Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
the year of artistic creativity.
This is something I wrote not too long ago & it’s very, very dear to me. I’d like to incorporate it into this blog. For memories, I suppose. I will do this often because it is such an out of body experience to read things you have written about. It’s a powerful & enlightening experience. It teaches you something all over again. I love that feeling. It’s a perfect, tangible example that you are, indeed, alive. That you are breathing, that you are dreaming. I am one person that needs to be reminded of this every second of everyday, for I get wrapped up in life like a bad soap opera. This is one reason why I am highly considering getting the word “breathe” tattoo on my inner wrist in Sanskrit. Because truthfully, I forget to breathe.
January 5, 2008
It rained all night last night. As terrible as that may sound, I enjoyed it very much. The sound of the rain on the roof reminds me to stay alive. When I woke up this morning, I felt drowsy & unwilling to do anything. I was running late, had only 5 minutes to get ready & came to work with no makeup on, undone hair that I shoved into a hat & had a breakfast of stale donuts & a over-ripened banana. Not that this has anything to do with what I’m wanting to say, but I didn’t really have what you would call a “good morning.”
At the salon, behind the desk, in the midst of my sleepiness, I had a very interesting & enlightening conversation with a Polish girl. Her name is Asha. She is simply gorgeous & if I could be someone today, I’d like to be her. She stands at the perfect height of 5′8” & has long blonde hair, which she wishes to cut into a short “Victoria Beckham” bob. (In this day & age, who doesn’t with this?) The most graceful thing about her is her voice. She has an impeccable voice; this could be because she speaks with an accent & I fancy anyone who is not from America. But, the ancient instantly makes her exotic & rare & if I could be anything, I wish to be those things, next to graceful & captivating. We spoke of a lot of things; things 2 strangers would not likely speak about the first time they are “small talking.” She told me that I should be a model, & told me, convincing me completely, that I simply MUST try it, if only just to try & see what comes out of it. She used to be a model — for some reason, this surprised me, & I instantly thought, Why wouldn’t she be a model?! — & she was telling me the importance of just doing something for fun, with the hopes of it turning out into something greater. I said “Well, I would… but I terribly camera shy, if you can believe it.” & she said, “Oh no… but you should. You really should just try. I mean, if only just to say that you did. To make a little extra money on the side, you know.” We talked about modeling & fashion for 10 minutes maybe… & then we got on other subjects, like lovers & where she was from. I was tempted to try to dig a bit deeper because she seems like such an interesting person. I was hoping she could give me a glimpse at how a girl like her lives her life. I suppose I’ve always fantasized that people from other countries are these sophisticated, semi-humble, charming creatures. They drink their wine & have their chocolates or pastries or desserts & they mingle with fashionable & professionally elegant people. They are deep, but down to earth. They are beautiful but in an effortless way. & they are captivating in their own personality without even trying to win you over. I wish, I wish I could possess this kind of power.
(sigh) Unfortunately, I haven’t been quite blessed in this area. I try to incorporate these traits into my everyday lifestyle, but I either fail because the people around me don’t provoke me enough to do so, or I forget to try because I get distracted with the Californian ways or living. For instance, starting a sentence with “like” or “um” or using slang words like “duh” “totally!” or “shut up?!” Now, if a Polish, Parisian, Italian, English, Scottish — what have you — were to say these things, it would sound cute! Endearing! Almost like, “Awww, she’s trying to use a slang.” But for Americans, Californians especially, these terms of typical. When we say them it’s like “Yawn. I was expecting her to reply like that.” How wonderful it would be to be unconventional. I wish so much that I could inspire someone in this way, the way that I am writing about someone else…
Either way, Asha’s words have stuck with me. Not just her words, but her presence. Her carefree ways. Her easy going attitude. This is not to say that she is this person all the time, 100%, but just the fact that she excudes this aura, this energy at first glance is amazing to me. So many people you meet have this overly obvious heaviness to them & I am not speaking about pounds. I mean in the sense that people carry so much on their shoulders day to day & it shows… it’s written on their faces. Sometimes in expressions, other times with actual physical signs, like wrinkles. Being around people for so long, I am able to notice almost instantly someone’s mood without even having them speak. It’s the way they walk, the way they glance around the room. As though they’re so exhausted from carrying this invisible backpack on their shoulders, but they must continue pressing on. I am guilty of this, too, though I try not to show it. Everyone is guilty of this. But Asha, when you meet her, you can’t imagine that she would ever subject herself to that kind of treatment. That, yes, she has had bad days & maybe she has cried a million tears over a lost love — she mentioned this, too, while we were small talking — but she refuses to carry that on her shoulders. There is a time & place for it. In just 15 minutes of a conversation with her, a very light one at that, I felt all of these things pass through me like a gust of wind. I’m still recovering from the presence of her spirit.
I hope that my words are coming out right. I want to say that this is not me professing a love affair for a Polish girl. At least, not in that way. I do believe, though, that it is possible to fall in love with someone’s spirit. Better yet, to fall under the spell of someone’s spirit, to the point where you must have it. Even if you don’t know how, you’ll try to get it because you have been moved far beyond words by this person & you are envious. I have always been that girl, reaching & hoping, wishing & praying that I could be what I like to call That Girl. More than ever in my life, I wish for it now… maybe it’s because I am growing older. Maybe it’s because I am realizing that there is more to life than quantity. Quality. It’s all about quality. For the first time in my life, I’m understanding the real difference between the 2.
I have a lot of words trapped in me today, & I’m desperate to get them out. I had another very interesting experience that happened to be several days ago. Something that has done almost what Asha did to me earlier, but left a bigger impression on me. It was nearing the new year… & my co-worker Alma, a very intruiging & inarticulate but in a speechless way, was handing out Christmas presents to everyone in the salon. She presented me with a candle & told me to light in on the 31st — which I totally forgot about! — & then… a few minutes later, she came up to me, with Tarot cards in her hand & sayd very quickly, “Pick one. Don’t think about, Babe, just pick one.” So I did… I didn’t think, which is VERY rare for a girl like me, & I gave her the card. She looked at me wide-eyed, with a grin on her face & said, “Ooo, Babe. You got the best card from the whole deck!” I asked her what it meant & she said, “This card means that whatever you’re doing for the year 2008, you must make it artistic, you must put all of your creativity in it. The job you’re doing now, Babe, it’s not the job you should be doing. Find what it is you’re destined to do, & put all of your artistic creativity into it. Don’t stop. This is what you must do.” I was giggling the whole time she was saying this me because I’ve never been a believer in Tarot or anything like that. But later on that night, I started to ponder over everything that happened & decided that even though Tarot is far beyond my reach, I would take it as a sign. I would do everything in my power to find what I should be doing with my life — which is obviously something very creative & artistic — & I need to do it until I die. I’m assuming that this may have something to do with words… but I won’t let it stop there. Maybe I should paint. Or maybe I should get back into photography. The options are endless & I’m excited — & a bit nervous — to start.
So I suppose that my missions this year, among many, many others, would be the find my artistic creativity & to finally understand & capture the essence of That Girl.
