Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008
cabin fever.
By 3 o’clock today I was feeling alone & isolated. I started having horrible thoughts about how I really should be doing something with all this time on my hands, instead of laying around & being boring. The only thing I really have to cling onto is this journal; it helps remind me that I am still alive while Lover isn’t here. When he arrives, I am full of words; out spoken words. I don’t think as much, I just say & kiss & laugh with him. Obviously, I am in need of some actual interaction. It’s no longer a vacation; it’s a smack in the face almost. Shy of me getting a job, I can’t bear the thought of getting rid of my freedom. This is why it doesn’t make any sense, because it is so twisted. I am tired of being here at home, alone & clueless; yet, I do not desire to work at all… but I need something to do. Truthfully, I’m dreading tomorrow, for I know exactly how it will go. That is, if I decide not to do something about it. I haven’t taken the time to actually sit down & think about my purpose for being here, in this sort of predicament. There must be a reason other than sitting here in this quiet apartment. I refuse to believe it’s to walk Sofie more often, or take better care of house. Noble tasks, of course, but they offer little gratitude to me these days. Quite honestly, I think I am suffering from cabin fever.
Lover is preparing for bed, but naturally, I’m not tired. I feel restless all the time. Given the chance to have some solace, I was thinking of writing a list of things I could do with all of this free time on my hands, rather than just moping around. Yes, Lover is heading upstairs to go to sleep. It’s fairly early; only 9:40pm. I couldn’t imagine trying to sleep right now. I’m too agitated. I almost feel — dare I say? — anxious. Stir crazy. Sigh; what have I gotten myself into? I’m beginning to think that I was better off at a dead end job, making money than being here feeling sorry for myself.
The weather is supposed to be rainy tomorrow (I’m very pleased at this) so obviously I’ll be indoors. What could I do with all of this time? I suppose I better cut the bullshit & start looking for jobs. I mean, what could it hurt. & anyway, it would give me something to do. I know that I am much better than just sitting on my ass, waiting for something exciting to happen to me. I did this after a painful breakup & I don’t want to subject myself to that again. It’s torturous & awfully lonely.
Here is my list, so help me:
- look for jobs; apply to at least 3.
- go through the yellow pages; look for jobs.
- start that wretched article for the magazine.
- make a note to my aunt that the interview won’t be finished until next week, unfortunately.
- balance the checkbook.
- research car insurance.
- look for jobs.
- browse college catalog; find potential classes to take.
- meditate on what the hell I am doing here.
That is all I can think of at the moment, & many of those things can be done in less than an hour. I am very open to suggestions. I feel like I am at my wit’s end. Even right now I’m not making any sense! I hope this isn’t the first sign of craziness. Sigh.
on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 6:15 pm:
One of the things I’ve been doing whilst at work with nothing to do for 8 (effing!!!) (hem, sorry) hours, is look on craigslist under the “jobs” list and in the specific category of writing / editing. I’m thinking that (like you) I can’t stand work and I can’t stand not working; so maybe I’d thrive if I had a writing/editing job that I could do on my laptop from anywhere (travel anyone!!!!!) . This may not be your cup of tea, but if it appeals to you (there are also some creative writing ads I’ve seen which may be only temporary but would bring in a few dollars and would be good experience. Also, as with me, I do not necessarily qualify for some that look appealing, this might help if you’re wondering what class you should take. In other words, if you see something you really like but say to yourself “there’s no way they’d hire me” then what class could you take to get that job. Trust me, I’m speaking to myself as much as you. Just thought I’d toss these ideas I’ve had your way as an option. (side note: I have a friend (Jan) who does copy editing from her computer and she’s mobile and moves where ever she wants. She works in coffee shops and travels. I would LOVE that lifestyle. So I’m looking into classes)
Hope that helps :]
on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 6:19 pm:
What’s funny is I think my comment needs editing!
on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm:
Take some really interesting classes that you KNOW you’ll do well in! And yeah, maybe you’ll end up finding a job that you’ll feel so passionate about, it won’t even feel like work. That’s the highest hope I have for you, since thats what most people want, but few seem to get. :c
You could also learn to make something and then sell it on ebay?
I think i’m gonna go on craigslist, too. I’ve got a nerdy nerd convention and a laptop to save up for.
-__-
on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 10:01 pm:
Craigslist, man. It’s where I found most of my jobs. If I were in your situation, I would for sure go crazy. I have to work.
on Wednesday, April 2nd, 2008 at 10:14 pm:
@ Sharon: thanks for the advice, Sharon. I appreciate it. :]
@ Natalie: I am definitely looking into some classes that I could take… I just don’t know what, exactly.
@ Gooseberried: Craigslist is my only preference for right now. I haven’t found anything, though, but that could be because I am persnickety or it could be because they’re not offering what I would like to do. Sigh. It’s hard being an adult.
on Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 at 11:27 am:
well, if you don’t want to get a job, then learn something new? a language, or dress making or something fun like that.
if you want to get out of the house more, you could volunteer somewhere i.e. if you like dogs, go down to your nearest shelter and volunteer to walk them!
on Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 at 6:51 pm:
hi apricot,
enjoy the time you have - don´t call it a vvaste. maybe your soul needs all this time and much more to get started, after all…you knovv vhat I mean? you´ll recieve a sign, vvhen time is right to act - so best thing for novv is not to act (buddhidsm vvisdom i truely live and share).
if you are financially independent and or are supported by your lover - enjoy the freedom.
sing it out loud to the vvorld: go outside and smile on (to?) people you meet, ask them if you can give a helping hand (carrying sth e.g.) or take pictures of your lover and install them in a private, very romantic designed online gallery, vvhere you and him can meet vvhils he abroad - check out some instant messanging tools to chat vvith him, also.
veryheavenly greetings from my heart!
on Thursday, April 3rd, 2008 at 7:57 pm:
@ Pinkbaby: those are all terrific ideas! Thank you. :] I was actually considering revamping my closet, since I have so many darn clothes. I was thinking of cutting them or sewing them to make different pieces… ;]
@ veryheaven: hello to you! thank you for stopping by. :] you are absolutely right; you gave me uber inspiration to enjoy the time I have no, rather than beating myself up for the time that is being wasted. I hope that I can keep up this optimism I have now; it seems to come & go in spurts.