Monday, April 7th, 2008
I am a diarist. there; I said it.
I have tried to stay away from that word “diary” because I feel it is so ancient & past its time. Furthermore, no one ever uses that word. I think that is why so many people have strayed from diaryland.com because of the image it creates in your mind. That was certainly my reason for leaving. After so many years of devoting time into expressing myself, I felt like I wasn’t getting anywhere & that I wasn’t getting understood. I felt like I was going around in circles; that nothing was changing or evolving inside of me. (Or, that could have just been the consequences of the current relationship I was in, which was provoking me to keep going around in circles; maybe.)
Today, I have experienced a dramatic & deep shift in my thinking in regards to my “blog.” Sincere thanks to chasing twilight who, with genuine words said only to describe her current situation, reminded me of why I call myself a writer. She made me think about this word “blog” & what that means to me, in my life, in my writing, in comparison to the antique & underused word “diary,” the word I have been dying not to say. (I have to agree with her that the reason why the concept of a “blog” is much more appealing to ear is because it is… unisex. How many men would be caught dead saying, “Please read my diary about my life.” It just won’t happen & is borderline unheard of. Blog is much more… serious. More professional.) “Blog” has nothing to do with me. I have always been a diarist; always. I would even consider myself a journalist of sorts. Although… I cannot down that word “blog” completely (& I’m not), because it is used accurately to identify business-like writings & to build community-style relationships that happen to be very successful & very enlightening. I just don’t happen to fit the term “blogger.”
In the midst of reading other’s blogs, in the midst of receiving plenty of heartfelt comments & thousands of page views, as well as meeting incredible new people, I think I have gotten lost in what all of this really means to me, in my life, in my growing experience. I feel as though I have been trying to be something that I am not. Maybe that I am dumbing down my skills of self expression a little to fit the standard of what a writer, a “blogger” in this day & age really is. It’s so old-fashioned, really, for me to expect that people would write in any other way. The world is constantly changing; roles & rules are morphing into things that I am having trouble understanding & I am just twenty years old! I am in the middle of so many different kinds of movements… people are expressing themselves in other ways that seem so foreign to me. Thus, the reason I posted this entry. Is it wrong that I feel more compelled to stay behind while others have their fun changing? (That question goes with other things happening in my life, not just in writing.) I would feel much better being a diarist than a blogger. I would feel much better to be vintage in that way. Someone once compared me to Jane Austen, which was meant to be an insult, but I smiled & said, “wonderful!” because that is what I want to hear. I do find uplifting inspiration in old literature, like Jane Eyre, Wuthering Heights, The Great Gatsby & other deep, thought-provoking books. Of course, there are other amazing modern books out there that have given me the same reaction, but they are far & few.
As wonderful as it is to correspond with people who “blog” in a community-like manner, people who are candid & sometimes anonymous in their writings are perceived in my eyes as unique & delicate creatures. There is something intimate & courageous about them. Something unscripted & genuine about a stranger’s attempt to express himself in a deep & genuine way. If a reader feels guilty while paging through the truthfulness of your diary, I think you have have managed to be successful in your honesty. I have always hoped that I could be that kind of writer.
I suppose what I am trying to say — & all of this means more to me than anyone else reading these words right now — is that I just learned a valuable lesson. It is better to stick out like a black sheep comfortably, than to blend in with the crowd, packed & crammed because there are far too many of them. I think that is what I’m trying to say. My perception of what this “blog” is has changed to a more fitting understanding of who I personally am. Not what my readers want, not what my word count is, not how many views I’m getting per day or comments or subscriptions. In turn, this subtle change will provoke me to be a better writer. It’s much more honest this way.
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 3:56 pm:
I’m proud of you.. it takes a lot of courage to be authentic these days.
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 4:23 pm:
Now I don’t feel like such a fool for continuing to use my [diary] online.
It is precious to me… but that’s where I can fully scream and carry on like a small child when the time calls for it.
I am proud of you!
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 9:06 pm:
It’s definitely hard not to get caught up in pleasing a crowd. Sometimes I even feel badly if I haven’t posted for one whole day. Like, oh no! What are my readers going to think of me!? But then I have to take a step back and remember that I created my blog for me and for months the only readers I had were three of my friends.
Thanks for the add to the blogroll! My next blogroll post will definitely be including you.
Glad you figured out the flickr thing. Looks good. :)
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 11:07 pm:
I haven’t used the word diary since I was almost thirTEEN (I had a complex.. I kept saying I was almost grown up, almost a TEEN and TEENS were cool.. so don’t read my diary mom! It’s personal! *perfect stomp away*)
Since then its been journal.. InMyHeels, I feel, is def. a blog. It has personal things in it but for the most part more for the service of others. MFDB on the other hand… now thats personal. And reading Apricot Tea. sometimes makes me want to write again .. personal style but alas - I am stricken with fear . .particularly bc I know I have exes and such who have a nasty habit of finding me all the time..and sometimes I just want to hide (today I felt over exposed joining the ranks of twitter in addition to 20somethings, facebook, myspace, mybloglog, sparkpeople.. )
So I’ve stuck with regular journal writing…
you certainly are a diarist- this is like a coming out post :) good for you
And I guess that just makes me nosy. But I daresay, thats ok :)
on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 6:47 am:
I agree wholeheartedly.
I love Jane Austen too! I liked reading her work, and I like reading your blog.
I like to use the word “journal” when referring to my own writings. it’s also unisex, and somewhat old-fashioned. Not as old-fashioned as “diary,” though.
I really love what you said about how feeling guilty about the things written in your work might be evidence that you are successful in your writing. I feel guilty of some of the things I reveal, and it takes me a while to realize that my honesty and self-expression are good things.
It’s hard for me to open up, even in my own private blog! But I’m getting there. Thanks for this. :D
on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 10:10 am:
@ Jonathan: thanks, babe. you give me courage. :]
@ Anna: hopefully I will gain enough courage to “scream” here, regardless of people listening & watching. Thanks!
@ Gooseberried: I feel the same way sometimes; I feel like it’s important to write everyday so people reading will see my dedication. Yeah; “people” shouldn’t have anything to do my writing. & thanks again for the flickr help. :] I definitely appreciate it. It was actually a lot easier than I thought!
@ jemi: you know, I never thought of it in that way; coming out, I mean. You’re absolutely right, & since you brought that to my attention, I feel even more empowered! Thank you! :]
@ Natalie: You’re welcome! I hope that I inspired you that much more to be open with your thoughts in your writings. I know we’ve talk about this before …
on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 10:24 am:
I can truly relate to your words. As a male “blogger” I don’t feel ashamed to associate many of my posts as a diary. In fact, I categorize my blog post into 4 parts ‘Robot Diaries’ - for the personal diary posts, ‘Alien Eyes’ - for the perspective posts, ‘Human Hands’ - for my pseudo poetry posts & ‘Sketch Flesh’ - for the random sketchies I sometimes doodle. I think it’s extremely important to embrace who we are and our role - whether that role is popular or that of an outcast. And if you truly feel like a ‘diarist’, then embrace that sans-excuses - and it seems like that is what you have done. So great job, and keep up the ‘diary’ dear ‘diarist’
on Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 at 10:36 am:
That’s exactly why I stayed away from Diaryland myself. Except years ago I am guilty of having a Diary-x blog, before The Great Server Crash they had.
on Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 at 11:34 am:
Thanks for stopping by!
Can’t wait to read more of a fellow Pasadena girl :)
on Wednesday, April 9th, 2008 at 4:37 pm:
i like the word journal. and i know what you mean about the fitting in thing. my skin starts to feel crawly after a while. oh and im multi commenting here. i just read your latest post. *im seeming to do a read backwards trend today* and first. yay for target. we do not have any here in sad sad canada. things are just not ‘cheap’ here. ever. even our dollar stores arent actually a dollar. its a buck and change. lol. and OMG the pony tail thing. man. i know what you mean about the age thing. i mean, for me personally. i’ve always been old. always. only now, being with my mister. have i gotten some youth back to my life. and able to not be so serious with things all the time.
anyways im rambling. so bye! great thoughts and writing ev’yan!
on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 11:46 am:
I loved this blog.
I mostly love your excellent writing & your honesty! Ah, it’s alawys refreshing to click on your page! ;)
on Thursday, April 10th, 2008 at 12:04 pm:
@ Aaron: I’m glad that you could relate. I was thinking that maybe this was only MY thought process & no one else’s. As though I was being pretentious. I think it is so important for people to be honest with themselves & stay true to what they believe in, regardless of what is going on in the world, trends, fads & popularity… I really do.
@ claire: that is one thing I remember most about diaryland, was that they were ALWAYS having problems with their servers. I remember once that diaryland wasn’t working for a full month because of some bug… & I was petrified that I was going to lose all of my entries because only gold members were safe. That was so nerve-wracking. ;/
@ katelin: me too! who knows, we may run into each other. ;]
@ cri: thank you, love! I appreciate the … love. :] <3
@ jen: thank you jen! love your blog, too. You inspire me to shop, haha!