Thursday, June 5th, 2008
wallflower girl, you’re always thinking.
My equilibrium is off today. I feel as though my thought processes are trying to evolve into something a bit more, something rich; but my inhibitions keep them from resounding loudly into open space. Moreover, my head is swimming in memories that I’d really rather not recall, but it’s as though it is happening without my control.
My sister will be turning 19 in a few days; this thought makes me feel older than what I am & reminiscent of younger times. Visiting her a few days ago was lovely & I miss her as though she is still in Texas, but she isn’t. I sometimes wonder if it would be easier for my emotional state to have her back in Texas, rather than now being 45 minutes away. Because then… I wouldn’t be so tangled up in the feelings of our relationship. When it comes to her, I am very overprotective & defensive. I feel like she is the only innocence left intact in our ridiculously fallen apart family. & this is why I am protective of her: I feel like it is my duty to keep her young & free & happy, even though in her eyes, I am sure this could be farther from the truth. More than likely, she doesn’t recognize this in me & that’s fine, because it would be too complicated to explain it to her or to anyone else. Matter of fact, it’s complicated even writing about it to seemingly no one. I don’t know why I do this, regardless.
It won’t be long before I am protecting Lover from his own personal demons, battling them off for him, without his even asking me. No one ever asks me to give a shit; no one ever asks me to carry their heavy & often inconvenient burdens. It is done out of the kindness of my own heart & the pits of my anxiety surrounding our relationship. It sick, but it’s the only way I show that I care, without them really knowing just how much I am willingly sacrificing.
Every time I get like this — low, melancholy, contemplative, deep in memories & filled with tangible sorrow for no other reason than just needing to feel sometimes — I take a shower. (I prefer baths, but unfortunately, we don’t have one in our little apartment. This brings out a terrible longing feeling inside of me, because I miss feel enveloped by water. That floating feeling, the quiet, the bubbles & the candles. There is nothing like a sensual bath.) I heard it said once that when you are feeling blue, it’s sometimes best to take a long, hot shower & allow the water from the shower head to beat onto your scalp, onto your shoulders, onto your face, because it awakens the senses; it reminds you that you are, indeed, alive. You can feel water between your fingers, sliding down your back, wetting the hair behind your neck. It’s the perfect sensation & it requires nothing but running water. Whether it is true or not — that it chases away the blues, I mean — I take showers for this reason. To remind me that I have these feelings trapped inside of me, & that these feeling do not have me.
What I really wish is that I could be someone else for a few days; the kind of someone I wish I already was. Or, better yet, I wish that I could possibly just tweak my personality around so that I can become this kind of someone. Sometimes I feel like I am so positively boring & too wrapped up in my own thoughts. Maybe I am too old-fashioned. More than likely, I am. I also with that I had a bad influence friend, but not necessarily to that extent. I wish that I could make good friends with a girl who has the same emotions as I, but a different thought process. She & I would be polar opposites, & she could teach me how to grab onto life a little more daringly, & I could teach her how to be okay with holding back sometimes. It would be the perfect match, & because she is a girl, I wouldn’t feel as though she is judging me for my impotence.
I wonder if there is anyone who is feeling the same way as I am, right now at this very moment.
on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 2:53 pm:
I am way too much into my bubbly little world, and i am becoming less charming and interesting, as well. I can feel it, and i am not quite sure what to do about it. the only thing I can do is keep very, very busy.
What is it that you would like to tweak about your personality? You are so good at expressing yourself through this blog!
on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 4:15 pm:
I love this- it completely rings true.
on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 4:50 pm:
this is the third blog i’ve read about sisters today and i wrote one two days ago. so strange.
on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 6:43 pm:
You write beautifully. And yes showers make me feel better as well…I’m not sure why that is. Also-notice how anytime you’re upset you can find a song to describe your exact feelings…it means someones felt the same before and you’re not alone
on Thursday, June 5th, 2008 at 7:23 pm:
Does your computer have a decent processor and a healthy amount of RAM? If so go to http://www.wefeelfine.org/ open the application a peruse around and indulge with other bloggers who may be feeling the same (in a simplistic manner) as you are… it’s a fun app, and it gives you the ability to connect your feelings with others (again in a very one-dimensional and basic manner)
on Saturday, June 7th, 2008 at 10:56 am:
You are truly so poetic. Did you know that? Every entry of yours is so beautifully written, no matter what the subject. It’s inspiring, because I’m usually so choppy when I write.
Anyway, I can really understand what you’re feeling here as far as the “personality tweaking”. In wishing I could be someone else, or a different version of me, or better yet - have that one perfect-fit friend that I haven’t yet discovered in this world.
Actually, I think you’d be surprised just how many people feel this exact same way.
on Saturday, June 7th, 2008 at 11:44 am:
@ natalie: I think I would like to become more outspoken in my life, rather than just in this diary. I would also like to be more adventurous. I have a tendency to hesitate before trying something new, or doing something that I am not very sure of. Above all, I wish I had more faith. Sigh.
@ Sandy: thank you. :]
@ Sarah: thank you for stopping in; I looked at your blog & thought your “sister entry” was very sweet. =]
@ RunawayGallery: that is very true; songs have a tendency to express my emotions to the T. My ipod has been playing the saddest songs lately…
@ Aaron: thank you so much for the link. I adore it. :] It was very fun to play around with. Thankfully, my computer didn’t act up. ;]
@ wishcake: thank you so much. :] I feel better knowing that I am not alone in these thoughts, because I am always feeling like I am the only one. Bosom friends are hard to find; I am especially picky, so that makes it even more difficult.
on Saturday, June 7th, 2008 at 11:12 pm:
these feeling are no fun, I think most people go through them, and the fact that you have some understanding of where it is coming from is a good thing.
And those of us who take everyone else’s(well those we loves) problems on as our own, can’t help it, we love those people, and care about them. It’s not a bad thing. And it’s better than people who don’t go around giving a shit.
Sorry not a very uplifting comment. I’m having one of these days myself today.
on Sunday, June 8th, 2008 at 8:35 am:
Because I miss feel enveloped by water. That floating feeling, the quiet, the bubbles & the candles.
Me too. I’m very lucky because my entire life I’ve always lived near a giant body of water. I was thinking of moving recently to a place where there would be no water. It was terrifying.
There is something extremely grounding about being completely surrounded by water. Don’t ask me why. Regardless, I know what you mean.
on Sunday, June 8th, 2008 at 4:35 pm:
I know those feelings. I have a little sister, too, only she’s not so little anymore, either. She just turned 20 a couple months ago, and I can’t believe how grown she is.
Beautiful, bittersweet post. I agree with an above commentor, you are so poetic.
on Monday, June 9th, 2008 at 10:13 am:
@ Toni-Marie: no, no; you’re comment was very uplifting to me. ;] Thank you.
@ Sara: Oh, yes. & now I really want to take a bath.
@ Holly: Thank you. :]