everything in its right place, in its right time.
Friday, July 11th, 2008
(This delightful picture was taken around Christmas time of last year (2007). There is no reason why I look distressed & why my husband looks so debonair & normal. I just can never willingly take a decent picture without making a silly face.)
My husband usually has amazing stories to tell. Last night, I asked him to tell me little Buddhist parables about finding enlightenment. He tells them so amazingly well & I enjoy them as if they were meant to be read before bedtime. I have to say, though, that I never understand these stories. Apparently, only those who have experienced “true enlightenment” could understand the vagueness of these parables — & I am not enlightened. Thus, they usually fly over my head so quickly that I barely have time to try to catch them. When I ask Lover to explain it to me, he just gives me this mysterious answer: “Once you perceive it without using your brain, you will understand it.” I loathe it when he says this.
In spite of that, I love them (& him) & always giggle when each story ends with “& then… he was enlightened.” I feel like that is too much of a dramatic conclusion for such a small tale! These stories are usually about desperate monks who desire to reach the highest level consciousness. So desperate, that they often cut off their arm or their finger, just to show the Master Guru (who has already reached enlightenment) that they are completely serious about wanting to be enlightened.
When the Master Guru senses their madness (& that’s really what it is: sheer & tangible madness, because really… who cuts off their arm, for Heaven’s sake, to prove a point?), he will tell them to do something completely off the wall — like purchase 3 pounds of flax, for instance — & apparently, that will show them the way to enlightenment. Suddenly, just as it’s getting interesting, Lover will announce: “& then… he was enlightened” which signals the end of the parable. These stories are often so serious that this simple statement from Lover sends me into fits of delightful laughter. & I can’t explain why it’s giggle-worthy. The way my husband says “& then… he was enlightened” just tickles me & makes me swoon, just ever so slightly. His voice is so deep & smooth; he never stutters when he speaks. Or… maybe he does stutter, but I would never notice because I’m too engrossed in the vibrations that his speech tends to send through my body. (This is quite true, by the way.)
A few months ago, my husband shared a story on his blog. This story is painfully true; almost to the point of disbelief. & when he tells this story, I do not laugh. I cry. Naturally, with every story there are 2 sides. In this case, one is his & the other is my own, because I was there as the story unfolded.
I wrote my side of the story in a haunting detail not too long ago, but threw it away; I couldn’t bear to publish it. Mostly because I didn’t want to immortalize it. Even speaking about it now, as vaguely as I am, it sends shivers down my back & reluctantly brings me back to the times when Lover & I had no connection; when there were nothing but secrets, lies & dishonesty between us. While I still kick myself for throwing such a decent piece of work into the garbage, I eventually realized that Lover’s story is our story together, no matter how sorrowful or shameful; that even though I didn’t tell my part, he is speaking for both of us. I am his wife, after all & it is his story to tell… not mine.
While I still play with the idea of rewriting my side to this story, I can never come to a decent conclusion. But that’s quite fine with me; everything in its right place, of course.
I admire my husband for having the courage to speak so candidly about something that hit us so terribly hard. I love him for his integrity & for his strength. I look up to him because of his ability to keep moving forward to become a better man for our little family & for himself. Despite our hardships in healing from the past, he is my hero, completely.
The story of his overdose on cocaine & his recovery is here.
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 8:49 am:
His story was inspirational and beautiful. You’re married to an amazing man.
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 9:06 am:
Wow. I was going to post about how gorgeous y’all are (true), but now… wow. I’m going off to read his story and all I can say is thank the Lord that he’s kicked it!
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 10:39 am:
Wow, you both seem to be meant for each other. Your stories are so amazing. Its amazing how positive your outlook is. I can tell how much you love him, even in how you describe his enlightenment stories. I can also tell that you probably had a giant smile on your face as you were writing it. You are a really strong amazing woman, and I don’t say that about a lot of people but you are. :)
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 11:49 am:
I read your post, then went over to your hubby’s page and read his story. Very very powerful stuff. You guys went thru a lot… and made thru together. Well done. I applaud and sincerely admire you both… a true tale of love conquers all. Thank you for sharing.
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 12:55 pm:
I just heard a Buddhist parable about an hour ago and WAS enlightened. I’ll share it with you if I can find the transcript, I’m not good at redelivery. Anyway, now I’m eager to jump over to Lovers blog and read the story. All this build up has me curious.
I’ll say this although it’s blatantly obvious, you’re a gorgeous girl. Pretty damn good writer too. Ok, thats all, on to read your lucky mans blog.
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 5:09 pm:
@ ashley: thank you. :]
@ Traci Anne: Aw, why thank you. :] & I am very glad, too, that he’s recovered. Works cannot express that.
@ Kelly: thank you so much for your kind words. They really touched my heart & almost reminded me of how much I truly love my husband. =]
@ Aaron: thank you so much; I really don’t know what else to say other than that. ;] With this post, I’m at a loss for words.
@ Sean C: I am very curious about this parable you’ve heard & were enlightened from; DO tell! & thank you! I suppose I’m not too shabby (in the writing sense, of course).
on Friday, July 11th, 2008 at 10:09 pm:
I should be asleep… (ya know, wedding tomorrow and all that)… but I ran a swift blog check first and I am very glad I did. I sat back and read your husband’s story and neglected to realize that my eyes had misted over and a single tear ran down my cheek before it ended. Your story of love and understanding was something really inspirational to read the night before I get married. My fiance and I have struggled with lies & dishonesty in regard to addictions as well in the past… it’s good to know that there are other people who emerge from the other end relatively unscathed and possibly better for it, more appreciative of life. xoxo.
on Sunday, July 13th, 2008 at 7:20 pm:
Oh wow. What an amazing post your husband wrote. And an awe-inspiring story. Without divulging too much – let’s just say I can relate to you. It’s been hard. It was good to read that. Thank you to both of you. :)
on Monday, July 14th, 2008 at 11:46 am:
@ Abby: I was truly touched by your comment. To know that I you read this on the eve of your wedding day makes me feel that much more special. I really appreciate your kind words & my heart goes out to you. :] I hope your wedding was a blast! I can’t wait to hear about it.
@ ashley.marie: you don’t have to say another word. I just hope that you begin to see that there will be light at the end of the tunnel; there was for us. :] & if you would ever like to talk about it, I am here.
on Monday, July 14th, 2008 at 4:11 pm:
wow that is so awesome that your husband has such insight and such amazing stories to share. he has definitely come a long way and it’s great that he can share it.
on Friday, November 7th, 2008 at 3:02 pm:
[...] it feels much, much longer. I’m proud that we’ve come this far, through heartbreaking obstacles & silly little [...]