Monday, June 16th, 2008
it’s a bloody monday.
I’ve been in an unusual mood all week. Most importantly & seriously, I haven’t been able to write. It seems as though I can’t compose anything without thinking about it so perpetually that it scares me away. I am in a rut (quarter life crisis, maybe?) & it’s that icky, insatiable “in the middle” feeling. It’s wretched. I don’t feel like myself. Even as I’m writing this now, it’s like pulling eye teeth. I don’t have it in me, but I want it so badly. Writing is my vice & because I haven’t been doing much of it — & I mean, real writing; none of this “Ooo, look what I’m wearing today!” bullshit — I feel strangely out of my own loop. Weird… but true.
I could take time to blame my mood on the obvious things around me (the ridiculous price of the gas, the depleting of the ozone layer, the poor polars bears being in danger, even!) just so I can neglect the obvious & save my own pride, but that’s not right. The real reason I am such a mess right now is because of… my menstrual cycle. Yes, the Curse of the Month, the stereotypical mood enhancer (or killer, whoever you’d like to look at it) is causing me to be a little out of my mind. I truly hate to complain about this because I am very tired of women using that as an excuse to justify their bitchiness (”Honey, I’m sorry I smacked you with that spatula, but it’s my PMS; you understand, don’t you?”) & I certainly don’t want to be like that. But I don’t want to deny my loathing in regards to this. What I’m simply trying to say is that I hate this Time of the Month.
For the record, I don’t think this whole bleeding out once a month thing is quite fair. I also don’t understand why some women say that their periods are a breeze: “Oh, your periods are bad? Well, isn’t that too bad! Mine aren’t at all! They’re so simple! They’re so easy! All I do is insert a tampon & in a few days, the bleeding just magically disappears! Isn’t that simply wonderful?!” I want to slap these women. It’s not that I don’t believe them; maybe their bodies aren’t as possessed with the Red Devil as mine or anyone else’s, but it’s highly unlikely. I think those women are in denial. Matter of fact, I think some women tell themselves that their periods are no big deal to them, just so they can exhibit some sort of control. Maybe they might do it because they want men to know that it doesn’t get to them like that & they’re not going to be the stereotypical female who wants to go around slapping people with spatulas. Maybe it’s borderline feministic. I don’t know; I’m truly pulling straws here, but whatever the reason, it’s ludicrous.
Personally speaking, my little body handles the Time of the Month with as much strength as the Spartans did in the battle against the Persians; hoping for the best, expecting the worst & ready to fight to the death, while still maintaining a bit of dignity. It really is like this; ask any woman & I’m sure they’ll compare it to a battle scene. A bloody battle scene, at that. (Which makes me wonder how hemophobics handle this occurrence. Poor dears.)
First, there are the cramps; that is the first tell-tale sign that something terrible is about it happen. The feeling of this is like being poked with 100 forks, but at different speeds & at different angles. & right as the cramps/poking is starting to subside, there follows a rumble, almost like a spasm, that goes through every nerve in your body. You know something is going on down there, so you take a gander & see the first sight of blood in your underwear. & so the battle begins.
It’s a battle of epic proportions, every single month. The cravings of food are so horrendous that it’s a wonder that you haven’t eaten yourself out of house or home. First, you crave chocolate. You must have it; you MUST! Or you shall die! (That is what your body is seemingly telling you.) So you get some chocolate & you gorge yourself into a sweet coma. Afterward, your body is now whispering loudly in your ear, “Salt! I must have salt now! Something salty or you shall die!!!” Back to the pantry you go, where you pick up a bag of pretzels. After nearly polishing off half of the bag, it’s back to craving sweets again. Back & forth, this goes on for a few days. Never relenting, never ceasing. While you’re endlessly craving, you are also staying away from things that usually turn you on. You love peanut butter, but the sight, taste, smell (especially the smell) makes you want to gag. (I’ve often heard menstruation compared as a mini-pregnancy. I can’t agree nor disagree with this, because I’ve never been pregnant.)
The cramps, of course, are prevalent. But then you must endure eye-gouging headaches; so bad that you feel like blood may be draining from your brain down to your uterus. You feel fatigued & worn down, as if you’ve run a 25 mile marathon. & then, there is the gigantic zit that seems to find itself right in the middle of your forehead… or at the tip of your nose, or the side of your face, throbbing & bulging. Another humiliating sign of the Time of the Month. So while pretzel crumbs & chocolate stains litter your clothing, you now have to deal with a migraine, unquenched sleepiness & a gigantic pimple. Not to mention, those cramps are now starting to make your belly, full of salt & sugar, a bit queasy.
& then there is the emotional stage. You cry because the dog stepped on your foot. You cry because the cellphone commercial reminds you of your sister. You cry because the stoplight just turned red & you wanted to make the light, dammit! You cry because there’s nothing to eat in the house (either being that you’ve eaten it all or you’ve just shunned the things that make you feel gross). You cry because your lover yelled at you, when he was really just calling you from the other room. You cry because none of your clothes fit. You cry because you burned your finger. You cry & weep & sob & fuss. Equally, you do the same when you’re mad. You curse the dog, you curse the television for incessant commercials, you curse the motherfucking stoplight for fucking changing when you were fucking trying to get home!!! One would think that a little self-control could tame these evil spirits attacking your inner being; maybe make you a little more aware of the words coming out of your mouth, or the reactions you are exhibiting. But it goes well beyond taming. It’s truly a possession. The possession of the Red Devil.
Now, of course… I’m being a little dramatic. But really, these symptoms, exaggerated or not, are enough to make even the calmest person about ready to do something drastic & unnecessary. Like kicking a tree, or throwing food if it happens to burn accidentally, or curse the shower for pouring out cold water, as though its the shower’s fault that you failed to turn the dial to “H.” Or even better… hitting your spouse with a spatula. (I keep going back to this because it’s in the maddening moments that I seem to think of a spatula as the appropriate kind of weapon.)
I will say this, though: once it’s all said & done, once the week has finally passed, there is nothing left to do but breathe a sigh of relief & thank God that you made it through another possession of the Red Devil. You may even promise that you will try to handle it better next time (the key word being “try” because we’re never really prepared). Knowing that you made it through the hellish Time of the Month leaves you feeling clean, literally, & you can go on with your life as a normal, sane, feminine individual & try to erase the cursing, the crying, the yelling, the overreacting, the craving, the irritating & aggravating week completely from your memory.
[Please note that many of these things were exaggerated to the fullest extent to make a dramatic point on my part. I am not suggesting that every menstrual cycle is like this, nor am I suggesting that every woman is like this. Also... I think I may have cured my writer's block.]
on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 4:54 pm:
i feeling period lousy the week leading up to my period and the week of. so basically half of every month im a complete mess. wooooooooooo partay. lol.
on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 5:59 pm:
I feel you on the writer’s block- noticed my constant lists, lately? Yeah.
on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 7:28 pm:
I feel as if I’ve learned a lot with this post… and it also reminds me of the Man-strual cycle I did… Yes men get their period too!
But at least it’s over now, and one great thing came out of it… another great blog post ;)
on Monday, June 16th, 2008 at 8:55 pm:
Quite honestly, the women who say their periods are easy deserve to have their eyes gouged out with carrots, as quoted by Stephanie Klein.
My cramps aren’t so bad now that I’m back on BC, thankfully (though on the actual day, I kinda feel like ripping my uterus from my body and chucking it out the nearest window), but the emotional side effects are insane! K and I had a huge fight yesterday because of those. I love being a girl, but ARGH.
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 6:54 am:
I never quite know what to do for my wife during that time of the month. The constant back and forth is exhausting. Hot/cold, sweets/salt, tired/energetic, happy/sad, cheerful/mad…it’s all too much.
The most infuriating thing to her is when I don’t take everything she says while she’s emotional seriously. Trying to reassure her that I love her and will talk to her about how she’s feeling in four days never quite works - what she feels then is how she really feels, dammit! Until four days later and she apologizes for saying stuff she didn’t mean.
Great post detailing what it’s like from the inside. What does one say, except for this too shall pass? I hope you feel better tomorrow.
I’m one of Jonathan’s blog buddies, in case you were wondering. You two make an adorable couple.
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 7:03 am:
Man oh man. I know what you mean. But honestly..ha. I’d rather have my period then not. :)
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 8:15 am:
wow…I just blogged about my own experience with the red devil about a week ago. sweetie, I’ve learned that periods are just beyond logical rationalizations.
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 10:53 am:
@ Cri: ME TOO. Doesn’t that simply suck? Argh.
@ sandy: you know, to be honest, I was going to take a hint from you & start going lists. Your lists are always so great & thorough. It might spark some creativity in my mind. :]
@ Aaron: Oh yes, the man-strual cycle. I need to run that by my husband. ;]
@ Traci Anne: “gouged out with carrots” = brilliant. Why didn’t I think of that? & your troubles are the same as mine. Even though I’m on BC, the emotional upsets are a lot more prominent than they ever were. It’s really irritating. ;/
@ Charlie Gilkey: Thank you, Charlie, for stopping in & giving me your insight. :] It’s always nice to receive a comment from a male, detailing his experience with a woman. You brave soul! You are right: this, too, shall pass. I think that if my husband told me that when I’m having a PMS meltdown, it would be helpful. Maybe you should try that with your wife …? :]
@ ashley: You know, as morbid as this is, I, too, would rather have my period than not. Those commercials advertising BC with 4 periods a year give me the heebie jeebies. ;/
@ thatShortChick: Amen, sister. Amen. ;|
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 1:04 pm:
totally feel ya on this one. I’m sooo glad i am not the only one affected in this manner.
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 6:06 pm:
by “all week” you mean “for a week” right? because it’s only Tuesday?
hope things will look up for you. maybe get some sun now that it’s back, stimulate some vitamin D. :)
on Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 at 8:38 pm:
So funny… I read the post title and immediately thought of “dude, I hate when my period starts on a Monday” before even reading the rest of it!! I hate periods. I especially hate it when you are in a movie or teaching a class or something and suddenly BAM ruined your new white panties!! :(
on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 1:12 am:
This is a great post - very honest and funny. I hear what you’re saying and more than anything I just feel, it’s NOT FAIR!!! which is totally pointless but there we go. I anxiously await the medical breakthrough that says it’s time to switch and men can deal with all this from now on.
on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 6:50 am:
Oh Honey I feel your pain! Being a half-lifer, I have many years of experience with PMS, cramps and menstrual bitchiness. I just want to say that it will, finally, pass. I am in mentalpause now-thank GOD! The first year was horrific, like having PMS the whole time; but I’m fine now. You will be too
on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 2:26 pm:
@ Faith: You are absolutely not alone. I’m starting to think that my “exaggeration” is more accurate than I thought! :] Thank you for stopping by.
@ nico: It lasts, generally, for 5 days; sometimes less, sometimes more. & it varies on the woman, of course. I would take you up on that offer about the sun, but it’s too bloody hot outside. I think the heat is making me more cranky, actually. ;/
@ abby: ME TOO. Or when you buy a new pair of cute, lacy panties & then lo & behold, here comes your period, which completely ruins them… yeah, I loathe that. :[
@ Marianne: Seriously, why do women have all the dysfunction? I’d like to see men handle the period one week a year! I bet they would crumble.
@ Shirley: Right as I was feel encouraged by your comment, I started thinking, Oh no! There is a part 2 to all of this! Which is the menopause. Oh lord… ;/ Oh & thank you for stopping in!
on Wednesday, June 18th, 2008 at 11:04 pm:
Um…haha. I’m a little scared saying this to you after all the different comments you’ve gotten already, but…my period really ISN’T that bad. I don’t get cravings or bad cramps or cry or get particularly irritable. I’m usually irritable all the time from little things already when I’m not on my period, so it doesn’t make a difference, haha ;D.
Cramps aren’t that big a deal for my body because they aren’t very intense most of the time, and I was prone to stomachaches as a child, so I guess I’ve always been used to it? The first time I got them, I thought I had another case of indigestion or I was holding my pee for too long, I don’t know. I don’t usually associate my period with a curse, and I know you noted this at the end of your post, but yeah, a lot of people’s periods are different. My mother used to throw up every week because of hers, but then she had children and it got significantly better for some reason. My “easy” periods might change in the future to more difficult ones for the same reason, but, haha, please don’t wish it on me, I beg of you!
You can gouge my eyes out with a carrot if you’d like.