Wednesday, March 19th, 2008
nicotine & classic movies.
I am still reeling over the previous entry; not as much, especially after showing Lover my purchases (he particularly likes the skinny jeans), but still… just enough to make me feel a bit guilty.
Another lifeless, meaningless day as an unemployed housewife. I am starting to see a pattern. I never wanted to make the subject of my writings about my housewifey-ness necessarily; it just so happens that when all else fails — job searching, television surfing, walking Sofie, showering, eating & drinking coffee, bugging Lover at work, etc. — I have no choice than to sit here & describe (also known as: complain about)� my day, which involves me sitting here… describing. Who am I kidding? I bored out of my mind!
Job searching is the most boring thing you can ever do with idle time. Even more so, I bought new clothes yesterday & won’t really have an excuse to wear them until… well, something exciting comes up. I could always just get up & go somewhere just for the hell of it, but for what? To waste gas? To waste time? I am an advocate for never wasting makeup, perfume or good hair on a lazy day. A bit neurotic, yes, but it’s quite truthful. After all, I would prefer to feel my best & look my best when it’s absolutely necessary. There is nothing worse that being all dressed up with no where to go. Fortunately, men don’t have this problem (or maybe they do, I’m not precisely sure). Better to just sit here in pajamas & ponder what to do next.
This emotional outburst of discontentment is coming from many areas: caffeine jitters, boredom (which was already mentioned), loneliness, PMS (sigh), & a nicotine craving. Yes. I, little Miss Purity Pants, am craving a cigarette. Actually, I have been wanting a cigarette for weeks now. My body longs to take short drags from a cancer-stick. How awful. & all of this is really very silly because I have never been a smoker. Not really. I mean, if you call “bumming” drags off of other people & not inhaling, just puffing, smoking. I don’t know where the cravings are coming from, but I long to have one.
Is it just me, of does everyone smoke these days? Really, I can’t watch television — cartoons even! — without witnessing someone nursing a cigarette in their mouth. It’s so aggravating & it doesn’t help my nonsensical cravings. What’s even more frustrating is that I complain about this so much & yet it could all be solved by just buying a damn pack. It seems so easy, but it’s truly not. My ego & pride always get in the way of what I truly want. Sometimes this is a good thing; but for my nicotine craving it’s very hindering.
The cravings came to an all time high a few nights ago, while I was watching old movies. First, it was Roman Holiday. I watched Audry Hepburn take short, swift drags of a cigarette in one scene, as she said, “This is my very first” or something like that. Why is it that movie stars in that era (the 30s, 40s, 50s & 60s) could make smoking such a romantic, sensual & classy thing to do? Ever since I was young enough to understand, I always wanted to be a black & white movie kind of smoker. In between exhales I would speak in that kind of accent that everyone during that time seemed to have, whether they were from New York City or London. I would exclaim, “Why yes, dah-ling… of course.” In my mind, this was the most feminine act a woman could do to proclaim her sexuality. Smoke a wretched, nasty cigarette gracefully, while still being quite womanly & classy. Not very many can do that nowadays. Things have changed, of course. No one ever exclaims, “oh, but of course, dah-ling.” No one wears timeless dresses to the supermarket. No one invites anyone over for tea or coffee. No one that I know, I mean.
In the other movie, The Blue Gardenia, everyone smoked in that movie. Perfect little women, with hour-glass figures & accurately pinned hair smoked as though they were making love to the cigarette. I am not over exaggerating. Watch an old movie & surely, you will see what I mean. Even the men made cigarettes look dangerously handsome & alluring. So much that you don’t even think about lung cancer, or breathing problems. All you seem to focus on is the steady, rhythmic inhale & exhale of the toxic, yet hypnotic smoke, almost wishing you could be so lucky as to be inside of them. I suppose I should be speaking in first person, referring to myself instead of “you,” because I have never met anyone who idolizes 1950s cigarette smoking. Hence, the reason I am an unconventional girl.
A bit shamefully, I must admit that when my husband smoked religiously (a pack & a 1/2 a day when we first met) I was dangerously attracted to him. There is something intoxicating & rebellious about a handsome young man playing with the cigarette between his lips. Something very seductive. I can’t put my finger on it — maybe it’s because I admire so much men like Cary Grant, Gregory Peck & others when they are aimlessly smoking — but it makes me weak in the knees. Lover has been sober from cigarettes, alcohol & anything else toxic to his body for nearly a year now; although, he occasionally has a cigarette a few times a week. When I know this, I reprimand him, making a big deal that he is going to die from cancer & become an isotope (something I saw in one of those TRUTH commercial years ago, that I never quite understood, but isotope sounds like a very serious word). Truthfully, I become aroused at the thought, the smell, the idea of Lover with the smell of cigarettes on his breath. It’s a love/hate kind of thing; a bittersweet fantasy.
I must finish this entry now, for Lover just surprised me by walking through the door to have lunch with me. I greeted him with a big hug & a kiss & was astounded at what I smelled on his breath: cigarette smoke.
on Thursday, March 20th, 2008 at 10:10 pm:
Ev’Yan,
Small world. I have a connection with a photographer in the UK who just sent this Free Hugs link to me: http://www.flickr.com/photos/markgibson/2252779464/in/set-72157594298919847/
Which led me to freehugscampaign.org which led me to your comment and then to apricot tea! You’re in LA - like me. When & where R U starting your campaign?
myspace.com/roxannephotography
on Friday, March 21st, 2008 at 8:14 pm:
I read your blog every day by the way. It’s what I do when I’m sitting here at work bored out of my mind. NOT that I’d have to be bored to read your blog, I’m amazed at how well you write and express yourself at your (hem) youthful age. I was nowhere near as good then. I went back to school late and obsessively read and wrote to catch up and finally majored in English Literature. But I digress. What I wanted to say is sitting at a job you hate every day sucks and I often think my number one wish in life would be not to have to work. Or to at least love what I do. I have to say that I’m jealous that you have time in the day to enjoy the sunshine, read, poke around online and dream about the possibilities of maybe classes, or any job you can imagine. Don’t get me wrong, being out of work can super suck. You feel isolated and out of touch with the world and have little money and it’s so easy to just beat yourself up and feel depressed. But I would give my right arm right now to go home and just be free. I’d give both to walk out of here and go pursue a graphics career, but I’m a scardy cat from struggling so long and for once being financially secure. I’m rambling now, but I hope you have that cigarette, watch a good movie and also have time to explore and dream and eventually I hope you find a passion for a job you love.
on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2008 at 11:42 pm:
It just happened, that I was thinking about old movies and cigarettes all the way while driving to work. And the first thing I do after glancing through my mail box, is that, I search on Google, to see if there is one place where this connection is beatifully contained. And I read your blog.
wow! Your article flowed as smooth as the first drag of the day. I am excited, yet calm about this whole new experience which I never paid so much attention to. After a severe threatening from my Love, early in the morning to mend my ways…which is indulgence in toxic substances, although to sober limits, I feel relaxed and free once again. Thanks to the romance that you’ve lit up in my life for this moment.