Tuesday, May 20th, 2008
no more mrs. good girl.
I am reading this book at the moment. It’s called “The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex.” I purchased this book because I was feeling helpless & quite fed up with my self-confidence regarding self love & sexuality. I felt like I needed answers; I needed to feel a little less lost & more in touch with my inner woman. I wanted clarity on what it means to be a sexually conscious woman & how to embody that into my daily living. Also, I have always longed to be a Sex Goddess. Not just for my husband, but for myself. Because I deserve it, dammit! So, I did some research online, hoping to find a bit of direction before getting lost in endless aisles of books in the bookstore. To my surprise, all the books I had originally wanted weren’t in Barnes & Noble. I was beginning to feel like I was destined to be a frumpy, clueless about sex housewife; & then I stumbled across The Good Girl’s Guide to Bad Girl Sex & I thought “perfect.”
Now this book… it’s a little amateur for someone like me. Which is so surprising; quite frankly, I can’t believe that I just uttered that out of my mouth. Did I say that out loud? I am far from Bad Girl status! (Or so I thought.) But, this book is no help to me because I already know most of what its talking about. It’s much like Cosmopolitan magazine. Regretfully, I have read — subscribed, even — to this sexually fueled magazine & this book is no different; absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. It talks about the typical sex subjects (seduction, sex toys, orgasms) as well as changing your outer-self (clothes, hair, speech, charisma). It also features very elaborate, hands on activities where you manifest your Bad Girlness right out loud, plain as day. One activity instructs you to lie down, fully nude & begin to touch yourself, sensually, to get to know your body intimately & fall in love with the art of touch, without any shame or embarrassment. I thought it sounded like a lot of fun. “Sign me up!” I practically exclaimed in Barnes & Noble. & that’s all fine & dandy, but it’s not really practical.
For one, I found out that this isn’t the type of book to read at night, in bed, next to your husband. As tempting as it was for me to strip down & “explore my femininity” I couldn’t do that in front of Lover! No, he cannot be included in my journey. He’ll just end up being a free loader! (In that I must say that I love my husband; I really do, but in this particular event, there isn’t any time for distractions. & any man in their right mind would not just lay in bed at 9 o’clock at night, allowing their wife to touch her nude body without trying to interfere. Matter of fact, I’m not sure that if Lover were doing this that it would be difficult for me to not interfere myself. I mean, come on; my own personal Jonathan Rhys Meyers lookalike lying right next to me? & he’s naked? I’m sure a nun would have a bit of trouble with that one.)
Nevertheless, this book is really very interesting, but more for women who shy away from the seemingly overwhelming tasks of masturbation, showing some skin while dressing like a fox, walking the walk, talking the talk, & seducing a man. Now, I am no guru, (I am far, far from it) but I do know a thing or two about those things mentioned. I am not so impotent that I need this little book to school me on the techniques of pleasing a man as well as my inner Bad Girl. But one thing I can’t deny is that this book does provoke some interesting thoughts in my pretty little head. The other night, I read a passage that sounded something like this:
Let me tell you a little bit about Bad Girls: Bad Girls are bad! Bad Girls are sexy! Bad Girls have orgasms & pleasure themselves consistently… & they don’t feel guilty about it! Bad Girl tease, please & electrify men. They make heads turn; they make faces green with envy. Bad Girls think about sex 24/7, 365; on the bus, in the shower, in a meeting, in church. Bad Girls are confident & sure of themselves. Bad Girls are naughty, naughty little things. Mmm, yes. So bad. & Good Girls? Good Girls are timid; Good Girls are inhibited. Good Girls are oppressed within themselves. Now tell me… which would you rather be?
I thought, “Are you kidding me? Is that even a real question? I wanna be BAD! Duh.”
Which transpires an argument in my head: But… but… I am a Good Girl. I always have been, even while trying to break out of the reputation I made for myself. I was most commonly known as The Virgin all through high school & this wasn’t just a sexual reference. I didn’t drink, I didn’t smoke, I didn’t do any kind of drug (much of that is still unchanged, even as of now). I was a regular square; the third wheel; the tag-along. No one ever taught me what it meant to me a woman, with all the trimmings. I mean, of course my mother taught me how to sit like a lady, talk like a lady & act like one. But what about how to make love like a lady? Or how to seduce a man? The word “sex” was hardly ever used in my house, which made me feel very dirty whenever I thought about sex. & although I feel like I outgrew most of my awkward stage, I know that the Good Girl image is still there, annoyingly taunting me & making me feel inferior to all those Bad Girls out there.
After a few nights of skimming through these pages of step by steps & do-it-yourself sessions, I realized something pretty profound: I am not as good as I once perceived, which means I have been depriving myself of a toe-curling sex life as well as Bad Girl strutting sexuality all this time! I mean, yes… I can be a little innocent minded at times & yes, I can be pretty damn shy when it comes to sex & sexuality. & yes, my self-esteem is a work in progress; I am certainly no Marilyn Monroe. But I am a woman, that much is so. I might even be kind of sexy, instead of the resounding “cute!” I seem to get constantly.
It’s obvious to me now that I’ve got a little more “je ne sais quoi” (that I don’t know what) that I have been looking for. There is a lot of me that is Bad already; I just needed the courage to explore it. I needed the courage to admit it. I needed the balls (yes, balls!) to say to myself, “You’ve got cleavage, you’ve got long stems for legs, you’ve got moon beams for eyes; use them, for Heaven’s sake! & seduce your husband, why don’t you? You’ve got it in you & even if you don’t think you do (which is usually the excuse) fake it, Honey. Fake it until you feel it. You’ll thank me later.” I suppose that maybe I am a lot closer to wicked, enticing, Bad Girlness than I thought.
So in the midst of all this complaining about how dumb this book is & how much money I just wasted on this wretched thing & how it seems as though I’ll never find my sexual niche in life, all of this — everything I have been talking about — just dawned on me. & it made me feel really good. No, actually… it made me feel really bad.
& for the record, I do recommend this book. While I felt it didn’t pertain directly to me, it opened my eyes to traits & things I already have within myself, even while I was searching & praying for answers. Knowledge & enlightenment come in many different forms. I suppose mine was in this seemingly useless book.
on Tuesday, May 20th, 2008 at 5:03 pm:
Well then… where’s my boyfriend when I need him home? lol.
on Tuesday, May 20th, 2008 at 6:05 pm:
I think you just need to find your balance. I’ve alwaya said, and still believe, that the ideal woman is the “good gril” you could take home to momma, but who could also be the “bad girl” between the sheets… that’s a great happy medium. men (and your hubby) probably won’t want you to flaunt it all over the place, but i’m sure he’ll love for you to be totally uninhibited & seductive in the sack… that balance is awesome to have
on Tuesday, May 20th, 2008 at 9:23 pm:
@ amanda: go get him, girl! ;]
@ Aaron: you are very right; balance it a necessity for something like this. Thankfully, I’ve managed to keep my good girl image outwardly (mannerisms) intact.
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 12:31 am:
This was an interesting post to read… I too went through a transformation like this and I love that you wrote yours down!! I think it’s the perfect blend to “sit like a lady” and then sex him like a Woman!! :)
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 6:50 am:
“I purchased this book because I was feeling helpless & quite fed up with my self-confidence regarding self love & sexuality. I felt like I needed answers; I needed to feel a little less lost & more in touch with my inner woman. I wanted clarity on what it means to be a sexually conscious woman & how to embody that into my daily living. Also, I have always longed to be a Sex Goddess. Not just for my husband, but for myself.”
Gosh, I could have typed that. I still (occasionally) resort to Cosmo magazines because I have YET to find a book that strikes my fancy. Blah.
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 10:10 am:
@ abby: thank you; I’m flattered that you found it interesting. I definitely think that this is something very important to me & I wanted to prove to myself that I have the courage to talk about it, candidly. I hope that other women can learn something from it. :]
@ moscoto: If you’re still in search for a good book, I would suggest doing some researches online. I know there are books out there, waiting to be found. :]
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 4:16 pm:
Awesome! Keep at it, I’m sure you’ll be greatly rewarded! ;D
On a slightly different plane, I wish there were more books like this for men. Through my (vicarious) observations, it just seems that there are far too many of them who are clueless about this sort of thing. :/
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 4:18 pm:
Oh yeah, and Cosmo definitely annoys me with how all of their “secret” sexxxxxay advice is all pretty much common sense. “Wear lingerie in front of your husbandddddddwearesoclevarr!”
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 7:56 pm:
Too many “guides” tell you how to be sexy. Experiment with what makes *you* feel sexy, not what the media tries to impress upon us/you. Many men love that “good girl” thing and your husband adores you. I remember him actually ironing cloths! and all giddy when he was going on those first dates with you.
on Wednesday, May 21st, 2008 at 8:37 pm:
@ Natalie: I agree; I wish there were more books/magazines about men’s sexuality. They’re not as common, though, for men have it a bit easier in this department than women. After all, men are known for their second brain. & women? We’re more known to be submissive to men’s needs. It’s not right & that’s precisely why I want to learn more about this. :]
& yes Cosmopolitan = annoying.
@ sharon: Aw, you do? It feels so long ago. I have trouble remembering those times because so many things have happened since then. :] & he was ironing?? Wow; I can’t get him to iron if his life depended on it. He & I both hate doing it.
on Sunday, May 25th, 2008 at 7:50 am:
I struggled with the same thing when my relationship turned long-term. Thank you so much for writing it down, I completely relate! Hope you’re feeling more liberated these days, I do find it’s a work in progress…
on Tuesday, May 27th, 2008 at 10:03 am:
@ Sarah: I’m so glad you could find comfort in my words. :] Thanks for stopping into my blog.