Last summer, I was diagnosed with HPV, that dreaded human papillomavirus the world has been talking about a lot lately. It came as such a devastating shock to me; not just because I never dreamed that I, of all the innocent & modest people, could have contracted such a thing (I don’t know whether to call it a disease, a sickness, an illness, a virus; Thing will just have to do) but also because of the way I was told, which I felt felt was very awkwardly matter of fact.
The doctor’s office called me one afternoon, revealing the results of my most recent pap smear. The lady said, in a strangely calm sort of way, that my pap smear came back abnormal & that I have HPV. Just like that. No remorse, no beating around the bush, no compassion. Apparently, she didn’t see the need to break it to me gently. I couldn’t believe it; maybe there was some mistake. No, I had it & I needed to come back again to do a colposcopy to find out just why I had failed my women’s exam & see how bad the damage was. I hung up with her, irritated at her lack of sympathy to this heartbreaking news, & I called my mother, crying hysterically. Just like I couldn’t believe it, my mother couldn’t believe it. She kept asking me how & why, & I was insistent that I did not know; I had no clue (& still have no clue) as to how I got it, from whom & when. It was later that I found out that my mother, a devout Christian, was disappointed in these results because she felt that they tainted my character & sense of judgment. She was always against my decision to have premarital sex with my ex-boyfriend at such a young age, & basically told me “serves you right for going against what the Bible says.” I felt dirty, ashamed, confused.
When I told Lover, he was in disbelief as well, but not nearly as wigged out as I was. He said that everything happens for a reason, that I would be okay. The words he was saying meant nothing to me. I was petrified.
I had my colposcopy done, which was pure hell for me, absolute torture; the pain was unbearable. I cried during the whole procedure, praying for it to be over & wanting to kill the lady who was doing this to me. It was a traumatizing experience; one of the reasons I had a lot of anxiety in the first place. My results of that hellish adventure confirmed that I had a low grade form of HPV. That was a relief in & of itself. Low grade means that it doesn’t have quite as much potential to turn into something life threatening. Still, I needed to be seen in another 6 months to have another women’s examination. If I had another abnormal pap, then I would have to go through the whole procedure all over again. There was nothing left to do but wait.
This had a terrible effect on my relationship with Lover & within myself. I was depressed; ashamed of how this made me look as a woman & weary of the heavy burden pressing down on me in the form of unanswered questions: Who gave this to me? How long have I had it? Did I get it from Jonathan? What will happen next? Why me? Eventually, Lover got tested, specifically to see if he had HPV (apparently, men are the primary carriers of this Thing & it doesn’t effect them in the way that it effects women). He didn’t have it. So all thoughts pointed to my previous lovers, condemning them & hating them for what they may have done to me. After a while, the constant dwelling on the “who?” question became quite exhausting & I stopped trying to figure it out.
My check up pap smear was yesterday, which was way over due. I kept putting it off & each appointment I would make, I would find an excuse not to go. I dragged myself there yesterday morning, telling myself that whatever happened was the rightful consequences; as Lover said before, everything happens for a reason. To my surprise, the doctor told me that I no longer have HPV. (This is a little tricky, being that I originally came in a few months ago to be examined but had to come back after they called me saying that they didn’t collect enough specimen. I cursed them heavily for that; how can you not collect enough specimen?) The doctor said that even though my last exam wasn’t thorough, they were able to collect enough evidence to see if I had a negative or positive result. Apparently, I am very healthy with no sigh of HPV.
She asked me what I was doing to make this sort of transition. I told her I didn’t really know. “Well, whatever you are doing,” she said, “keep doing it because your body’s immune system is working very well to keep this [illness] under control.” (I owe my life to vegetarianism. I swear, that is what cured me.) I felt like crying. I told her over & over that this was the best news I’ve ever gotten, wanting to relay what I have been through over the last year, how depressed I was, how full of shame I was, how emotionally exhausted this whole journey has been for me… but I didn’t. She said that it’s necessary to do a thorough exam just to be 100% sure; that’s why I was there again today. But the likelihood of me having HPV was slim & she liked what she saw… down there.
I walked out of the doctor’s office with a hitch in my get-along, all smiles & giggles. I called Lover to tell him the great news. He sounded as relieved as I was. I also told him that I was weighed during my exam & I had gained 6 pounds in the last 2 months. Now normally, any woman would be horrified with this news. 6 pounds in 2 months? Gross, some might say. But I was dancing on the clouds. For a girl who has been 103 lbs (I am naturally skinny, with no help of diets, exercising or food regulating) most of her adult life, this was an amazing feat. I am now proudly 111 lbs. & I hope to gain more to be a bit more curvaceous as I’ve always wanted to be.
I called my mother, who was even more astounded than even I was. She kept asking me how I could not have HPV anymore. I tried to explain it to her, even though I’m sure she still doesn’t understand (I’m still trying to wrap my head around it, even.) I only hope that her faith & opinion of me has been restored, at least to some degree.
It was yesterday that I realized how blessed I was & how even the little things in life matter.