Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
it’s the little things.
Last summer, I was diagnosed with HPV, that dreaded human papillomavirus the world has been talking about a lot lately. It came as such a devastating shock to me; not just because I never dreamed that I, of all the innocent & modest people, could have contracted such a thing (I don’t know whether to call it a disease, a sickness, an illness, a virus; Thing will just have to do) but also because of the way I was told, which I felt felt was very awkwardly matter of fact.
The doctor’s office called me one afternoon, revealing the results of my most recent pap smear. The lady said, in a strangely calm sort of way, that my pap smear came back abnormal & that I have HPV. Just like that. No remorse, no beating around the bush, no compassion. Apparently, she didn’t see the need to break it to me gently. I couldn’t believe it; maybe there was some mistake. No, I had it & I needed to come back again to do a colposcopy to find out just why I had failed my women’s exam & see how bad the damage was. I hung up with her, irritated at her lack of sympathy to this heartbreaking news, & I called my mother, crying hysterically. Just like I couldn’t believe it, my mother couldn’t believe it. She kept asking me how & why, & I was insistent that I did not know; I had no clue (& still have no clue) as to how I got it, from whom & when. It was later that I found out that my mother, a devout Christian, was disappointed in these results because she felt that they tainted my character & sense of judgment. She was always against my decision to have premarital sex with my ex-boyfriend at such a young age, & basically told me “serves you right for going against what the Bible says.” I felt dirty, ashamed, confused.
When I told Lover, he was in disbelief as well, but not nearly as wigged out as I was. He said that everything happens for a reason, that I would be okay. The words he was saying meant nothing to me. I was petrified.
I had my colposcopy done, which was pure hell for me, absolute torture; the pain was unbearable. I cried during the whole procedure, praying for it to be over & wanting to kill the lady who was doing this to me. It was a traumatizing experience; one of the reasons I had a lot of anxiety in the first place. My results of that hellish adventure confirmed that I had a low grade form of HPV. That was a relief in & of itself. Low grade means that it doesn’t have quite as much potential to turn into something life threatening. Still, I needed to be seen in another 6 months to have another women’s examination. If I had another abnormal pap, then I would have to go through the whole procedure all over again. There was nothing left to do but wait.
This had a terrible effect on my relationship with Lover & within myself. I was depressed; ashamed of how this made me look as a woman & weary of the heavy burden pressing down on me in the form of unanswered questions: Who gave this to me? How long have I had it? Did I get it from Jonathan? What will happen next? Why me? Eventually, Lover got tested, specifically to see if he had HPV (apparently, men are the primary carriers of this Thing & it doesn’t effect them in the way that it effects women). He didn’t have it. So all thoughts pointed to my previous lovers, condemning them & hating them for what they may have done to me. After a while, the constant dwelling on the “who?” question became quite exhausting & I stopped trying to figure it out.
My check up pap smear was yesterday, which was way over due. I kept putting it off & each appointment I would make, I would find an excuse not to go. I dragged myself there yesterday morning, telling myself that whatever happened was the rightful consequences; as Lover said before, everything happens for a reason. To my surprise, the doctor told me that I no longer have HPV. (This is a little tricky, being that I originally came in a few months ago to be examined but had to come back after they called me saying that they didn’t collect enough specimen. I cursed them heavily for that; how can you not collect enough specimen?) The doctor said that even though my last exam wasn’t thorough, they were able to collect enough evidence to see if I had a negative or positive result. Apparently, I am very healthy with no sigh of HPV.
She asked me what I was doing to make this sort of transition. I told her I didn’t really know. “Well, whatever you are doing,” she said, “keep doing it because your body’s immune system is working very well to keep this [illness] under control.” (I owe my life to vegetarianism. I swear, that is what cured me.) I felt like crying. I told her over & over that this was the best news I’ve ever gotten, wanting to relay what I have been through over the last year, how depressed I was, how full of shame I was, how emotionally exhausted this whole journey has been for me… but I didn’t. She said that it’s necessary to do a thorough exam just to be 100% sure; that’s why I was there again today. But the likelihood of me having HPV was slim & she liked what she saw… down there.
I walked out of the doctor’s office with a hitch in my get-along, all smiles & giggles. I called Lover to tell him the great news. He sounded as relieved as I was. I also told him that I was weighed during my exam & I had gained 6 pounds in the last 2 months. Now normally, any woman would be horrified with this news. 6 pounds in 2 months? Gross, some might say. But I was dancing on the clouds. For a girl who has been 103 lbs (I am naturally skinny, with no help of diets, exercising or food regulating) most of her adult life, this was an amazing feat. I am now proudly 111 lbs. & I hope to gain more to be a bit more curvaceous as I’ve always wanted to be.
I called my mother, who was even more astounded than even I was. She kept asking me how I could not have HPV anymore. I tried to explain it to her, even though I’m sure she still doesn’t understand (I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, even.) I only hope that her faith & opinion of me has been restored, at least to some degree.
It was yesterday that I realized how blessed I was & how even the little things in life matter.
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 1:14 pm:
Oh man, so glad to hear you’re okay. I had my own health scare last year too and nothing is more confusing that something like that. I hope you stay healthy!
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 1:43 pm:
I hope you’re going to a new doctor! I can’t believe she told you over the phone - that’s horrible!
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 1:47 pm:
@ katelin: I hope so, too. I think it’s a great lesson to be learned. & I think every woman should be concerned, on some level, about HPV.
@ Meg: actually, I go to Planned Parenthood since I have no health insurance, which is most likely the reason she was so informal about it. They aren’t very good when it comes to bedside manners. I pray that we’ll get benefits soon, so I can go to a REAL doctor. I’ve always felt like as great as PP is as a cause, I wonder if they’re actual doctors…
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pm:
Ah, planned parenthood. There’s the factor that changes everything. It’s where I go, as well, and you couldn’t be more right about their bad bedside manners. Very glad to hear you’re healthy.
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pm:
WOW. Congrats on the good diagnosis though!
Oddly enough, I had my first HPV vaccine today. Owwww, but after reading this… worth it.
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 7:00 pm:
Oh man, I know that story quite well.
That phone call is disappointing … I had my own experience when I was in Missouri for school. I was alone and scared to death.
I cried a lot.
And it was a difficult period for me.
So… I totally understand your emotional trauma.
It was also a time of finger-pointing… because I don’t know how I got it either. My guess is from Mike. But that’s another story.
However, after the horrible colposcopy (I cried through the whole thing too!), I’ve gotten all clean pap smears back, so that’s good.
I’ve also gotten the vaccine. All three of the damn things.
I have to go back here in a couple of months. Hopefully it’s doing okay.
I wish you the best of luck. Stay healthy & don’t fret. I’m glad to hear that you’re healthy now.
Let me know if you ever need to chat.
♥
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 8:15 pm:
@ sandy: thank you! I cannot wait until I can get some real health care, for Heaven’s sake. I am so sick of mediocre checkups. I think the only thing they are good at is freaking out their patients. There are posters & pamplets all over that place, talking about STDs, STIs, HIV & all the other acronyms.
@ Traci Anne: It just might be… but I’m a little reluctant to get the vaccination, only because I’ve heard some weird things about it. I think it needs to be out for a few more years, in order for me to try it out. & I loathe shots.
@ Anna: that is such great news! & it’s good that you’ve gotten the vaccine. I think HPV is so hard to steer clear from.
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 8:54 pm:
Oh my gosh. Thank God. That is such wonderful news! this was a really, really amazing post, and I’m so glad you’ve gotten through all that pain healthy and happy. You deserve it.
on Tuesday, May 6th, 2008 at 8:55 pm:
Oh, and I want to gain weight, too! Get me some jelly.
on Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 at 10:36 am:
@ Natalie: thank you! I really hope that by me speaking openly about this women will either take it more seriously, or just realize that it’s not the end of the world if they DO have it.
& yes, jelly would be nice. Only if it’s petroleum. ;]
on Saturday, May 10th, 2008 at 4:22 pm:
you are so brave to have posted this… i’m so glad that there are women bloggers out there who are so strong and real!
i’m definitely adding you to my favorite bloggers!
on Sunday, May 11th, 2008 at 11:25 am:
@ diana: thank you for adding me to your favorite list. :] I am so flattered.
on Sunday, May 11th, 2008 at 5:59 pm:
You have me near tears right now. Thank you for sharing something so personal. I was diagnosed with low grade HPV in April of 2005. The following months were the most depressing of my life. I blamed myself for having it. I went home everyday for months and cried myself to sleep. I felt dirty and ashamed. I had only learn of HPV months before and didn’t know anyone else who had it.
But it was definetly a blessing in disguise. It made me become WAY more selective with sexual partners, (meaning I vajay jay was on lockdown) I feared that even with protection I would pass it on. LOL, I remeber this one guy actually getting upset when I told him I wouldn’t sleep with him. He had no idea that I was protecting his body and any other potential woman he would be with.
When I researched that eating clean/healthy and exercising helps suppress the virus I hit the ground running. Physically I feel better than the day I learned I had HPV.
When I met my fiance I told him right away. I didn’t want any secrets. He was so understanding and spent all his free time researching the virus, and found out that 70% of people have HPV in this country. He encouraged his daughter to get tested. She was diagnosed with it too. So we all learned together.
The only down side right now is that I can’t get health insurance because of it. They claim that I am “high risk” and won’t insure me. Which is a bunch of bullshit. It’s been about 3 years since I was diagnosed. I have my next pap smear on the 20th. Hopefully they will tell me that I’m normal :)
Again, thanks so much for sharing.
on Sunday, May 11th, 2008 at 8:40 pm:
@ That Saddity Chic: Thank you so much for sharing your story; I replied to your personally through your email. ;]