Sunday, June 29th, 2008
apricot’s closet: tights & awkward situations.
Shirt, from American Apparel; shorts & shoes, from Ross; tights, from H&M; necklace is my mother’s.
[scene]
It’s a Saturday night at Barnes & Noble. I am sitting in the Sexuality isle, reading an explicit book about how to give the perfect blow job, one leg extended out & the other tucked underneath me. I notice a few people loitering around me, but don’t bother to pay them any attention. After the wanderers clear away, it’s just me & this lanky fellow who is between the age of 20-25. He is standing terribly close to me (or maybe the isles are just small) & I’m starting to think he might need something, because he is pacing about. After a long hesitation, he speaks.
Lanky Fellow: [quietly] Excuse me?
Me: [thinking] Is he talking to me? I hope he’s not talking to me…
Lanky Fellow: [a little louder] Um, excuse me, miss?
Me: [looks up] … yes?
Lanky Fellow: I-I’m sorry to bother you but I just, uh, n-need your advice… if you don’t mind.
Me: [closes book] Okay, sure. How can I help?
Lanky Fellow: Well… I… I’m getting married next week & I was wondering what kind of, uh… books you would recommend for me. Sex books, I mean. You see, it’s my… my first time &… I just need to know some pointers… Would you mind helping me out?
Me: [smiling, to hide my humility] Uh… sure. I mean, I can try. What kind of book are you looking for?
Lanky Fellow: Well… uh, what do you think? I mean… from a women’s perspective, of course, what would you like your… man to… to do, uh, to you… you know what I mean? [clears throat]
Me: [really trying not to giggle, because I don't want to embarrass him] Uh, wow. Um… I don’t know! I mean, you could always go for this book [picks up "Sex for Dummies"] I’m sure this might be informative for you.
Lanky Fellow: [looking crestfallen, almost sad] Oh… I see. You think I’m a dummy… don’t you?
Me: [mortified] Oh no no no! Not at all! That’s not what I meant at all! …
Lanky Fellow: Are you sure? I just… I don’t know about this book…
Me: No no no, I completely understand. I’m sorry. Uh… [pause, trying to collect thoughts] Uh… how about this one? (A book called Urban Tantra) My husband & I [putting a MAJOR stress on the word "husband"] got this book, & we really like it.
Lanky Fellow: [face lights up] Oh yeah? This book is good?
Me: Sure! I mean… I haven’t really read it; my husband has. But he enjoys it so you might like it, as well.
[awkward pause, as he's paging through naked illustrations, hand job techniques & contortionist positions]
Me: Is that book okay? Because I’m sure there are others. You know, I’m not very good with this kind of thing… [thinking, SHIT; How bad did that just sound? I'm not very good with this kind of thing? Oh my god; way to sound like a square. I just made a complete idiot out of myself.]
Lanky Fellow: No no, this is perfect! Thank you so much for all of your help. I really appreciate it.
Me: [still trying to get over the hint of my impotence] Oh sure… sure, no problem! I hope I helped you a little.
Lanky Fellow: Oh you did! Thank you so much. Sorry to bother you!
Me: No trouble at all! … Good luck!
Lanky Fellow waves me off, with a gleam of hope in his eye. & there I sit, in the small Sexuality isle of Barnes & Noble, trying to collect my bearings, while asking myself, Are you serious? Did that really just happen?
These things only happen to me.
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 3:32 pm:
Haaa.. that’s hilarious! How akward for the poor boy. Someone would need to be very desperate to ask a stranger for help like that.
Also- I love, love, love that necklace! :)
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 3:54 pm:
haha what an exchange! i was a christmas temp in waterstones and they strangely put the sex section on the kids floor (sort of went from kids to babies to pregnancy to sex books) and every day men used to sit in the chair and thumb through the books, and i had to tidy them up! also some strange guy used to buy satanic books allll the time!
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 4:58 pm:
Wow all that happened in B&N? Crazy. FYI: love the outfit, you have adorable stuff. That’s nice of you to help him, I can only imagine how embarrassed he was.
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 4:59 pm:
Hi from Paris stylish Apricot
I am right now covering the Paris fashion week that began last week and still for few days,
I try to forget nobody interested in fashion and style like you because I know that it could help you to find some inspiration for your coming styles.
Dior, Hermès, Agnès B… I hope you’ll like my photo coverage.
have a great evening and keep on being stylish
Kamel
http://WWW.STYLEANDTHECITY.COM
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 6:09 pm:
what a hilarious story! that poor guy. i think oyu really helped him :)
love your lais back outfit, and that necklace is so pretty. and (without wanting to sound akward): oh my, you have really nice legs!
on Sunday, June 29th, 2008 at 10:27 pm:
supersex by tracy cox. enough said
:)
fantastic story!
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 7:43 am:
Oh my, that’s hilarious. I feel sorry for the lanky fellow and you–I wonder what his bride is like…I go to a conservative Christian college and while we have the “wild” ones who indulge in pre-marital sex, we also have the wildly naive ones who are so clueless it’s a bit distressing…
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 7:46 am:
bravo to you for maintaining a sense of decorum and composure while to talking to him because it would have been a completely different scenario for me!
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 10:14 am:
@ sandy: Oh, I know. I wonder how things turned out for him… & thanks! My mom is missing this necklace, I’m sure. ;]
@ selina: Satanic books? How creepy! That gives me the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.
@ Jessica: If I wouldn’t be have been put on the spot, I don’t know if I would have helped him. I may have even suggested that he ask a sales associate… but I was so surprised that I had no other choice but to try to help. Talk about embarrassing… for both of us!
@ Kamel: thank you for the invite. :] I’ll be sure to check it out!
@ anna: That’s not awkward sounding at all! Thank you very much. ;]
@ Crystal: I’ve heard of Tracy Cox; I’ll have to give that one a whirl.
@ The Clothes Horse: How funny; a lot of my high school friends were in Christian schools & they were, by the far, some of the most promiscuous I’ve ever known! It’s ironic how that works.
@ thatShortChick: Oh, you have no idea how many times I was trying to stifle my laughter. I almost asked him straight out “Are you a virgin?” but thought that it would be an inappropriate question.
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 10:36 am:
I found myself reading this conversation out loud and laughing to myself due to the complete and utter awkwardness of it. I do that during awkward parts of books too… XD
As a sidenote I could sit in any area of Barnes & Nobles for hours on end… it’s my favorite retreat.
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 2:12 pm:
Such a chic look - you are too pretty :-)
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 2:15 pm:
You are WAY too adorable. (And is it bad to say I’m completely jealous of your tiny little thighs?! I’m small, but I cannot get THAT small. Lucky.)
That necklace *makes* the outfit. Any idea where your mom got it? haha
I loved your retelling of the conversation. Kind of HILARIOUS. (And you used “crestfallen”! What a great word!)
(Sex books are great.)
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 2:27 pm:
Awesome. I love awkward situations.
Wait, does that make me perverse?
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 6:22 pm:
Oh, wow. That is awkward and hilarious at the same time. Nice work helping him out!
on Monday, June 30th, 2008 at 7:03 pm:
First of all, adorable outfit, as always. You are seriously one of the most striking people I’ve ever seen.
Second of all, it makes me laugh that you hang out in the sexuality aisle of Barnes & Noble. I always get too paranoid unless I’m with one of my besties. I always feel like people are watching what I’m reading, or worry that a little kid is going to walk by and see what I’m looking at. I overthink things, obviously.
Third of all, you are too sweet to help out that guy! Really, if he was being honest, I’m sure it took him alot to even talk to you about that. You must be a very approachable person! Most guys would have worried about what a girl would think of him when asking that question. What an adorable story, though. It made me happy.
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 4:50 am:
OMG how embarrassing! That’ll teach you to linger round the sex section! Love the tights and shorts, nice work x M
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 7:57 am:
Ohhhh, that sweet guy! That’s hilarious though, I can only imagine how awkward that was!
on Tuesday, July 1st, 2008 at 10:11 am:
@ abby: I do that, too, sometimes; reading books outloud. :] I love going to bookstores too, but after this incident, I’m a little leery.
@ Always in Style: thank you very much. =]
@ ashley: Aw, thank you! I am growing quite fond of my chicken legs, lately. :] I have no clue where my mom got this necklace; her jewelry box is filled with antique style jewelry. That’s why I “borrowed” it from her. ;] & yes, sex books are my newest obsession.
@ nico: Maybe just a little, but that’s okay. ;]
@ e.p.: I did my best, although I hope to never be put in a situation like that again.
@ wishcake: 1.) Thank you, love! That is too kind of you. :] 2.) I was the same way. It took me until I was married to be comfortable enough to go down the sex isle without my husband. I would only feel okay with it when I knew he was there with me… but now, I just don’t care. 3.) Well, I suppose I’m glad I helped him… but I can’t help but think that it may have been a joke, or something…
@ marianne: I don’t mind lingering around the sex section! I just don’t like to be bothered by crazy questions. ;] & thanks.
@ Trace: It was far too awkward to put into words. ;/
on Thursday, July 10th, 2008 at 12:10 am:
OHMYGOD!!!! that must have been awkward/HILARIOUS! thanks for sharing :)
on Wednesday, August 13th, 2008 at 10:22 am:
HAHAHAHA, why am I just now reading this. This is hilarious, this story is so adorable. I’m sure the guy wouldn’t think so but its so adorable that he was nervous. ;)