Friday, April 4th, 2008
la dispute.
This is not going to be a happy-go-lucky, “apricot tea in love” kind of post. I am just as disappointed as you are; I wish life could be like a bowl of cherries, but alas… it isn’t.
I don’t enjoy fighting with Jonathan; it’s not my cup of tea, but today I really don’t care. This coldness is mainly coming from the harsh disappointment of this: for the sake of assuming & jumping to conclusions I am going to announce to myself & whomever is listening that Lover did not get that job. If he would have gotten the job, he would have heard something by this week at least. But… he didn’t & I am the only one who is upset about this. Lover seems to be relieved, which is disheartening & maddening to me. I almost feel silly — no, I do feel silly — for getting so wrapped up in the thoughts of him actually getting the tremendous opportunity. (My gleeful presumptuousness can be found here.) To say that I am disappointed would be only half of what I am feeling. I am kind of mad & feeling a bit let down. Kind of like, “now what?” That sort of thing. Hence, the reason I have picked this unnecessary fight with him. I am not proud of that, by the way. I could say a lot of things right now, but I’m going to hold myself back because they’re truly not fair, in spite of them being right. I am frustrated at this letdown & the fact that Lover seems to not understand just why I am upset. This why I am the practical one in the relationship (in instances like these) & he is whimsical. Sometimes it can be the opposite, especially when it comes to vivid dreams & “what if?” questions. But when it comes to obvious realities, I am the practical one.
The fight was started over something silly; then again I don’t even think Lover realized that we were fighting. We were typing to each other via instant messenger. But I certainly was fighting with him, hitting the keys at a rapid & firm rate, frowning & sighing & getting flustered with every sentence I had to form. I just so happened to mention to him, just for the sake of mentioning, that I was upset about him not getting the job. I didn’t want this to be hanging over our heads without being identified. I figured I should warn him, after all. He suggested that we talk about this; & I said, “no.” Why would I choose to talk about my feelings to him through the internet? While he is at work? When I have already been irritated enough? Maybe it wasn’t a fight, for I wasn’t saying anything I didn’t mean. He asked & I told him my feelings about a friend coming over tonight. I don’t want anyone to come over; that would more confuse this whole day & the feelings I have when it comes to Lover at the moment. I feel as though we should talk about this; inviting a friend over would be stalling this process, making light of the situation. Maybe it’s because I am mad at how nonchalant he is about the fact that he more than likely didn’t get the job. That he would so willingly invite someone over for pizza & a good conversation when a wonderful opportunity for us, for our lives has just slipped through his fingers. Maybe I am upset because he didn’t seem to care about the job really; that I was one who wanted this for us more than he did. Maybe I am upset because he isn’t upset like I am! No sweat off of his back; he’ll solve it with pizza & a good friend. I am not expecting him to read my mind… I am expecting him to handle this in the way it should be handled. & he’s not. So I’m frustrated & I don’t want to talk to him about it. There is no use anyway.
I don’t even know what I am saying right now. I am a muddled mess of emotions. More than likely, I will spend the rest of the day in isolation, trying to figure out these damned thoughts swarming my head, regarding this lost job, Lover’s unwillingness to want it & the fight that I started in my effort to express my feelings. Then I will go to my psychiatrist appointment today to get yet another prescription filled. I hate going to these wretched appointments. It’s a waste of money & my psychiatrist reminds me of a cartoon character. Usually, this would amuse me, but I am no mood to be amused. As for the rest of the evening… it is up in the air.
At the moment, I am holding back from fleeing these feelings. I do this with the best intentions, but end up going to Target… which winds up in me buying things that we really don’t need. My god, have I turned into one of those people? Those impulsive emotional shoppers? No, I should stay home & try to do something with this mess I’ve put myself in. This proves that high expectations & hopes don’t get you anywhere but high… & then comes that horrible fall back to the ground, back to reality. Fuck. I am so annoyed I could spit. I want to scream profanities. I want to punch a wall or something. I want to kick something… hard. Most importantly, I want to be left alone for a little while.
on Saturday, April 5th, 2008 at 12:48 am:
Never feel ashamed to do some retail therapy! Especially when it involves Target.
:DDD
Haha. Yeah, I’m sorry you’re feeling down about this. Look at it as an opportunity to up your monetary compensation and find some fabulous extra work that you’ll love!
…..
……….
Most people do hate the optimist in me. :/
on Saturday, April 5th, 2008 at 12:49 am:
Oh, also, i’ve noticed that you seem to take interest in french music.
Do you speak french?
I do! :D
on Saturday, April 5th, 2008 at 1:10 am:
@ Natalie: you know… you are right. Actually, I think I may go & do some now, dammit! :]
My French inspired playlist is from the soundtrack to the movie, Amelie, which I’m sure you’ve seen (if you haven’t you MUST). Regardless, you have to get this soundtrack; it is enticing & very amazing.
& no, I am not French. But oh how I wish I was. :]
on Saturday, April 5th, 2008 at 3:10 am:
aww.. I’m bummed too! lol but you know I live vicariously through your blog.
I personally would get upset if my hubby were to invite someone over during one of those “we need to talk tonight” days..
never understood it but looking now
maybe your hubby doesn’t want to dwell/think about it.. maybe he has his reasons for not being aggy.. maybe he is and doesn’t want to work himself up..
who knows
still - the whole day b4 finding out always bites
on Sunday, April 6th, 2008 at 2:40 am:
@ jemi: aww, I don’t mind that you live vicariously through my blog. I actually appreciate it. I always thought that I was a boring broad. So thank you! =]
on Sunday, April 6th, 2008 at 8:18 pm:
your relationship dynamic sounds like me and the person i’m completely in love with.
when im manic, shes understanding and patient. and when shes manic im understanding and patient.
thats when you know two people really love each other.
on Sunday, April 6th, 2008 at 9:28 pm:
@ Karmen: yeah, it’s a love/hate, bittersweet kind of thing. It can be good & sometimes bad. Sigh.
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 2:48 am:
apricot,
i hope your lover publishes his ramblings on vvhatout you soon. if this is all true vvhat you vvrite, it´s a slap in his face, and you even disrespect yourself. you are not his vvife, you you sound like an unsatisfied gossipper. you seem to lack a deeper understanding of lovecommunication. plus i see very fevv skills needed to solve simple things like this in a loving vvay. apricot, please, hold back you negative vvaves - transform them, go kick-boxing!
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 3:03 am:
@ veryheaven: I am sorry you feel this way. Personally, I feel as though I didn’t do anything abnormal in my attempts to express myself (venting is also another word for this). Furthermore, I AM, in fact, his wife; we are married. So the decisions he makes regarding his job & his whereabouts are my business & my worries.
There is much more to this story than I have revealed here, for personal reasons. & I suggest that until you know our history, or until you do some much needed catching up, you should keep your misconceptions to yourself, for you have no right to cast judgment on me or this situation.
on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 1:28 pm:
dear apricot
I only vvish that you and your lover safe your svveet love. oh yes, i surely need to catch up, that´s vvhy i´ve subscribed to your feed.
far avvay from judgement - just feelings and encouragement for you.
veryheavenly greetings,
i like you :-)