Tuesday, July 1st, 2008
history repeats itself, surely.
I’ve been struggling to find words to describe my mood & my inner feelings. (I get like this when I begin to feel insignificant.) It’s as though my heart wants to cry out at the top of its lungs, but my fear of rejection silences all attempts. I have been terribly on edge because of my inability to let go & just say.
This morning, I opened my little red diary, in the hopes that maybe I had written something in the past that could express what I feel today. Surprisingly, I found one. Although it doesn’t precisely describe how I’m feeling, it’s fairly close. A bit too close, I think, for comfort.
July 11, 2006 - Tuesday
What happened to my confidence? Suddenly, it has gone to a place that I can’t exist. I hate that more than anything. I feel so incompetent & silly all the time, in almost every circumstance I am in. I feel as though I no longer have an understanding of who I am. I yearn to be what everyone else. I don’t like knowing that I am [still] so easily intimidated & tongue-tied. At the same time, I want to remain true to myself & continue to be “Ev’Yan” because she can be powerful. But, I am timid & unsure of myself.
Boys intimidate me & I am jealous of the pretty girls. I stay quiet most of the time so that I won’t say something I feel is stupid; I am my own worst critic, obviously. I am overly conscious of the stares I get, & I usually imagine that they don’t like what they see. I hate that I don’t belong to a certain “clique” & that I don’t have a label because if I can’t identify with myself, than surely, no one else can either. I hate rejection; being taken advantage of has caused me to become quite conscious of that familiar letdown feeling. I don’t feel “cool” or like I belong. Inside, I feel more like a square. I stutter when I am put on the spot & I say things I don’t really mean to make up for my insecurity feelings. I am very hard on myself about these things; I haven’t ever tried to deal with it since I was in 6th grade.
It brings me back to the first time I was ever at summer camp. I was the only black girl there, in a swarm of blond-haired beauties. I remember crying one night because I felt lame & out of place; I didn’t have any friends. I was deeply intimidated by everyone who conversed with me, because I felt — & almost knew — that they were better than me; they were desired more than me. I walked with my head down; I felt very small.
I feel small now. —E.
This revealing of my innermost thoughts is me trying to be more courageous in identifying & admitting my emotions, even if they are unattractive & melancholy. I need to become better at admitting these bad feelings, remembering them & embracing them; telling them that it’s okay, that I love them & that this, too, shall pass. Most importantly, I need to start accepting my true self.
Because, for some reason, I am just much better at being introverted, than gregarious.
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 3:41 pm:
I think you are very brave.
& in response to your feelings of insignificance, I am certain those feelings are completely unnecessary. Though I don’t know you I do know that your blog truly stands out for me & I’m glad–no, I’m grateful, that I came across it.
In many ways I can relate to your entries because I am also very soft spoken & easily intimidated. I constantly retreat into myself. Your diary has been very encouraging for me, especially when you show your vulnerability, because there is such strength simply in being able to do that. Hopefully your efforts will leave you feeling more empowered. Also, your writing is beautiful.
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 6:44 pm:
embracing the negative thoughts. accepting my true self. it is like the words came from my own writing.
i understand.
=)
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 8:37 pm:
I dealt with feelings of a similar nature a couple of years ago. I always felt self-conscious around groups of people, I was very aware of my clothing and hair and how I might appear to others, and the worst part, I self censored my speech.
I know it is a hard feeling to overcome, I don’t want to make it sound like I just woke up one day and was like “I am confident!!” but it took me a couple of painful breakups and several realizations (and hair color changes) to come into my true self. Now I wear what I want, I accept that I am “weird” and I voice my opinions. I believe in you and I hope your efforts to embrace your true self will lead you to the same self-actualization I (finally) achieved!!
on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 4:14 am:
by posting this, i think you are being very brave and doing a lot about overcoming these insecurities that i think most of us have. i, for what i can say only “knowing you” through the things you write, admire your thoughtfulness and your ability to put your feelings on paper (or web pages ;) ). i get the impression that you have a lot to offer and really hope you realize that a bit more every day.
throwbacks are essential, but i feel you are on the right track! and if i had been in summer camp with you, i would have been the other girl not knowing anyone and hiding in a corner. have a fantastic day!
on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 8:05 am:
I think there has been definite growth from July 11, 2006 till now… and that says a lot. You don’t need to be an extrovert to be confident, secure and sure of yourself. In fact, from what I’ve noticed among most ppl I know, is that the introverts usually have a better understanding of themselves than the extroverts do.
You have a great ability to truly listen to your own thoughts and analyze them well… and that also says a lot. Give yourself more credit. “Ev’Yan†had grown and is continuously evolving… and from what I can see, evolving in the right direction for self actualization.
Keep being you… keep learning you… You’ll be fine :)
: ::HUGS:: :
on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 1:53 pm:
You’re so brave to put it all on the line like this! I completely identify, and feel guilty about my insecurity - I should be over it by now, I’m not in high school any more! I think I’m moving ahead though, and it definitely seems that you are. You’re quite inspirational, and I must say, extremely gorgeous. Within the first few seconds of ever looking at your blog, I remember thinking how much you resembled Halle Berry!
on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 2:30 pm:
@ Zoe: thank you so very much. :] Your kind words put a big smile on my face, but more importantly, I was moved to know that I have made a difference in your life somehow. That is amazing, to say the least, & I appreciate the support.
@ chickbug: It’s nice to know that there is someone out there who feels the same as I do. Thank you. :]
@ abz: I hear you on the hair color changes! When I was getting over a nasty breakup, I dyed my hair black & decided to take on whatever role a black haired girl does. It’s been this way ever since. :] Thanks, too, for the encouraging words.
@ Anna: Aw, thank you! That is extremely thoughtful. :] I appreciate the uplifting words.
@ Aaron: thank you, dear friend, for bringing me back to reality, in a sense. I needed to hear those words, because I am so hard on myself; TOO hard on myself. & I have a tendency to forget all the amazing strides I have made to get to where I am today. =] You are very thoughtful. I admire your discretion.
@ Sarah: I feel the same way; that because I am not in highschool anymore, I have no reason to be this timid. You’re not alone in your thoughts (or maybe it is the other way around…?). & thank you for the compliments. :] They made my day.
on Saturday, July 5th, 2008 at 1:23 pm:
I just joined 20something and started surfing through blogs. This post is perfection.
I think it’s unbearably adorable that this guy stopped and asked. I would be elated if someone talked to me so candidly in a bookstore. I also have a penchant for the tall lanky shy awkward adorable type- my artist husband definitely fills that bill.
Also -this is very forward and odd of me- a lot of my friends are over the top fans of She Comes First and Passionista. Maybe next time you’re in the section…
on Saturday, July 5th, 2008 at 1:24 pm:
i definitely posted that comment on the wrong post… and it looks totally innappropriate. oops.