When I finally made the decision to move in with Jonathan, I was surprised at how easy it was to just… leave. The love between Jonathan & I was impeccable; something that was undeniable & inspiring. It seemed like the most rational & logical thing to do at the time. So, with little reluctance & a lot of anxiety, I left my childhood home (I had stayed in the same town, in the same house, in the same bedroom for all of my life upon moving). I remember driving to Jonathan from my mother’s house, tears streaming down my face. Not in sadness, but in happiness & accomplishment & fear. I was proud of myself for finally deciding to do something for myself & I made a vow that from that point on, my life would finally begin.
& it has. It has been almost a year that I have been living with Jonathan & the transformation within me is indescribable. Although… it took me many, many, many months to get to where I am now. There were many downfalls, a few gut-wrenching surprises, a lot of nerves & a few dozen, very scary panic attacks, all of which I survived but at the time it seemed like I was dying. But of course… what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
When I first started working as a front desk coordinator at a salon (one of my first real jobs, next to doing hair for a few months) I felt like I was lost but in a good way. As though I could find my way around this foreign land & maybe conquer some of it, as well. It was tremendously overwhelming to be so far away from home & having to adapt to new surroundings & situations all on my own, without the physical guidance of my mother, my best friend. Sometimes I felt liberated about this, but mostly I crumbled. One day, I was having this horrible homesickness; the kind that literally numbs you & makes you question reality. My manager pulled me aside out of the blue & told me quite bluntly that I am too much of a nice girl & that I need to grow tough skin. Now… this wasn’t the first time I have heard this but for some reason, it bothered me. I started wondering how she could see through me in that way because I hadn’t spoken to my manager about my homesickness or anything like that. We weren’t even really friends. But somehow, she was able to detect in me something that I thought I was able to hide really well. She said “you must stop wearing your heart on your sleeve. You must stop being so kind to people; people will see your kindness & mistake it for weakness & naivety.” I was furious at this; after all, how dare she?! But, I took her words very personally & made it my mission to be tougher, harder, colder & not so friendly in order to not be walked on & to be taken seriously. Because, for someone of my age, no one really takes you seriously & it’s nothing against you… it’s just expected that 20 year olds are quite, well, oblivious. I was so gung-ho about this new mission that I even started walking like a snooty bitch, just to give people the idea of “don’t fuck with me.” I laugh at this now — this was only a mere 10 months ago — because I was really quite ridiculous. I was only fooling myself.
After a few weeks of this false front, I began to grow tired of being a bitch. It’s hard work for someone who doesn’t know how to do it! I started to do the strangest things out of the blue, as if to prove to myself that I am still in some sort of control & I can be nice & tough whenever. As if it were this sort of switch I could turn on & off. I, this painfully shy & nice girl, was now starting to become bold in her efforts to prove something to herself. An example of this would be that once, I was standing in line at the grocery store & this girl in front of me had a rather ugly purse… I mean, it was hideous. So I blurted out “I love your purse.” I startled myself at my dishonest remark, but I was simply just trying to be nice to prove that I could, indeed, be nice. She smiled, said thank you & went on her way. I went on my way, too & while I did, I strutted my usual snooty bitch walk, proving that there is a time & place for this new craft I was attempting. (Oh, brother.)
But this ludicrous fad ended unexpectedly & thank goodness it did. This is what happened: I was moping to my Lover one day about how I wished that I could buy something fancy since, at the time, I hadn’t been shopping for many months. Lover, being the dear he is, then reached into his wallet & handed me a twenty dollar bill & said “Buy yourself something nice, but don’t spend it in one place.” I never carry money on me & I never think to take out money… so something about it being HIS money & so readily available in my wallet made this somewhat of a thrill for me. I kept that twenty dollar bill in my wallet for about a week. I felt like a child; what would I buy with my twenty dollars? I decided that I must save it for something really, really good. One afternoon, after having lunch with Lover at his work, I was driving home. I exited the freeway & came to a stoplight at an intersection. To the left of me, there was an old homeless man, standing outside in the cold, holding a sign proclaiming his misfortune. He looked so sad, so helpless & so desperate. Without even thinking — & I really didn’t think, I didn’t have time because the light was going to change any second — I reached inside of my purse, grabbed my wallet & took out my treasured twenty dollar bill. I made sure to crumple it a bit so that it would seem as though I was giving him a dollar… I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it. I rolled down my car window & handed the crinkled bill to him. He took it, said “God bless you” a few times… examined the bill as if to determine if it were real… began to put it in his pocket & then he checked it out again. His eyes became quite wide (all of this happened within seconds, mind you) almost in disbelief & he seemed to shake his head as if to say “you just gave me twenty dollars! are you crazy?!” But I just looked at him, nodded & — perfect timing — the light turned green & I sped off to my home.
There was so much joy in my heart that day; I was beaming all afternoon. What a terrific, spontaneous, random act of kindness! When Jonathan asked me what I bought with my twenty dollars it was all I could do to keep from saying “I bought myself back.” But I just smiled & said that I gave it to a homeless man.
Since then, I do the best I can to give to the poor on the streets (there are hundreds of them on the streets of LA daily) if I happen to have some cash on me, which is rare. I also remind myself of that moment whenever I start to compromise myself & what I truly stand for. There is nothing wrong with wearing my heart on my sleeve; there is nothing wrong with being kind & loyal & a bit naive for the benefit of others. There is nothing wrong with being a small town girl.