recovery is recognition. Flex those mental and emotional muscles, and be strong!
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 9:44 am:
Hi, I found your blog through Wishcake/simply me and I absolutely adore it! I love seeing how you put your outfits together but also how you are able to express yourself so well … I’m really sorry that you have to deal with those memories of that horrible night — I can’t even imagine what that would be like, for my own husband to go through that… since I am a worrier and over analyzer, I know I couldn’t stop my mind from going over it and over it… When someone you loves goes through alcohol/drug abuse, you really can’t look at those substances the same … some one close to me has had issues with drinking (still has) and so I know how hard this is … I haven’t written about this at all, I guess because I don’t like to think about it… But yeah, I don’t think I will ever be comfortable drinking around this person for the rest of my life…
On another note — thanks so much for commenting on my blog! And I think it’s so cool you like Dave Brubeck — seriously, you’re like the only other person who likes him besides my dad! For some reason, the only music I can listen to when I’m trying to get my work done is jazz — lyrics just get me all distracted!
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 9:47 am:
Love,
I can’t even tell you how I can relate to your situation. Every year, I recognize the anniversary of the night my life changed; at first, for the utmost worst, but eventually, for the better.
Paranoia haunts me, hallucinations consume my life, and insomnia has somehow made it’s way onto my top friends list; but you know what? I love who I am simply because I live with this experience everyday; and with each day, I grow stronger; as do you.
Your husband’s story is one of inspiration, faith, love, and even that ugly word, trust. It may be unbearable or intolerable at times, but always remember that this experience is your badge above all else. Wear it proudly, knowing that you and your husband share a love that runs deeper than most human minds can even fathom. Have faith in that love; that it won’t ever fail you, no matter what may try to break down your door, or crawl through your window.
Please don’t let this defeat any part of your beautiful aura. My heart is with you.
♥ANGST
P.S. The haircut shall commence this coming Saturday. It will be dedicated to you.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 9:54 am:
Honestly, I could just sit & read your writing all day. You get everything written out so beautifully that I never want the post to end.
I can relate in that my dad was an alcoholic and a drug addict (currently in jail) and it has always been so hard for me to look at drinking and drugs in the same lighthearted manner as my friends. It’s a really difficult thing to come to terms with, although it seems as if you’re handling it well.
I agree with everybody else, stay strong.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am:
To Everyone: thank you all for the kind words. You’ve left me utterly speechless. I am always pleasantly surprised when I see all of these comments, because in my mind I expect that I’m being a bit silly. So to know that my feelings are validated not only through your wisdom, but through personal experience, I’m just flattered. :] Thank you.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 12:42 pm:
Wisdom doesn’t discriminate against age, as I can tell in you. Your cards have dealt you so many emotional experiences and you have handled them all amazingly. Of course after the whole ordeal you start to wonder, how did I miss the signs or if only I had of paid more attention maybe these things wouldn’t of happened. But although it’s been a year……it’s just been one year. Your mind hasn’t completely let it go because the shock of the ordeal still seems new. But with time and becoming okay with talking about it, the worry of it should slowly fade away.
As far as the drinking and the smoking I completely understand why it bothers you. I guess you worry that he’s going to substitute one addiction for another. Which sounds plausible, tell him how you feel and that you just don’t want him to go overboard. But still remember that you are both young and hanging out at the bar is relatively normal. I bet by tomorrow it’ll probably be far from your mind.
P.S. I was reading my comment from the other post and it was filled with so many errors I cringed just reading it. I type so fast without reading it, which is something I have to fix because I can’t go around writing like a 5th grader, haha.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 3:06 pm:
I think more people go through this than will ever tell. You’ve taken the first step.
Its so emotional and such a rollercoaster in life that can really take a toll on you. Just don’t let that happen.
Be strong. Be happy. But those are things that come with a price and making the right decisions to get on with your life is quite a tightrope.
Hang in there.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 6:45 pm:
I hope writing about it helps. I come from a family with alcoholics (not my parents, but uncles and grandparents) it scared me straight for the longest time, but when I finally did have a drink I couldn’t stop at one…it’s really a terrible substance.
on Wednesday, July 16th, 2008 at 11:36 pm:
you are a good woman.
he is a lucky man to have you by his side.
kudos to you. honestly.
stay strong. it will be worth it. i can tell you love each other very much.
-diana.
p.s.
you’re beautiful my dear.
on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 2:21 pm:
Hi, I also found your blog through Wishcake/simply me, and I couldn’t believe it when I read your latest post. I read your husbands writing on what happened, and I have to say that I can relate so much to your situation.
I have a partner of almost 4 years who was in a wreck caused by drunk driving. She was the driver. It was on a 4 wheeler, but none the less. She ended up wrecking and breaking her back. She is now a paraplegic living her life in a wheelchair. Our lives have changed dramatically but one thing is for sure, she no longer is an alcoholic and I am forever grateful. I do not regret it for one second. We can never forget that it happened however, because we are reminded everyday with her paralysis. You both are very lucky you have eachother and such a strong love. It’s really the only thing you need.
on Thursday, July 17th, 2008 at 2:25 pm:
Again, to everyone: thank you so very much. :] Your words of encouragement & heartfelt stories make all the difference to me right now.