Monday, June 23rd, 2008
little red diary.
I have been reading the saddest story, about a girl who is very lost & wounded & afraid. This girl is confused about who she is & doesn’t know what to do with her life. Most importantly, she is heartbroken from a past relationship & is now on a mission to find love in anything & anyone. She goes through many hard days of depression, panic attacks, & lustful relationships before meeting the man of her dreams (the one who saved her from herself), who is now her husband. & although she has finally found her happy ending, the questions never cease & she still struggles with the reality of who she is now, versus who she was then.
This story is — how shall I say this without sounding utterly pretentious? — my own. & it really is terribly sad.
I don’t know why I continue to do this to myself, when I am well aware that reading old diaries puts me in a dangerous mood. I start feeling sorry for myself (my past self) & begin feeling as though I am having a trippy, out of body experience. Yet… I persistently turn the pages to see what happens next, as if I didn’t already know.
It’s far too easy to get engrossed & involved in my old diaries. While reading, I feel like it truly is a fictional book, about a made up character. I can willingly feel sympathy towards this sad girl, but not identify with her. It keeps me in the past at a safe distance, but not exactly in the past. I am just an onlooker, a passerby, but I am not her. Or, so I tell myself while I am reading. I try to stay far removed from those brutal memories that have been immortalized on paper.
My little red diary is bulging with tales of dead relationships, old wishes & unfulfilled dreams. It is also filled with letters to past lovers that were never sent, letters to myself to try to keep me sane, & letters to my future self to remind me of how far I’ve come. I suppose I am a little obsessed with trying to better myself. Nevertheless, it has kept me somewhat sane.
Thankfully, not everything in this journal — the feelings, mainly — remains true; I was terribly depressed & anxious then. But, I must say that there was one entry that struck me, simply because it’s still quite accurate, in the midst of it being written over 2 years ago. I’d like to share it here.
June 14, 2006 - Wednesday
I have many secrets. And part of my daily routine is trying to hold onto them the best way I can. Revealing nothing keeps everything in a safe place. If no one knows the important things about you, then surely they cannot find your weaknesses, the things that make you upset, the things that give you pleasure. Even the good things are dangerous. I refuse to let anyone in. It’s becoming quite lonely. Nonetheless, it’s a perfect strategy.
No matter how perfect, I still find it hard to maintain this frame of mind. The mysteriousness, the “leaving some to the imagination.” I’m not an introvert; I really am quite the social butterfly. And sometimes I get so excited & out of place at one question of inquiry, that I lose my train of thought & I say too much. Because questions [to me] are rare. The genuine concerning curiosity of another doesn’t exist without an ulterior motive. This I know. I know when I’ve said too much & I kick myself for days because I feel as though I let someone in, too close, too soon. For as much as I know it true, I refuse to wear my heart on my sleeve. At least, to the outsiders & so-called friends. I don’t want to be like those stupid girls, who speak of their drama loosely. I want to be the strong, silent type; the one no one can crack. And if I shall find “The One” to do the job [to crack me], he shall be privileged, honored & grateful.
My secrets are precious. My soul is sacred. I feel like everything about me is a gift. God made it so. I am a temple; not just my body, but my spirit & mind. No one can enter freely. And only a select few on the Earth ever will. Mark my words. I take pride in this stature, however arrogant it sounds. Leave most stones unturned, for you & everyone else, so that life will have much meaning.
This is the one thing I adore about myself. —- E.
This diary has been abandoned. I haven’t written in it since September of last year; I will probably never touch this diary again. It’s quite frustrating because it’s not the writing that I’ve neglected — obviously, I have found this little nook on the internet to keep as my own space — but it’s the red diary itself. It goes deeper than it being out of style; it’s about having emotionally let myself go from it. No longer needing to rely on this book to cry into.
I’ve found other means to express my discontentment, my happiness, my worries & frustrations. I paint now. I speak to my husband directly, or I write him letters. Most importantly, I deal with these emotions within myself, or, rather, I am trying to learn how to do this. Because I don’t want to need a diary or an outlet. I want to be strong enough, wise enough & confident enough to resolve it within myself, without the help of an object or a someone. I truly think that I have outgrown my old diaries… & as much as that hurts, I feel that something needs to be done about it.
Drastically, I’m considering burning them all.
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 9:37 am:
That diary entry was beautiful. I feel weird about throwing away and/or burning stuff like that, even though I have done it in the past. But I guess it all depends on what kind of feelings it induces in you. If you can look at it, and just smile and be aware of how much you’ve grown and where you’ve come from without an adverse effect, then maybe you should keep it around. But if it brings out awful, ill feelings I guess trash/burn it… any how… it’s your call… but no matter what you do with it you may still have to deal with the emotions it stirs up
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 9:56 am:
don’t burn it! you may want to remember it some day. and it’s always important to look back.
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 10:23 am:
I started smiling before I could even finish reading this, cos I can relate to reading ‘a story’ and the character is you (my book birth)….Seeing how far I’ve come, the experiences and lessons that make me me.
It can be a trip sometimes…and whether it’s our intention or not, our lives mirror someone. And whether it’s your diary here or my book there, it’s funny how the reflections link up somehow, and both sides realize they weren’t alone….very cool :).
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 11:10 am:
thanks for writing this beautiful post! i hesitated a while before reading it to the end because i felt it wasn’t my right to read it :) i’m glad i did, since your words are really touching and i can relate in many ways! i’d say: burn it if you feel like leaving this written evidence behind you. might be “cleansing”.
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 11:45 am:
simply beautiful…but that’s not anything rare for you :-)
i just hope you really take the time to think about burning those diaries. duh, it’s your decision, your life, your business, but based on that entry alone, those words are too beautiful to throw out.
i threw out a diary that i used to write in from grades 5 to about 8th grade, i regret it.
what does hubby think?
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 12:18 pm:
@ Aaron: thank you, sir. :] I find that my older writings are a lot more articulate than the ones I do now. Maybe because I was much more sorrowful then? You know, some artists work better under the influence of sadness than happiness. I’m one of them. ;/ The diaries do bring up some ill emotions of my ex lover & the contents of my life then. I’m still thinking about whether or not I should burn them…
@ the almost right word: I feel the same way, partially, but then the other part of me feels like I need to be rid of the past. Cut your losses, as they say…
@ Ashe.Selah: You are so right! I have felt many times that certain people I’ve stumbled across have a life parallel to my own. Which is half comforting & half saddening because I would never want someone to go through the things I’ve gone through in my past; the bad things, I mean.
@ Anna: Aw. :] I’m so glad to know that I moved you with my words. As I said to Aaron, I was a much better writer back then because I was heavily sad & depressed. Funny how those things work! I am really considering burning them, simply because I’m ready to lose the baggage of past moments. I still feel like I’m carrying some of the those burdens. But it’s such a detrimental decision; I need to think about this carefully for a while.
@ thatShortChick: thank you, love! I appreciate the compliment, very much so. I am most certainly going to take time to think about this before I put it into action. This isn’t the first time I’ve contemplated burning my old writings. My husband, on the other hand, feels like I should keep them. Simply because he thinks that it would make a wonderful memoir someday. & he might be right! With all of this feedback, it’s certainly caused me to rethink everything. :]
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 5:30 pm:
i so admire your ability to be so open with your true thoughts and emotions in your blog. what a great quality. it tells me you are confident in yourself and comfortable with who you are.
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 6:35 pm:
Wow I give you credit for going back and reading them and sharing an entry. Seriously. I kept all my own journals and am honestly too afraid to open them so I keep them in a box in my closet. Maybe one day I’ll open it.
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 7:37 pm:
I really, really love that entry from 2 years ago. How true it is. :]
Let’s see your paintings!
on Monday, June 23rd, 2008 at 11:16 pm:
i would say keep it. maybe it will help you relate to your kids someday! i feel like i have been in that place too, it is just part of growing up…. i feel like i am comfortable in my own skin now.
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 8:25 am:
Hi, just stumbled across your blog.
You write beautifully and honestly, I’ll be back.
(And as a newlywed vegetarian myself - I love that you are, too!)
And your blog design is gorgeous. :)
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 11:02 am:
You write with such honesty and passion. That entry that you wrote from a couple of years ago I can really relate to. Do show us some of your paintings!
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 11:18 am:
@ Crystal: wow, thank you! What an amazing compliment. I never looked at my ability to write to have something to do with my own confidence. I am always one to harshly judge myself & I often feel very awkward & lame, so what you said is very dear to me. It allowed me to rethink my own criticism. Thank you. :]
@ Jessica: I am the same way. This one particular diary I wrote about I am okay with rereading. But I, too, have a huge boxed filled with old diaries that I haven’t gone near in YEARS. Those are the ones I want to burn, not this one. I know precisely how you feel. Sigh.
@ Natalie: I’m flattered you liked it. :] & my paintings are VERY amateur. I’ve been thinking about showing them here, but I’m a bit hesitant. ;]
@ kate: See, that’s what I want. I want to feel okay with the past that is so painfully written in my past diaries & feel comfortable enough in my skin to not want to burn them. Then again, I keep thinking about how much space I would gain if I did get rid of them. ;] I could store a lot more things in my treasure chest!
@ ashley: Although I went to your blog personally & wrote you a comment in response to yours, thank you again. :] I really appreciate it.
@ Val: I find it kind of strange that so many people can relate to my words, because when writing it, I felt so alone in my feelings. I guess it’s a little comforting to know that I only seemed to be alone, but I was really in good company. & the paintings are on it’s way! I just need to muster up enough courage to show them off. :]
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 11:24 am:
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing that. It is quite strange to read a diary from years ago and not feel connected to that person anymore. A few months ago I found an old diary I had left at my mother’s house. It was from 10 years ago. I was in a really bad place and didn’t really realize it. The last entry was a letter to myself for 10 years later (2008). It was beautiful and made me cry. I had written a love letter to myself and it was the best thing I had read in a long time.
I don’t know if you should burn them. Years from now it can be a great reminder of how far you’ve come.
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 11:27 am:
Time Capsule them!! :D I did that to all my old journals and am still yet to open the capsule itself. Some of the diaries I had from 5th grade are beyond embarrassing but I simply couldn’t bring myself to actually part with them. Additionally I have buried some of my online diaries as well… but they are not gone, just hidden. :) I think it helps you remember a different part of yourself and therefore is just as important as who you are today. *shrugs*
Also, thanks for the heartfelt comments on my own blog recently. They really helped me out
P.S. Show your paintings <3
on Tuesday, June 24th, 2008 at 1:07 pm:
I found an old diary of mine recently and had no qualms about throwing it out. The mood was depressed and the words weren’t artistic, so why keep it? If I’d been more eloquent, perhaps it would be worth hanging on to it, but as it was it just reminded me of things I was happy to forget.
on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 6:45 am:
Oh wow. I’m currently working on a post about my old diaries. It’s so odd to find that you’ve done the same thing. I really actually hate reading my old diary. I feel depressed and sad. It makes me feel like I didn’t have any control and I should have known better. But I guess it’s all about learning. Sometimes though..I wish I would have just burnt them without reading it.
on Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 at 9:36 am:
@ That Saddity Chic: I wrote a love letter to myself, as well. It’s around here somewhere. :]
@ abby: that’s a wonderful idea! & you’re welcome. =]
@ WendyB: This is precisely the reason I want to throw mine out. They’re terribly depressing & I haven’t even read the ones where it speaks about my ex lover. I don’t know… I keep going back & forth with this.
@ ashley: You’re right; it’s all about learning. Hind sight is always 20/20, you know. :] I can’t wait to read your post about your old diaries.
on Monday, August 25th, 2008 at 12:05 pm:
Don’t burn them! Keep them, or sell them! I keep having dreams that I find vending machines selling people’s old journals. I think it would be magical if this were real. It would make a change from reading the edited, fake lives of celebrities. Ordinary people are much more exciting to read about. I realise that you wrote this post months ago, but I wanted to comment nevertheless.
on Monday, September 8th, 2008 at 1:37 pm:
Please don’t burn them. I wrote journals in early 1960’s when I was very unhappy teenager. I found them recently and read them for the first time in decades. It was eerie to read your old diary entry here because this is exactly what I did to protect myself, and I wrote about it, as you did here:
“Revealing nothing keeps everything in a safe place. If no one knows the important things about you, then surely they cannot find your weaknesses, the things that make you upset, the things that give you pleasure. Even the good things are dangerous. I refuse to let anyone in. It’s becoming quite lonely. Nonetheless, it’s a perfect strategy.”
I too was obsessed with trying to better myself.
What’s sad, when I read those journals now, is to realize what a wonderful young girl I was — I didn’t know it then because I was under constant attack. And I thought there was something terribly wrong with me (not with my caretakers) and if I could only fix it, my caretakers would actually care about me.
on Sunday, September 28th, 2008 at 11:41 am:
it amazes me when you read some of your own writings. It’s like a time capsule that captures the moment where you were at your most vulnerable. Sometimes it’s good to keep them as momentos to remember where you were before to appreciate where you are now. :)