Friday, April 11th, 2008
foolishness of my younger self.
Today would have been the 5 year anniversary between me & an ex-lover. I don’t know why I still ponder over these “anniversaries” or why I still think about him. It truly is habitual thinking, even after all of these years. & it’s embarrassing, to say the least. It’s obvious that we have both moved on: I am married & I believe he is also en route to that destination. If I’m not correct, he may even have a baby on the way. Weird to think that it could have been me. I often wonder how differently my life would have turned out, had we had never broken up & kept our promises between each other. We were young & stupid; crazy in love over the idea of love itself. I was head over fucking heels for this boy; he was my sun up & sun down. Had we would have stayed together, we would have been the picture-perfect, high school sweetheart romance. We endured a lot of things together; the most brutal of them being growing up together. Ultimately, that was what separated us. I can’t say whether it was me that grew up faster, leaving him to catch up… or the other way around. To this day, I don’t really know what happened between us. The only conclusion I can come up with is that we just grew apart, which is something I still don’t quite understand. I don’t understand how people can grow apart. I mean, I’ve heard of stories where people were married for years & suddenly, they woke up as complete & total strangers. Coincidentally, right as I was experiencing my own confusing tale of this myth called Growing Apart, my parents were in the middle of doing the same, thus making me feel hopeless about love. All of this happened almost 2 years ago. There was nothing good about those times. I cannot speak anything good about them.
Being 15 & dangerously in love with someone not much older than yourself is… dangerous. Putting so much effort into a relationship that wasn’t destined to last, making believe that we are more than what we are (we were so young, but had the thought-processes & intentions of oblivious adults), stating promises & vows to each other, making sacrifices that were heartbreaking & life-changing; was it worth it? Saying that I regret it would be very harsh; those years with ex-lover taught me many things about love & life & relationships that I could never read in any book or hear from the mouths of my parents. But… saying that I am grateful for the pain that was brought upon me would be stupid. It’s obvious that my inarticulateness about this subject really speaks for itself: I am still clueless, still cautious, still healing after all of these years. That is really all I can say about it anymore. I truly try to keep my “thinking out loud” about all of this to myself. There have been many times were I have asked Lover to explain it all to me, because I still don’t understand. The breakup, the falling out of love, the “out of nowhere” separation. I know that it isn’t fair to Lover to bring up my past that has nothing to do with him or our love for one another in the present moment. Again, it’s a healing process for me. Not that I am still in love with my ex; I couldn’t even say that I was in love with him at all. It was more obsession & infatuation & make believe than it was anything else. We were kids! We didn’t know what love was or what sacrifice meant. We had no idea what it meant to be committed to each other. We thought we did… & our efforts in keeping it together at such a young age, only getting inspiration & influence from our own chaotic families, were noble.
It’s so silly how I think about this still. How I look at every 11th day of the month & I have at least 2 thoughts that day about how this would have been a certain number of months, years we would have been together. Why do I do that? My heart has let him go; I gave my heart to Lover, after all. It’s as though my brain is still stuck on stupid. Literally. My therapist & I had talked about this a few sessions ago. I had mentioned, rather out of the context, that I had heard it through the grapevine of my ex-lover’s engagement & his expecting a child. She must have sensed some kind of emotion trying to come out of me, for she asked me to further express myself. I told her it didn’t matter & that I was embarrassed enough to still be affected by the news; there was no point, I concluded. She wouldn’t let me go that easy & we proceeded to spend most of the session talking about this. There was really no direction in this conversation because I was still trying to figure out why I was still hung up on all of it… but she told me that I was trying too hard to forget him & that I needed to remember that the end of a relationship is much like a death & I haven’t allowed myself the privilege of mourning. This goes not only for my failed relationship, but my parent’s divorce. Beating myself up about this isn’t necessary, I suppose. I am only human, after all. That said, I have to say:
This is the anniversary of a death for me. The death of something that was seemingly endless & filled with truth & love 2 years ago. I will always remember those moments. I will always hold a high regard to the memories we obtained together. I truthfully miss the innocence we shared together, while growing up with each other, trying to understand life & commitment & sanity. It was so dysfunctional… but we carried each other in our own unique ways. For a while, the world stood still for us, while we carried on like a married couple, making plans for our indefinite future. It was so dysfunctional. I think God knew what he was doing; we would make ourselves miserable if we stayed together. God gave ex-lover the courage to end something that was no longer relevant in our lives. I’d like to think that ex-lover is still a bit confused like I am now; that he is trying to make sense of the love that was lost. Why it is that love — proclaimed as the conquerer of all things — could just stop so suddenly like that. More than likely, he has already figured it out & I am the one that is making it so difficult.
In the midst of all of this seriousness & patheticism (I made up that word to fit the moment) I decided to do something constructive [for heaven's sake!]. I painted my toenails hot orange to switch up the monotony of my poor, boring little toes a bit. It’s like they are screaming “yeah! how do you like them apples?! Or oranges?! Huh??” loudly & proudly. & iEscape has to be playing the most saddest songs today. Sigh.
on Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 1:58 pm:
It’s hard to let habits and thoughts like that go. I tend to dwell on things like that also, and I think it’s normal, and actually healthy that you brought it to the forefront instead of pushing your feelings and thoughts onto the back-burner. Addressing these feelings of confusion is a good thing; you’re just being real to yourself!
I still don’t completely get how people “grow apart” either! Unless one person changes so drastically that they aren’t being true to themselves anymore, or just turns into a complete jerk. I’ve always hated that sort of abandonment, like “I just don’t love you anymore.” But it happens, and like you said, God knew what he was doing. Today, you have many lovely anniversaries to look forward to with your Lover!
I’m going to paint my nails today, too, not to get my mind off things, but because it’s one of my favorite girls’ birthday today, and I’m gonna get all dolled up for another one of her legendary parties! I am so jazzed. :p
on Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 2:19 pm:
@ Natalie: you know, you’re right. I think that was the problem, actually. In my eyes, he had changed pretty drastically over the last year we were together. We both did. So that could have been what caused the breakup, ultimately. But it still presses the question, why do people grow apart?? It’s just an irritating question for me, in this sense.
& have fun at the party! ;]
on Friday, April 11th, 2008 at 4:55 pm:
I was also stunned by the suddenness of these situations. I always wonder, was there something that actually happened, in which we both missed because we were so caught up in each other… or something else?
It’s difficult for me say this because I understand it wholeheartedly Even to write this now, I am getting upset because I don’t understand.
That’s what makes life so difficult.
Not knowing what is going to happen next or an explanation of what just happened.
You’ll figure out a way to get rid of these anniversary memories, but like all things, it will just take time.
Remember, everything happens for a reason.
I try to remember this everyday.
Love you.