Wednesday, May 7th, 2008
my life is like a movie, really.
My parents were married for 21 years (more or less) before they separated. My father had been caught red handed in an[other] affair & my mother was trying to come to terms with it. They spent almost a year apart from each other; my mother, myself & my younger sister in the house & he moved in with his mother, my grandma (the one with terribly tacky taste in jewelry & apparel). Finally, the divorce papers were issued & so began the lengthy song & dance with the court system. After another year (more or less) of waiting for the papers to go through, the divorce was final in June of last year.
The details of these turn of events matter, but not enough to post them on the internet. I am loyal to my family, after all. My mother is quite happy with the person she is with; I love him just as much as she does, because he makes her smile & gives her a life she’s always wanted. My father is still with the girl that broke up my parents’ marriage. They have been together for God knows how long. My father won’t specify when they began their affair. But what is known is this: she is around my age, roughly 22 (my father will be 50 in a few years); she doesn’t speak very good English & she is not supposed to be in this country. I met her by accident a few years ago, right when my father had moved out. She is a tiny little thing, just the way my father prefers. He picked this child — that is what she is, after all — over my beautiful & impeccably wise mother. I’ll never be able to understand why.
Last night my father called me, telling me he had some news for me. “You’re going to have another little brother or sister soon.” All I could think was “what the fuck? She’s pregnant?” but I managed to murmur out a few “wows” instead. Almost 4 months, he said, & this wasn’t planned. He had been keeping it away from me, my mother & sister for that long because he was afraid of our reactions & didn’t want to hurt us. At least he was smart enough to consider our feelings. Still trying to digest that they were bringing another life into this world, he began to stammer out, “And, and… we’ve been married for about 2 weeks now.” Wow. That’s all I could say or think. That’s still all I can say or think.
Eventually, I opened my mouth to say that I have always expected this, I just didn’t think it was going to be this soon. I asked him how he feels about everything & he said he is fine, that everything is fine. Why don’t I believe him? I told him that the most important thing for me to know is that he married her not JUST because she is having his baby, but because they truly love each other & want to spend the rest of their lives with each other. He neither agreed or disagreed with that statement, he just said “Yeah.” I have never been so unsure, so unsettled about something in my life.
He told me they think it’s a boy. I find that ironic, being that my father always wanted a boy, but my mother wasn’t able to have more children, despite her wanting to.
Yesterday I was bloody mad; absolutely livid at my father’s ignorance. Now, this morning, I reflect on the events & I can’t help but laugh. I mean, you must admit that it’s a bit funny. My father, almost 50 years old, the driver of a hot-rod Corvette, the forever-young jazz musician is going to be a doting father… again. & his wife, now a legal citizen of America, is my age, bursting with joy, I’m sure, because she has won. The funniest thing about all of this, I think, is the fact that technically, she is my stepmother. Stepmother! I have a 20-something stepmother. In times like these, it’s much better to laugh than cry.
My life used to be normal. I don’t know what happened. I can’t help but think that we took a turn in the direction of… the twilight zone.
(& I hope that this isn’t some kind of blasphemy.)
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 11:44 am:
wow. i can’t even imagine what you’re going through. sounds like a whirlwind of events, but i guess it happens to everyone in some form or another. at least you have your guy to help you get used to everything and be there for you. hope you’re doing okay.
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 11:56 am:
WOW!!! After 21 years….
But we do have something in common, my father also fathered a child when he was 50. Yes, I have a little brother….I am 26 year older….When my dad first told me that they were having a baby I told him that I didn’t think he had sex anymore….hahaha….
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 12:24 pm:
Wow. That is crazy…I can’t even imagine that…
Sort of makes my family feel boring!!
Oh and I replied to your therapist comment on “the break up”. :)
Ciao.
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 2:14 pm:
@ katelin: I am doing well, considering. Actually, all of this turmoil has really reminded me to be grateful of the great relationship I have with my husband. It’s also provoking me to make vows to myself about how I will never make the same mistakes my father did…
@ Risa: I laughed out loud at your comment. That was actually my first thought, too; kind of like “ewww, my dad is having sex?” & then “can he even HAVE sex?” He’s 50, not dead, yes, but it’s just not a pleasant thought. ;/
@ MJ: Oh my family is FAR from boring, obviously. & that’s not even the half of it.
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 2:30 pm:
Wow. That is interesting.
I understand the complicated life events.
No one deserves these types of things in their lives.
BUT I know that you’re quite a strong woman & you deserve so much better.
Keep your chin up & your eyes forward… & don’t forget to breathe.
♥
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 4:03 pm:
i completely empathize with you, my dear. my father cheated on my mother 22 years ago, while SHE WAS PREGNANT (one night stand situation) and he produced a son. now, my parents were able to work through this but it took my mother a very long time (understandably). meanwhile, i still have not gotten over it to this today. my father just chooses not to acknowledge it. if anyone were to meet my parents, you would never think that they have never weathered any hardships. they have had an incredible relationship for the past 10 years. however, i have seen “my brother” about 5 times in my whole life. we are the same age, 22 (he is six months older than me), and the last time i saw him was when i was 16. and that sucks because i have a lot to say to him now that i’m “grown up.” i wish i could offer contructive advice instead of my own crappy story.
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 5:06 pm:
I swear…parallel lives happening here…
my father and I were estranged after my engagement for a year and a half…. this past Thanksgiving he contacted me requesting that we start speaking….only to tell me about his 29 year old wife and her FOUR CHILDREN.
Then he brought them to visit me….just weird. I totally, totally understand where you’re coming from..although, I’d die if my dad got her pregnant…
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 9:25 pm:
I don’t like things like this. :/
She hasn’t won.
Hang in there like you have been doing–I’m glad your parents have both kind of moved through this. Your mom deserves to have a superb relationship. :]
Another fantastic post!
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 10:38 pm:
That’s crazy! Seriously, I had no idea where I’d find myself at the end of that story. I couldn’t even fathom having a 20-something step mom! I can only imagine the type of shock you’re in now; I’d be simply saying ‘wow’ over and over again as well.
on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 6:04 am:
Wow. Reading this I thought I had written it myself. I can empathize with every single aspect of your situation.
My father cheated on my stepmother (his second wife, my second mother) when he was overseas in Thailand with a younger woman, close to the same age as my older sister. He was engaged to her before he ever even expressed wanting a divorce. It tore me apart and his actions are what resulted in the hardest years of my life. Long story short, he sacrificed a relationship with two of his daughters and his now ex-wife for a brand new start in another country.
To be honest, it’s hard to completely lose my respect for him, because (in my father’s situation) he was unhappy and fixed it, instead of living a life he hated. There is *something* respectable in that.
on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 6:55 am:
i can relate a little. my parental units divorced when i was 16 or so and my dad, now living in the UK has a kid with some other woman there. you just have to remember that parents are humans, just like you and me… and because of this, they will be flawed. when i was younger i thought my parents were infallible and knew it all, but as i grew older irealized that they are flawed creatures just like the rest of us. just be there and be happy for your mother, because she was strong enough to take care of you guys when your dad effed up… and for your pops, you’re already doing the right thing… smile and laugh about it… it probably isn’t worth your tears
on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 8:47 am:
@ Anna: I at least TRY to be strong & composed; it’s certainly not easy.
@ thatShortChick: honey, little do you know that you story DID give me constructive advice. As sad as it is that we all seem to have a story that resembles mine, it helps me to know that I am not alone. Thank you!
@ kindredly: Yeah, I hear you. Seriously, this is the LAST thing I wanted to happen, although I knew it was coming. But 4 children? I hope my father is smart enough to stop at just this one.
@ Natalie: thank you; you know, I’m glad that both my parents have kind of moved on, my mother especially. She is so strong & only deserves the best. & truthfully, I am quite astounded just how many out there can relate to my story. It’s almost sad.
@ sandy: At first, I didn’t know where I’d find myself at the end of all of this either. But then I realized that it’s been over for me for a while now. I have my own life & my dad has his. Sad, but true.
@ kat: hello! I don’t think I’ve seen you around here. I’m glad that you & I could sympathize with each other through my story. I have lost SO much respect for my dad through all of this; how can you not? I am not sure, though, if I could ever respect my dad for “standing up for himself” so to speak. He did it under really shitty circumstances (there is so much more to this story than I am letting on) & for that, it’s hard to even forgive him for tearing my family apart for shallow reasons. Sigh. & after all of this, he is STILL not happy. It’s just sad.
@ Aaron: you are right, absolutely right. I’ve come to terms with my parents being human not to long ago, actually. It’s hard to see them any other way, for they have always had my back for so many years. It’s also hard not to feel like he did this to ME, when it was really my mother he hurt. Definitely therapy worthy subject here, haha. =] Thank you for your wisdom.
on Thursday, May 8th, 2008 at 5:10 pm:
Oh my god… now I feel bad for complaining about moving. :( I am sorry to hear you are going through this. I have very little confidence in men and to hear a story like this just breaks my heart. I know there are few goods still out there. If you need to talk offline just let me know. I am here. My parents have 7 divorces between them and then you can add mine into the mix, that makes eight in my immediate family. NO fun. Not the way God intends us to love each other. :(
on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 9:02 am:
@ Amanda: Aw, please don’t feel bad! & thank you for the extension to talk elsewhere; I appreciate that. Really, I am okay… it seems like ever since my parent’s divorce all sorts of crazy things have been happening & I’ve grown quite accustomed to surprises & “raining & pouring.”
& you’re right; I’m sure God cries right along with us when we are suffering in love.
on Friday, May 9th, 2008 at 8:41 pm:
I know how you feel. My half brothers and sisters are also my cousins because my dad married his cousin before my mom, my parents are 35 years apart, and my nieces and nephews are almost all about a year or two younger than me. It sucks. Even on my mom’s side, my grandfather murdered my grandmother. My parents got divorced two years ago and my dad remarried to this french (as in straight from Paris) fake chick. My mom is living with her boyfriend, whom I don’t like at all. Families are always messy, some more than others, but you have to remember that you are not a part of that madness, those are your parents issues and flaws, not yours. Its really hard when you realize that your parents (in general) and family are not perfect. My dad AND my mom both had affairs in their marriage, and unfortunately, its usually it was me and my siblings that got caught up in that. If you need someone to talk to, you know where to find me:) Take care beautiful.
on Saturday, May 10th, 2008 at 12:19 am:
I saw a link to here from another site and came to check it out. I absolutely love it so far!
I really was torn apart when it happened. It was the worst thing that he could have ever done in my opinion. But, my older sister (different father) said something that struck me.
She questioned how much you can respect someone who cannot even stand up in their own life. Granted, my father did it in the worst way possible. Doing what’s right for yourself should never cause so much unnecessary pain. He could have waited to start a new relationship. He could have ended the relationship earlier, as soon as it was clear that he was unhappy.
As it stands now, I don’t really have a father. We talk every couple of months. He pulled that same shit of “oh by the way, you have a sister”. All the respect I have for him is he has inspired me to never be unhappy; but, in the pursuit of enhancing my life, never disrespect anyone I love.
on Sunday, May 11th, 2008 at 11:17 am:
@ Michaela Alexis: Goodness; now I don’t feel so bad. You’ve got about as much drama as I have in my family, minus a murder. Thank you for sharing your story; it was helpful to know that I am not alone.
@ kat: I am so sorry you’re having to go through all this. I know exactly how you feel. & thank you for stopping in. :] I’m so glad you like it here.
on Monday, October 27th, 2008 at 11:26 am:
[...] So many things have changed… & it’s about to get even more interesting, since my father’s baby is due practically any [...]
on Wednesday, October 29th, 2008 at 6:40 am:
I came here from the Oct. 27, 2008 entry (I was not a read of your blog at this point, apricot) and must say: the families that go through the most *stuff* are the STRONGEST and were already.
on Monday, November 3rd, 2008 at 2:49 pm:
[...] The baby is here. My father called me this morning to let me know that my new half-sister, Valerie, has arrived; he said that she looks just like me. [...]
on Tuesday, November 4th, 2008 at 1:28 pm:
oh dear…
i’m so sorry that this is happening to you right now.
i officially hate your father’s mistress (wife) bleh!